| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 3:46:37 AM | I dated a 53yo gentleman who had a 3yo son. He had 2 grown up children from his first marriage. He was separated and had the son with him only every second week. I didn't like it. I raised mine and he's all grown up and I am all free. Having children at 50? Dealing with a teenager when you are 60+? Crazy. I could understand someone who never had kids and decides to do so at the age of 45+. However, I can't understand how one could want to go through raising a kid all over again, very well knowing what it is involved. I'm not after a full on relationship, however, a gentleman with toddlers or even teenagers would not be my preference. It might be selfish of me, but I am sure I compensate by having been a great mum already.
I think that when they say that today's 50s are yesterday's 40s, they don't mean parenthood.. or do they?? I hope not!
B | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:48:21 AM | I guess it would depend, at least somewhat, on whether or not you thought that dating an older man with a young child or children would necessitate YOU raising them, or helping him raise them. In my case, I'm not looking for a husband, so I really don't care if he has a young child or children, because I surely wouldn't be expected to raise them anyway. It could be a bit of a buzz kill if said child had to be involved in a lot of our time together though...hell, I've got grandkids that can be too much for me! I love them, but I think I love them much more because they live thousands of miles away from me   | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:48:53 AM | I agree with many of the ladies on this one - Because I tend to date women a bit older than myself. And some were in their mid/late 40's and had little babies to raise. I don't have any children myself. And that is pretty much by choice actually - So I wouldn't really want to raise 2 or 3 kids that were not my own.
But then I suppose had I met Ms. perfect and she had a kid or two, I might have reconsidered my stand on that position. AND I must say, I would never lose respect for someone who is middle age and has a very young child. That just sounds a little low and judgemental to me to say I would lose respect for them because of that..
The Ms. perfect I have met has 2 older kids - And that's cool with me. Even if they were younger I don't think I would have fled into the night. Because she is a rare soul and a good person.. AND TOTALLY GORGEOUS I might ad | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 2:04:19 PM | It can be difficult....my former brother-in-law, age 55 next month, has five children two (ages 34 and 33) with his first wife, and three (ages 11, 10, and 10 months) with his second (and much younger) wife. I love all my nieces and nephews, and the baby girl is beautiful, but by the time she is 25, he (and I)will be 80...........I suspect that when older men have "second" or "first" families at advanced ages, that much older siblings of the little ones end up being caretakers, and I don't know if that's fair......only time will tell.
Obviously, for women, it's not so much of an issue, unless you're 50, and get a "surrogate" to carry the child to term. Most of the people who do that have lots of money, so it's not so much an issue for them.....but it is wild to have grandchildren who are older than your child, as in my ex brother-in-law's case... | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 2:54:14 PM | i am not sure i would lose ALL respect for him but i sure would submit him for a mental evaluation. sorry i know it works once in a while but so does buying a lottery ticket and it works out just about as often. the old parrothead  | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 3:49:17 PM | I don't mind if older men have young children. I've never had any and its not like they will spend all their time with dad. They have their own mother. I have a friend who is 47 and has a 9 yr old. When they are visiting, since her mom can be ill at times I always end up spending most of my time with her.
She has acquire a great personality from her mom and I, and now that she's older she is not in diapers therefore still has that child wonderment that is so cute to that age group that you just want to show her the world, and she tells people I am her aunt. I'm crazy about her, but to me kids are a blessing, not a burden. Although I would not have any myself, if a man wants to have them older, goodness knows he would probably be a better parent now then when he was in his 20s. So good for him.
Paris | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:03:24 PM | You know? I have thought about this. I have a 19 year old Son who has moved out or so he says! lol. I have inherited his g/f along with him and his friends. I love it when they are around. Keeps me young! I have a daughter who is 16 and yes, hormone city gallore!  But after giving this much thought? Why the heck not? Like, I don't want to do diapers and feedings. Not the energy for that. But if you find someone who truly takes your heart, why wouldn't you be happy to be with him/her doing day to day things and living? So what? Kids are involved. They aren't awake 24/7. There is such a thing as babysitters. You are not ever meant to take the place of their Mom/Dad. And when I think about it? Heck, younger may actually be less work than what I have now! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:16:48 PM | | Sorry, but I have no desire to be dating a guy with kids under the age of majority - or even kids still living at home (unless it's a temporary situation). It's bad enough trying to deal with kids who are older and on their own - even those think dear old mom or dad are too senile to have minds of their own and gawd forbid they should even think about having sex. I've encountered a LOT of having to deal with territorial kids. Rule #1 for most kids is - "Mom and Dad are not allowed to have any kind of life unless it has to to with US." Quite frankly, I'm not interested in that sort of drama anymore. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:54:57 PM | Twisted hun? The kids that hang around my house all think it is cool for an old lady like myself to actually have a "dating" life. And God knows, this gal learns a lot from them. And they keep me young. I laugh so much when they are here! I miss them when they are out.
