| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:57:28 PM | Dear "Tosirwithlove" I completly feel you !!! heres the thing....If you dont think you are in a place to trust or try, then remove yourself from the mix here. You will be setting yourself up for hurt if you dont. I have also been hurt, I think we all have, both male and female. We need to understand and know ourselves completly before we set out again to find love. To do that you "MUST" be strong. There are many men on here that will use you given half a chance, it is sometimes hard to read them...again..been there, done that, so sit back and know what you want, be strong and be ready for what you will run into on POF...because you will see it all on here !!! There are many decent, kind, loving, loving men...just much harder to find amongst the loosers here...so good luck and ..."GET STRONG" !!!! | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:35:58 AM | Op I am in the same boat, as you know. I don't want to even give it a go. I am happy as I am, I don't need anyone to fill my life and at this time in life I am not capable of making anyone happy either. Therefore I just don't even think about it. As much as life will be so much more beautiful to be in love but some how I don’t want this beauty.
It's good to be honest with your feelings, you are being fair to yourself and others BUT I am 100% sure when you are sure and ready the right person will come your way and that’s when you'll feel less scared but secure. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:04:03 AM | When I fall, it hasn`t been often, and fall really hard, and so far with the wrong guys.
I am now trying so hard to think with my head and not the heart. I know I have needs.
But I can`t let my heart take over. So I always have to remind myself that it takes a very long time to get to know a man and his true motives and feelings. Yeah, I have sensitive human feeling, but I don`t have to be a slave to them. I am human, I get emotional and have needs, but I must always respect myself first. And that respect primarily entails not letting myself get completely wrapped up in an emotional relationship with a man. I am 48 and to this day, have never met a man who really loved me the way I loved him, purely with no hidden agenda. We have to think like a man and be more logical about these things, and realize that romantic love is part of life but not all of life. It`s a new world and we women have to be smart and take care of ourselves first. We can`t rely on the integrity or care of a man any more. If we do, we are just seting ourselves up for alot of disasters. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:06:24 AM | | OP, I felt the same way, but I continued to date. I left 3 seemingly nice and appropriate men in a row, because I could not feel close with them. However, I'm happy to say, I've met someone new, who I do feel that connection with again. I would suggest you keep dating, and keep meeting new people, with or without serious intent. Who knows, you may have some fun, and you may just meet the man of your dreams who is worth the risk of falling in love again. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:10:49 AM | Well some men feel the same.
I have had numerous relationships that failed for various reasons.
Probably the last nail in the coffin is now being completely financially independent.
Own house, car paid for and plenty of money in the bank.
I could lose that if someone moved in with me. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:35:30 AM | I understand what you say
Trust and fear issues are what keep many from venturing into the world of Love once again.
Counseling, self help books can be good 'guides' to what blockages are in your way.
Or, talking to people who have overcome these hurdles...on here (POF), or in real time.
It's understandable that if you have been hit in the face with a curve ball, you might be reluctant to step up to the plate again. I have felt this. But, in time, human spirit seeks once again what we did not have, or 'felt' we did not achieve, or we realise that it takes two to play, perhaps you are blaming yourself for these failed relationships. It's never, ever that simple.
You are still quite young, and my hunch is you will come out to play again, after some healing takes place. This timeframe is different for all people. It is something that cannot be rushed.
Being realistic helps...that is, if you step up to the plate, when you feel ready, you may get hit with another wild pitch.....or, you may hit a home run. If nothing else, you may at least get on to first base. And, that itself is a big confidence booster.
but, people are like wild cards, you never really know exactly what you are dealing with.....you can only be sure of the cards you are holding.
Good luck to you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Kimbo ``````````````````````````````` | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:21:34 AM | I think when I hear this I think that there is hope for you. What is clear though that some women are poor at choosing a man and then they say they can't trust men. What you should think about is learning to choose a good guy.
I look on the posts and see countless women that stick with obviously bad guys, and then when they get burned, they blame men.
Choose wisely and dont let the mistakes of the past sabotage the future. Take responsibility and you will be happier. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:52:20 PM | | While it may be hard to move on, one's got to take care of life. Take time to think about just yourself, what you would like to do in life, what you would like to be etc. Focus your attention on it. As you succeed in stages, the growing confidence will allow you to open up. Good luck. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:08:57 PM | OP, from what you have learned, I would say in your situation is that trust has to be earned, before you can fall in love again. Using your head and not your emotiions will keep you out of getting hurt, again.
