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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/25/2008 5:17:00 PM | Even if you had a kid in your 20s, there's no guarantee you wouldn't get sick or pass away young. There's no guarantee things will ever work out perfectly.
If you really want kids and you want to be a dad, you're already likely to be a better parent than many. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/25/2008 10:40:57 PM | I'll add this to the list here: I had my kids when I was 28 and 30 (in my 1st marriage)...my current GF is 47, never married, and definitely wants a family. The funny thing is, I didn't realize until after my divorce that I wanted more kids, so I'm definitely looking forward to it! Of course, we'll be adopting-but that makes absolutely no difference to me, as I'm 1/2 adopted.
I think that "parenting" is something that is not defined by age, money, or education; it comes from the heart and soul of the person doing it.
BTW: General Douglas MacArthur became a father for the 1st time at age 59. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:55:34 PM | I spoke with Tony Randal about this after he had his kids in his late 70s with his second, 20s something wife. He said that it made him the happiest he has ever been in his life and he did not regret it. He loved his kids and of course left them with his wife when he died, having provided very well for all of them.
We never know how long we will be here in this life. We never know who we may meet along the way nor WHEN.... We all die too soon and there are too many of us on this planet. Our society is headed "south" in so many ways and often it seems that children will be brainwashed no matter how you protect them these days....
Yet... no - I say have the kids if it is in a loving relationship with someone you love. Have them, if you can provide for them, if you have something to teach of value and raise a good person when you are gone - and leave the world a better place for having someone you loved remember you. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/26/2008 2:16:30 AM | not at all, IMO about best age to be a father is between 30 and 50.
at 44
1. you have probably life experience, resources (financial, social, cultural), that 20-30 years men usually don't have...,
2. still have enough energy to raise children. 50-60 your health and activity levels to care about the child's needs...after all that would mean by the child is 20, a that old man would be between 70-80 age range.
good luck for the "project" | |
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j1994
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Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 55 | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:38:00 PM | Thanks one and all. I feel validated, loved, and honored by all your reponses. I think it's time to close this thread down. Any dissenters?
-Chris | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:50:23 PM | Why the desperate need for children? I don't understand a man or a woman over 40 wanting to have children. Get married and start a family? When you get married you have started a family.
I always wanted a family of my own, but never had a strong desire to have children. I love all of my children dearly, but had I been told at a young age that I couldn't have children, it would have been fine with me. I still want to have a family of my own.
As to your age, do you not understand that children take a lot of energy? If you are not involved with anyone now, you could end up being in your 50's before there was a child. I am saying this based on the idea that it would take time to meet someone, that you would date them for a time before you married them, that after you married them you would want to establish your family before you tried to have a child, and that it takes almost a year to have a child. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/26/2008 7:30:44 PM | Understood. Thank you for tweaking my already loudly-ticking biological clock!
Yes, I DO understand about children. I raised my little brother, pretty much solo, and I have always had lots of people to take care of.
I have always wanted children, it just never worked out. Lots of pain in that statement.
Thank you for sharing your opinion, but please understand that I have a different view. I know what I want, and that's it.
As for the time involved, well, some things just can't be rushed, I guess.
"Maybe if we talk to the Poloroid people, we can get something done a bit quicker; you know, kiss your wife and POOF; baby!" (thanks Bill Cosby! )
As for "Why the desperate need", I honestly do not know. Spent years examining it logically and ratioanlly, and could find no answer. Guess I'm not a Vulcan after all.
There are chapters to my story that I have not shared; maybe if you knew more about me, things would make a bit more sense to you, but while I am open and honest as best I can be at all times, there are still some pain that is private, and reserved for a more intimate connection.
Thank you for your feedback, and I am very glad that you are happy with your family and your life. May you continue to be so for a very long time.
-Chris | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:12:19 PM | I think 44 could be the best time to become a Dad. The following, which you mentioned are fantastic reasons:
"I am physically healthy, not the ugliest fella in the world, a good job, a house, nice cars, stable, financially secure, a good cook, and GREAT in bed..."
