| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/22/2008 2:51:09 PM | | I understand completely the reservations that MANY women have about dating a man in his 40s or 50s (or even older) with a small child at home. I was 45 and my wife 40 when our daughter was born...we had both finally completed our schooling and both had professional certifications and it was QUITE a surprise when she came along......albeit a very happy one. We had a son who was 14 at the time and we were very excited about our future together........when she passed away suddenly from a stroke 3 weeks after the baby was born. Being single (let alone a full time single parent) was the LAST situation I ever thought I'd find myself in....but there I was. Most of the parents of her classmates are slightly over half my age.......and most women I meet anywhere near my age have grandchildren older than she is. I understand that their situation is very different from mine and I understand their reluctance to go through that again. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/22/2008 3:54:18 PM | "I'd rather have her in my life that any woman that would even say something like the OP did."
There is nothing wrong with NOT wanting kids....If you do thats great, having said that the OP is entitled to NOT want them.
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:26:16 AM | Oh taxguy, that is so very sad & what a horrible shock at such a special time in your life. I am so sorry. I'm guessing that's you and your kids in the picture. Sweet family & I am truly sorry that you and your kids, especially your son, had to deal with such an unexpected tragedy.
I actually think that it would be easier to deal with a man who has younger children & get to know them before they hit the early teens. A bit of what contributed to my recent short (an understatement by any standard) marriage was a fair bit of sabotage done by the teenage son. I got along great with him before the marriage. He were both interested in talking about politics, could get into similar music and horror movies, mountain biking ... He wanted me to teach him to cook & even did some baking with me. But he had it in mind early that he was going to prove that things could not work so set out to do the task. Once he had started, he seemed hell-bent on finishing it. And oh boy did he do some doozies to some high-priced household electronics & even to my dog.
I always found that the troubles my daughter dished out got more challenging with age. So, I expect that melding with a family -- blending -- would be simpler if the kids were younger. Anyone please feel to correct me.
The difficulty, probably, for women who have already raised their children is that they might have been past dealing with empty nest syndrome and on to empty nest celebrating, greater financial freedom, discovering that you can clean a kitchen at night and wake up the next morning and the kitchen will still be clean  ....
But, the perfect man might have children. If he is a good, involved father (does not mean that he gives in to every whim), he is likely a man with a generous heart.
But taxguy, you were fairly young when you had your children. Lousy circumstances left you a single man. If you now met a woman who did not have children & wanted at least one of her own, would you (assuming you can) father a child at this stage of your life? After all, your little girl is still young and would be close in age to the next. Or would you consider the difficulty that children born to older fathers will likely face -- being too young when they lose their dad?
Like moonchild mentioned & it was mentioned before, what about the kids? | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:38:40 AM | hmmm
For every "father" there is a "mother".... no matter the AGE
"mothers" elect to 'birth' or bring to 'term'... duh
it's clear that all women are truly in control and have the 'last word'
in even a man's decision' to become a 'father' in middle age ..
That should be clear even for a moron of either gender........duh
dumb stuff on some of these forums........
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:17:05 AM | ^^Hey hunny?
You no likey you no have to lookey now do you? 
Again, tis up to the individuals as you cannot lump everyone together, treating their situations the same. | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:28:59 AM |
it's clear that all women are truly in control and have the 'last word'
in even a man's decision' to become a 'father' in middle age ..
That would be true if you let them have that power. In real life there are a large number of fertile females only too delighted to make babies with men of almost any age. If one woman chooses not to let you become a father in middle age, walk around the block. You will readily find another one willing and able. That is just the nature of life.
Its always entirely the man's, or the woman's decision to become a parent. Usually, just matter of choosing between a number of compromises.
