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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:47:13 PM | Cette matière a pu facilement être discutée en français. O podríamos hablar de paternidad en español. But what would be the point?
Start a thread about language.
This topic – insane as it is – has to do with fatherhood in middle age. But sure, it as become dull.
Trying to spice it up by speaking French?  | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:19:43 PM | Last night, I had dinner with my gentleman friend of 62, and his 11 year old son. They are absolutley fabulous. I think he is one of the best fathers I have ever seen, and Iwould have no qualms at all about spending any amount of time with both of them.
So I guess it depends on the people. But in this case, it is wonderful. But I do admit, dad gets very tired while son is still going strong. He also feels guilty sometimes being a dad to someone where he could be a grandpa, but he is doing a great job. I don`t think age is the factor. It is the soul. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:33:53 PM | What a gang of sexist women. You should mostly all be ashamed.
I married for the first time when I was 43. I waited until I found the Ms. Right. Turns out that unbeknownst to me, Ms. Right liked to stray on her husbands (it was her third marriage), but when I discovered this, I threw her out of my house (that I had owned before the marriage) and immediately filed for divorce. After seeing 14 lawyers (no exaggeration) she found one that finally took her case (there were other issues involving large sums of money missing). After 6 judges, all of who kept the children with me, she finally gave up filing appeals for child custody and half ownership in the home. She then disappeared. The kids have seen her three times this year. She and her latest boyfriend have now moved about 60 miles away. She has zero input in the upbringing of the kids by her choice. I make the decisions, the dinners, the laundry, the homework, the doctors, the school, sports, parties, you name it. She shows up on Mother's Day and Christmas, takes the kids to a cheap restaurant, collects her presents and leaves. Divorce took 2 years, been final for 3 more.
You go ahead and run like hell. I am stable, my home is paid off, I have a great career and my kids are intelligent, successful, kind people at 10, 12, and 14. I need a woman who whines about younger kids like a fish needs a bicycle. No one is going to raise my kids but me. I don't introduce my kids to the women I date, unless I really think they are special, and they are begging to meet them. I don't give women who check the "don't want kids" box a second look. And only women WITH young kids get it. The ones who let " I have raised my kids" come out their mouth usually didn't want them anyway, and are really saying " I finished serving my sentence" .
I am a catch. I don't care if you don't think so. If you are lucky, you MIGHT get to meet my family. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:17:34 PM | "Does not want children" could just as easily mean that the woman does not wish to become pregnant (yes, some of us still have that option -- or worry, depends on the perspective). If a man or woman checks off that box, I would not assume that he does not want newborn, young, teens or other myriads of possibilities.
Interesting though. You have a perspective that is based on your own unfortunate experiences. Very sad for your kids. My experience is quite different. When I married my husband, creating a situation where we blended his and mine, I wanted to adopt children. I do love kids but thought we could give a great home to kids in need. I felt like we had more than we needed materially and that I had the time & skills to raise children. He wanted nothing to do with that idea because He was tired & he still had teenage kids while mine was grown up and away. He was tired of the endless job and just wanted -- still does -- to be like his friends who started earlier and 'got rid of (his words) their kids already. What a sad state of parenting.
I know some people who absolutely hate children. With those people, one must be wary of a future that could include grandchildren. Even if you do have children who are "all over 18" (as in the profile), it does not mean that you do not have children in your future. Why not look at all of the descriptors in the profile before deciding that such honesty is shameful.
Actually, it cannot even be called honesty as a check-box for such a complicated issue is just a beginning. Funny that you responded right after a woman described her terrific experience with a 60+ man who has young children.
Besides, you, as a 43-year-old man could not be called middle aged when you decided to father children. Perhaps something has touched a nerve and you would like to vent. Your ex might be selfish and uncaring towards her children. She is a deadbeat mother & might be welcomed into the club of deadbeat dads. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:46:47 AM | Trying to spice it up by speaking French? Anachnu m'daberu ba-ivreet chutzmeh--does Hebrew help enliven this strained topic?
However, I still see that a lot of threads need not begin if a person starts off with a much more laissez-faire attitude. Perhaps you are correct, amo-vida, esta es solamente un resultado de personas que son aburridas con este tema.
