| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:52:00 AM | "I've been seeing a guy, who is a completely overly confident (cocky in other words) womanizer, for two months and a half now. First it started off as a friends with benefits and then my feelings intensified for him."
This was your first mistake. I actually think you need to work on you and not him. I think you have some kind of issue to be worked out considering that you got involved with a cheap person for sex.
Otherwise it's a pretty cliche example of woman trying to change a man. You know what you were getting in to. Got to take responsibility for that. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:10:32 AM |
Yes, I want to just forget about my feelings for now. Forget about some of it and enjoy the ride.
But taking it slow....means.... it can lead to a potential relationship????
I jsut hate how it's up to him to determine what it is.
Really? Welcome to our world. Usually for us guys, it's up to her to decide if she wants to be with us. Do you hate that it's up to him, or that you can't dictate how this relationship should proceed. I'm sure a lot of women like that form of control.
Speaking of control. Playing games is not the best way to get what you want. Don't bother trying to play hard to get, just be straight and to the point, but avoid any pressure on him to try to formalize your relationship status. What does a bf/gf relationship give you and him that your current relationship (and it does seem like one), doesn't give you? Possibly a commitment and a promise to be exclusive/monogamous. If those are the things you want, you'll want him to want those as well.
Unless you've misrepresented the details of your arrangement and the things he's done, it seems that he would be interested in the type of relationship you're looking for.
When you approach him on this subject, do not try to "change" what you're doing. Instead, talk to him about what you like what the two of you have together and that it seems that it's like a normal relationship, without the label of bf/gf. Assure him that you are happy with what you have, and you don't expect a commitment (unless he wants it himself).
Unless he pushes the conversation on the subject, don't say anymore. You want him to be aware how you feel, you just don't want to pressure him into a commitment.
For all we really know, he may be the one looking for a real relationship, and may think you're the one who only wants the Friends with Benefits. Us guys aren't generally known for being empathic and knowing what you women are thinking. Some of us need to be "hit over the head" with something before it really sinks in.
I met someone recently that later said it was obvious that she was attracted to me. To be honest, while we did get along well, I was unaware of the indications that she was actually attracted to me in that way. Only after reflecting on it did I realize what I was completly oblivious to. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:56:53 AM | | Well, I think that alot, most men will use their definition of whatever they have with you to determine how much they do with you and how much they don't do/do with others. If they friend-zone you with or without benefits, that gives them the excuse to have other fwb, not date you for real. As someone said, the guy may have other fwb, or he may acquire others. Why? Because he can. He's not even dating anyone, right??? I've been burned by guys who will take as much of everything I will give them (time, gifts, emotional support, anything), want to spend time with me when they want to, but I'm their "friend" not their "date" so then they can go "date" others when they feel like doing it and I'm not supposed to say anything about it because I'm their "friend"? Well, I developed better boundaries on what my male "friends" and friends can do and I learned the word "No". Yes, I gave up some things, but at least I'm not being used like that. So yes, as for the OP situation, if I didn't want to get used emotionally, I would at least clarify where he's coming from emotionally. Then you can decide if you are willing to accept that or not. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/20/2008 8:08:26 AM | | go for it!! u av nothing to lose. sounds to me like he feels the same and is jus afraid of u rejecting him. he doesnt want to lose what ye av. if u dnt say nthn it will killl u and ul b plagued by wat ifs so jus go for it!! trust me it wnt back fire. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:41:34 AM | Wow. I am in a similar situation. It's been almost 2 years now !!
We pledge to be friends forever, we both pretend to date other people, nothing ever happens. Guys get scared off by my male friend, girls can't handle that he hangs out with me. We have tried SEVERAL times to stop sleeping together. I know he sleeps with other girls, he tells me about it. he assumes I'm doing the same, but I don't outside the context of a relationship. I try very hard to keep it to a min. We are very intimate, cuddle a lot, can even sleep in the same bed without having sex. But it does still happen...
We have talked about this, A Lot. I know him very well, I don't think he is capable of being monogamous. I wouldn't have a serious relationship with him because I know he is a cheater. Someday he may meet someone and give it a shot at being REAL. Until then, I enjoy the time I spend with him. Yes, I love him. But tying him down would kill it. He wouldn't be happy with me, he would always be looking for someone "hotter".
What makes this worse is that I am "part of his family", and I adore them as well. They tell both of us all the time that they wish we would fall in love...
Am I being used? Maybe. It did develop into a best friend situation. I'm not sitting around hoping he will change his mind. I'm open to meeting someone else, and I hope that he is too. Whatever happens, I'll deal with it. And I will be happy for him. And I hope he will be happy for me. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:53:19 PM | Read some of the other forums on FWB. It is probably a low percentage, but it has worked for some people. You will find on the other threads, that like this one, there are a lot of people who confuse FB with FRIENDS with benefits, and there is a difference. That said, your situation does not sound like a normal friends with benefits, there is much more to it, and is definitely not FB. Anyone who has been in a bad relationship can be "gun shy". Pushing for more too fast may take him right back to remembering the bad things about a former relationship. Since you really feel for the guy, and it's not like you don't have a lot of time ahead of you, patience may get you exactly what you want. As for the Ann Landers advice, she was famous for asking you to ask yourself "Are you better off with him, or without him?" Only you can decide that.