You're probably more mature and more patient than a younger man, which are the qualities we want in a father. You might even be more likely to stick around than someone younger with itchy feet. As long as you are focused on keeping yourself healthy, I say go for it! | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:47:36 PM | No 44 is not too old. Pablo Picasso had children in his 70's and was quite happy. I'm 38 and I plan on having kids with the right guy. I hear the negative stuff too, but I could care less! Negativity is about the person spuring it and not me.
Chrisgraves999, you have to understand people are telling you more about THEM than you when they say these negative things. They probably have regrets about being parents or not being parents and they project that on to you. All that matters is how YOU feel about having children. A lot of people are jealous of people who wait to have children from what I can tell.
I had opportunities in the past to have children, but I could not in good conscience have children with those partners. My mother had me without a father and it caused a lot of pain for people. I only want to have children with a man who is 100% with me on the project.
No you are not too old and NEVER let anyone tell you otherwise. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/27/2008 7:49:43 PM | Not too old.
After seeing similar threads pop up it always breaks down into two camps, and not suprisingly they generally have the same experiences.
A.) Those who had their kids young and struggled, and are now in the position that they don't want any more and are happy to 'start living their lives', will say you're too old and that you're being selfish, and that you'll "not have the energy" to deal with them properly.
B.) Those who focused on a career and education and who now find themselves at a similar point in their lives. They also have the time and resources to devote to a child and will tell you "go for it". | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:07:34 PM | The thing about Tony Randall is that his wife (who was 20 something at the time) will be there for those kids. So will his millions of dollars. I hardly think that scenerio is likely to apply to your everyday Joe. I mean come on!
No, we have no guarantees in this life and I could walk out the door and get hit by a bus on my way to the mailbox. Sad, but true. What the OP is proposing is slightly less up to "fate" as it were. We're talking about making a conscious decision to bring a new life into this world, when the parent isn't likely to see that child to adulthood. That's the cold hard fact. Yes, I think it's somewhat selfish to bring a child into the world when it's future could be thus affected.
How sad for that child if his father isn't there at his high school graduation, or there to share his wedding day, or a million other days. Losing a parent at any age is horrible, hopefully most of you don't know what that's like yet. Losing a parent when you're still a child; that's tragic.
To the poster a few posts above me: Yes, I'm coloring this based on my personal experience. My parents didn't intentionally set out to have a baby in their later years, but the result was the same. Life can be scary when you have aging parents, especially when you're a small child. Sorry you don't agree; I'm telling you how it was first hand. You don't like the negativity? Bummer, because that's how it was. You can stick your fingers in your ears and say "la la lah la" too, if you wish.
Anyway, I did notice that this thread has degenerated into the OP flirting and replying only to females who agree with him. It's hard to take the OP seriously at this point, since the thread isn't a discussion as much as a chit chat flirt session.
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:12:42 PM | "How sad for that child if his father isn't there at his high school graduation, or there to share his wedding day, or a million other days. Losing a parent at any age is horrible, hopefully most of you don't know what that's like yet. Losing a parent when you're still a child; that's tragic."
What about all the kids raised by their grandparents, because their parents were too busy to do it? There really is no "perfect" time to have children, whether you are young or old.
I don't think the OP is going to have to wait until he is 70 to have a child either. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:49:03 PM |
What about all the kids raised by their grandparents, because their parents were too busy to do it? There really is no "perfect" time to have children, whether you are young or old.
That really has little to do with the OP, but I'll answer, since you directed it at me -
No, there is no perfect time to have a baby, that much is true. There are however, more ideal times to have them, such as when your fertility is effected by age or your potential child faces health issues due to his mother being older. Not even to mention that the mother herself faces many health issues that could result in great harm to herself or her child in utero.
Ugly view of it? Yes, but also practical.
I have no idea what you're referring to about Grandparents raising kids because the parents are too busy to do it. I'm assuming you're speaking of grandparents babysitting, or the like. I suppose it would be better to have Grandma babysit while the parents are at work than to have a mom old enough to be a grandma, and not have the energy or health to work. If I had to choose one, I'd choose the former, not the latter. To be young enough that my Mom and Dad were still here so the child would even have Grandparents.
I can't imagine what my life would have been like with no grandparents.
