| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:42:13 AM | The thing with past lovers in my personal life is that they were all close friends at one point -- I'm the type that always makes friends first, before deeper intimacy. And after the break-up of the intimate part of the relationship, the close friends part of the relationship is still very much intact -- at least with me, anyway. It's not always the case with the women I've known, but I always keep my hand of friendship out there. I suppose it's mostly that when I see the end of an intimate relationship with someone I'm with, I usually try to approach ending it with some degree of sensibility, discussion and open communication. I really can't remember breaking up with anyone in anger -- at least, not since my teens. And thus, friendships that have already formed are much easier for me to keep.
This is just my way, and I know this. It doesn't work for everyone, and I know this too.
cdn guy | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:33:44 AM | well wildflower there is no 100% answer on that one. however if i was a betting man i would bet that "complications" are more likely than not. but what of it? i mean if you like each other and are comfortable with the sex and the other aspects the biggest loss is that you might not be availible for the person who would be a good lifetime match. but hey no risk no gain.  | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:03:49 PM |
So, yes, I DO believe lovers can become - and remain - friends!
But, she said live together, and still have sexual feelings..but tamp them down. I think that part of it is sick..if you are friends, and you like each other sexually and like each other enough to live together...why do you need others? It makes no sense to me.
..just my not so humble opinion. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:22:07 PM | Do you think it is possible for a mature man and a woman who were in a romantic relationship at one time , to become good platonic friends, if both are in agreement that this is something they both want? Is it possible for the two people to cohabitate part time and become real buddies without the physical part, even though the physical part was great and both people are unattached, or would it get messy? but are both parties planning on staying unattached?
Has anyone had an experience like this, where neither really want to be traditional girlfriend and boyfriend because of outside factors, but really wish to keep in touch with the person and have them , their friendship , and spend time together as friends. Does this work,especially if there is still a very very strong attraction [u]on both sides,[/u] or is this just asking for a problem?
I got the both part about wanting to do this.
But does both partied plan on staying unattached to someone else?
You asked about the strong sexual feelings on both sides. I'm curious if it is only on one side. Meaning one side wants to renew or reconcile the relationship. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:57:00 PM | To respond directly to your opening post, Ms. Desert Wildflower -- my first post on here was mostly a response to the thread title -- my last serious relationship ended up much like you describe. We were (living) together about 5 years, the last 2 as platonic friends. At first, we were very close, very intimate, but made a mutual decision a few years (and a few dozen 'fights') later, that a "Forever Relationship" was not in the cards for us. Both our personal lives at the time of us dissolving the 'intimate' part of the relationship were such that staying living together in the same place as just 'close friends' would work out best for both of us -- if we could 'pull it off', of course. We shared a two-bedroom apartment, so we really tried to keep the 'living together' and, of course 'friendship' parts of the relationship intact.
We both realized the inevitable, that we would both (at some point) find somebody else to become intimate with. We sat down and talked about this -- and it was not an 'easy' talk, I might add -- and decided to keep that part of our lives away from each other and out of the home. In other words, we knew that there were wounds to heal, even if they were those of lost familiarity, so we decided that there would be no bringing the new boy/girlfriend home -- and no 'gushing' about the events of last Friday night to each other. This worked for us for 2 years -- mostly because neither of us was ready to become intimate with someone else. Had either of us moved on to someone else, I really can't see how we could have stayed living together as 'just friends'. And I really can't see how anyone could live with someone that they'd once been intimate with and bring home the new boy/girlfriend for the night. I know that some folks can do this and it doesn't really bother them, but I sure couldn't. My 'ex' and I were very careful to define the boundaries of our 'just friends, platonic, after the relationship' living arrangements. I would think, OP, that to not do that would definitely be, as you say, "just asking for a problem".
cdn guy | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:56:48 AM | | It is possible to be good friends with past lovers. But if you and this person are such good friends and there is an attraction and you want to cohabitat, be prepared for the inevitable. Not being friends with a past lover should be the odd thing but unfortunately it isn't. Some people seem to need to feel anger or even hatred toward the past lover as part of the healing process. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:21:40 AM | I've never had a serious relationship with someone I didn't like. And after the initial healing is done after the break-up, the like is still there. No big deal. It's just the way it works for me.