As for the OLD cliche, which should have gone out shortly after the Model T, Why buy the cow if the milk is free, any woman knows you don't have to buy the whole pig to get a little sausage, either. that said, there are plenty of men who will 'buy the cow to make sure no one else is milking it!" | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:55:59 AM | I am puzzled.
I know I am...and HE is entitled to some time without me but that doesn't give him the excuse to LIE.
Yesterday around 5, he texted me and asked me what I was doing. I responded with a, "I probably going downtown with some old friends"
He replied, "Cool, I'm going to hang out with my brother."
I hung out with him the day before, had wicked crazy sex with him so it was ok that he didn't invite me or anything to see each other. That was totally fine.
UNTIL.
A mutual friend between us texted me and asked, "Are you going out tonight"
me: "Um yes, where you going to be"
Her: "Oh I'll be at A's house. (A is him) Aren't you coming?"
(Me..shocked)
me: Oh, he's having people over?
her: Yeah, his mom's not home for the night
me: Oh..nope, he didn't invite me.
her: You should ask him.
Me: Nope, I won't be able to make it back to town on time anyway.
Which was a lie...I was GOING to go downtown but decided against it.
I mean, why did he have to LIE that he was hanging out with his brother..... it stings.
If my heart is in this situation right now from him lying to me, then I have to wonder what it's going to be like if he leaves. I have to start detatching myself.
So question for you guys,
Should I confront him about it? I feel like it's not fair to be angry since he can still do his own thing wiht his friends... and we're not 'out'.
On friday, he told me he liked me alot. and also that he hasn't seen or had sex wiht anyone since hes been with me. Which can be a lie, but i doubt it.
What should I do! | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:31:16 PM |
On friday, he told me he liked me alot. and also that he hasn't seen or had sex wiht anyone since hes been with me. Which can be a lie, but i doubt it.
Whether or not he has to lie, he will just out of caution. He does need you to get upset, so whether or not he cares, he's just keeping his bases covered.
He doesn't want to lose an easy lay so he tells you what you want to hear as much as possible...
I'd bet that you're not his only FWB. There is no real reason to have a FWB except that it leaves your options open to have other FWB's at the same time. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:43:52 PM | Maybe he does have more htan one fck buddy, maybe he doesn't.
All that I know is that according to his friends, I'm the longest "fwb" and the most he's hung out with.
I don't know what to think anymore.
This business has turned me insane.
He hasn't texted me the whole day and last night too. Especially after that "Lets not mention my plans to her" biz, I can't help but be paranoid.
I hate this.
I need to talk to him soon. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:49:10 PM | | Oh darling, I don't know what to say to you. But honestly bolt! from reading all your posts, especially after the brother thing WHATEVER!! I just went through crap recently and I'm 33, and I was writing about all the crazy relationships that I have been in in a journal that I keep ,and the key for us is to stay busy busy busy, you cannot let the commitee in your head take over. Get Busy and ditch him. I know it sounds harsh and I know this is what you don't want to hear, but there is someone out there that is better and their gonna give you what you need. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:59:01 PM | I can't help but be paranoid.
it stings.
you are hurting and it's driving you crazy.
I have to start detatching myself.
You will start to detach when you stop sleeping with him.
Been there, done that. It's not worth the emotional pain for you. For him, this is fun. he is getting his needs met, what about yours?
Forget about the big talk, he likely wont be listening. If he cared about you, he would try to make you happy, don't you think?
how about this: tell him you are getting to attached and therefore you need to take a break form sexual encounters. If he cares about you, he would still hang out with you. If not, you are better off taking a break sooner then later. that's right, the sooner you know the better for you. The longer you let it go, the more used you'll likely feel. And the more attached you will be. If he keeps pushing you for sex and doesn't respect your position, again, you know how much he cares about you.
Actions are more important then words!
Reread your posts, they are from a funny, smart and beautiful young woman and you say it all yourself in these posts.
All the best. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:29:01 PM |
Maybe he does have more htan one fck buddy, maybe he doesn't.
All that I know is that according to his friends, I'm the longest "fwb" and the most he's hung out with.
Sounds magical.
Again, if you think you are the only one, well I think you are being naive. Again, this foundation is not one of dedication, trust, and respect. Its out of sex. You can't make diamonds out of old damaged wood. What comes around goes around. I think you are learning the hard way, FWB is a painful thing and is very unhealthy. Sex isn't a toy.
And he's like most FWB. He's going to tell you anything and everything you want to hear. Be careful. You thought you had things figured out, and now its getting much more complicated.
FWB is a shallow and self absorbed world. Getting off isn't a relationship. Character, honesty and hard work are. You need to mature and grow up and get your head on straight. You have a lot to learn. good luck. I'm done with this thread. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/24/2008 10:57:56 AM | Or OPie it could be that you are totally overthinking all of this. Maybe he didn't think he was lying to you. He was hanging out w/his bro...and one of them ended up talking to another friend and said hey come over and hang with us...which led to a few more coming over. Sitting around and "hangin" is not exactly a big deal to everyone. You had plans, so why would he have invited you?
