| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 12:17:44 PM | | Wow guess I'm the odd woman out here. One of the things that attracted me most to the last guy I dated was the fact that he was raising his young daughter on his own (her mother walked away when she was 9 months old). I met him just before her 10th birthday. We stopped seeing each other a little over a year ago but his little girl is still very much a part of my life (so much so her stone is in my mothers ring with my own childrens). I think I'd be more apt to turn away from a man with children of any age that does not take an active part in his childrens' life then a middle age man with young children. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:12:59 PM | | My profile specifically states that I am an "empty-nester" and am looking for someone in a similar situation. My days of dealing with young children (& the accompanying ex-wife/mama drama) are over. Now, I want Couples Time! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:48:38 PM | | I am an empty nester and dated a 61 year old with a 10 year old son. He was a great dad, one of the best I have seen actually, the kids was awesome. I think it really depends on the circumstances and the individual. I had a really great time with him and his son, actually really enjoyed being around a child again. But again it totally depends on the dynamics with the mom, him and the personalities of the kids. It wouldn`t be a stopper if it is a healthy situation, and it can be. But it can be a nightmare if there is alot of fighting and drama. That I will run from. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:46:32 PM | | I like kids and family but having observed older parents - I feel sorry for the kids. The love is there but not necessarily the energy, discipline and sometimes - they die. This has a huge impact on their lives. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:40:16 PM | I feel compelled to discuss my experience on this topic from MANY perspectives and believe it truly comes down to the individuals involved. It may be long winded and I may get flamed but remember here, as I have stated, I am fighting a compulsion ! 
I have had 2 families, sired and raised(ing) 3 sons in each relationship and a step daughter from the age of 3. Eldest is 30, youngest is 9. First 'wife' was 6 years my elder I was 19. Relationship lasted 9 years and we split amicably, split custody on weekends for the 3 boys resultant of that union. 2 years later met and after 3 year courtship, married a woman with a 13 yr old son. We got along great ,played hockey together and my sons were all 'brothers'. My sons came and lived with us for a summer while their Mom got some relationship issues of her own sorted out. They moved back with their Mom and life was back to normal. 1 year later my step-son died, devestated my wife and I and the marriage fell apart do to maternal grief and perhaps my lack of knowledge(?) on how to support her through this in the proper manner. Dated voraciously for 5 years and had a mix of no kids, single Moms, wants kids, wants more kids, etc... etc...
Met and dated my 2nd CL 'wife' (who was 11 years my junior and had a 2 yr. old ) for 3 years during which time we moved into a new place together. Her daughter asked her Mom if she could call me "Daddy", I was touched and loved it. A daughter! Well 1 year later we had a 'surprise' and another baby was on the way. I had no problem with this as my S/O wanted more kids and I was getting a 2nd chance at raising a family again, it kept me young below my years. First sons were still visiting occasionally as they were getting a little older and actually didn't want to spend weekends away from their friends. As the first two turned 16 they came to live with myself and my new family and each moved out at 18. They got along well with my 'wife' and would baby sit for us to have a little alone time which was great. Over the next 5 years we voluntarily had 2 more sons and I was Fred McMurray x2!! 8 years later different lifestyles ( I would stay home with the kids while she 'clubbed' with her GF.s) and stories getting back from friends about her 'antics' with a fellow her age led to a confrontation and confession. That was the end of family #2, I do not tolerate infidelity even for 'the sake of the kids'. I admit I did derive Karmic satisfaction when she 'got hers' a couple years later and he dumped her for someone else. But over time we ironed out our differences and returned to being friends, we always kept the kids' interests at the forefront. During this period I had met and dated a mother of two, her 19 yr old son at home and ready to move out. We got along fine (son), had similar interests and could sit and talk or go out to a sporting event or concert. Her 25 yr old daughter was long distance but still kept in touch via phone, we met on holidays and had very similar senses of humor so we could get the whole blended family laughing. One visit, my younger sons asked if my GF and I were going to get married with both of us present. We hadn't discussed it at that point and I dodged the question by asking if they had asked their mother the same question (she was still with the younger guy who dumped her). They stated that while they liked my GF and hoped we got married, they didn't like my exes beau and didn't want to see them get married and have him as a step-Dad. This statement gave me a new perspective from a childs angle. One thing I would NOT recommend, trying to vacation with 2 drastically different ages of kids. Very stressful on the Mom (at least in this case). Tension from the fact that my GF wanted to spend time with her kids but felt she had to watch little ones too despite my iterations that I could and had done it before. This relationship was not destined to last and we parted as friends.
