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| A, B, or C?
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:39:29 PM | You rang? Geeze, I step out to IRL and miss a boatload of fun.
I like C. | |
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| A, B, or C?
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:42:23 PM | I really like all of the revisions you've made Deuce.
The whole about me section now portrays your personality so much better.
I usually don't like the long profiles because most of them are filled with
useless drivel that generates no interest and falls short on capturing
my attention. You've turned it around so that the reader wants to
know more.
From the very beginning you have them hooked to get to that first date. It's you,
you haven't lost anything. It's got a nice flow to it and the reader can just tell
what kind of a personality you have just from what you've put in there.
Not arrogance but the clear image of a confident man.
Good luck : ) | |
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85down
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Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 55 | |
| ick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:59:57 AM | I didn't see the first edition of this profile but I've seen your profiles before and have always thought they were awesome. You add a personal flair to them and they are always very interesting to read. Even as a guy looking for women I find myself wanting more when I read this profile. You cover all the bases well and do it with style, and more importantly humor. I read a gentleman say that it didn't come across as funny and I urge him to have his meds checked... dude, it's funny! I've even gone as far as to show this profile to two of my close female friend who use this site and they both loved it. One said it was the best profile she's seen on here, and has been emailing him as a result. I don't think he has anything to worry about with this one.
About the opening paragraphs.... I really like the way the online dating paragraph is written now, and with that dog one following it ties it all together. I like it just the way it is now (ACB). But I'm just a guy, right? Good luck man. | |
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| Version 2
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:48:54 AM | New profile is a significant improvement. Editing is good, and the whittling you have done here has not removed anything significant.
You are, however, no longer technically perfect.
followed by a teamingly sarcastic "really?!". Unless you have created a new word (which I wouldn't put past you), you have mis-spelled 'teemingly' in this sentence.
Two editing issues now jump out at me:
1) The standard advice is to be aware of what you put in your first paragraph, because that's what is going to show up in the search box (along with name and headline). The new riddle is interesting, but it hogs that space. If you are aware of that and have made it a deliberate decision, then fine.
2) "the best smoothies are not those made with all the fruits of the forest but a good selection of two or three. Which two or three berries would you be?" The repetition of the phrase 'two or three' seems amateurish and sloppy, especially now that everything else has been tightened up. Suggestion for change: "...of the forest, but with a choice selection of just a few. Which two or three..."
Having given those points, this will be my last post. Now let it die already, you attention-whore!  | |
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| Version 2
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:03:21 AM | ^^ Bump.
Every profile is entitled to ongoing review with new revisions! This was round two?! I expected more to be honest!
You know, depending on which dictionary you check that word, teeming, can be spelled either way. Every time I wrote it teemingly Word flagged it and when I wrote teamingly then Firefox flagged it. I'll change it though if it looks odd.
The information shown in those search boxes is so garbled that it's hard to tell which way is up sometimes. They mix the interests with the first couple lines so I'm not really concerned that it doesn't display meaningful information there, but that wasn't done on purpose either. The intention is to have the name, picture, headline, and interests reel them into the profile.
I've made the change on the smoothies line also. I see your point here. | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:07:13 AM | My vote is B, the others are not as descriptive about who you are. They IMO would be better utilized "in the middle". But hey, I am not what you are trying to attract here, by all means, go with what the ladies think here buddy!
I wish I would have had more time to give you, I am a VERY slow typer, therefore it takes me a loooooooong time to review such an extensive profile.
I will do my best to "participate" in round two to a larger extent.
Lookin good buddy!
OFCB | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:56:42 PM | Excellent. Your revisions thus far are a superb improvement.
Less static, more white space, and suddenly no one is complaining about length for what is still a long profile. But you improved the flow, and surprise, surprise, no more complaints about length. Good job.
which paragraph would you say would be putting my best foot forward
Option C.
I meant literally first. The riddle is good; likely a conversation starter, but I would relocate it either to the bottom since it is out of context and at the bottom is more clear as an intended conversation starter, plus it then does not detract (or distract) from the rest of the profile. Alternatively, I suppose you could work it into the middle somewhere, but then it might need some kind of introduction/transition into it.
As Bookrat said, the first paragraph shows up in the search results. I think you overstate the "garbling" and should not be worried about that. Users of the site acclimate quickly to the format, particularly the intelligent ones you seek. Now don't tell me you underestimate them so?
I think this is the first time someone has ever tried to tell me that my attempt at humor wasn't heard, it failed, or that my sense of humor doesn't come through in my writing. Interesting.
The attempts were recognized, but the presentation and delivery obscured them. You simply had too much in there. It came off like a bunch of (weak) unrelated one-liners. As is common knowledge, the funny is not only in the joke itself, but is in the delivery and timing as well. The changes you have made now present with a better flow, and allow your sense of humor to shine through much more.