But you are correct. A lot of not well thought out stuff gets out on the forums..... | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:22:45 PM | | At my age (56), I don't think its likely that I will develop a serious relationship with a woman who is still young enough to want to have a child (or another child). But if that unlikely event took place, I would have to think about it long and hard......for the reasons that you mentioned in your post. If I fathered a child now, I'd be well into my 70s by the time they got out of high school (assuming I lived that long), so it would be a difficult thing to consider doing..... | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:13:35 AM | Again...BOTTOM LINE...it's the WOMAN
that determines whether to actually HAVE
a child.......whether the 'father' is 30, or
the father is in his late forties or 50 or older...
The MOTHER is in the undisputed 'driver's seat'
so it's a hollow arugment to discuss a 'father's decision'
to become a 'father' in 'isolation'.
The base responsibility remains with the female in
the final analysis...so it seems appropriate to place
the locus of responsibility where it TRULY belongs...and
that's squarely upon a female getting pregnant and consciously
deciding to GIVE BIRTH...
duh | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:34:47 AM | Yes saramana.. I do see part of your POV.
But.. it still takes two to tango!
Therefore.. to assume it's "all" on a woman to "want" to have children.. is a very feminist POV.
"She" has the right to take action in preventing a child.. as does "he".. and "she" only has the right to decide whether to carry the child without "his" interactions.
"They".. hopefully.. decide/d together on "having" a child.
Probably with the thought.. as all who marry or co-habitate do.. to be together for each others forever.
Unfortunately.. as most of us can attest.. this doesn't always happen in the end.
Sometimes.. marriages with small children.. end. JMO | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:56:56 AM | This topic is becoming as old and tired as the people that have to raise those pre schools grade and middle school kids .
How many times have I seen it worded differently
I have one child ..one and had him when I was 34
When asked why I tell people I learned my lesson the 1st time. | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:47:09 AM | Simple:
Men become 'fathers in middle age' because
WOMEN DECIDE to have sex, become pregnant,
and bring a child to full term.....
WOMEN make the conscious decision for
CHILD BIRTH.....and child rearing !
There's always birth control, and of course abortion
both of which are perfectly legal.
double duh | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:26:09 AM | Saramana..
Okay.. first.. let's try being tactfully adult.. okay? It just makes for much more merit on everyones opinion.
Second.. it takes two to decide to have sex.. not just the woman.
He does need to be "arroused" in order to perform sexually.. ergo.. it takes two to "decide" to have sex.
No matter how many lapdances she performs.. if he isn't into her or it.. it aint happenin'.
Third.. many men have and still do "rear their children" without the womans involvement.. for various given reasons.. including.. some women are proven to just be unfit.
Fourth.. he.. can also decide to use birth control methods if he so chooses during the sexual act itself.. so therefore.. they BOTH must decide on whether they want to have sex and create children.
She can't have one with him if he decides to use a prophylactic device during all sexual relations with her.
Fifth.. only she can decide to carry the then "mutually" created child to full term.. and can only make this decision up until the fifth month of pregnancy.
Allowing the father of the unborn child to have some say in this is one of the reasons for ongoing legal quarrels within the US Justice System.
I haven't read anyones post/s stating she couldn't have an abortion.. or.. that it was considered illegal up until the 5th month of pregnancy in the US.
Therefore.. for a woman to abort a "mutually" decided upon child.. just sounds like a very vindictive and/or cruel woman to me.JMO | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:51:05 AM | Inarguably...
THE WOMAN has the last word in child birth...
Period.
The woman "agrees'" to the sex act (notwithstanding rape)
THE WOMAN is in control of gestation and CHILDBIRTH
no 'middle aged man' is in control........EVER....
If it takes any woman 5 long months to DECIDE not to bring
to 'term', that would be telling indeed.........but at any rate the
final decision can, and does rest with her...NOT the male......
She could simply elect to abort....no one 'forces' a woman to
become a 'mother' in our society.......and certainly NOT any
middle-aged man !
SHE decides.....and that's the real bottom line.
simple reasoning methinks | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:00:43 AM | The man has to also "agree" with the sex act (not withstanding rape.. or the use of artificial insemination without his permission.)