So, today, at 50 I am currently starting to date a lady my age with a 7 yr old daughter.
We date occasionally and I have met her daughter as a 'friend of Mom's'. We are both wary of her daughter forming an attachment early so do not include her on most dates. I have stated I do not want to sire any more kids but have no problem raising hers with her if we get to that level of commitment and she understands totally my position on this. My youngest children have moved long distance (cross country), their Mother is marrying a guy who adores the kids and vice versa and visits will be limited to summer vacations at this point in time. There was a conflict of interest over to whom they should be loyal within themselves but we talked it out and I explained that I will always be their Father and always love them and now they have the benefit of 2 Dads. Would I do it all again?? Honestly, for having the kids, yes! For the heartache and grief, no! As I say, it comes down to the individuals involved. But ...ALWAYS THINK OF THE KIDS! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/17/2008 10:00:04 PM | Cougarcatnip, thanks for mentioning & reminding people about what is most important here:
But ...ALWAYS THINK OF THE KIDS!
The OP referred to men over age 60 who chose to father babies. It sounds like your kids were all born while you were still in your forties. Your kids have enjoyed growing up with a young & healthy father. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:57:15 AM |
I like kids and family but having observed older parents - I feel sorry for the kids. The love is there but not necessarily the energy, discipline and sometimes - they die. This has a huge impact on their lives.
UGH! My youngest two children born when I was 30 and 32, their dad was 2 years older, not old, barely middle aged, not ill, went to bed healthy one night at the ripe old age of 40 and died. A time bomb at the base of his brain, carried since birth undetected-a berry anerisum, ruptured.
My mother died from cervical cancer when my baby sister was 8. My grandfather was in a tree helping his great grandkids build a tree house the week before he died at the age of 89.
Age is not an indicater of health, energy, or life span. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:45:57 AM | It is undeniable that a man in 'middle age', fathering children is quite
BIOLOGICALLY different than an older broad having childbirth and
still being the major 'care giver' of an infant, and very young child....
That's why 'older' men many times still have second families and young
children, even after having grown kids by a previous marriage.
It is COMMONPLACE if not very likely, that if a man, say 45, decides to
divorce his 44 or 45 year old 'wife', he is very likely to 'trade her in' on a
newer model, seldom an OLDER model......thus, if the younger, new wife
still wants children with her 'new' husband, the husband seldom has
physiological impediments to a decision to be a 'father' again.
Few physicians would advise an older broad to have children, because of
clearly documented complications that may arise........an older man seldom
has any such worry.
A man 45, having a one year old by a younger woman after divorcing his 'first' wife
perhaps of similarly older age, is certainly not unusual in the least. Many times
the spurned 'first wife' becomes irritated if not downright 'critical' of her ex-
husband's 'new life' and 'new family'. That attitude seems borne purely out of
sour grapes, even jealousy.
Again, the 'mature', 'older' or 'middle-aged man' is obviously free to exercise
many options..........those options are indeed exercised and are old as time
in numerous societies and cultures. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 8:47:34 AM | Goodness, saramana, you voice ill informed opinions based on stereotypes. In my case, for instance, it was me that was "spurned", and she moved in with an older man who had had kids and was already "fixed". Nevertheless, they tried all the technology stuff, and eventually adopted. Complete reverse from your imagined scenarios, and not particularly uncommon.
Remember that most divorce actions are initiated by women, not men. One can argue that they have their reasons, but in my experience with divorce, reasons are usually rationalizations largely designed by the initiator to export their own responsibility for the failed relationship onto the other party. In fact, it takes two to tango, and nobody likes to look on themselves as being responsible for a failure of a relationship.
The only point I would grant is that the period of female fertility is generally shorter, under natural conditions, than that of the male, but in practice, lots of guys these days have a couple of kids and then get fixed, only to later find themselves divorced for whatever reason and unable to offer the possibility of children to subsequent relationships. For these people, their period of fertility is much shorter than that of the female, and their options are just as limited as that of a post-menopausal female. Difference is, they find themselves there in their 30s, not their 50s. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:27:54 AM | Saramana. You refer to older ladies as "old broads" in your post above but call older men just that? Why not "old broads and old geezers" to even out the playing field? Like really, if you want to be insulting, why not be that way to both sexes? Just an observation here.
OT: I think it is the choice of the individuals involved whether or not they are willing to take on the added responsibility of young children after their own are pretty much grown. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:29:11 PM | Well, it shows the shallowness of some people. I'm a 50 year old man with a 6 year old and have no problem finding people. When you find the right woman, they will embrace every part of your life. It's like saying I won't don't a man that is bald or has skin tags or whatever. A child can bring a lot of good and joy to any relationship. Think of the places you can go on vacation that you normally wouldn't go. Plus, there are babysitters and family for the times you want to be alone.