Believe me, you have company about trusting the other sex. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:59:47 PM | I'm very much afraid to fall in love. I have trust issues where a man is concerned. I don't even know what love is or how it feels any more. It's been 17 years since I felt any of those feelings. I'm not sure I can help you. Sorry.
There is nothing wrong with a little self-pity. It's a shame when others tell other how to feel. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 2:59:46 PM | So many men and women have experienced broken hearts through another's dishonesty and/or betrayal....
You just have to pick yourself up and keep walking down that road....and try your best to listen, observe, and then make better choices. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 3:19:39 PM | | I think we fail or do trial runs till the One comes along and sweeps us off our feet! | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 3:33:04 PM | I have been doing "trial runs" for years and years, enjoying the company and companionship of those I have been with.......but........I have not fallen "in love" with another since being so hurt, scarred, and walled from past loves that have somehow taken what I gave and abused it.
Loving is one thing that many can do, along with being kind and considerate, but being "in love", is a totally different emotion, attitude, and consciousness.
Just because one is not "in love", it does not mean that you automatically are bad, cruel, abusive, unkind, repulsive, or any of the other words used to describe someone that may be bitter with that hurt, compared to those that just become incapable of reaching that feeling, but still care and enjoy the opposite sex.
Many of us just have stopped trying to find that elusive feeling, and just enjoy the adventure of living and sharing with others that want what we want, and are willing to accept us for who we are, and what we have gone through.
Life happens and so does love, but being "in love" is just something that must occur without demands, and on its own time schedule.
Just my opinion......   | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:20:54 PM | I wish I had true pearls of wisdom to share with you. The sole piece of advice I have to offer you is to give yourself time to get past what you're feeling and counseling might very well be beneficial. I spent years hoping someone would land at my feet who would make me forget the one who broke my heart completely. What a colossal waste of time!!!!
I finally stopped that nonsense and allowed myself the time to deal with the hurt and anger; besides, it was just so unfair to drag some innocent guy into my dramatic mess. Eventually I was left with a clean slate and it was so much easier for me to be in touch with who I was and what I was able to give and what I wanted out of a healthy relationship.
Trust me....I'm still a little scared, but I'm a work in progress. The most important thing is I'm happy with who I see in the mirror every morning. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:30:46 PM | | If everyone is 100 percent honest, we're all scared of falling, it leaves us vulnerable to being hurt. I'd say the key (but, hey, I'm sure no expert) is to take your time, try to find the person whose actions demonstrate they are trustworthy, and open to it as well. Then just go one day at a time, communicate, and hope for the best. It's all any of us can do, and my sincerest wish for those persons here with good hearts & intentions. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:47:50 PM | | I completely understand where u are coming from. Its hard to let your guard down until you know its safe to love again. We want to take the chance, so it does not pass us by, but how do we know if he is worth it? and not just playing us? | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:21:57 PM | Think of love like learning to ride a bicycle. It can be scary at first. You learn to ride with training wheels on. It's a roller coaster of a ride. Finally, you're ready to ride without training wheels. You fall and scrape your knee - you get hurt. Do you quit learning? No, you get right back up on that bike and try and learn to ride again. It may take a couple of turns, but eventually, you will be riding that bike all the time without any falls.
Love is not painful, love doesn't hurt. It's people that makes it painful and makes it hurt. Don't rush it. Counselling could help as there may be some past trauma creeping up on you - but don't get too hard on yourself. Finding the right man can be a heart breaking experience. But it can also be like learning to ride that bike - fast, fun, exciting with lots of ups and downs. Once you learn to ride without training wheels, you'll wonder what you were scared of in the first place. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:14:29 AM | "Scared to fall in love?"
Helllllll no.
Love is great. A more appropriate title would be "Scared to fall in love....with the wrong person" Now that would be a different answer.
We've all been hurt before. What separates the people that get up, dust themselves off and learn from their mistakes from those that wallow in self pity is the ability to assess their mistakes..take accountability and move forward with a more clear understanding about themselves , their needs and what they can offer another person.
I don't believe these forums are indicative of anything. I know so many married couples that are happy and spending their time together. You're never going to read about these success stories because they are doing things together and enjoying life. You can get there if you don't make your fear the biggest obstacle to your success.
Every huge success you get in your life is going to going to come with a corollary increase in risk factor. If you want love and it's worth the risk then be smart as you can about finding it.