There is a line we walk when writing between the reader's responsibility to comprehend what they are reading, and your responsibility to elucidate your thoughts and intent. The static in the prior version placed more responsibility on the reader than most any reader is willing to put forth. Decartes is the only author I have ever read for whom the effort was worth it, and not for his lack of elucidation, but in fact, for his excess of it.
Honestly Omniminded, as a reviewer I constantly tell people to ixnay the egativity-nay and reframe the statements using a positive spin. These statements are masking a negative, sure, but should all of those be left out then? If that's the case almost everything in a person's profile could be considered hiding a negative. What are your thoughts?
In a word: Audience.
As your intended target is a woman of high intelligence, that will likely come across as transparent to them as it did to me. So either up the ante, or loose the line.
I disagree that everything is hiding a negative. Re-framing can be good, but is not always adequate, or appropriate. You know who you are writing for, what you write needs to reflect that.
In the case of putting a positive on "no jealous tendencies" omission is key, as is focusing not on the undesired trait, but on the desirable traits which vanquish it. Namely, "confidence and trust in one's self, and in one's partner/relationship", and the personal fortitude to faithfully accept the risks of trusting, and to walk when said trust is betrayed.
Someone mentioned my main pic looking doctored. I posted after I added the picture as per a number of requests that it was taken with a Blackberry. The quality isn't bad but they do look a little digitized sometimes. But the problems you see with the picture here are merely POF's crappy photo engine, as in Picasa the picture looks fine.
That someone was me. That degree of distortion is highly peculiar, and I find it interesting that it looks different when displayed on the site then when on your PC.
The picture itself would be fine absent the distortions, but the drawbacks I mentioned earlier should still be considered. That comes down to a judgment call. If it were me, I'd either remove it or attempt to eliminate the problems in Photoshop... but not everyone has the benefit of access to such high caliber photo editing software.
Now onto the revised profile...
The Profession field is much better, particularly ending it with the "Father Extraordinaire" part.
The "About Me"... Relocate the riddle as explained above. Loose the "One ventures into the realm" paragraph. Move "option C" paragraph to the top, also explained above. I suggest the following revision below:
Putting the comical honesty aside for a moment, let's get down ... and I am well on my way to achieving said success. Passion for life and eternal optimism are the driving forces in my life; my cup isn't half full... it spilleth over.
They belong together.
The "Care to join me on my journey? The****it is rather shoddy but the ride might be worth the price of admission." is an ending invitation. Consider an "either/or" with "Have you met your future best friend?" at the bottom.
You have a spelling which may or may not require correction: "crudest of toilet humoUr". For European english it is correct, for American english it is not, and for Canadian english, I haven't any idea and am now curious which.
Other than restating the "either/or" ending invitation, and the relocation of the riddle, the only other thing I have to suggest is to point out that you have some run on sentences which could be broken down into smaller ones.
For the "First Date" section... Notta. Your revision works fine.
And thats it. Hope I added some clarity to your questions. | |
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| General rule of thumb:
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:10:15 PM |
For European english it is correct, for American english it is not, and for Canadian english, I haven't any idea and am now curious which.
Canadian spelling follows the British spelling, except where it doesn't.
General rules for Canadian Spelling:
- Use the British 'our' variant - armour, humour, ardour.
- Use the USAian 'z' instead of the British 's' - standardize, sympathize
- Tire, not tyre.
- jail, not gaol
- We still use the double-consonant rule that many USAians seem to have dropped : dial --> dialling, kidnap --> kidnapping
- 're' and 'er' at the end of the word are both considered 'correct' (liter/litre, theatre/theater) but 're' is considered more highbrow.
I'm sure that there's more, but that's a fine introduction into the minefield that is Canadian Spelling. We get more USA-ized as time goes on, but some of us are still fighting to retain our distinct society! Rock on, my Manitoban brother! | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:13:34 PM | It appears we've got no clear consensus. I guess we're going to have to naked oil wrestle this one out...
Omni, I'll review your suggestions later on. Bookrat is on with the Canadian spellings, however the s and the z are used interchangeably here, and the double consonant thing is only on some words. Dialing is still spelled with one L, but let's not get too carried away with a spelling rules debate here! LOL | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:29:21 PM | OK, Deuce,
As per your request, I will humbly pen my few thoughts herein...
I was invited to attend a dinner this evening at the local YMA Club, where the Ladies Auxiliary was having a cook-out. Awesome food, but no one in the whole place under 60. Several of the men and women were overheard telling jokes/stories/anecdotes to their friends, to roaring peals of laughter. I, however, had difficulty finding or following the humor. Reason? Most of these people had been attending this club for at least 30 years. The ones who were more recent additions identified themselves as " I'm (so-and-so), You know, (so-and-so's) kid!". All of the humor/anecdotes/stories had great meaning to the "In" crowd, but less meaning to outsiders. Like your joke; PERFECT way to attract the curious. She will think "I MUST write him, if only to find out that answer to that awful riddle", so the answer needs to be unwritten.... available only upon request.
