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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:28:14 AM | I know that this post makes one think deeply and perhaps have to really pinpoint transformation from pivotal points in one's life... but this posting is like poetry, it flows and every so often the lines that reveal themselves are like following a river that narrows to streams to tributaries, that join from hairline streams around rocks, an old boot, a broken racquet to a lost silver earing... then back to the central stream that widens and becomes part of the whole...
We meet people and significant others, they stay they leave they return... we change, we grow, we rejoin others with all these different shades and depths that have been shaped from within and outside... | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:48:07 AM | My breakup got me back into the gym with a trainer and I have lost a great deal of weight both physically and emotionally.
I think this time around I'm happy just living life as it is, no rush to get into anything and if someone does come into my life, they will have to realize that it is going to take a while before I get myself really involved. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 7/19/2008 7:48:25 PM |
Ordinarily my change is mental or emtional while when I split with my x-husband, I literally had a gray spot in my hair about the size of a pencil eraser, that had sort of appeared overnight it seemed five years before and within a year of his leaving, it is now just a couple of strands
I get that completely.....or, at least, I used to get it. Anymore, I'm the same girl I was at 12 yrs old .....trusting and expecting the best of people. I'm that way, as is my brother, as were my mother and father, so I naturally assume other people are just as decent. The few I've encountered who aren't, I assume are an anomaly. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:31:19 PM | dear sphinx fire
on whether love or break up..and..and which transformed you the most
If you were morphed from the deepest or most significant transformation which one left you the wiser?
All of life experiences plus time have made me wiser....(or, hopefully, I would like to believe that is the case. )  Amongst the degrees between falling in love..and breaking up, there is so much of life to measure. Childhood, travels, marriage, having children, watching them grow, work, occupation, living, seeing, believing....all is experience...experience plus paying attention makes one wiser, i believe.
What leaves the deepest scars - profound break-up heartache from unrequited love, or cruelty, and/or cold indifference from ex-lovers?
unrequited love is a cutting that we do to ourselves, only we can control the depth of the cut..... indifference/cruelty from anyone...including ex lovers toward us, is beyond our control , although we can still control how deeply we allow the cut. All things heal.... some prefer to pick at the scab longer than others.
Did you see an ex. after a period apart, of no contact and take stock of their transformation to discover from them or those qualified to advise you that your ex. was transformed by your breakup with them?
This curiosity serves no right purpose...there is no discovery there for me. For anyone. Everyone is on their own journey. I will at times pray for the safety and good health of my ex...(wife,} in this case...for she is the mother of my dear sons, and I honor the love we once had... But, it is not my business about how she conducts her life, or transformations. this applies to all X loves in life.
Do you welcome love again into your life, and hope it is exciting, or would you prefer it to be a calmer journey?
I do. Yes, more than exciting, actually. And..calm is good. but not a prerequisite.
good questions...thanks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kimbo ```````````````````````````` | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:55:54 PM | | I was dumped Sept 07. I had no great feeling for her but it changed me greatly. I liked her and we had a lot of good times, but I became a different person when we had THE TALK. It made me a better (stronger) person. Since then, I have met the most wonderful people. I owe her much thanks.... | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 4:06:25 PM |
We meet people and significant others, they stay they leave they return... we change, we grow, we rejoin others with all these different shades and depths that have been shaped from within and outside...
Nicely said as it is to me like the seasons;
from Spring it starts, and Summer is grows,
Autumn is wanes,
and Winter it dies in life, but not in hope,
as it will return come Spring,
the circle is complete and whole once more
and love for life is in the air. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 4:10:07 PM | i've learned something from every relationship i ever had. how do i know? because the thought of taking any one of them back is preposterous (even though i bear no grudges), and i'm not the same person now as i was then. ta-da!!
as a matter of fact, most of my relationships have come to an end because there was nowhere else for it to "go". most people are completely satisfied with the status quo, whereas i can't even relate to the person i was 20 years ago.
i love paradigm shifts!! | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 4:52:20 PM | How were you transformed? was it a physical change, a mental change or an emotional one.
Mostly emotional and mental.
If you were morphed from the deepest or most significant transformation which one left you the wiser?
I think any wisdom gained is up to me, whether I can learn from what happened, how it happened, and why it ended.
Do you feel jaded by your memories? Would you go through it again if the situation presented itself or are you searching for yourself and trying to find who you were before, because it was a more joyous time?