Like I said in my first post, I've quite decided not to have more children because I wouldnt' intentionally do that to a child. I don't want to leave the child before it's grown, or to give birth to a child with major health issues all because I decided this late in the game to have another baby. I've decided it isn't worth risking my life, or the child's life, just so I can experience all the wonders of being a new mom again.
Which leads me back to your initial statement that there is no perfect time to have a child. Again, I agree. If we (as parents) waited for every little thing to be perfect, many of us would not have had children at all. Sometimes life is ironic like that.
As my mother said, it would be like going to the store and intentionally buying milk that expired yesterday. Sometimes it's okay, most of the time, things are wrong with the milk. Too risky in my opinion.
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:01:20 AM | I hope not. I'm 42 and don't have any kids yet. :( But my dad gave me a half sister when I was 26 and I have a aunt thats only 2 years older than me  | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:37:55 AM | OP my grandmother was 44 when she had my father. She died suddenly when she was 82, but had generally been healthy her whole life, well and able to raise three children mostly on her own. If you are ready on all levels to become a parent then I don't think you are too old.
People are waiting until later in life to have children nowadays. It makes sense to wait until one is more financially stable and truly ready to give up the freedom that comes with not having children. I've come across too many people who regret having children when they did and still mourn their single life years later. Children pick up on this.
My parents had me quite young (mom was 19 and dad was 24) and I remember the times they struggled with the responsiblity not to mention the drain on what little financial resources they had accumulated at that point. I couldn't take music lessons, enroll for any sports teams or go away to summer camp or overnight school trips like the other children I grew up with because there was never enough money to do anything extra-curricular. I don't even think we had television for years...lol
There are pros and cons to being young vs. older parents. Either way there are no guarantees. I wouldn't base the decision on age alone.
Good luck to you!
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:22:16 PM | | Mum had my little sister at 50. Thankfully everything turned out okay and now my sister is almost 18. So no, if you're ready for father hood, 44 is not too old as long as you can provide for the child properly. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:40:57 PM | angel- there are lots of kids being raised by their grandparents- my brother has 2 teenagers who are so lucky they are being raised bytheir grandmother- not their own parents!
like I said before; my grandmother was 37, grandfather 44 when my mom was born(mom claims grandpa could still outrun her when she was 15)- I'm their youngest grandchild and they both lived to see my graduation(and beyond). Grandpa lived long enough to see 6 great grandkids- grandma lived to see 9- as you were saying??
And what about the handicapped(example- wheelchair bound) or little people who could have average size children- would you say they shouldn't have kids?
As long as both parents stay active- they will have lots of energy! | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:50:07 PM | | I'm a single dad to 2 girls aged 4 & 5, and a boy 10 years old, both my parents are in their mid 80's, and I'm 49, so my answer is obvious, lots of miles left in me, and I do believe that the kids keep me feeling young and fit. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:29:59 AM | elfwitch, No one ever said that wheelchair bound or handicapped people shouldn't have children, least of all me. Now, if you'd like to disagree with what I've posted, that's fine, but to debate using points I've never made; tends to get me a bit defensive.
To me it all boils down to intentionally bringing a child into the world, whom you may not see to adulthood. Add to that the increase of risk to self and child; it seems rational to me; a gamble I'm not willing to take. I wont do it, for my reasons.
Just because I feel that way doesn't mean that everyone else should too. I'm one hundred percent good with you (or anyone else) having a different opinion. When I first posted to this thread, I thought the OP wanted opinions on both sides and I do have a strong opinion, based on my own experience with this scenario.
PS Not all health issues are due to lack of exercise, but I get your point. (i.e. staying active = energy). You're very fortunate to have had such a lovely family life despite your grandparents age when they had your father. Not everyone is so very lucky. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:13:28 PM | OK, aspiring angel,
The "OP" would like to say a few things.
First, I apologize if the fact that I was flirting and chatting on this site bothers you, but I was under the impression that flirting and chatting (and eventually other things) was what POF was all about.
Second, I have responded to both males AND females, both in agreement and not. Many of my responses were private emails; many more than were shown here on this forum. Your assumptions are faulty.
Third, you are entitled to your opinion, and I thank you for sharing it; however, it would be irrational for you to be shocked by the fact that some of the other contributors take umbrage at your statements. Having children is a very personal matter, and there is much emotion involved.