Long story short; your profile was very well written, and if you are seeking a classy, intelligent, highly literate woman WHO IS ALREADY a member of your elite inner circle, you've done well for yourself. Remember, it was admiration of your writing skills that drew me here in the first place.
HOWEVER, I got the same feeling from your profile as I did from the jokes at the YMA club tonight; that your profile, your views, your humor, and your dialog were all aimed towards a specific audience.
People go to "reviewers" to get assistance with their profiles. Reviewers need to go elsewhere... perhaps back to the people.. :)
I am, however, now the housepainter criticizing the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel because Michaelangelo didn't use a good primer, so please forgive any offense my words may cause.
Thank you for the opportunity to review your profile; with hope, perhaps I can find something there that I can use.
Now, here's a mind-f*** for you; was this sarcasm or sincerity?
:) | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:52:14 PM | Thanks Chris. I DID come to the people, remember?! I joked that maybe I should contact all the people I have ripped in the past few months and invite them to do so in return but I've got a solid bunch of criticism here so far.
Humour is difficult to deliver in the written word so there is always going to be a little room left for interpretation. Unless you came right out and said "joke here... why did the chicken cross the road?" you are always taking that risk that it won't be understood.
As for the sarcasm vs. sincerity bit... your post is sort of like an anagram; it reads the same both ways, regardless of whether it's sincerity or sarcasm. | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:02:29 PM | Hmmmm... maybe it's the whole "weird Canadian" thing I'm not used to... :)
Sorry, Deuce, I tried my best, but I can't really come up with anything really terribly wrong with your profile. I would love to be able to offer some insightful, world-shaking tidbit of knowledge, but I am unable to do so.
Now you just have to find some way of getting your profile out to the rest of the world, not just the POF crew. Some sort of edge/gimmick that will get you airtime on the news, or something. Ever think of writing a book? "How to write the best online dating profile" ? I am serious; it would do two things; first, showcase your awesome writing abilities, and second (merely as an afterthought, you understand), it would showcase YOU, and your profile.
A good publishing company will advertise your book, because it is in their best interests (more sales = more money for them), and along the way , you will become the world's most eligible bachelor...
Just a thought...
-Chris | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:07:58 PM | My fook you are a genius.
I thought about the art of attraction stuff before I ever read the David Deangelo ads flooding my mailbox a few years ago and wondered if it was something that could be marketed. If only I had thought of putting it into action before! LOL Hindsight...
You are actually down the list of people who have urged me to write a book based on my experiences here, fact or fiction; the concept list is growing.
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:12:17 PM | | Alright omniminded and the likes, I've made the changes suggested, aside from the first paragraph as we've not come to any agreement on one of three options. I've got equally-gifted and respected reviewers chiming in on each one, and people who've never reviewed a thread overtly chiming in on all three as well. I'm going to need to sit on it and think hard. Take a look and see how it looks now. | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:48:41 PM | Deuce Light wrote:
It appears we've got no clear consensus. I guess we're going to have to naked oil wrestle this one out... Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! I knew I liked the way this guy thinked. Sice I'm injured and can't participate, I call trainer/oiler of the women's team.
Let's rock!
- T
{edit}
Uh-oh
As for the sarcasm vs. sincerity bit... your post is sort of like an anagram; it reads the same both ways, regardless of whether it's sincerity or sarcasm. Deuce, check your inbox. | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:15:17 PM | You are exhibiting a conflict which seems pointless. Here you are asking for a consensus from others when you already have the only consensus you need. That from actual past respondents, AND your own recognition of prior successes.
Yeah, I'm talking about that "house-broken" paragraph. Screw what people on this review thread vote, including mine. YOU and your past respondents have already cast a consensus vote for it. In your own words:
which paragraph would you say would be putting my best foot forward
...
Do you have ANY idea how many comments I get from women on that dog paragraph?! It is the lone thing I took from my previous profile for that simple reason.
Sounds to me like you already recognized it as being your best foot.
After this latest revision, aside from regurgitating that which I have already said, I have only one observation left.
A simple line break where it does not belong. Here...
... I am a confident, grounded man who knows what he wants in life, in most aspects, and I am well on my way to achieving said success. *HERE*
Passion for life and eternal optimism are the driving forces in my life; my cup isn't half full... it spilleth over.
Perhaps you did so on purpose for emphasis. No need. | |
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| Tick tock, the time has come! Grab your bibs and steak knives, and show me what you’re made of!
Posted: 6/24/2008 6:26:56 AM | I fixed that break. In the edit window it was on the next line but there was no spaces after the previous line so it looked like it was just the standard period and space, then into the next sentence.
Ultimately I'll go with the opening paragraph that seems to make the most sense to me, based on the reactions of messages I've gotten to date. Many women have said to stick with the first one, and the men seem to be divided between B and C. I personally don't think the dog paragraph should start the profile as it's more of a quirky factoid bit. It lightens up the text in the middle somewhere better than it does opening the profile in my eyes. | |
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