You shouldn't look past finding a good man just because he has a young child. I do respect those that don't want it however.
I hear of plenty of ladies who are dating men with out children and they are being cheated on and the men have alchohol problems or financial problems....would you rather have that or put with a child.
Take care | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 6:32:55 PM | I know I don't have what it takes to raise one to a couple of little ones anymore. I can wait till I'm a grandma now.. for those cutsie itsy-bitsy babies. All in due time! Then.. I'll be able to hand them back (spoiled rotten) to their parents.. with a sheepish smile on my face!
I just recently.. "mutually".. left a relationship with a man that had a 17 year old and an 8 year old. The two boys have different mothers.. and I felt it was necessary to bring up.. how quickly time flies when your oldest is in his last year of high school. It was getting close to summer.. and I thought it was best to have the three of them spend as much time together as possible to really bond. This way.. hopefully they'll create such wonderful and lasting memories.. that these kids will always be there for each other.. no matter what the future holds for them. I wished him the best of luck! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/18/2008 8:21:38 PM | Red darlin I am so very sorry to hear that! You seemed so happy. But alas, I guess when in the midst of things we know what works and doesn't work for us!
Hugs g/f! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:21:10 AM | There's nothing wrong with people having children younger, older, or whatever; I just choose not to date them.
I've raised mine and don't want the burden of raising anymore.
I don't really like small children anymore.
I enjoy the freedoms of not having small kids to look after. I can travel anywhere. I have the extra income available to me.
Some people love kids and love raising them. That is great for them. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:42:20 PM | But, seriously, what do you think of an older man w/ lil kids????
That's as exciting as a 39 year old person who is unable to spell with and little.
the spurned 'first wife' becomes irritated if not downright 'critical' of her ex-husband's 'new life' and 'new family'. That attitude seems borne purely out of sour grapes, even jealousy.
No, Sara - it is borne purely out of how many of these first husbands make several babies with the first [disposable] wife, cannot afford the babies he has and yet goes on to make a second batch and complains that he can't afford to pay his child support because he has a second family to support now.
Personally, if they are up for the challenge of raising kids in their middle or later age, great for them. I am enjoying my grandchildren and have no desire to help raise another batch of kids, although it is by no stretch a deal breaker. I would not run from a terrific guy just because he had children. Most of us gals have raised our children and are quite simply done | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:21:01 AM | An older broad say or 58 or closing in on 60 is DONE anyway..
They mostly are on a different 'plane' than a man of 58 who
may consider having young kids (again).
The female at 58 is 'history' with respect to normal years
of fertility, conception...and in some cases attractiveness
when compared to a woman even 15 years her junior...in
other words, the old broad does not have the same 'options'
as even the geezer at 58 ....that should be easy enough for any
moron to understand.
If any older man is considering to have kids, he's damn sure not
doing it anyway with a woman near his own age...THAT's the
POINT .....
Society would look at an old woman chasing 50 or 60, like she's
crazy if she wanted kids............that SAME society gives the older
male far more latitude...........examples are all around ! in every
neighborhood, Main Street, Wall Street, Hollywood.........EVERYWHERE.
Of COURSE OLDER women are "DONE"
OLDER MEN are not "done"..........period ..that's the inherent difference
between the genders...a very salient difference . | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:04:07 AM | saramana, if the only thing that your epitaph will possibly read is that you fathered lots of kids until the day you died, you will have lived a sad life indeed. And so will all the poor folks who you used to achieve essentially nothing.
If a person is useful by virtue of being able to procreate and used up when that is no longer possible, you are not considering the incredible accomplishments that people make around this simple biological function.
Women have to put some years into the workforce (if only to have a livable pension) and they lose ground when they stop to have children. Some women set their lives aside to produce & raise great kids (who will contribute things to the larger world other than more kids) and then return to the work force, often having lost seniority. Other women just enter the work force after having raised children. Rather than being 'used up,' they discover that they have brains, ideas, talents -- a purpose to living that is completely removed from their biological ability to bear children.
So, saramana, you have discovered that you can shoot sperm and they actually are able to mate with willing eggs. Good for you. With your attitude, may you never be permitted to be involved in shaping your children's minds, especially your daughters. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:59:29 AM | Thanks moon..
Yes.. I was and still am a happy lil angel. Just.. shy one man.. !
You do bring up a very good point though. Happiness is alllll what you make it.. as is the case with every other aspect of life.