I have felt jaded, cynical, distrustful at times, but I cannot waste time thinking about "would I go through it again if the situation presented itself". You can never be the same. After time goes by I tend to be sentimental and romanticize the reality, or see it for what it was... just not right. I have reconnected with ex's after many years apart. They were different, I was different, and unfortunately it didn't work out and there was pain involved. I'm sure their evaluation and outlook on the experience would be different than mine.
What leaves the deepest scars - profound break-up heartache from unrequited love, or cruelty, and/or cold indifference from ex-lovers?
Cruelty and/or cold indifference leave much deeper scars on me than unrequited love that is dealt with in a kind and loving manner.
Are you in love and finding yourself changing and developing such that you are self-aware and can feel it inside yourself and finding it magical as it happens to you?
Am I in love? Too soon to tell... ;) I'm learning to be very careful about that "in love" feeling... it always feels magical.
Do you welcome love again into your life, and hope it is exciting, or would you prefer it to be a calmer journey?
Yes, I would welcome love again into my life. I need an element of excitement but I don't trust that anymore as an indicator of love. A calmer journey may be the way to real longevity.
I'm looking for to go on a roller coaster ride with my next love. If we strap ourselves in don't do anything stupid, we can have an amazing ride.
No more roller coasters for me I hope! (crossing fingers, throwing salt over shoulder, what else can one do?) lol | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:20:39 PM | I was transformed by break-up. After two long term relationships back to back with very controlling men, I took a vow of celibacy for a couple of years to work on myself so I'd never be so dependent as to ever get myself in those kinds of situations again.
I had never really been single before so it was a real awareness lesson for me. I also didn't really realize to what extend my boyfriends were hindering me from having a better career. They were always trying to deter me to "protect" me. They weren't protecting me, they were keeping me caged.
I worked so hard on myself and to understand things that I find it hard to date now. Not many people have spent so much time just working on their self-awareness and just completely avoiding relationships. I find most of the guys I date now very unaware and it's difficult for both of us.
A big part of the successes I've achieved have to do with I had something to prove to myself because of how they treated me so in the end, I guess they did me a favor. I became a stronger, highly aware, more competent, and successful woman because they treated me like a daft idiot who couldn't tie my own shoes without their assistance. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:01:24 PM | | It was both for me, the love I found help bring out my shell so that I saw just how much I had to offer a women. The break up brought me to the cruel realization that most women really don’t know what it is that they want from a man and you can try as hard as you like but, human nature prevents us all from ever being truly satisfied. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:06:32 PM | | I learned, through my marriage, and the ultimate dissolution of it, that I don't *require* a relationship in my life in order to feel complete. That was a huge "aha" moment for me......... | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:32:36 PM | | Every experience in life, positive, negative, even those that seem inconsequential when they occur changes a person. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:45:26 PM | | I've been transformed by experiences of love and of loss. Today I live in the now. It's the only sure thing I've got, and I'm thankful for every moment of it. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 7:24:38 PM | | I have been transformed by being single for the past 10 years. U learn to love your self and be happy being alone with yourself. U depend only on yourself. Since I got divorced that is what did it for me. I also have to give credit to the 2 men I was totally in love with. Not being with them also forced me to change. It was a change for the better. Only u can transform yourself. It is ok to be alone and I'm totally fine with it. If I could change anything I wouldn't because it all made me the strong person I am today. I am not broken inside and do not need to be fixed. My heart is whole and ready to love again. I am ready to welcome love into my life again, it's just I don't let very many people in. The ones I let in seem to be the ones I should of shut the door in their face because they were not worthy of my love. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:32:06 PM | How were you transformed? was it a physical change, a mental change or an emotional one.
Not sure if I would have used the word “transformed” myself but I think you wanted to know how one changed due to a love relationship or a separation (breakup) from one that you loved.
Having been involved to a person who is incapable to love or be loved this question really might not apply to me. But living with someone who suffers from a personality disorder does in fact “transforms” one during and after the dysfunctional relationship. Of course there are both positive and negative aspects of this spectrum. Whenever one lives with someone under the illusion that this person loved you only to learn later they are incapable of this emotion not only to love but bond with not only you but their own children as well this would and does have a deep impact on one’s life. The positive aspect would be that I learned to understand and grow personally from this experience which is leading me in a direction I never knew I would go. Giving me the courage to learn to help others caught in a “loveless” relationship and helping them to over come the pain and hurt associated with any type of dysfunctional relationship. Giving me the desirer to return to school and start a new career I would never had dreamed of years ago. In fact there is so much positive aspect from this experience and this type of relationship there isn’t really time or room to list them all...
