|
|
|
|
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:49:03 PM | Wow, everyone has been so especially kind in their responses, thank-you!
I know at my young age, it may not be right to keep making sacrifices for another individual I'm not even wed to. Yet, he is one of those genuine "good guys" that I don't want to let go of do to circumstances beyond our control (like jobs, law school, etc...).
True, one year apart shouldn't matter...but that leads me to other questions like what if I like my new job and life too much to come back? We can't do long distance forever. And also we'd both be developing and growing as individuals instead of a couple. What if after a year we're not the same people we used to be and no longer have the desire to get engaged/move in together/whatever?
The early to mid twenties is such a trying time for relationships as you are trying to set your own path but don't want to leave anyone behind...there is this fear of going forward and giving up your dreams because you may lose the one you love due to the aforementioned experiences....but there is also this fear that you won't carve your own path and identity, too.
I would just hate to take the job and possibly lose the boyfriend, who is a true gem. But I would hate to give up this opportunity and always wonder "what if". He is constantly reassuring me one year won't matter...I just hope it is only one year and we're still the same people when we reunite. Such a hard decision...
Aughhh... | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:09:34 PM | Men and women are everywhere. Leave him. You'll find someone else once you get up there. He's going to feel badly anyway knowing that you gave up your dream job to stay with him. I would leave and try to make things work, but if worse comes to worse...you'll find someone else anyway.
Love: The illusion that one woman (or man) differs from another. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:41:37 PM | I was in a long distance relationship the first year of law school, and I had two other friend (one guy, one girl) at school who were also long distance with their SO. We all got very good grades!
I also had friends at law school who were married or living with their SO, and that year was very hard on their partner.The fact is, first year can be stressful and it's sometimes better to have some space to be sloppy, stressed out, smell...and then get all your work done and spiffed up for your visit with the SO, which will be all excited talk and a really wonderful time in an island of stress.
It sounds like you have a great opportunity. You should take it, let him start law school a year before you (he'll have great advice for you in your first year) and I bet that year will just fly by, considering how busy you'll both be with your respective projects.
It's scary, but I say go for it! | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:56:10 AM | You said you "were" in a long distance relationship during your 1L...do you believe it ended because of that reason or due to a host of other issues?
Not meaning to pry, just trying to get a comprehensive picture of what I'm up against I suppose... | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:17:57 AM | My relationship ended for other reasons. He was in Switzerland, older than me, etc. We talked about breaking up outright, for practical reasons, but since we got along so well, we just thought it made more sense to try things long distance, even though we kinda both knew it was doomed.
I moved to Boston for law school, and didn't know many people here. As it turned out, having someone who cared about me, and someone who I thought of as special, even though he wasn't around but for every few months was really good for me at the time, because it let me focus on school and not "dating."
My other girlfriend in law school married her long distance boyfriend and they are still married. My guy friend from law school transferred back to DC and finished law school there, stayed with his girlfriend for a year and a half and then they broke up.
In every case, I think the relationship had it's own life and the distance was really irrelevant. But I also think in every case the relationship, whether temporary or destined for marriage, helped where law school was concerned.
So, I think if your concern is, will my boyfriend be out there dating other girls while I'm away, I think this is much less likely to happen if he's in law school, than if he's just hanging around for a year. Same goes for you, I think you'll be very focused on work.
How far apart will you be? If you can get to each other by Bus or Train (i.e., Boston/NY or NY/Philly) It's almost like you live in the same town anyway. | |
|
| |
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:15:44 PM | OP,
Every time I see this question or one like it,(job-vs-SO) the Abraham Lincoln quote
"I can make more Generals, but horses cost money!" comes to mind. Jobs are hard to find these days, and good ones are very rare.
If it's meant to be, he'll come looking for you, with a law degree in hand. Don't throw away the job for an iffy relationship. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/26/2008 2:47:48 PM | Ok, how about I reword my question...
Say I take the job. The boyfriend has been nothing but supportive but I know that deep down, he really wants me to move in with him. As a man, how offended would you be that a girlfriend you thought would be moving in with you decided at the last moment to take a job very, very far away, even if she would be at that job for only a year?
Would you hold it against her and take it personally? Or would you recognize it as simply plans changed and she wants to pursue this interest, too before settling down and creating a home? | |
|
vro312
|
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/26/2008 2:55:21 PM | I'm not a man, but I am a human and as a result, I am cursed with self-awareness (to varying degrees) and endless choices.
So, if I were a man, and I really wanted my girlfriend to move in with me, and she told me she was moving a long way away for a job, I would realize that there's a chance I might lose her. And instead of acting hurt about it, I would ask her to marry me.
It seems to me that you are approaching this situation as though *you* are the only one who has choices. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/26/2008 3:24:27 PM | OP,
Take the job. Don't let fear of the unknown stop you. If you and your S/O are meant to be together, then it will work out. If not....in all honesty, you are only 23 years old. If it doesn't work out with your bf, it would hurt, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. You would have plenty of time to find someone. Believe me, there are plenty of other "gems" out there waiting to be discovered by someone like you.
