| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:41:43 PM |
Being the female and having this happen would definitely make me feel creeped out since I have been through it.
So wonderful, you've had guys interested in you before and apparently they've been brave enough to tell you. Here I am thinking this is a good thing, but if you read this thread, it's heinous... or at the very least "creepy".
What you described just up there and what the OP described are night and day type different. And while yours may have just been the desperate type and gotten way ahead of himself.. that still doesn't necessarily scream creepy yet. Clueless, for sure.
What she encountered wasn't a red flag.. it wasn't even a pink flag. It was an attempt at showing interest which she dismissed as creepy. It was nothing of the kind.
What you encountered MAY HAVE been creepy, but we'll never know. The guy could've just been over-eager. It happens. They're just like us as far as nerves go, these men.
The OP over-reacted. Even if she described what transpired extremely accurately, he was nothing even approaching creepy.
Sorry if you felt I couldn't make up my mind.
I don't think that now. You cleared it up by mentioning YOUR experience. I think your experience has clouded how you feel/react to the OP's experience now. Her potential guy did nothing wrong or creepy. In fact, he did what most women claim they WANT a guy to do. Show interest. He wasn't over-stating or saying the types of things you described in your case.
FYI.. I do think PERHAPS, your guy you mentioned may have been creepy... don't misunderstand, but he could also have just been way too eager and harmless. Either one of us could be right in your case. I can see why the guy you described was off-putting.
The OP's guy.. I found his comments to be very obviously harmless. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:45:56 PM | | Well its one thing to tell someone that they were thinking of you if you've already been dating for a few weeks, and telling someone that you've only talked to online for a couple of days. There is nothing wrong with telling someone you were thinking about them when you're seeing them, probably makes the other person feel good. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/1/2008 1:29:48 PM | @El Mariachi: I completely agree with your post.
And women wonder why some men don't approach them? Because when they do, it's deemed "creepy," and when they don't you think he is playing you. Goodness. Whatever happened to just being able to like someone and tell them that?
And fwiw, creepy is in the eye of the beholder, or the mind as the case may be. If you think it's creepy then it's creepy, if you don't, then it's not. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:45:51 PM |
There is nothing wrong with telling someone you were thinking about them when you're seeing them, probably makes the other person feel good.
But apparently, if you've only talked to them a bit, but really enjoyed that.. you're not supposed to say a word about missing it or them because it's creepy?
That's a bit much. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:16:35 AM | El Mari - in rereading her posts, maybe he was just showing interest. I based my opinion on my experience with only a few - NOT all men. I have met some wonderful men on here that I enjoy chatting with, they showed great interest and I didn't feel red flags at all.
And it was creepy when it happened w/o ever even talking on the phone. It has gotten worse to where I am finding him in forums which he has stated no interest in until I quit responding to him. It is creepier since my last post.
I in no way think all guys who make contact or show some interest are creepy. Saying I missed chatting with you vs. I miss you is very different. And yes the op's guy could just be eager and harmless.
The guy showing me interest has resisted talking on the phone/meeting ect. His original emails went from an sweet interest to sexually explicit to "I love you" and "I miss you" four or five times when I didn't respond right away. With emocons like  ,  , one for a broken heart when I didn't reply immediately. And when we did chat, it became more and more wierd. When I mentioned that I wasn't into just an online relationship, wanted something real, he didn't email me for awhile. Then it started up again to the point of being shadowed in forums.
He hasn't made me fearful just creeped out. I regret sharing personal emails (another lesson learned) with him because he will email me there and here. So yes my experience has made me feel red flags when someone starts saying I miss you or I love you w/out time to even know me.
That is why I posted to him (op's guy) to maybe learn from forums, in case he was nice just overly eager. It sucks that these things happen. My reasons for saying red flag is he certianly seemed nice and pleasant initially. And there were little things that I could have paid attention to and thought I was overreacting and chose to ignore.
