| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:12:38 AM |
My time and energy is better spent identifying and counting green flags
ooh...clever answer codg. Wish that worked all the time. Lots of green flags to be seen, but the red ones are the ones that if left unheeded can lead to a disaster. I love your positive attitude though. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:00:45 PM | | Hey Artful Codger: Good for you! While there are "screeners" I use (ie, alcohol/drug use, felonies, and employment), I try to look for the good instead of the bad. I think you can get caught up in all the "red" that is flying around, but as soon as you eliminate that person, you are cutting off a golden opportunity to try or experience something new. This person could introduce you to a new hobby, a new perspective, or a new way of thinking. He/she might even teach you something about yourself! Happy fishing! | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:14:00 AM | I have a few red flags, but not a lot. Usually I just take time to get to know that person and see where it leads. If there's something thats going off in my mind saying "this person is incompatible", Ill usually ignore it for awhile. Its been about 50/50 doing that. Sometimes I find that I was judging too quick...other times my first instinct was right.
Also, it depends on how long its been since Ive been out with someone. The longer Ive been single, the less likely I am to pay attention to red flags. Sad, but true. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:43:15 AM | Let's just say my BS radar is at an all time high, like a K-9 drug sniffing dog. For a long time my friends told me I was far too trusting and naive and you know they were right. It somewhat saddens me, because as much as I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt and have faith in them it seems harder to do everyday.
I will still try and find the good in people, but now I will ask a few more questions. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/7/2008 6:37:47 PM | I think identifying the flags (red, yellow and green) is just a function of age. When you're young, you tend to either over-emphasize a particular colour (red or green) and ignore the rest. As you get more experience under the belt (scars on the heart?) You tend to find more of each colour and try to balance them into one meta-flag. And you get better at recognizing them.
Of course with the bright red, on fire and billowing smoke flags, we tend to run instead of break out the marshmallows.
GPSweetheart said it well: (excuse the para-phrase) you learn that sometimes the green flags just have cheap dye to cover the crimson (black flags?) | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:28:32 AM | I'm pretty good at listening to my instincts...and they are usually right. But, I certainly have ignored those little red flags that pop up. If they go up when I first meet somebody, then I definitely will pay attention and listen to them.
When you first meet somebody wonderful, they may not have those red flags exposed yet, so all you see is the good, wonderful things and you become attracted to the person. As time passes, slowly those red flags start going up, but you discount them because of all the sweet, wonderful things this guy has going for him...so, you give the benefit of the doubt and continue to ignore the red flags until they outnumber the green flags and his TRUE colors are showing...yah, I've been there, but hopefully, I am a little bit wiser now. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:52:47 AM | I read a really good book called "How to Avoid Dangerous Men" (or something similar) by Sandra Brown. Get it. And before you get offended that it's about "men"...the same principles can be applied to women. Men could read it too and learn.
In the book, the author talked extensively about red flags. Bottom line, they're there for a reason. AND if you've ever been in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, you've learned to dismiss your red flags, or you've learned that it's not worth the trouble of mentioning your red flags...for whatever reason, previous relationships may dull your red flag system.
I've given this a lot of thought. No one is perfect. BUT listening to your red flag system isn't about being picky. It's about self preservation. I can be friends or friendly with a lot of people and they don't have to be perfect.
I have different expectations for someone with whom I build a romantic attachment than for a simple friend or acquaintance. If the end goal is to have a life-long fulfilling relationship with one person, then I have to examine that person's fitness mentally, financially, and socially. A break in that chain will drain you and eventually sink you.
So yeah...listen to those red flags early on. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:06:46 AM | Big time heeding of the red flag and the fun stops if there is any indication of illegal drug usage, alcoholism, anti depressants, a history of being involved with He-Shes or a criminal history involving more then a paid speeding ticket.
Other then that it's green flag racing and fun all the way....... | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:39:27 AM | I find that I learn over time what to watch for. Age and experience have a lot to do with our screening methods. I find the internet a very useful tool in the fact that we get to ask those questions that we find helpful before we agree to meet a person. It's easier to ask those questions that tell us about certain qualities of a person on the internet rather than in person on a first date.
