| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:20:24 PM | Well you are partially right.. I had a cancer ordeal 12 years ago that lasted for six months.. but it took a lot out of me..I came within six weeks of dying.. and the recovery afterwards was long and slow... my body and immune system had been decimated.. and to be honest I have not been really ready to date till the last 9 months or so.. sort of battle fatigue/self image.. issues.. I would rather not date till I was ready to date than try to date when I wasn't and jepordize my heart by picking jerks to date.
I think you could summarize my philosophy during those 22 years as being "well I have very little confidence in my ability to pick a good man to date.. and that leaves me vulnerable to men who are not very nice.. and I am not even considering the nice men I might run into that I could do a number on also".. Now things are different but sometimes I feel that I am being discriminated against because I had the good sense to wait till I could make a better companion. Logically someone who has that sort of maturity I would think would be in high demand as a potential mate. But.. sheesh shows you what I know.
Life can be hard at times.. when life is hard I choose not to look to date because emotionally and mentally I am not at my best..
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:31:21 PM |  Cancer survivor!! :O) Me too, sweetie!!
I agree with you, 100%. The cost of multiple marriages...ugh...financial, emotional, etc....and I know I will prolly get blasted for this, but when I meet someone, even someone older...who has had 3, 4, 5 marriages under their belt, I cannot help but think two things...they are the sort that NEED to be married, and they just are not learning from their mistakes!
I know this sounds hypocritical to some...who might consider LTR in the same lump as "mistakes"...but I don't. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:09:13 PM | I'm there with ya' txSippiGal!!!
Ahhh.. yeah shimbo.. glad you noticed.. Elvis is dead.. uh-huh. Oh.. but for some.. his music lives on.. and on.. and on!
I spent 12 years creating wonderful/responsible/respectable adults. I think my not dating (whether it was 12 or 21 years).. was/is well worth that effort! I'd do it alllll again in a heartbeat! That's called.. priorities. My priority was my "children".. not my selfish sexual pleasures. JMO | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 29 | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:35:55 PM | Pick any attribute you can name and it will cause some folks to hit the "Next Profile" button faster than spit. My record for a first meeting is fifteen minutes but if I keep on going I surely will hit some lady's face to face equivalent of "delete unread" in less time than that. I met one lady who had been divorced for more than 20 years. She had been in several relationships, but I don't ask about those details. I saw no problem with that, but did decide after a couple of meetings that she just did not seem very friendly and decided to let it go.
So my answer is that your singleness will only inhibit you if you let it become a barrier in your own mind. Any gentlemen with a lick of sense sizes up a lady based on what she is, not the details of how she got there. In my own experience, lack of success changed to success when I stopped wondering what you ladies were all about and got my own mind right about how I was going to go about whatever this is we are doing here. Having set aside most of my expectations in the interest of having a good time with whomever I meet, I am having a lot more fun and you ladies seem to like it. My two cents worth is forget perfection, pare down your checklist to the bare minimum, meet and greet as much as you can stand, and have a good time with each lad you grace with your presence. You may have to decline to kiss a few frogs along the way but something close to a prince will come along. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:53:05 PM | I doubt raising children and "work".. could ever be close to being considered on the same level.. unless of course.. you had to teach values/morals.. self respect/dignity on the job. Molding young minds with eyes that look up to you for guidance.. and.. with respect.
I raised my kids alone. No help from their father.. or any family members. I was all they had and it became a team effort as time went on.
I was busy taking and being with my kids at various social events. I had to make appointments and take them to doctors/dentists. Always and forever the cooking.. cleaning.. and shopping had to be done as well. Then of course there was school for them.. and all the help with homework and different school projects. While they were in school.. I had to work.. so....
........ movies??? | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 32 | |
| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:23:56 PM |
Having set aside most of my expectations in the interest of having a good time with whomever I meet, I am having a lot more fun
Yes, it seems I've ended up here, too.
But I've spent spent progressively less time on dates over the past 18 months.
And you ladies seem to like it
I'm not sure I agree with this, though.