If your boyfriend tells you to go but deep down inside wants you to move in, to me, that is not honesty. If he can't be open with how he REALLY feels about something like this, how would it be further down the line? And if he held it against you, what would that say about him, really? That he holds grudges and is unforgiving? That doesn't sound all that great to me.
You need to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and start living your life for YOU. No one can plan their life in an exact manner. You have to leave some wiggle room.
So start wiggling already!
 | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:04:39 PM | To me your decision is less important than you might think. I had a renter move out ten years ago to go to Munich for a job. She was back within 10 days of leaving because the work environment was something she couldn't hack. You may decide, however, 3 months down the road, that you and your boyfriend are growing apart, and see that it can't continue - even if you are living together. I think either way there are no guarantees. Yet, at the same time either way, things could work out famously, also.
My experience of living a continent apart AFTER the engagement, marrying two weeks after I returned is that we had mastered the long distance relationship (i.e. sharing of the highlights of our existence, discussing issues at length in a relatively non-threatening way because of the distance), but we missed on how to click together as a unit. We missed out on the ability to determine who would clean what when, and how daily interaction would function.
Given the stress of graduate school and the first job, you are likely wherever you are located to need "couple" time that is planned to fit around whatever you do. In my case graduate school stress was followed by tenure stress, children came along and we balanced child-care activities between the two of us very well, but we neglected that "getting to know the continually evolving partner" business.
To me the rephrased question still has the same answer as your initial answer. I was in love with my fiance when I left for Europe, I wasn't worried about what she would do, or how her need to finish her degree impacted us. But I did forgo the time that we could have spent more profitably determining that we had serious communication issues and not gloss over them, because there was a lovely lady 5000 miles away.
I vote for a well-informed decision on the basis of how you interact with your boyfriend in discussing the separation. Most of us still pick up the pieces even if we make a "wrong" decision. It is part of life. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:14:59 PM | OP, what do you really want to do with your life?
You should talk to him about it and see what he has to say...maybe you both could compromise, but that's hard to do unless you communicate.
Personally, i think long distance puts enormous stress on a relationship. I really don't know many success stories that have come out of dating long distance, but i do know a lot of relationships ending because of it.
I made a choice to stay single (more or less) when i was studying, because i knew there was a good chance my future job would require me to move away. So i did stay single, moved away and had a great job. Now i'm 35, still unmarried and back to where i grew up. Hind sight is 20-20...lol. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:38:26 PM | i think jaslene has a good head on her shoulders....she seems to see both aspects of the wheel and is weighing her options sensibly & not abruptly...
despite the cliches of the world, yes u may be 23 but u seem wiser than some 43 yr olds....some older adults can't make wise decisions. just b/c you're 23 doesn't mean u haven't found your soulmate. i'm not saying marry him now nor am i saying drop him but the only thing u can do is do what u really feel you're lead to....unfortunately, we cannot see our future...we can only just make decisions in this life & to where it leads us....we don't know....live for the moment....life never gets longer so whichever decision u choose, may it be joyous one! | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:02:33 PM | Listen OP you have every reason to be scared. The stories you've heard about law school killing relationships (delayed effect) are true. Been in your BF's exact position years back. You really don't want to climb into that pressure cooker that he going to be in. He'll want you and need your companionship but more out of a stress born neediness because of the situation. When the education is over he's off in the wind. Bar exam, new job, relocation and you guys will be getting divorced in short order.
Take the job | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:10:16 PM | I'd recommend taking the job. It's a year, and that year will go by quickly. You'll both be extremely busy, so there will be little time for the relationship whether you do or do not, if you're both focusing on the priority of the moment.
After a year, get back together (and no doubt you'll see each other a few times at least in the interim) and see how you both feel about each other. The separation may confirm your choice, or not - but at least you'll be much the wiser and more experienced, and have no regrets about sacrificing a career move that could pay off wonderfully later.
If you really are right for each other, a year isn't that much time at your age, IMO. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:43:34 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^Yes, clambroth makes a valid point and so does Zentral. The fact is, you probably have less of a risk of losing your boyfriend after he goes through the pressure cooker of law school if you ALSO pursue your career and go through a pressure cooker of your own. After three years in law school, he'll change alot and if you haven't, you two may have trouble relating.
You're both young and in store for many changes in life, so don't be afraid to change. If it's meant to be, you guys will stay together. | |
|
| Great job offer...would take me away from love. Advice?
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:01:42 AM | Clambroth-
Did you have a girlfriend/wife while in law school? Did anyone have a relationship not killed by law school when you attended? Do you believe that those relationships would have ended anyways and law school simply hastened their demise or did law school kill genuinely strong relationships? | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