But there is a negative aspect as well...
But only one...
I and my children have learned matured and grow from this experience but the one we loved won’t not because she can’t no... She just doesn’t see any of it as “a problem”. I still hold out hope that maybe just maybe someday she will see how her life has turned out and then go for help and counseling but I just hope she won’t wait too long if she ever does. For you see the longer we wait the harder it gets for us to learn and heal. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/25/2008 12:19:03 PM | It might sound like a cliche to some people "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but in all honesty, love or break-up put one's limits to their test.
Love just like break-up involves head & heart and to get head thinking straight and heart beating in rythm again, one really needs time to take stock ~ reflect ~ heal ... and eventually bounce back into reality. Hopefully, with head holding high up and with a broad smile on face.
Transformation? Surely, some mental scars faded away and those scars that still lurk deep inside have made us stronger, more balanced and with clearer vision.
Some turn into cynical people but deep down dream and wish what is so pure and simple and natural to a healthy human being => love and to be loved again | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/25/2008 1:32:19 PM | I imagine some men and women have been more traumatized than others with relationships.
My x was a Psycho B% * & c h from Hell from the day we separated until 1.5 yrs later after my restraining order expired. Since we have been great friends...
That does not mean that it hasnt changed me. It has. Ill never look at long term relationships the same way after 10 yrs with her.
"The closer you are to an individual the more capacity they have to hurt you".
"To the degree that you love can and will be the degree you hate".
Imagine immense thirst needing to be quenched and salt water offered for consumption.
Many good things have resulted from my divorce too. Many things... I think growing and maturing necessarily results from painful breakups.
ER | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/25/2008 2:33:39 PM | It was truly awful- I had to switch to manual for a while...
But seriously, after an awfully long time, I learnt the truth about love. Love is something you carry inside. The O.P. is merely the key to you being able to start that love flowing again. If the key fits, you will start to love, you won't be able to help yourself. thats why a breakup from a truly loving relationship hurts soo much. Because in effect, you are hurting yourself from not being able to emit love from the very deepest core of you. And once you start to underatand the force of love, you can tell when its about, and when it isn't, even if you are very fond of someone. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/25/2008 3:34:20 PM | I liked answer # 33 very much.
I was transformed very much so by my last long term relationship. I became a much less self centered person, and loved my SO more than I ever knew was possible. I take that experience and knowledge with me now as I moved forward onto the next chapters of my life.
I guess I can think of that as my silver lining.
My black cloud is the devastation I went through after the relationship ended. Even though I was the one that ended it. I honestly feared for the longest time that I would never be the same. That I was permanently broken.
I've come to realize that I will be able to love as intensely as I did before, and with time, maybe more. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/25/2008 8:24:10 PM | Nice of you OP to ask such shallow and simple questions on a holiday week. Jeez....
And I was feeling so happy and content too.
What leaves the deepest scars - profound break-up heartache from unrequited love, or cruelty, and/or cold indifference from ex-lovers?
Until recently, the one solitary man that I had loved, I caused the "break up" or "break down" of that relationship. For it's own very personal reasons it took us, together and apart nearly 8 years to end it, and actually? As last Saturday was our 8th year anniversary of the catastrophic night...I cannot in reality say we have final closure as yet... but I think we're getting closer to it than ever before, perhaps...
That "event" as I will refer to it. Was deeply scarring for me, because I caused it. I was the impetus. I acted out in rage over an untruth I was told, and believed (wrongly) and I did something ...most men would find unforgiveable and traiterous. The break up that followed was...devastating in it's enormity to us both, as well as another innocent party...
Huge lessons there. Huge pain, huge loss, and the cold indifference became so shocking after the warmth of the joy, then the hot pain of the rage and the years of coldness.....wow. Harsh stuff mentally and emotionally to deal with and grow up through.
Are you in love and finding yourself changing and developing such that you are self-aware and can feel it inside yourself and finding it magical as it happens to you?