I take it all as a learning lesson, watch for red flags, but I am seeing (thankyou El Mar for your input) that I need to not go overboard on the caution thing either. I am still learning, obviously have alot to learn. And I definitely don't think all men fall under this catagory, that they should be afraid to show interest. I just don't get how anyone can say I miss you or I love you w/o ever even meeting someone? Again it's not the same as "I miss chatting last night or I love talking with you". | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 1:18:18 AM | He said "I miss you" not ,"I love you" , "have my babies" or "marry me". What's so creepy about someone saying they miss you. Have you stopped to consider that he has such enjoyable conversations with you that he really did miss chatting with you? Wow what a very sad world we live in when someone saying "I miss you" is a red flag. | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:26:44 AM | Wow I don't post in these threads much as I post mostly in political threads but this topic is a good one. This guy fell into the classic treat a woman "too" well "too" early and the guy is thrown under the bus and analyzed to death. I guarantee not only did this girl (OP) talk about this topic here but she ask all her girlfriends and they all picked him apart.
Women wonder why they don't get treated good. God forbid a guy shows some affection early and "tells you how he feels". Women say they want this but what women really want is MYSTERY, they want A PROCESS TO PLAY OUT, they like WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK, because if they know how you feel "too" early they lose interest. You now are boring and "too" predictable to them and by being so nice to the girl early you devalued yourself as being too easily attainable.
I've seen all too often how women get freaked out and over analyze things, (especially with their girlfriends). They will sit around and pick that guy apart to find something wrong with him. If the guy wasn't creepy by the time her and her girlfriends are done over analyzing him he will be creepy. Truth is if you show too much too early she has nothing to look forward to and the build up (chase,mystery, process) becomes derailed for her and she will back out every time. He showed his cards too early and too often and lost because it showed him seeming weak and too easily won over. She lost respect for him after this.
Try not giving that girl so much early attention and she will want you so much more. Women want what they can't have and if they feel they have to work longer and harder to win a guy over, its like they have won something of more value.This guy was guilty of one thing BEING TOO NICE TOO EARLY TOO OFTEN. He fell right into a nice guy thread.
SPOKEN FROM A FORMER NICE GUY THAT MAKES WOMEN EARN RESPECT NOW AND HAS LEARNED THAT WHAT THEY SAY THEY WANT ISN"T ALWAYS WHAT THEY REALLY WANT. | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:48:15 PM | | No, some of you really misunderstood. You're adding things into the situation that aren't even there. I cannot even tell you how unfair that is. No my friends and I did not disect the situation! Also, for all you know the person I'm talking about could be a complete lunatic and not a nice guy at all. Do not slam me for being cautious with someone whom I've never met before! That's just common sense to me. Some of you keep going back to the nice guy thing.. what makes you think you're such a nice guy? You criticize me without even knowing the entire situation. Maybe some of you should step back and think before you speak on these boards a bit more.. | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:38:37 PM | OP on a serious note, and a short one, yes I would be feeling cautious too. I know I am genuine but it takes a long time to figure out who else is and you cannot tell someone you "miss them" when you havent even seen then to "miss" !!!!!  | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:00:46 PM | Sweetone2654, I hope every decent respectable guy reads this entire thread and sees just how bad this guy got smeared. You want us all to believe that you posted this situation to get input and "analyze" it with a bunch of online strangers but you didn't get input from your girlfriends I'd like to see a poll of people who believe that
You are 23, need to mature more before you can handle a nice affectionate guy. It wasn't real mature to post such a ridiculous smear campaign that this turned out to be when you don't know the guy. It was irresponsible. That's the point of all this, you along with many women sabotage a good thing and over analyze it not giving a guy the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise..
Here's a strange concept, how about communicating to that guy and tell him you weren't comfortable with what he was doing instead of what you did. You showed immaturity and a lack of respect for the guy. I have a few girls that I'm friends with who would say the identical thing I'm typing, only they wouldn't be so nice. You say in your profile "where are the nice guys", truth is women acting like yourself scare them away.
