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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:37:37 PM | Hey Hey! It's looking much better!
I like your headline, it's catchy, and thats sometimes hard to do.
Personally, I'd get rid of the "What I'm into..." lead ins, and I think you take too many words right off the bat before you tell us something about who you are, but if you like it, then that's fine... You might say it's showing a bit of your personality, all up to you.
Some of the others might disagree, we'll see what they say.
But good job for coming this far!
Good Luck!
-D4GL | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/20/2008 8:10:49 PM | Thanks! I'm glad it's at least a step in the right direction. I'd definitely consider removing the headings, if others also agreed it was for the best. Also, better pictures will be uploaded when available. While some may never be satisfied, it's likely not for them anyway.  | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:28:19 AM | now that's the sort of headline I'm talking about!
Thats getting better, not gonna say too much, ya gotta see if it works. write some messages and see if you get any responses.
i would change "I'd suggest going" to "Lets go"
bear in mind if you write to females with 3 line profiles you're at massive risk of hidden preferences.
It's a given that an unknown percentage hide their profile viewing habits but I do find, if I look at profiles I get visible reciprocal views. You can roughly gage responses by if no one ever looks back your picture sucks, if no one sends you a message, either they're looking for something different in the for: field or there's some more obvious reason in their profile or they just dont like your profile.
if you're really brave, everyone who looks at your profile , who sounds like a person that should be interested, write an extremely polite message asking for honest feedback. We can say what we think but they're more likely to point out specific things over a whole profile critique. In some ways thats more important. such a message ought to read like
"Hi, I notice you viewed my profile. I'm guessing you werent overly impressed by the lack of response. This happens a lot. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going wrong but its hard to know what perceptions people have. Could you spare a moment of your time to tell me your honest impression or something you didnt like the sound of? If not thank you for looking I wish you good luck in your search"
this kind of message, it has to be abundantly clear that you're not trying to create communication in an oblique way. And polite because you're appealing for something they're under no obligation to give.
this is how i found out women are liable to read "dont want children" as "dont like children" | |
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| The litmus test of my revised profile has begun...
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:37:34 AM | I've sent some messages out now and I'm hoping for some positive responses (or responses at all). 
I took the time to tailor the responses to the individual profiles because I that's what I'd want. If things work out better this time, I have all of you to thank for your invaluable assistance.
I'll post here when I know more.  | |
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| The litmus test of my revised profile has begun...
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:34:25 AM | OP, feel free to be inspired by my profile photo choices. Also take a look at the ones selected by calamarichris. He is my new favorite based on creativity and sense of humor.
Also, throw in a few paragraph breaks to enable ease of reading.
Like this.
HTH | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:24:47 AM | | I don't know what your profile looked like before but it reads well now. However, you really need to get some pictures that aren't Nostril Shots-ick ick ick ick! That angle doesn't look good on anybody-not even Brangelina. | |
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| Premlinary results...
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:36:17 AM | This informal data has been posted here for informational purposes only.
If you want to discuss the below responses in more detail,
please create a new thread in the appropriate forum if one hasn't already been started.
Messages were sent to those slightly younger than me, around my age, older than me, and with / without children . More than just their superficial qualities were taken into account when selecting who to contact as my profile hopefully makes it obvious I'm looking for more than that.
I have followed up on the messages that were read but got no response. While many still didn't respond to my follow up request, the ones that can best be summarized in the following list...
* Your standards are too high
* You expect too much
* You're too picky.
* You speak too formally.
* I don't date men with children
* You think you're funny, but you're not.
I respect those who responded for their integrity and candor as it's certainly much easier to just ignore me.
Bye for now, I'll be making another go of it eventually.  | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:46:21 AM | A few quick hits here in passing:
TWO EMOTICONS! That’s two too many! Lose them before I lose my lunch!
The opening paragraph of your profile is uber-fluff and serves no purpose here as it’s rhetoric. Lose it.
Good set of interests, bad set of photos. Fix one or the other won’t be worth it’s weight in water.