Same here, CDN. I am friends with every person I have ever loved in my life with only one exception. If the basis for a relationship is a solid friendship, why would you throw that away just because the romance did not work out? I personally don't get that.
Just me, I guess. And seeing Cdn's remaining posts, I'm reminded how I've missed the forums and the intelligence of some of my old friends as well .... | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:05:12 PM | To me, being friends and living together are two separate things.
I am friends with my ex...
would I live with him again?
Not in a million years, if it was that good, we would still be together.
Sometimes I think friendships are better once the romantic relationship is no longer there. To me, living with an ex-lover could just bring up emotional problems for one party or the other. JMO | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:32:00 PM | I'm with you on this one celticmist..
That would all boil down to a matter of trust.
Trust means everything in any type of relationship!! If I can't trust someone.. than why would I want to be a friend.. or co-anything with them? I wouldn't.. and won't.
I've never come across this possibility as of yet.. and.. I hope I don't ever have to either. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/22/2008 3:26:21 AM | I think...friendship is not growing...because we want to...
It is growing because we value very high person's "ago". | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:21:07 PM | | OK......so, how close is too close??? I dated a woman who spoke with her ex flame religiously every night, saw him at least once a week, still carried and used his one of his credit cards, but kept telling me they were still just close friends. too close for me. I broke it off after 5 months. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:32:47 PM | | Yes I do. I have a dear friend that I was involved with five years ago and over the years we have ups and downs, but now we are very good friends, every now and then we talk about maybe trying again but I think our friendship might prohibit that. I couldn't bear not to have him in my life. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:58:08 AM |
Yes I do. I have a dear friend that I was involved with five years ago and over the years we have ups and downs, but now we are very good friends, every now and then we talk about maybe trying again but I think our friendship might prohibit that. I couldn't bear not to have him in my life.
Hi qpsweetheart,
Your words somehow lifted me up. I hope five years from now I can say "we are still good friends" The problem is I do want to try again. She does not. But I hold out hope that in time we might talk about trying again like you did with your guy. But I sure don't understand how trying again would ruin the friendship and he would somehow end being in your life. I thought as romantic lovers, we had to be great friends first. Do you mean to tell me that if you try again, it could ruin the friendship? Sorry, I don't get that. But of course that is perhaps because my heart is in a different place.
So does this really good friendship in any way hinder your (or his) finding someone else as a romantic interest. Not just dates, but to start a serious relationship? Just curious as to how that works. Do you bot honestly agree not to try again? or is it just you or just him? | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:10:38 PM |
The problem is I do want to try again. She does not.
I believe, Jim, that is the usual case, where one is more attached than the other. The problem with getting back together, she would probably feel the same way, and you would get your hopes up, only to have your heart broken again. Time to move on!  | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:35:31 PM |
I believe, Jim, that is the usual case, where one is more attached than the other. The problem with getting back together, she would probably feel the same way, and you would get your hopes up, only to have your heart broken again. Time to move on!
Ageless wonder. I respect your opinion up to the point of your last four words.
You are correct. And I am fully aware of that. I am fully aware and prepared for the possibility that what I ultimately want to happen may not happen. Is it worth it to me? Is it worth the risk of prolonged pain? I'll answer that in a word....YES.
Right now, after hours of talking to her about it, the pros, the cons and the demands from her to make this work IF we do it. I conclude that it is more then worth it. I am not a quitter, I don't give up easily on anything worth while. She is worth while. Love is worth while. Way to many people let their pride, their anger and their lack of understanding and compromise interfere with trying to maintain at least a friendship.
Like an old country song that comes to mind.....Two people haven so much pride inside, neither side forgives...the angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives. It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline in the numbers of husbands and wives. Two people lookin like houses where nobody lives...
Well that applies here. No one knows what the possibilities really are. Can we begin all over as "just" friends? I think so. The good news is we both want to do that much. We both think what we share in many ways is worth it...as friends. It's called genuine love of each other. But yes, I do want more then "just" friends. In time it may happen. I've even thought that in time, I may in fact see that it should not happen. But at least the friendship will be strong.
Please don't take this personal Ageless wonder, believe me it's not. And not just you that say "move on" to many people in many forums. how simple that sounds. How wrong it is for so many.