Fourth, about your last statement "...but to debate using points I've never made; tends to get me a bit defensive..."; it seems to me you were a bit defensive from the start.
I don't know why you are so angry, but I do know that you have the absolute right to be as angry as you wish. If yelling at me will help to drain some of that poison from your soul, then I consider it my honor and privilege to assist you in this fashion.
I spent many many years of my life being angry, for many good reasons. Shall we compare scars? One time, when I was 11, my stepfather got mad at me for not cleaning the cat litter box properly, and proceeded to break all 10 of my fingers, one by one. This was not the worst thing that he ever did, nor was it the last.
When I was 24, I was working for Uncle Sam as a sniper. I planned my entire military career so that one day I would be capable of, and in a position to, exact the revenge I so desired. The fateful day came; I had tracked him down. I had him on the phone, and suddenly something clicked. Some of the teachings I had heard over the years; (heard but not REALLY heard), came to me. Things like "Anger is an acid which destroys it's container", and "All life is sacred", "When you seek revenge, dig two graves", etc., etc., and finally "Forgive them, Father; they know not what they do." I said goodbye, wished him well, and hung up. I never went back.
Soon after, I became a monk, and spent 12 years in meditation, therapy, and prayer. During that time and after, I spent many many days helping others; giving back. I counseled the worst of the worst; convicts, murders, rapists, and child sex offenders. I led groups in Anger Management, and Cyclic Behavior, and REBT. I wiped tears from the eyes of people the world has cast out.
It was only 4 years ago that I began living for ME again; got a regular job, began dating, got a dog, started eating meat, drinking beer... it has been a very long road, but one that was necessary, and of which I am very proud.
So you see, when I WAS a younger man, I was in no shape to be a father. Now I believe that I am in better shape, mentally, emotionally, physically, than 90% of those who are becoming fathers (and mothers) every day.
I share these very personal things with you to let you know that I am NOT upset with you for your opinion, and that I honor and respect your reasons, and that I truly hope that one day you are able to get a better handle on whatever it is that is hurting you so bad.
You ended with "Not everyone is so lucky".... I know, dear; very few of us WERE that lucky.
We do not have to be bound by our past, unless we so choose.
Sincerly,
Chris | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:47:43 PM | I agree with the OP that the decision to have kids is VERY personal- and saying that you wouldn't- is different than saying that nobody should. You fall into the latter. The gist of your argument seems to be that older people(ouch) can't keep up with kids; or could die at any minute. It doesn't seem to matter to you what anybody else's experiences were( grandma had mom at home- in 1942- and premature)- I'm not going to change my mind because of an angry person who I'm never going to meet.
OP- don't apologise- flirting helps keep us young! | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:13:01 AM | Dear OP, I am not an angry person, nor did I say (as the next poster asserts) that the main reason older people imho shouldn't have children was energy to keep up with them or that nobody should. Dying before they're grown; birth defects; health issues for mom....those were my main points. You don't agree? Fine, people disagree all the time. I never stated that handicapped people or little people should not have children. It's a bit frustrating to have words and ideas subscribed to me, that I never said.
OP the reason I stated that it seemed you were only replying and flirting with the ladies was because your last four posts were flirts, not comments on the thread. I didn't say I had a problem with that, only that it was hard to take you seriously since you were no longer discussing the topic.
You may choose to read my posts any way you wish, but please know I am not angry nor inflexible. I have no idea where you get that idea. As I said in my last post, I'm totally okay if you and everyone else in the room disagrees with my position. If all the over 40 crowd went out and procreated this very second, it would mean what to me? I know how I feel and why I feel that way.
The problem with the printed word, is you cannot sense another persons emotions or the inflections of voice that would naturally cue you in to their intent.
Whatever you choose to do OP, best wishes. Like I said in my opening post, I hope you take the things I said into consideration; I never suggested there was only one correct answer or opinion. I spoke of myself, my reasons and my choice - for ME. I'm 39 and my SO wants more children; the main points of my posts; I'm not going to bring another baby into the world - How anyone twists that to become me telling anyone else what to do or being angry or saying that handicapped people shouldn't have babies....wow, just wow.
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