You used three words in paragraph two to describe something any one of those would have, and then you patronize your reader by explaining what all three synonyms mean. I believe you are looking for an intelligent woman also and would it not be safe to assume she would understand the term loquacious? Leave it in there by itself and use it as a filter, but personally I’d go with verbose over that one as it’s not as obscure.
You mentioned a gaming system which says a whole lot of ugly to a woman. If you felt the compulsion to mention the 360 in your profile it is safe to assume it’s a pretty integral part of your life. If it’s not leave it out and do yourself a solid! If it is leave it in and do the majority of woman one!
I agree that we don’t need to know your custody agreement but I expected worse after reading the comments in the thread. But you just said that you have a daughter and in the same breath said the woman would not have to compete for your time and affection. Are you planning on walking away from your daughter completely when you find a woman to love?! I didn’t think so, so in that sense she WOULD have to share your time and affection and she would come second most of the time. Most people understand this and there’s a very good chance the woman you’ll meet will have children herself and you will come second, or third, or fifth. Who knows? But all I do know is you can paint a pig and make it look any prettier. It is what it is, so accept it and embrace the situation.
I am looking for someone who is sober, cute, and not too deeply in debt. I’m waiting for the “just kidding” but then I realize you aren’t kidding! You can think that but stating it aloud will NOT help your cause! Those are assumed givens, as are honest, loyal, supportive, and patient. Assumed givens are… assumed, and should not be in a profile.
Your first date section looks like a hodge podge of ideas, as though you ran your finger down the Summer ideas guide for your city and listed off the first six things on the “Things To Do Around Elgin This Summer” list. Put some thought into it and script a night out. This is your last chance to wow her. Don’t tell her your easy.
Two profile reviews this morning and twice I’ve said this now… you missed a mail restriction. Isn’t the point of online dating, and further this request for help, to ATTRACT women and not to keep them from contacting you?! You can do away with everything but your age filter, and the married and drugs ones. Everything else needs to go.
Run through it with a fine-toothed comb and polish up some rough edges and come back for round two when you are ready for it. Sorry. I said this would be abbreviated. I too am loquacious! ;-) Good luck OP. | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:05:08 AM | deuce light:
<div class="quote">TWO EMOTICONS! That’s two too many! Lose them before I lose my lunch!
Seriously ? I wonder how this common reaction is ?
<div class="quote">The opening paragraph of your profile is uber-fluff and serves no purpose here as it’s rhetoric. Lose it.
It's meant as a lead-in and is supposed to complement to my headline. Lose it anyway ?
<div class="quote">bad set of photos.
Having thought I fixed the issue raised by SweetFire, aside from being boring...can you more specifically say what you don't like about them ?
<div class="quote">You used three words in paragraph two to describe something any one of those would have, and then you patronize your reader by explaining what all three synonyms mean.
That was attempt at dry humor. Patronization was never my intention, of course.
<div class="quote">If you felt the compulsion to mention the 360 in your profile it is safe to assume it’s a pretty integral part of your life.
It's hardly integral. However, is there is too that much of a stigma that goes with it, then I'll probably drop it.
<div class="quote">Run through it with a fine-toothed comb and polish up some rough edges and come back for round two when you are ready for it. .
You missed round one where the ad was twice as long, so next time will be actually be more like round three. | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:06:23 AM | deuce light:
TWO EMOTICONS! That’s two too many! Lose them before I lose my lunch!
Seriously ? I was trying to inject a little emotion into my ad. I wonder if reaction is common or shared amongst women ?
The opening paragraph of your profile is uber-fluff and serves no purpose here as it’s rhetoric. Lose it.
It's meant as a lead-in and is supposed to complement to my headline. Lose it anyway ?
bad set of photos.
Having thought I fixed the issue raised by SweetFire, aside from being boring...can you more specifically say what you don't like about them ?
You used three words in paragraph two to describe something any one of those would have, and then you patronize your reader by explaining what all three synonyms mean.
That was an attempt at dry humor. Patronization was never my intention, of course.
If you felt the compulsion to mention the 360 in your profile it is safe to assume it’s a pretty integral part of your life.
It's hardly integral. However, if there is that much of a stigma that goes with it, then I'll probably drop it.
Come back for round two when you are ready for it. .