I am so tired of reading all to often, advice from good meaning people who say "move on" without knowing the two individuals involved and how they both feel about each other or much in the way of facts about why they are apart etc. In my opinion, to many people move on way to fast and way to easily. This might be hard. It will take restraint and patience. But when you really love someone, you do what you can to find that happiness with the one you love. I'll make those sacrifices and take the risk. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:08:04 PM |
Please don't take this personal Ageless wonder, believe me it's not.
Not a problem Jim. I have learned a long time ago never to take things personal on a POF board!
I hope it works out for you. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/24/2008 6:28:09 AM | | Definately possible.....I had an ex rent a room in my old house (it was pretty big & she had her own entrance, etc.) for about 2 years. Worked out great as we were always good friends & our dating was when we were in our late teens/20s. There wasn't any residual physical feelings on either of our parts, tho. Best housemate I ever had. Wish she was closer than the 4 states away where she lives now as I miss her company sometimes.....very cool person. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:19:01 AM | I am much impressed with the ability of people to get so captivated by an idea that they ignore or deny the effects of actually putting it into practice. So if anyone wants to try this, go right ahead but don't be surprised if it does not work out quite the way you intend. Human emotions follow their own path and all of our reasoning and slicing and dicing does not matter to them one bit. Sure, we can repress them, or manage them in some other way, but if taken too far, we do ourselves harm in the process.
I had a friend who divorced his wife and they separated. She ran in to financial difficulty and he allowed her to move back into the house he owned. Pretty soon he allowed her boyfriend to move in with her. He mentioned this every time I talked to him and kept explaining why it was really the right thing to do and he was fine with it. If so, why did he keep bringing it up? He was in denial of how he really felt about it, that's why.
Sure you can be friendly with a past lover if the ending of the love was not too destructive. As far as living together, there are so many ways it can go astray, why put all that energy into it? IMHO it is almost always that one or both are holding on to some hope that the fire will rekindle. If it is over with, let it go and move on. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:09:16 PM | ^^^ I agree. I too think that if ex lovers want to live together after a breakup, that would be tough to do as probably one has a differing view of the arrangement than the other.
My ex has remarried and he keeps asking me to come to FL to visit. Now... that would be weird if you ask me, not so much for me, but for his wife. No way would I do that, although the thought of going to FL, especially in the winter is tempting, lol | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:27:09 PM | Yes, I totally think its possible. I have many friendships of this nature.
As for the cohabitating part for some, yes, for others no. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:20:55 AM | How about past husbands? My first and I remained precious friends his entire life, and his 2nd wife both accepted and understood our friendship. They were married for 35 years, and she bore him the two sons I couldn't - and we've ALL remained friends! When he was dying several years ago, who did his wife telephone to help her and support her and share in his dying? Me! What an incredible gift that was!
I still chat with the older son and stay current on the family. His father was very precious to me, and yes, we dated for a couple of years following our divorce. As much as we loved each other, we simply couldn't make it as a couple. Over the years, several of my subsequent lovers met him, and if they had problems with our friendship they didn't remain lovers long. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:42:20 PM | Hey desert wildflower (OP)
Yes it's very possible and a wonderful thing. Not every romance is meant to last but a great friendship is truly eternal. Sometimes love means letting go and that can end a romantic relationship, but it takes selfishness and bitterness to end a friendship and there's often no need for that at all.
Cherish your friendship and the non-romantic attraction you still have for each other - it's a gift that is very much worth preserving. I'd just suggest making sure you are preserving the friendship and not hanging on to the past or old desires. If you have truly moved on, let go, accepted where things are at - so that it is TRULY about the friendship and not something else - then it's all good and healthy.  | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:51:18 PM | | truth is that the older a person gets the more open to friendship with past loves you become. There was a poll done on this not long ago and something like 70 percent thought this was OK. A girl I dated not long ago did not like this at all and it was a problem because of my email friends from the past even though I was doing nothing wrong. | |
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| past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:18:21 AM | Horselady..
I'm sorry for the loss of your firend. There is always the exception/s to the rules. I think your case was definitely one of those. I think it's pretty safe to say.. most marriages end with bitter conflicts.. not as amicable as some prefer to refer to them as being. JMO | |
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