Some are happiest when young children are involved in their lives.. and some can't handle even the thought of kids.. even well behaved teens.. and alllll that that can bring to the table.. so-to-speak. After my last experience.. I can see why the latter is true. Well.. not so much the well behaved teens.. but.. definitely the younger children. There's so much going on between the biological parents (taking turns on who gets what kid/s for the weekend/holidays/vacation/sick time).. schooling.. outside activities.. that.. it really doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for the added dating. Not to mention of course.. the financial aspects of dating. IMO
I know I've had plenty of time.. with my youngest now being 21.. to do as I please.. when I please.. and my money is just that.. for the bills..  ! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:02:56 AM | MS AMO you state about yourself the following:
"[I've been in a million & one different occupations (maybe more) probably because I am not afraid of hard work and learning new things. But I also love to dress up, get froofy, sparkly & frilly.
I'm a left-leaning type activist (though maybe not enough lately), try to contribute to the social well-being of my community and, when possible, the world. "
WELL, MS AMO, IT'S TOO BAD YOU CHOOSE TO 'PERSONALIZE' AND INTERNALIZE AN OPINION, THEN MAKE A FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT ATTACKING THE AUTHOR, YOURS TRULY...
But again in your own profile you really do reveal something important about WHO you are,don't you?
You state about yourself :
"I've been in a million & one different occupations (maybe more) probably because I am not afraid of hard work and learning new things. But I also love to dress up, get froofy, sparkly & frilly.
I'm a left-leaning type activist (though maybe not enough lately), try to contribute to the social well-being of my community and, when possible, the world. "
and YOU want to 'fence with ME ??
You're just another old broad over 50 hanging out on web-based dating sites I guess, trying to 'find your way'.......or a man perhaps after all of your accomplishments.
Good for you, good luck to you.......you NEED it. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:39:52 AM | Age is countless- fathershood is fatherhood!
I quess I'm a late bloomer so to speak!
I had my children at 39 -40 and 42 nothing wrong with being able to start a family late in life!
I was able to have a secure career early in life offer my ex. a good opportunity to stay home as a housewife (most ladies dreams) and raise the boys.
Although the marriage ended from a irretrivable diffrences-- to my dismay , I am still a father.
I get a chance to be a father on weekends and enjoy my teenage boys on a man to man basis. During their years a adolesents I attended their sports events -social events and kept them in church-as well as entertained them as a single" DAD"!
One benefit about my position is that I was well prepared to be settled in as a 'Father"with YOUNGSTER!
The last benefit is the ladies I date usually fall for them --before they fall for me! Ha Ha
I must have done something right as an older father! I wouldn't have it anyother way!
 love my young men-BOYS! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:16:38 PM | Classic man, having children when you are 42 is not really what most people consider late in life. It looks like you are not wanting to start another family at this stage of your life but I suppose that could change if you meet a young woman who has not yet had children.
I was never afraid of dating a man with children. I really don't know know how I would feel about it now.
Just about 2 years ago, I did meet online, date and marry a man who still had relatively young children. And I did fall in love with the kids quite quickly. They seemed like great kids (one just barely a teen and the other late teen). We had wonderful conversations & dad would ask advice on things (no mom in picture).
One thing they never did was sit down to a meal as a family a chat. I loved being able to help out with university applications & that sort of thing. We all got along great & my daughter was happy that she would have siblings (though she did first react to to having to share me with other kids -- she knew how much I cared for them)
But the kids were not quite so happy when marriage was mentioned. I was accepted as long as I didn't seem to be replacing their mother. The marriage fell apart very quickly.
The best advice we received (too little too late) was that all couples planning to blend a family go to at least 3 counseling sessions specifically addressing potential issues. It's so much harder to back-track & would have been better if we could have had better vision. Even if one partner has no children or the children are all grown, you are still blending families. | |
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| good stuff...
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:42:42 AM | whew...you stated :
"Just about 2 years ago, I did meet online, date and marry a man who still had relatively young children. And I did fall in love with the kids quite quickly."
Whoa there Amo, you did WHAT two years ago ??????????
It's good to see then you're back ON LINE giving it the ole college try again...
good stuff...I love it
ON THE BEACH | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:08:25 AM | Let me change the topic back to what is was originally! lol
Anyone notice that the one thing no one has mentioned is that sure, tis ok for some of you "studly" men to become a father in middle age. However, what about actually being a "father/parent" to said children? Anyone can be a sperm donor, which I think totally rings clear by some in this thread. It is quite another to hang around and raise them. I know of some fine men that are very involved in their children's lives, yet, others do the macho thing, drop their seed and move on to another. Not cool!!! | |
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