Yes.. a man can decide to "fool" a woman into sex thinking it's for procreation.. and then.. slipping on a prophylactic. He does have some.. control.
Not to mention.. the control over his own libido.
So.. we come to the real purpose of your rantings.. controlling the middle aged men by means of one of the oldest and most simplistic (also horrific) tatics women have ever contrived.. naturally.. conception!
How many women throughout the ages have used pregnancy as a means of holding onto a man.. or a floundering relationship? More than anyone would ever care to count.
That's low.. and despicable! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:39:46 AM | A friend of mine has a coworker who is 60 w/ a 3 YEAR OLD! She said when she heard that, she LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM!! So what? Who is she anyway? I think this is one of the dumbest, most ignorant and prejudicial comments I have heard on this site. Your friend is grossly misguided and apparently doesn't have a "it isn't my business" point of view. | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:46:49 AM | Rantings ?? just posting on a topic.....simple enough..
Just like YOU......OPINION ON THE WEB for godzsake !
Nine times out of TEN, a 'middle aged man' who is
the identified 'father' in a pregnancy, is NOT having
sex with a 'middle-aged- woman.
The male has control over his libido...no doubt....
The WOMAN has control over most any sexual situation...
The WOMAN has control over her own body and choice...
A MAN never truly has 'veto power' over what a WOMAN chooses to do
in the case of most any pregnancy.
THE WOMAN controls the outcomes....... of 'childbirth'
and the introduction of LIFE......
She can terminate it at will......with little or no 'input' from any
other human being....if she has the will to do so ....
That's the true locus of power in decision making...no doubt | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:52:17 AM | | ^^^^ That was a very apt description of one of the most important "power and control" issues among the sexes. It's one that is loaded with emotion, and can rarely be discussed without the usual victim rhetoric. So, bravo to you. | |
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| Becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:49:16 AM | There's no need to shout.. which is what a ranting is.. in case you aren't internet savvy.. that would be using caps.. even as a focal point. Try using quotation marks " to stress your points. Thank you.
Once again.. you seem to be suffering under the delusion that someone has said something.. that has not been said. No one said you didn't have a right to your opinion.. or that I did or didn't. You're stating the obvious here.
Just as I've been pointing out to you.. there are two sides to every situation. Just as it takes two to tango.
To so narrow-mindedly state that women are the ones in control over most any sexual situation.. alone.. leaving the men.. what.. emotionally and mentally non-existant sperm donors? They can also use prophylactics to control the situation long before.. I'll state this clearly.. before.. it gets to the point of abortions.
Nine times out of ten times a middle aged man who is the identified father is not having sex with a middle aged woman? Nine out of ten? I don't know where you're getting your statistics.. but.. then again.. what difference does it even make what her age is.. so long of course as she's not underage.. or mentally incapable of making any decisions for herself?
None.. that's what difference it makes.
So if a woman is in her thirties.. she's less able to make those types of life-altering decisions to have a child with a middle aged man.. or older? No.. she's quite capable.
A woman doesn't have "veto power" over a mans decision in persuance of a sexual act either.. or that is called rape as well. Rape among the male population goes less reported than a females.. and therefore there are less viable statistics recorded for use.
That's what's known to the whole world as.. equal rights. Equal rape.. and equally responsible for one's own body and the fluids that stem from it.
The only thing a man doesn't have control over is the power a woman has to abort a fetus up to her 5th month in the US. Then.. after that 5th month.. the law does! This is the only point you and I can agree on.
So.. to state that men have no control over procreation.. doesn't work without the sperm in the first place. There's no need for an abortion should he decide to wear a prophylactic. Equal control then as well.