I also have no problem telling you the truth and being up front with you as much as you may not like it. Ironically that guy would have appreciated that same treatment that you chose to not give him. I just hope you are mature enough to learn from what you did and admit you could have approached things better. Its ok to be cautious, but if a guy saying he misses you or talking to you is too much and too often, you might want to close your door and lock it to the dating world for awhile. Its a scary world out there.
A few extra points. Common sense, like after talking to the guy for awhile, never give out personal information until you have met and are comfortable with that person. Always meet in a public setting, and let a friend or two know where you will be just in case you are in an uncomfortable situation that you can call them. There you go, dating safety 101. | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:32:05 PM | | Look I have been married for 40 years and we still don't say I miss you - lol W3e do but it wasn't from the get go. You two have never met in person or even been on a date yet so ow in the world could he miss you. Is he pushing you into dating him or say things to you that you are uncomfortable with? Maybe he is just a lonely person. Have you seen a pic of him? If he doesn't have 3 eyeballs he might just be O.K. Keep talking to him and come right out and ask him that question "how the hell can you miss me when you don't really even know me" After 40 yeares I am still finding out stuff I never knew. | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:35:31 PM |
Maybe some of you should step back and think before you speak on these boards a bit more..
You asked for opinions, but then you complain when you get them.
It's not a red flag. He has emotions. He misses you. It's no big mystery. Quit being paranoid and be glad you found a guy who will tell you how he feels.
Doesn't missing someone require a substantial lack of their presence?
No, it doesn't. You can miss someone 10 minutes after talking to them or seeing them. Obviously, you aren't like this, but that doesn't mean this guy isn't. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:12:13 PM |
he says I'm just different from his other girlfriends
How does he know that? He barely knows you. Having a job and going to school does not rule out psychos. In fact, some are brilliant.
Some of the hallmarks of "Borderline Personality Disorder" (google it) are intense emotions, falling head over heels for you before they even know you well, which means they are falling for their own imagination. I believe that they seek out nuturers.
Women are not good at believing their gut instinct. It goes hand in hand with girls being trained to be "nice" and "sweet".
A BPD won't hurt you or rape you on a date, if that's what you're worried about. The danger is that they can be captivating. Very easy to fall in love with. However, if you read accounts from folks who have been involved with one, it becomes the most damaging relationship on earth.
Everyone on a dating site should make themselves familiar with the subtle signs of BPD and NPD. Good luck. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:35:32 PM | | Nash, you don't know the whole situation. Want to know how I know that? I already stated in my posts that I already told him that it made me uncomfortable for him to tell me that he misses me. I was upfront and communicative..maybe you should work on your reading comprehension. Not to mention people skills, eh? | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:55:05 PM | You know OP,
My last relationship lasted 6 months. I can remember when it started. I found her on a dating sight like this one. Anyway....after 5 days of writing I found that I really had to meet her. The I would look forward to her email and if I didn't get one I would miss her. It was the same with phone calls. I told her I missed her after just 5 days. She was such a fun person to talk to on the phone. Once I met her I felt I hit the jackpot. She was smart, pretty, LOTS of sex appeal. As the relationship went on we called and email every day. We saw each other every weekend and at least once during the week. Anyway, every time I told her I missed her she questioned it. After a while I realized why. First of all......she didn't understand why I wanted to spend time with her. That should have been the first signal.
The reason she couldn't understand why I missed her after just a few days of emailing her was because she had low self esteem.
When a guy tells a woman that he misses her......it means he likes her. He isn't needy and it isn't a sign of a personality disorder.
It just means that he was blown away by you and is excited about meeting you. My opinion is that you really haven't met any decent guys until this one and you just don't know how to handle it. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:59:35 PM | its a matter of semantics, cultures, experience and perception.
when in doubt, relax, wait, and see what happens next. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:18:54 PM | Sweetone earlier post
Also, to answer some of you I HAVE asked him what he means when he says that he misses me, and he simply says that he honestly genuinely does miss me...