Fear should motivate you to make wise decision but you've let it go too far when it obtructs your vision and hampers your actions. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:51:10 AM | Just wanted to say Obsidian (what a great user name) how much your post resonated with me. After years of falling in love with the wrong people, I think I've found the right one at last and it's been damn scary but you explain very oloquently how self-destructive fear can be.
Shame I'm not in Seattle, would be great to meet for a meaty conversation in Starbucks! | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:03:03 AM |
Just wanted to say Obsidian (what a great user name) how much your post resonated with me. After years of falling in love with the wrong people, I think I've found the right one at last and it's been damn scary but you explain very oloquently how self-destructive fear can be.
Shame I'm not in Seattle, would be great to meet for a meaty conversation in Starbucks!
Meeting people is the one thing in life I'm definitely fearless about! Hey Madonna congrats and when in Seattle the first Venti is on me! | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:16:52 AM | | Do you just have problems trusting men? And is it just men you have dated? I think you need to move on from your past, forgive them for what happened and move on with your life. As far as relationships go you can't blame or judge a man on something other men have done to you. Always listen to your gut, and don't date men that give you "red flags" Do you think your dating the same man over and over again? Think about what you learned from your past relationships and why you broke up? Dating someone new is a risk you have to be willing to take. You push people away when you are scared to love them. One day you might find a man who really loves you and you will end up pushing him away. I hope this helps...good luck! | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:40:33 AM | | In my opinion I think alot of people(including me) have been where you are. And it is good that you recognize it. Self help books can help, if you find the right one. Dont give up, if your like me you just get that gut feeling when its not right. Dont get me wrong I know some men are very good at hiding it, but go with your gut...Take it slow and you will know when your ready. There is nothing wrong with waiting for a good one to come along. | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:17:23 AM | OP you don't trust love, and that is a sign that you don't think you're worthy of it. When you learn to love yourself and realise that you are worthy of nothing less, then you will trust it, and then you won't be afraid to feel it.
sadly, i completely disagree.
trust and worthiness have no connection. at least in my experience.
feeling you're not going to fall off of a bridge if you walk close to the edge - but just "trust" you'll be safe - does nothing to prevent you from falling. being in love feels the same way.
i am having the exact same problem as the OP, and i can tell you time does nothing to diminish wounds either. in fact, sometimes time magnifies them.
i have no answers for this OP, i just offer sympathy. i've been reading lately alison armstrong's writings on understandingmen.com. amazing stuff. with this info i think i might be seeing some light as to how to love again... | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:24:37 AM | When we have been hurt or wronged we need to move beyond it........
The only wrong that has power is the one we give the power to.................Dont let the men from your past have the power to keep you in the abyss of pain........you deserve and need to move on...........they are long past you.........it is your duty to youself to get past them...................
PEACE | |
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| Scared of falling in love
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:55:28 PM | I'm in the same boat. I was hurt in the past, and then reconnected with someone I've known for most of my life. We were really good friends , and then we became something more 3yrs ago. Then he changed. He wasnt interested in me anymore, he stopped calling me, (no it wasn't a booty call or anything like that. we had a real relationship). He abandoned me 2x. Yeah I was stupid to take him back, although it took time and the emotions took over my sense I guess. Later he told me that he never saw himself marrying me, and didnt want a girlfriend anymore. He just wanted to be alone and have space. I asked him if there was someone else. I truly believe there was another girl. Its the only thing that makes sense. He swears up and down there wasn't anyone else. I still stick to my beliefs though.
When my ex abandoned me, it hurt me more than words could ever express. When he abandoned me the last time (last yr) I was completely destroyed, and ended up with ulcers and stress related physical symptoms. I did go to therapy recently because I wasn't able to get over him. I got laid off in April, so I can't afford it anymore, but I am really afraid of being hurt like this again.
I feel like I'm ready to meet someone as a friend first, to get to know him, but I'm scared sh*tless that another knife will be plunged into my heart. The pain I felt w/ my ex was the worst I've ever felt. I think when/if I do meet someone and a relationship starts to develop, I'd go back to therapy (hopefully I'll have found another job and have benefits by then!) and have the therapist walk me thru learning to trust another man.
I know what this feels like, and my <3 goes out to all of you who've been hurt like that.
But yeah, therapy helps! They point out things you'd never see yourself, and show you some positives in the negative situation you are going thru. | |
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