The marriage thing still sits in the room like a pink elephant. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:52:53 PM | | Something I just realized.. don't know if this is an important detail or not.. but the men I have met in person never seemed to be concerned that I have been divorced for 20 years but the ones I chatted with online and never got around to meeting were concered and seemed to make a big deal about it. The last two I dated had been married multiple times.. and I got the impression they thought I was a pretty smart cookie.. because both of them were a little bit embarassed by the multiple divorces. I just acted like it was no big deal..but I was honest with them. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/21/2008 11:21:53 PM | Txsippigal, I understand what you are saying. I have been divorced since 1982. I refused to even date for several years, until my exhusband actually got married, because my goal was to have my family back together. Of course that didn't work out (which was for the best) and after dating off and on for 3-4 years, I went into a LTR of 14 years. By then I was 52 and felt that I never wanted to take a chance on being hurt again. That lasted for a couple of years then I was ready to meet someone new. I have dated some in the last 3 years then met someone that we are seeing each other exclusively and enjoying being together but not rushing into a commitment. When you reach your late 50's, we all use a bit of caution, I think.
But I have had one person on another pay dating site state that I seemed very nice and he thought I was attractive but that he had a problem with the fact that I had been divorce for so many years without ever remarrying. It seems that it is more acceptable to have had numerous divorces and flitted from one relationship to another for all of these years than to remain single until the RIGHT guy comes along. My exhusband is now on his 4th divorce, so I don't feel that he is all that happy. Some have been married to so many different people that I would get it confused who I was married to when some big event in my life happened. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:23:25 AM | Yeah.. I have run into that.. where they think you are strange not being married multiple times.. What gives.. do some people enjoy pain so much they can't live their lives without it?
LIke the old AA saying.. "OH they beat their head against a brick wall because it feels so good when they stop"..
Anyway.. pain is something I can do without if at all possible.. I am also someone who tries to be accountable and responsible with their lives. If someone has been married more than twice.. I think that they have issues.. especially if they don't admit to having issues. I do take responsiblity for not remarrying.. I could have.. but chose not to because I didn't think it was a good move with the particular candidate/candidates. Turns out in hindsight.. I was right at least for me.
As an example if I had married that guy I was engaged to.. I'd probably be dead today. A few years after our break up I came down with a mysterious cancer diagnosis.. I nearly died. Because I did not marry my fiance I ended up moving where I live now. And it was here that I found the hemotologist/oncologist who solved the medical mystery and saved my life. I would never have found him if I had moved to where my fiance was. I had to be in this place.. at that time.. to have met him. He had moved here about six month before I was admitted into the hospital and he left about a year after he solved the mystery.
One of the last men I dated had been married 3 times...and he told me that up front..and he told me why he had been a rotten husband. I think it was to let me know he had no intentions of marrying which was fine with me. He was a great date..generous with his money.. and we had a good time.. hehehe. Gee I wished he hadn't moved away. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:02:21 AM | Here's the deal with me, as far as I'm concerned. I've been divorced since 1987 (will be 21 years Thanksgiving). I've had a chance to remarry, but it wasn't the right person, nor the right time. Also, dating has been a bit quirky for me. I've never had children, I have no desire to have children. In my late 30's, 40's and even today, I would not date a guy with kids under the age of 18. So that in itself has limited my dating pool. Today, I don't view remarriage as a necessity, and it would have to take a very special man, that he and I have the same values, are on the same page, yet we do have our differences, which we respect and embrace, in order for me to remarry again.
I think folks need to focus less on the past, and if you're in a current relationship is to focus on that relationship. One can't undo the past, it's done, it's over. At the same time, I wouldn't want to hook up with someone that has a track record similar to Elizabeth Taylor (8+ marriages) or folks that get divorced, remarry, get divorced again.
Bottom line, if a man truly cares about you, he's going to focus on you. What you are about today. Yesterday won't matter. The future, he will look forward to. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:54:15 PM |
Something I just realized.. don't know if this is an important detail or not.. but the men I have met in person never seemed to be concerned that I have been divorced for 20 years but the ones I chatted with online and never got around to meeting were concered and seemed to make a big deal about it.