P.S. - Is that our very own Miss Mae in one of your pics darlin? | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:26:18 PM | I wouldn't go looking for a man with very young children, but on the other hand, lots of grandparents raise their grandkids and of course I would do that if I ever had to. There's no reason for me to think that would happen but when I was working for social services, I found out it happens quite often. One couple my age ended up with their 5 very young grandchildren. They already had an older child around 11 or 12 still at home. Before I left my job, the grandfather/father had left the home and she was trying to raise all 6 kids alone with no support from anyone including her husband who walked out on all of them.
I was at my daughter's house and we were talking about teen pregnancies because they had been watching the movie "Juno". My daughter said that if my teenage granddaughter got pregnant she would want her to put the baby up for adoption because we all agree that abortion is out of the question, but evidently she wouldn't want a baby to interfere with my granddaughter's future plans. Without even thinking, I told her there's no way anyone in my family would put a baby up for adoption because I would raise it myself before I would allow that. I realized after I said it that I meant it. I love kids and I wouldn't want to raise any more, but under certain circumstances, I would do it with no hesitation. That being said, I won't date a man who has ever dated women young enough to be his daughter (or granddaughter) because that tells me his values are very different than mine. I wouldn't instantly run because of kids because it would matter more to me why he's raising very young kids if he's my age or older. With me, I guess it would depend more on the age of the mother of the child than the fact that there is a child. In another case I had in my last job, a guy older than me called me to tell me that the mail I sent was no longer his wife's address. He was so very angry and bitter that the very young girl he married and had a child with had left him for a guy her own age and he was going to have to pay child support out of his SS benefits. I just couldn't feel any sympathy for him. He should have seen that coming. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:28:05 PM | If a man makes a deliberate choice to put off having children until he is in his fifties (and then some), it strikes me that he is not fully considering his children’s well-being. He is likely putting his own desires/ needs first.
Statistically, that sixty-year-old father will likely die before his child graduates high school. Most of us do eventually have to deal with losing parents but I am grateful that I had my dad until I was well into my adulthood. My daughter also had a chance to develop a great relationship with her grandfather. Unfortunately, my youngest brother (same age as my daughter) feels as though he was robbed by losing our dad – my brother was just a teen.
Just because biology allows men to reproduce until they drop dead, it doesn’t follow that it is a healthy choice. However, I don’t lose respect for any man who takes responsibility for children that they father.
(an aside: Isn’t it odd that people pass judgement on women who bear many children – calling them names like “baby factory” – when these women are only doing what nature allows in the time that they are best suited for reproduction? Why is it that some view a man’s ability to reproduce as some sort of status symbol – virility, re-captured youth, health …?)
I would actually like to know why some men decide to have children when they are older. Is it supposed to be a visible sign of virility? And, if it were, would I prove my active, virile, sexual being by getting pregnant or my stupidity? I am aware that I have old eggs and have a greater chance, at my age, of having a baby with birth defects. But if an amniocentesis could ensure that a middle-aged woman’s baby is healthy, would society tolerate her right to continue to reproduce well into her later reproductive years? Would they view this woman as virile?
(Just wondering – not interested in getting pregnant.) | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:20:48 PM | Aha! Twisted! I know a hottie when I sees one!
OT: Well yes, if a man begins having children after 50, I would have to really wonder what or who he was thinking of. I mean really? He will not be around all that long to share his knowledge of life as he knows it with his child. Think about the child being without their parent at a very young age? Hmm..doesn't seem quite right does it? | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:37:45 AM | let me clarify...my friend "A" had a man chase her at her job (co-worker) A is 50, raised 2 sons who are grown & outta the house. Her co-worker "N" was after her, 60...then she found out he got a woman PG at age 58. I'm not talking purposefully fathering a child, an oops..
Maybe that Baby Mama Drama flies for an 18 yr old, or even a 28 yr old BUT A 58 year old???
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:44:12 AM | | My brother became a father at age 46, he got married for the first time at age 45, and his wife is 8 years younger than him. His daughter is 5, and the joy of his life. He seems to be taking it all in stride, although his hair has grayed and he has some back problems, both of which could have happened if he had not married or had a child I suppose. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:38:01 AM | breath~that's one touching story,but you might be in the wrong thread!!!
NUMB3RS people,it all comes down to,...NUMB3RS!!!
Think of the kid,FIRST AND FOREMOST.Not the man being so selfish to procreate.Life is a gift,cherish it.Don't blemish it!!!
DAD:45 Child:0ne(aww,how cute!)
DAD:55 Child graduates public school:10
DAD:65 Child graduates H.S:20...(or 63/18)
Already Dad is starting to become more like GRAND-Dad!!!