If he is part of your circle of friends, I'm *sure* he knew you'd hear he had friends over. If he was planning something nefarious, don't you think he'd have tried to keep it a secret "Shhhhh...everyone, i don't want OPie to know I have friends over right now, no one tell her".
Perhaps, just perhaps, you are overreacting b/c of the insecurity youa re getting from talking to folks at POF.
Relax. I bet by now you've talked ot him and he already talked about hanging out w/his bro and some friends that were there...and it probably never crossed his mind that you would get all jealous because he was with his friends and not with you while you were downtown.
I've gotten all insecure over stupid stuff...btdt. And somehow it almost always works out that I overreacted because of MY issues, not his.
Kaylie | |
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Cazimi
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Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 65 | |
| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:27:43 AM | The concept of FWB and FB is beyond me.
sounds mechanical.
Is there respect in this sort of relationship?
If it's so easy to have sex with your "friend" what's to stop you from doing it with just anyone who is available ?
To each his own . | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:31:02 AM |
If it's so easy to have sex with your "friend" what's to stop you from doing it with just anyone who is available ?
That is the whole purpose of havong an FWB. To be able to go and screw whoever you want while keeping a steady sex partner on the side (or on her back). | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/24/2008 12:20:56 PM | Sounds like his recent behavior might make it easier for you to detach yourself. Just don't beat up on yourself too much! There's nothing wrong with honest pleasure between consenting adults -- it can be very healing and nurturing even without commitment. But you do have to manage your emotions. Use your HEAD and your heart. Easier said than done. Just because a guy is gorgeous and you have great sex, doesn't mean he's relationship material or that he doesn't have serious character flaws (as you are finding out).
My guess is that he is as surprised and confused by your emotional connection as you are. Neither one of you were expecting that to happen. His lie may be one way of distancing himself from those feelings. Don't take it personally. He's probably done this to other women as well.
Meanwhile go ahead and work on your own intimacy issues. You're young and you've got lots of time. But don't make the mistake of blaming the guy in this situation. Take responsibility for your behavior and make a conscious choice about how you want to handle this relationship and future ones. I disagree with other posters. There's nothing inherently WRONG with FWB, but you have to go in with your eyes wide open and know the risks. Even if it ends you have some great memories and great pleasure to remember. I personally think too many women sacrifice their own pleasure to get a committed relationship. But that's just me. Your mileage may vary. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:45:43 PM | | Of course your his best friend, your putting out. Stop the booty calls and see what happens. FWB is strictly that, no expectations. It is very difficult for someone to carry on with this type of relationship if they are not emotionally prepared. I've had a FWB for almost 2 years now and if one or the other meets someone we step back. We are very close friends and continue to talk all the time we just stop out weekly meetings. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/26/2008 12:16:48 AM | OP Your get'n a lot of advise... But the last thing you want to do is stop put'n out .. In your opening statement you said he's a "Womanizer" So we all know if you stop give'n it to him he'll have someone one meet'n with im to give him some as soon as he walks out your door.. TRUST ME I KNOW ! As Beyonce says " I can find another you in a minute as a matter of fact SHE'LL be here in a minute"... You guys chill together all the time, you text each other all the time, you party together, you work together.. Oh and your Fuc'n.. What more do you want ?? Sounds like your just searching for a title.. Trust me a guy like that, the last thing he wants to feel is the feeling of being "trapped" let him have options.. If you feel that you really need to say somthing say something along the lines of this ( and for Pete's sake make sure your both sober ) " Hey Bob I really enjoy our friendship that we have. I just want you to know that if you ever want to date or be a couple I'm cool with that as well. So if you're ever look'n for a G/F make sure you consider me as option." If you do it like that your put'n the ball in his court. He knows that you value his friendship he also knows that your down with take'n it to the next level, but at HIS CONVIENCE... Yeah your give'n him the upper hand and I know how much women hate doing that. What you have to remember though is the kind of guy your dealing with. Let me share a song with you " Been around the world" Mase and Puff Daddy. First line of the song goes like this... "Now trip what ? Mase Who ? That aint what Mase do. I gotta lot of girls that would love to replace you."
Best of luck OP your playing with fire but hey women have been that way since day one ( Eve ) why change now ?? LOL | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:38:03 AM |
I think you two will get married and hes in love with you.
LOL
omg thrown asunder; I can't stop laughing sorry; 
It just amazes me the things post about. There is no doubt why the future isn't that bright when people such bad decisions. wow | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:38:17 AM | | Men know what they want from the beginning. Rarely do they change. ESPECIALLY, with a bad boy. If you are starting to have feelings for him? WALK AWAY. More damage will be done if you stick around and hope that he will change. You are in control of this situation. You have to be. Besides, men really like women who are confident and self respecting... Always take a FB or FWB situation for what it is..... Sex. Nothing more. | |
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