Actually my reading is quite ok thanks. I didn't read in any of your previous posts where you actually told the guy "I think its creepy and a huge turn off", thats what you said to the online world instead. Then the guy gets to read it on an online forum instead. Thats being real upfront and communicating, TOO FUNNY. Why not have the nerve to say that to him since you so easily said it to complete strangers? To question my or anyone elses people skills after showing how lacking in this situation yours are is the real joke.
We were ask for input and are just trying to help you see it from a different perspective. Whether you learn from it and take what you will from it is up to you. Good luck with your situation
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:39:14 PM | | Nash, yours is not the only opinion on here. Others have posted drastically different opinions than yours that are much more credible. I'm sorry I responded to your post. I find it difficult not to respond to rudeness. | |
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| I want your opinion
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:19:02 AM | | I think it really depends on what you like. If you are the type of person that likes alot of attention and affection then this might be the guy for you. It sounds like he is more into you than you are him and that might be the turn off. If this guy really excited you then it might be a different story. | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:38:22 AM | Sweetone and anyone else on here -
I found the following threads that really might help alot of us on here to understand each other and not overreact. So far it is one of the best reads in relating to each other with online communication/dating ect. It atleast opens up the mind to different opinions. The one for women ("Online Dating Guide for Gals") is really good to read. And men, I suggest reading the one for you - it hits the nail on the head for alot of issues. I don't necessarily agree with it all, but alot of it is pretty right on. If the links don't work then it is well worth the effort to take time to do a search.
****************************************************************************
Hiya ladies, some of you may have read the Guide for Men). That was the one where there was some, oh, I dunno, general hints and advice on things, based on what I’d heard a few of you women complain about from this place. If you haven’t read 'em, and would like to check them out, they’re here...
Part One (where we discuss NOT sending pictures of your willy to women)
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1226186.aspx
Part Deux (pronounced ‘d’uh’ because so many of those guys are suuuuuch morons…ya know?)
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1254867.aspx
And of course, if you feel they’re on the ball, say so, as maybe with more of you agreeing, less of ‘em will insist on, well, thinking that sending pictures of their flesh-stick is the height of romance...
Anyway, that’s not what we’re here for today, is it? No. We’re here for the Guide for YOU. Now, first off, it’s a real pleasure writing this one, as in this case, I’m fairly sure most of you are literate, considerate and in possession of common sense. Unlike the, ahem, morons of my gender I directed the other guide to…
But you have your foibles too, and while they’re not quite as serious as sending pictures of your genitalia to strangers, there may be a few things here to take away and think about…let’s get to it, shall we? Some basic rules… | |
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| A few days datng - they say 'I miss you' is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:59:47 AM | It's only a red flag for those who think it's weird.
Some people would be creeped out by it, some would be flattered by it. You are obviously creeped out by it because you aren't affected emotionally by online and phone interactions.
You don't need to have met someone to feel like you miss them. He's not a player just because he tells you this. It could very well be genuine, and you can tell the attitude of a person by what they post on here. Many people every day get involved in long distance relationships, and while many of these don't work out, many do and go onto something wonderful. I have a friend who met his wife before the age of the internet and they were between Windsor and Montreal.
What you haven't even mentioned is what the two of you have talked about online and the phone. How long these conversations were, and how well they went for both parties. We're really only getting one side of the story, and as we all know:
"There are three sides to every story, hers, his and the truth".
Guess which one we've only heard.
The difference between being creeped out about this and being flattered that he's been thinking about you and/or misses you, is how much emotional investment you've put into this. It may also be affected by how much of this sort of attention you receive as well.
Would you rather be chatting with someone who seems cold and emotionless, and wouldn't care whether he was chatting with you or some other women on the internet. To that sort of person, you'd just be a number to pass the time and maybe use to get laid when the time came, and then take off looking for someone else.
So, chances are he's really interested in you (why the assumption he must automatically be a player), and he enjoys communicating with you. He feels good when he communicates with you. Think of someone you've been with (on a date, in a relationship, etc). Think about how wonderful you've felt being with that person. Then think about when you have to be apart from them. That would exactly be what he's feeling. Yes, it can happen without physical interaction. | |
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