By the way...Euro 2008: VIVA ESPANA!!! 
Edit: P.S., Amo-Vida, your family looks a little "wooden," a little stiff. | |
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Hodge
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 105 | |
| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:57:01 PM | But, seriously, what do you think of an older man w/ lil kids????
My small contribution is:
Well I thought, in my infinite widsom, that I would postpone settling down too early. I waited until I found the 'right' girl, courted her, proposed and we married. I was 35 when our first child was born. Two years later a son!
Three years later she leaves for a 24year old boy/man (not bitter) some 13 years her junior.
I am now 48 with a 13 year old daughter and an 11 year old son.
Dating, IMHE, out of the question. Not many want a man of my tender years who is still looking after two young(ish) children.
Most women, like Bianca doll do 'run like hell'
Shame really, I just tell myself that it is their loss. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:25:39 PM | The problem is that sometimes, people have already gone through the whole child rearing time, which can be stressful and just don`t want to be tied down into that again.
I am famiy oriented so it wouldn`t bother me. But the biggest concern for ladies is problems of resentment by the children, which is more often than not. Kids trying to get their parent not to date or have a SO. I stayed single since 33 mainly because of protests and concerns for my children. I am 48 now, they are both married, and they still have issues with me having someone. They also tried breaking up their father`s relationships and wanted him to be alone, until I told them they were being selfish and to straighten up..
Both parents have to really work at being amicable and raising the kids well, so they will be accepting of parents moving on and able to accept new caring adults into their family. And basically, the kids have to be pretty cool and unselfish, which is the minority. I have tried dating men with children both young and adult, and most of the time, the kids will do everything to cause a break up. I have a big heart and am very open to being around kids, but it doesn`t mean a thing if the kids are going to make it impossible. Te first sign of trouble and I am out of there. Kids don`t like seeing their parents with a love interest for the most part, and you are usually up for some trouble. That is why people stay away from it. I have been treated horribly by dates kids, and for no good reason, and usually dad thinks its fine and I should tough it out. Then I`m gone. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:14:48 PM | | ^^^^ And if you stated to your kids that you never want to marry but enjoy dating, do you think they would object to that, too? | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:44:18 PM | I think that this is an odd question .... as I immediately thought : Does having young children detract from a great guy being a great guy ? ..... absolutely not.
Obviously bianca it's not for you and I hope you are kind about it as you "run like hell".
I have younger children too and appreciated hearing the contibutions from guys like Denhunter and Hodge. It's an eye opener to see that men are treated very much like 45+ women with younger children.
I have had people turn and walk away mid-sentence when they hear I have school-aged kids. Now I just laugh if anyone has anything to say about it, and secretly say "thanks" because it's worse to have someone lie, fall for them and have them drop the bomb that they can't get their heads around being involved with younger children ( been there, done that and it's painful ... but it's also why you should never involve you children as you get to know what someone else is all about!)
Good luck out there ... I think we're all going to need it!
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Hodge
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 109 | |
| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:03:13 AM | Maybe it is just my limited experience but it seems easier for single moms to find a new relationship than it does a single dad?
Would like to hear other single dads' perspective and experiences | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:04:57 AM | I think it depends on how you define "relationship".
Middle age parents are unique in that their activity levels are so much higher than potential mates in their age group. Most 45 to 55 y/o women I've met want to spend a couple hours with their grandchildren and send them home. Thats not an option with me.
My son wakes up and wants to know "where can we go?" and we're out the door like two tazmanian devils. It would be nice to find someone to join us but the chances are slim.
Everyone have a safe holiday weekend. It's almost time for me to go somewhere.