That's not even mentioning when your son is ten years old in the Little League having a catch with an old fart(55) and all the other ten year old boys are having catches with young strapping fathers(30-35)
It's just not fair to the child.Okay fast foward to the childs proud weedding day(25),but no father to walk them down the aisle,who died two weeks before the wedding(75 yrs old)  | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:07:19 AM | No doubt about it, having the kids gone by 50 is the ideal scenario. However, if you happen to find yourself living with a woman whose biological clock goes off, and there is an age difference, what do you do? Say, "Sorry, honey, if you want kids go find another man."?
Easier said than done. Be nice if life was all neat and tidy, but it isn't. In my younger days the ladies had just discovered the pill, and they wanted jobs, travel, parties and career development. It was great, but I would never have had any kids at all if I had not had them when I was older. For me it was find a younger woman or abandon the idea of a family, something I was just not prepared to accept.
That said, I certainly appreciate the sentiments of those who don't want to hook up with people who are still raising kids. I probably would avoid it as well. On the other hand, I also would not run after any woman who was kid free, as she likely would not be particularly supportive of my kid centered life style, and there is no doubt about it, raising kids is helped a lot by having a partner that supports you. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:33:09 AM | We actually know quite a few people who have younger children late in life, whether they are their own, or stepped up to the plate when a family member abandoned a child, or via foster care.
Yes the odds lessen that they'll be around to see their grandchildren, but as long as they are raising the child to be a productive member of society, who cares if they will be 60 or 65 when the child graduates HS?
We hold those of our friends who have taken in foster kids or assumed the failed responsibility of a family member, long after their own have flown the coop, in special regard. They are the epitome of selflessness, in our eyes.
Sure it's not for everyone (we ourselves couldn't do it, that's for sure), but like one of the first posters said - none of these age 45+ and single parents (that we know personally, anyway) is looking for an ersatz mom/dad to these kids, as they already have their own parenting responsibilities firmly under control. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:38:36 AM | This question really takes some thought to answer honestly. I had to think about if I would and under what circumstances. Is it a two part question--would you date a man who had small children--or should men have children say over 45--just because they can?
I can only address the dating/involvement part. One thing I believe--always consider that the day may come when something may happen to the ex--and you and he would be sharing the responsibility of raising a little one(s). Is that a commitment you can make? Or, 'she' may just decide she doesn't want to do it anymore--guess what!
Would I--well I suppose I would if I truly cared for the man. It is part of the package. I know it would be not as I planned my life but what in life is planned? Would I be tired, know that money would not be as available and it would mean a lessening of freedom--sure! This could also happen if for some reason a man had to suddenly raise a grandchild for whatever reason.
It is ok to say no--I don't want to even consider having little ones in my life again. It is also all right to take a chance for all the joys and trials it can bring. A lot depends upon the man--at least you know ahead of time what kind of father he will be! You don't often get a 'free trial' on that one. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:54:01 AM | Men don't HAVE the essentially biological limitations of women
Men have children in their 40s 50s and even 60s......but you can bet
they are not with some broken down, tired 45 year old generally..
Men have flexibility, when they are 35, they can date or marry 20
they can also date or marry 35.....when they are 40...same thing
when they are 40 they can date anybody just about....
even at 50, they can go 'younger' or older.........
This flexibility annoys older women in the dating pool, and some become
hyper-critical...........even demonstrably jealous.
Most men simply don't care and rarely criticize other men even if
they date , marry or have children later in life, or "middle age'
Men are individuals too, and many if not most don't give a crap about
what some body else (esp another woman) thinks about his life's choice
in re 'becoming a father' in middle age (or any other age)
Middle-aged men generally don't HAVE children with an old broad......
duh | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:01:27 AM | Geeze Louise...Your posts never get any better do they Sarafina, Saramana or whatever. Why oh why do you feel the need to insult older women? Your opinions are obviously invited, the same as every one elses. Your insults however, you would be better off keeping to youself.
OT: We can think all we want about what we deem essential or what we do not wish to have in our lives. However, fate, karma, or whatever in the heck one wishes to call it, works in mysterious ways! Never say never! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:19:59 AM |
Men don't HAVE the essentially biological limitations of women
What a load of BS. The real life experiences of men and women are not all that different, and are strictly individual experiences. There are attractive and fertile women out there right up to their 60's these days, but, like men, given their choice, would likely prefer to have kids younger rather than older. Get off your computer and experience a bit of real life. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:55:44 AM | Men have children in their 40s 50s and even 60s......but you can bet they are not with some broken down, tired 45 year old generally.....Middle-aged men generally don't HAVE children with an old broad......duh
Completely insulting and uncalled for, as well as an embarrassment to the rest of us men.
OT: Again, there are so many different family dynamics these days, and the reasons for them are just as diverse. If it's not for you, no big deal, just keep looking. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:41:23 AM | ~OP~ I know this story. My son's bio-donor has children ranging from 22 (my son) to his latest which is under a year ~ guess he hasn't figured out what causes that yet.  And my exhusband, who is now 45 has a 1 year old. Good grief!! (I might add, neither of them are currently married ~ more "My babies Daddy"s !!) Sigh.  | |
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