I recently experienced a feeling very similiar to the love I experienced with that man, with a man I met on POF. The emotions and the magic and all those incredible, magical feelings were all happening to me, and inside of me again and I felt so much joy and so much hope...and I was...grateful, truly grateful that after what happened years before I could FEEL that love again with someone else...
Right up until he disappeared, entirely without another word to me. Five weeks ago.
Do you welcome love again into your life, and hope it is exciting, or would you prefer it to be a calmer journey?
I didn't really ever expect that anyone would ever come close to the love I had with Brian, the first man I loved, until this more recent man, Brett....made me feel those things, and made me drop all my walls and made me believe in all of it.
Now?
Well, now I'm assured that there are men in the world who can make the magic FEEL alive inside of me again, they may be few and far between but they do exist...charming Irish men that they are....
However....will I again trust one to make it real and make it last and be 100% honest?
I have to admit I'll keep one foot on the floor at all times.
No more sweeping me off my feet.
I love roller coasters, but when it comes to relationships? I want a long slow boat ride on a still pond.
I'll take all my risks sailing, shimmying a mast, and hanging off the bow by my fingertips...
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 11/26/2008 3:30:58 AM | | Love itself is a form of “transformation” or that which brings one to a more spiritual and emotional state then any other type of emotion in us. Love is a part of who we are and also what we are capable of. It is love itself that represents parts of a whole. What I mean is that love is past present and future all wrapped up in all of us which is what allows us the ability to love and be loved. If one doesn’t understand love and accept our personal love for ourselves and others then how can one love another? Love always starts with you are an individual but it also ends with you. A child is born unknowing of love but is taught the art of love thru it’s caretaker. It started with the caretaker (past) then given to Child (present) and then returns to both caretaker and child (future) in time. That which started with one begets two but can be then three four etc. Love itself is enduringly and if it’s pure love it’s forever in a state of expansion and growth. How can anyone who has pure love not be transformed or in some way brought to a higher level of consciousness? | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 2/5/2009 4:22:52 AM | Great post. After the break-up of a 5 year relationship over 12 months ago, I have bought a house, not in great relationships with old friends, have had arguements within my family and some old friends are no longer, and some the friendship has deepened as the good ones stood up for me.
And I have gone back to school, as I hated the job I had.
Though a painful experience all in all, its been very defining and have new people in my life, including the sphinx-fire and am grateful for all of the changes. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:38:44 AM | When I was in love, I tried to change to be better to her. I realised she wasn't getting the best I had to offer. She broke my heart eventually, I mean we did the full 180 from love to can't be in the same room with her in about a week. Eventually I realised I kinda had to move on with my life and I'm probably better off single. When I was with her, I changed to try and make myself better for her, now I'm single, I'm tryin to make myself better for me.
I got a lot I need to do and not enough time to do it in, without her a lot of stuff I was happy with the status of really didn't seem so great.
Neither changed me more than the other, but they both changed me in different ways. Both good experiences. | |
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| Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 2/5/2009 6:05:24 AM | I initially went through a low self-esteem phase, went through counseling and forced myself to go through self-help books to look within. Until I could answer ALL questions with 100% from cover to cover, I wasn't ready to date. That took me about 4 years. Through it all, I am better for it, more confident, know what I want. No harm done.
However, now when a guy won't take me out - even to Denny's - C-YA - BU-BYE - GET OUTTA HERE!! If I don't like them by phone call #2, they are gone!!! Now, I have more confidence and low tolerance for men who I think are looking for a booty call, a slut, whore, tramp, sex only...NO THANK YOU!!! I deserve better than that!!! Maybe years ago, I would have succumbed thinking sex means love me, but for the past 6 years, I have been well past that point! Is it possible my expectations are high? Not really - I want someone with morals, values, standards to live by, someone that can communicate with honesty, someone willing to be friends, not ashamed of going out in public with me. They can't be drug addicts or alcoholics - social drinking is fine - too much is not good. It's not that I am picky or too difficult.
It's simple - my past has made me what I am today - an independent person, an educated person that refuses to settle less. I am comfortable in my own skin, have no problem spending time by myself so I don't have to settle - I can hold out until the right person comes along. My bills will still be paid, life will continue on as it is meant to. In order to reach this point, I had to be impacted by yesterday's events. Did yesterday destroy me as a person? No...it made me less needy, more at peace and it has helped me not become that piece of Velcro on a guy's arm he has to peel off!!  | |
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