Keith | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:06:07 AM | | Alot of times I feel like people here assume all 45 yr old people are divorced with kids already..We all arent...My fiancee and myself have no kids and have never been married..So whats the big deal if a 45 yr old man has his first child?...Or a 45 yr old woman for that matter?...Many of us went to school and traveled and worked first ..We didnt all settle down and marry at age 20 only to get divorced later...I dont think my divorced or married counterpart with kids has any higher activity than me just cos she has a kid...In fact, I often think it slows them down and ages them...Why is it that I see all married women my age with kids sitting around the pool gossiping instead of jumping in and doing laps like me??..The only people around me doing that are men, retirees and single women without any kids | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/9/2008 11:21:05 AM | | Okay - I'm going to respond to this one just like your other thread about married women with children looking old, because I'm just as offended by this one. I had three children, am 126 pounds and swim a mile every morning. If you are so athletic, and so young, doing laps and all, why are you so heavy? I wonder what people are thinking when they see you? Perhaps the same generalizations you have toward them? This holier than thou attitude you have toward married women and mothers with children as if they are lazy and do nothing but gossip sounds like nothing but sour grapes. If you are going to parade yourself as someone who is so above this and so physically active, might want to put up some pictures showing this is actually the case. Sounds more like sour grapes than anything else to me. Perhaps add some laps to that swimming before you start attacking moms or married women. There are plenty of moms who are in great shape, look young and are interested in people that are also physically fit. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:03:02 PM | LOL! well....I'm glad I didn't adopt the attitude that you friend did (losing respect for the 60 yr old with a 3 yr old child) as my Father presented me with my last sibling when he was 62!!!
Logically however.....let's face it.....men do NOT give birth so for them to "become fathers"...that can happen any ole time....I've heard of 80 yr old men becoming fathers. For women however, conception, gestation, and delivery all become much more difficult after the age of 40. There's also signifigant increases of birth defects in children delivered of "older mothers". We are born with all the "eggs" we're ever going to have....and sperm are manufactured on demand.
Though I have no statistics to deliver on the subject, and I have noticed an increasing number of men in their 50's with very young children, I've kind of formulated my own reasoning as to why this is occurring so much. For what ever reasons men began marrying much younger women ( the men will state the obvious...because they could...LOL! and...nothing wrong with that), but I think they married younger women, perhaps thinking that those women WOULDN'T go through what most women do go through....which is that period in our lives when we start to wonder about who WE are....aside from Joe's wife....and Jack and Susie's Mother. So, the 45 yr old guy marries a 25 yr old girl....and he's one very happy dude.....UNTIL she hits 35, and starts to wonder....who the hell am I? LOL! So...now he's 55+, and his new EX wife has just enrolled in college, and no longer satisfied with being "just" a wife and mother. I think I've actually seen some pretty darned good "Dads" come from this group of men though.....so I'd seriously have to ponder how that could make anyone "loose respect" for them.
I wouldn't dare to speculate on the pro's or con's of such a situation....as I can see both, and think it's up to the individual case that determines on which outweighs which. Certainly, there are some negative aspects to being parents in our 20s too.
Perhaps the same generalizations you have toward them? This holier than thou attitude you have toward married women and mothers with children as if they are lazy and do nothing but gossip sounds like nothing but sour grapes. If you are going to parade yourself as someone who is so above this and so physically active, might want to put up some pictures showing this is actually the case. Sounds more like sour grapes than anything else to me. Perhaps add some laps to that swimming before you start attacking moms or married women. Thank You CMom!!! I had exactly the same observations myself!!! Perhaps those Moms had already finished their 100 laps BEFORE the single women bothered getting out of bed and devouring their box of Twinkies!!! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:35:23 PM | I have read about the complaints of women who feel difffrent about a older man having children late in life!
I must say everyone to their own about when and where to start a family!!!
I have come to realize that my career timing and retirement after having my boys later in life is of many benefits to me!
I get to go and participate with them at many of their school events - sports- jr rotc events and social events .
It was a delight this past weekend to recieve a call from my oldest son asking me if I was free to accompany him on a mutual outing ---we share together!
There is a place and time according to the good book that children brings happiness to a parent in their senior years- I'm glad I'm one --and that the excuse" I have to work" doesn't interferee!!
Life is to be enjoyed with our offspring!!!
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:38:43 PM | Quote ; "Would like to hear other single dads' perspective and experiences"
As a single father of two children from 2/3 yrs old I would like to say in my experience ...
from the Women's point of view...
They are getting a Provider , Financial Supporter , Caregiver .
from a Mans point of view ...
They are getting a Babysitter , sex partner , homemaker
Of course this is a generalization but unfortunately it is perceived as reality by most people. | |
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