You missed round one where the ad was twice as long, so next time will be actually be more like round three. | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:28:48 AM | Yes, emoticons are b-a-a-a-a-a-a-d news in a profile. The POF creators should be stoned for including that option in the profile writing template, and I think you'll find most agree. Well, the type you are looking for at least. Have a look around these threads at the seasoned profiles and you'll find VERY few emoticons.
The opening paragraph is virtually you reciting the instructions for the process. I took some flack in my recent review for having a similarly fluffy paragraph opening the profile but I received some significant support for it as well. There is a way to approach every situation and it's black or white here my friend. This one you've got here doesn't work. You can change it up if you like but I think your best bet is to lose it all together. It's great that you tried to tie your headline into your profile but I think when you try and continue a thought from the headline to the first line of your profile the idea is generally lost by then. You can make references in line with your headline in your profile and that works better than what you've done here. Do what you please though, just remember we know a thing or two about this sort of thing.
The pictures are boring yes but more importantly they don’t evoke any emotion from the reader. There’s no story to tell, nothing to leave to the imagination, and no intrigue. It’s just you and your webcam and a white room. Actually I can’t tell if that’s a webcam or an arm’s length shot but either way they’re bad. Try to avoid pictures in the same room or the same outfit. Give the reader a number of different looks and it helps if those are outside of the bedroom.
Yes, there is a stereotype attached to those who game. If you said you like to play the occasional video game for leisure’s sake that’s cool but when you name your system or which games you like you become a die-hard in the reader’s eyes. We had a guy last week who rambled on about the five or six systems he had and how big his tv was and his sole goal in life was to own a kick-a[I][/I]ss home theater system. Nice. I bet he’s fighting the women off with a stick as we speak! I don’t see you as this person, but I’m just pointing out how bad it can be. I’d strongly urge you to lose the mention of the xbox from the profile. | |
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| Did I divulge too much ?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:51:23 AM | I happen to like the opening and the fact that it ties in with the headline... but the problem is that it doesn't tie in *enough*. You either need to lock it in there, or drop it/move it to later on in the profile for the reasons Deuce said. Here is an off-the-cuff re-write to try and lock it down:
Given the wildcat walkout by those pesky cherubs, I'm left to do this dating / falling in love thing all by myself. No problem, I'm a smart guy, I can handle it. Alright, where are the instr... oh, here we go. Alright. "Describe yourself, your interests, and your ideal match." Hmm, that doesn't sound too daunting. I can do that. Something like this (feel free to steal if you like) gives it more weight, and creates a scene in the reader's head. From there on, however, you play it completely straight... except for maybe a follow-on comment at the very end to tie it together.
Alternate #1: you make it a thread through your profile, 'cutting away' for step 1 (you), step 2 (your interests), step 3 (her), essay question (first date). This will require a deft touch to pull it off without being patronizing or self-absorbed.
Alternate #2: drop it from the beginning and include it only at the end. Nothing says it has to be the first thing they see.
Alternate #3: drop it completely.
I think it can be done, but it'll take some work to get the right 'feel'... and I could be wrong. How much (more) effort are you willing to put in?
Photos:
- you have only two when there's room for eight
- They are both taken from the same camera, in the same location. They give the impression that you never leave your house.
Ideally, you want a collection of inside and outside shots doing a variety of things. Yes, this can be difficult if you're usually the one holding the camera, or are not used to it, but carry it with you for a week or two and ask random friends/strangers to snap pictures of you... or do like another profile reviewer (Yevgeny) did and have someone follow you around for a day taking hundreds of shots doing different things.
One thing in the 'about her' section caught my eye: "willing to discuss subjects that don't interest her" Why would anyone want to discuss uninteresting things? Either the person is an infovore (as I am) in which case nothing is 'uninteresting' unless it gets to the mindlessly complex detail level, or you will have made them interesting to her in which case they won't be uninteresting any more. See my point?
Oh, and I'm with Deuce: emoticons are bad. Occasionally -- very occasionally -- I have seen one worked in skillfully and aptly so that it works. This is not the case in yours, where it is just plunked down.
Good luck. Hope this helps. | |
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