I am aware of red flags and generally heed them. I find there are different levels of red flags and I have to evaluate each one as to whether the person has another quality that could possibly outweigh the possible 'red flag' I suspect. I use percentages a lot. There are a few things that are an obvious and immediate NO, but there are other qualities that I cannot really judge a person on until I get to know them a little bit better and I will not write them off until I explore that side of them a bit more. We have to know what we want but at the same time not write someone off for something we 'suspect' without too much proof. In my case, what I suspect often proves to be true in time, but I am willing to explore to see - to give them a chance. We just have to be smart. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:23:34 AM | | I've learned the hard way to always pay attention to my intuition and to avoid any red flag situations. I may thoroughly examine the feeling to be sure it's not caused by my own issues rather than something about the person triggering it, but usually my intuition is correct for both positive and negative impressions. Even if it turns out to be MY issue, that usually just means I'm not ready in some way to deal properly with the situation I'm facing. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 2:06:28 PM | ~OT~ I'm a gut instinct person. If things don't feel quite right, they probably aren't. I don't discredit those thoughts/feelings, and rarely do I waste any time in figuring out exactly what's bugging me. I don't pretend it's "just in my mind" anymore. I don't call them red-flags ~ I call it common sense.  | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:12:25 PM | I have a set of rules, or guidelines for who I date. I'm willing to bend *one* but two is a red flag. Any time I've EVER broken my rules I've ended up with the short end of the stick.
And no, I will not share my rules... | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:58:59 PM | Hi Everyone,
I agree a lot with Kalyngem... well I agree a lot with most all of you. lol
But... never wanting to talk on the phone, and living 15 minutes from you and
putting off meeting you though they text 50 times a day...
AND not contacting you past "work hours", and...
DEFINATELY repeated request for "sexy pics" or lots MORE pics,
are for me definate "red flags".
A couple of years ago... I talked with a man for quite a while, really grew very
fond of him... not "thinking" I DID send him many pics, no nudes, thank goodness...
anyway... I ended up (well afriend of mine did) coming across my own pics with new name... He was a scammer.
Though he never asked me for money, he used my face and much of my writings
to him to scam another MAN... people just have no conscience these days,
and if you have children especially *(i've a 15 yr old son)... it's REALLY important
not to send any "racy" pics to someone you've never met. It would be awful for
my 15 yr. old to see racy pics of his mom on the net... ya know.
There are a LOT of men that contact me and act like they are just crazy about me.
Which is another red flag also... when someone "falls" soooooo quick, but makes
no real effort to meet you or call you.... they're faking it for a reason.
What helps me is... to separate myself for a moment, and think...
"If they are NOT who/what they say they are... then i'm not loosing anything."
When I make it CLEAR, that never will I share sexy pics with a man i've never met.
I usually don't hear from them again.
which is a good thing I think. lol
I do listen to my gut... only I call it "the spirit of truth". And we all have it.
This is cool though... I like this site. grin.
cheers~
DeAnna
~Let the good times roll~ | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:07:55 PM | I used to not heed them. I used to blindly go with it, giving the "benefit of the doubt" as you say, but to put it really simply, as the site states... there are PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA!! :)
I think we spend so much time trying to accomodate others, and that's fine to a point, but if your gut is telling you to run, you're probably right! I think also that we as women are taught to "be nice" - and it often gets us in situations we don't want to be in, because although we were completely entitled to say "no thanks", we wanted to "be nice".
Take for example the bullet I just dodged... met a guy here on POF, called him EVEN THOUGH he gave me his number on the very first email and was like "OMG CALL ME". Flattered, I did so, we talked a little bit and boy was he ever... EAGER. RED FLAG ALERT!! But fine, no problem... but I swore to be wary.
Well I agreed to a date, and had to cancel last minute due to a friend's sudden car crisis, and got a voice mail saying how he "wasn't saying I was lying" but that "maybe he said something wrong", blah blah, all despondent and down on himself. Well RED FLAG #2 (#1 was the overeager phone #) was HELLO MR. NEEDY McLOWSELFESTEEM, RED FLAG #3 was when I called him back saying "no it wasn't you, there was an accident" he was suddenly "up" again. Realizing that this guy was really either a) bipolar (which, you know, he can't help if he is but still) and/or b) in need of a mommy/fixer (no time for that, I'm sorry!), I let him down gently (because hello 3 strikes and you're out buddy!) and wished him luck in his search...
...and he replied with "FINE I DON'T LIKE BEING LIED TO ANYWAY, HASTA BIMBO".
The moral of the story, of course, being PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE RED FLAGS!!!! If your gut is saying RUN then RUUUUUN!!!! javascript:smilie(' ')
javascript:smilie('') | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:29:52 PM | | I think at some point or another we are all hit with red flags. I guess I have noticed as I have grown older I handle them differently. In my younger years, I would over look quite a bit. Now if I happen to have a red flag pop up, I am blunt enough to just come right out and ask about it rather than assume. Usually the answer makes my decision. If there are too many red flags, I will leave it as a friendship.... that way its not a total loss. I guess in my older age I just dont put up with nearly as much as I used to. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:16:48 PM | I guess it depends. Unfortunately I have tended to overlook them....even when they are blaring. Even at my age its still easy to just "go caveman" and fall for some eye candy even when u see there's no way it'll work.
With a few of the girls ive talked to lately it was obviously Mission Impossible but I tried anyway, lol.
typical hardheaded male I guess | |
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