We can agree to just disagree on women pushing for equality.. and not giving full equal rights back to men then.. as far as abortion is concerned. I.. as in me.. feel it should go both ways.. that he has a say in the situation. If it were men that carried the children.. I know I'd want a say in what he did as far as making me a mom. Then again.. I'd use birth control and head him off at the pass. JMO | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:13:50 AM | | Ron9: I really do not think 39 is too old. My father was 48 when I was born and my mother was 38. They were more like grandparents to me and my little sister. All our friends called them our grandma and grandpa because their parents were so much younger. I have much older brothers and sisters who would tell us of things my parents used to do with them like taking them swimming, camping, etc. and we could not believe it because they were so old and worn out they never did anything with us. Lots of older parents say it is better because they have more time to spend with them but I still think you need to have children while you are young and energetic, and look like the other children's parents. Then, when they are grown you are still young enough to enjoy travel and activities, and also your grandchildren. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:41:59 AM | | Only thing I noticed about having had kids later in life is that they tie you down because of school. Aside from that, its no problem at all. True, I am older than some of the other parents were, and there were days when I would have liked to not to have had to pay attention to stuff in their lives, but I think that is true at any age. Even when they "grow up" you end up tied up in some things of their lives, so I think its all moot. In the end, for a woman, "too old" is menopause, and for a man, "too old" is when you can't get it up any more. Otherwise, its all about choices and lifestyle. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:00:49 PM | If a middle-aged man wants to father a child, that is his choice, he just has to find the right partner, a woman who wants another or a first child.
If both want a child, I don't see a problem.
The only problem I see in this thread is people going way off topic.
It is not about abortion, or who has the most power.
JMO  | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:07:14 PM | I believe everyone has the right to parent a child whenever they want/can.
I'm probably going to get slammed for this but:
I believe that children have the right to the best life possible and that having a child late in life may affect the quality of life of the child.
I would never have a child late in life as I believe that it is selfish to bring a child into the world if you will be aged when they are a teen or 20 something.
As we get older, we have less energy and the risk of not being around for their teen years or their 20's is greater. Yes, people die in accidents/disease but that is different in my mind. Yes, people get sick and need taking care of but aging is different. It's natural and expected when we are 50/60 to take care of an aging parent who is 80/90. But to be 20/30 and have a parent who is 80/90 seems wrong.
One's 20/30's are for enjoying being young, not caring for an 80/90 year old parent. They are too young to have that responsibility on them.
I think it's wrong to bring children into the world if you are over 50 (or even 45). But that is just my thoughts. Doesn't mean I'm right, it's just how I feel about it.
On the other hand, I've seen older parents of young children who are healthy enough now but I worry what will happen when their children are needy teens or 20 somethings and their parents are passed on or lack energy to deal with the teen years or need their children to take care of them because they are now elderly. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:20:30 AM | Cowboy, maybe the problem with all of these threads is that they are , as you put it (strangely enough replying in French), written by people who do worry or concern themselves with other people's lives.
Lots of threads are worded "what do you think of ..."
By answering, posters actually do more than add to opinions. They also provide more insight as to the type of people they are and how they think or reason through topics.
Probably most people view the forums as "why bother, it's not my problem." And it isn't. Even if you are potentially a middle aged father (you are a man who can father a child), it isn't your business if it is not about you.
If you are an older man who can and wants to reproduce, all you need is a woman who can and will do the same. After all of that is accomplished, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. And you could end up being the best parents around.
Mon cherie just wanted (as other posters did) to shift focus to the welfare of the children.
But hey, I looked at this thread last nigh, got a whopping headache -WHAM! -- birth control problem solved  | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:10:11 PM | Il y a quelques gens, cowboy, qui peuvent comprendre le Francais, aussi. Nice to meet people who speak or obviously write more than one language.
It is a matter of choice and not a "right." A chacun son meme. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:47:13 PM | Cette matière a pu facilement être discutée en français. O podríamos hablar de paternidad en español. But what would be the point?
Start a thread about language.
This topic – insane as it is – has to do with fatherhood in middle age. But sure, it as become dull.
Trying to spice it up by speaking French?  | |
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