Well, there is your answer right there, Txs! ;O) The ones who you meet in "real life" are enamored by your personality, wit, humor, beauty, strength, etc...and are too blinded by such to worry about pithy things like how long you have been divorced! :)
Really, I think most people just view this as a red flag of sorts...like they would if someone had multiple marriages/divorces...if they have NEVER been married and are over 45...or any of the other bazillion things that makes us ponder, "Hmmm...something MUST be wrong with this person?" This is only amplified when they meet you and find you incredible! It's kinda like when someone says, "WHY is someone as incredible as you are, on a dating site? Why aren't you taken?" LOL (I always say, "Cause I am not up for grabs?!") And you will ROFLYAO on this ridiculous assumption....started seeing someone...a couple of dates...he said SOMETHING HAD TO BE wrong with me to stay unmarried for so long, and since he could not see anything as of yet, he could only come to the conclusion that I sucked in bed!!!!  Needless to say, I replied with, "Well...if this is reverse psychology to try and find out such...it ain't working!" | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:18:53 PM | From my perspective it's more about having been in a relationship as opposed to actual marriage. If one has been single, as in not having had a LTR, it's reasonable to conclude that either a relationship has not been a priority in their life or their demands/expectations are too high.
It's also reasonable to conclude that if a person prefers being in a relationship they will value one more than a person who is indifferent. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:29:00 PM | If a person is "indifferent" to relationships.. they won't put themselves in a position to ever be considered "in" a relationship. I would think that falls more then under the category of fwb.. if there is sexual activity between the two people. Not.. a loving caring relationship. IMO
I think the heading of LTR does not necessarily mean marriage.. but.. can also mean those that want a relationship leading to co-habitation. Defiining what LTR means to both individuals that's involved in the possibility of a relationship then.. is vital. JMO | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:19:36 PM | Personally, I don't think this is so unusual. Primarily because it's common for a woman, and sometimes a man, that has custody of children to put off dating till the kids are 18+.
It seems pretty unreasonable to be too concerned about someone that has been divorced/widowed for many years when that is such a common circumstance. --well, that's what I think, anyway...  | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:19:22 PM | Well just to let everyone know.. the only intimate LTR for me will be marriage..and that is the perspective that I am coming from.
Thanks Sue and Kat.. great words of encouragement..
My original thread was just to shed some light on this big mystery... Anything can be a red flag..
I am actually quite proud that I have only had one husband.[our break up was over drugs and alcohol and his infidelity] (we were actually married twice as well as twice divorced).. hmm you think that my up my chances if I tell people I have been married twice?? Hmmm I just might especially if they have been married twice too hahahaha rofl. hmmmm.
Goalie that is a good question.. I don't think I am that set in my ways.. I do live with a female roommate and that has actually been a challenge to live with someone.. for the last 4 years.. It had really knocked some rought edges off of me. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:29:24 PM | Thanks parrothead.. good words.. and you are so right..
A song comes to mind I think it was Garth Brooks who sang it but it was "Thank God for unanswered prayers".. sheesh.. that is it in a nut shell.
I hope I am single the rest of my life instead of being in a bad marriage.. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:13:14 PM | Blending large families with young children involved is more than some people (including me) want to deal with, and they will wait until their kids are over 18 before they look at getting involved again.
This is not the first time I've come across this type of thinking, it's been the norm. I don't understand it's narrowness. Most men don't want me because I have children. Won't even consider dating a single mother, well adjusted or not. I was floored - I still am to some extent at times. Where did it come from that there was only one way to love and that meant all under the same roof. It's not a criticism of that is that is what one wants, that's fine. What surprised me this time around was how many people are not at all open to anything but the marriage vows and same household, thereby being very dismissive and close-minded to something so vast and glorious as love. | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:19:36 PM | Respited...I dunno...been on both sides of this situation, and I do have some empathy of such, now. I have been in relationships where closeness was formed with kids...and it just makes it so much harder if it does not work out. Maybe that is thinking negatively, but for someone who may have already experienced this once, it makes you think about it beforehand.
I actually missed one ex's kids, more than I missed him! lol | |
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| Been Divorced along time.. will this inhibit me meeting a man for LTR?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:05:34 PM | | I'm not sure I understand. I don't think that a person would be any less committed if it were separate households and a loving caring relationship with time spent together rather than marriage. Introduction of children only comes when something is very solid. I use solid because I don't believe we ever have a guarantee of "forever after". But solid would be close to that tone. I've not come across that feeling of solid yet, my children being precious - introducing to not be taken lightly at all. Some people think that getting married means more...and that I find conflicting with my opinion of not limiting love. | |
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