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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/17/2008 1:00:22 AM | In my cruising of the forums, I happened across a post from Rune 3 that is so choked with wisdom that I asked her for her permission to post it in my "forgiveness thread" but since I feel it is such an empowering message, I hope she will not mind if I post it here as well. Thank you Rune!!! You are an illumination for so many broken hearts!!!
Here is her post:
Abuse happens to both men and women. It happens to loving souls who are steady/strong enough to endure emotional and/or physical suffering and to forgive over and over, unable to believe that the person they have come to love (usually abuse will gradually surface after a period of time) is not trying just as hard as they are to make the relationship work.
The abuser will pretend that their suffering is equal to that of their target; that their anger is the result of emotional torment caused by the behaviour of the target. The target, having been isolated from friends and family and being the type of person to take their own personal responsibility very seriously and to think the best of others, is led to believe that they are to blame for everything that happens and that the abuser loves them but struggles to cope with certain things -- their loving response to which is to forgive and to try to support the abuser through these 'problems'.
Sometimes, relationships are mutually abusive and the 'desirable' woman is just as abusive to the man she is with, if not more so. Abusers can be brilliant at being charming and portraying themselves as the injured party to those outside of the relationship. Successful and attractive women definitely do attract abusers as a challenge -- abuse is strongly connected with the abuser's feelings of not being in control of their own life and they get a buzz from having control over others who managed to achieve what they would have liked to achieve. Everyone knows that success is small defence against the universally human feelings of insecurity and uncertainty and these can always be played upon.
Enticing people is not going to be hard when you don't give a damn about making a genuine connection. People tell you what they want and if you are setting out to attract someone, you can put on the act, motivated by the buzz you get out of being in control of the situation and manipulating them. The most powerful tool is probably "I love you!" -- people believe that because they want to and loving and sincere men and women could not dream of saying that without it meaning something very profound and respond to it as such.
I feel very sorry for abusers -- there must be something very wrong in their heads -- besides their cruelty and deceit, they have given up on ever being loved for who they are inside, never giving it a chance to happen. Targets can learn from one experience with one abuser and move on; I don't think abusers learn and move on -- not without serious psychological therapy. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 10/15/2008 3:06:05 AM | | she started with little kicks,then it got worse.the drinking the mental abuse.the way she tret our four kids.the lies all hurt towards me and our kids.i didnt find out about my children until i left her.two live with me,my eldest son never sees her,his son doesnt know her.i got grief when i left her and thats 6 years ago.she hounded me through the csa,she lied to them,they believed her,i was well robbed.i had 15years of torture,was married 21 years.you will never get over it.but you will live with it,and move on.i put it behind me,it reared last week at my daughters wedding,so it gets fresh in your mind when a do comes up.her family was there and she crawled all over me,it was elm street,my hole body crawled.so nice in front of her family,like before i married her.im on this dating site and i dnt know how to talk to women,im ok face to face.i found it very helpful to talk about it,it will deminish in time.its hard for me because my kids got it as well.bury your life in your kids and grandkids.some one will swipe you off your feet,and turn pain into joy.my ex wants me back,in her dreams,in her case night mares.good luck and take care...x | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 10/16/2008 8:30:36 AM | it reared last week at my daughters wedding,so it gets fresh in your mind when a do comes up.her family was there and she crawled all over me,it was elm street,my hole body crawled.so nice in front of her family,like before i married her.
Uggg...visions of Freddy Cruger on that description!
Don't worry about talking to women - just make the time to heal proper and the rest will come in it's own time. There's a lot to heal from in the shortest of abusive relationships - even more on a much deeper level after 15 years of torture.
Good post, Mickyf and thank you for your courage in sharing. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:48:41 AM | Ok... So I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, I was 17 when it started. I was young and Impressionable, I thought I was in love, When in fact I was proberly in love with the idea of being in love. This Guy was the First person I'd had a real relationship with and at first things were great, or so I thought. Looking back now This guy had control over me from a very early stage in our relationship, in a way that you dont notice maybe even in a way that you consider sweet. "He's only looking out for me" Or "he's only showing he cares" But it's not them looking out for you or even caring for you, Its them having control!
Another part of control for them is "Oh that skirts a bit short" or "That tops abit low cut". So you dress in a way that you think is really nice only to be told "Go and get changed its to tarty" so that next time you dress in a way that THEY want you to dress, that gives them even more control.
After they have gained control over you they start to alienated you from friends and family, They make you believe that no-body else wants you, They make you feel like everbody else hates you. They also makeyou feel like you dont need anyone else but THEM? why do they do this?... They do this so they can control you that little bit more, Now you have no friends around or no family around You Rely on them compleatly, you have no one to talk to so you will remain silent. So now they have control over what you wear and who you see, surely there is nothing else they can control?
Wrong... "You cant eat that it will make you fat" "Nobody wants a fat girl" the little comments are the commets that stick, the comments that you go over in your head when lying wide awake in bed because your too scared to sleep, Too scared to sleep because you wore something wrong today so you got a fist in your face, you cooked something wrong today so you got a chunk of hair ripped out, you smiled at the milkman today so surely that means you want sex? Well even if you dont your having it anyway!
As you lie there to scared to go to sleep you run over in your head how your going to escape this... who can you turn to for help, at the time you feel its no-one because he's made sure you have no friends or family around, Where can you run too? No where because you havent been out of the house in 2 years, how can you stop it? Kill him! There are many nights you lie awake dreaming of this, knowning that you would never do it but its a thought that keeps you going.
And then one day you find out your pregnant?! Surely you have to find a way out now? Its not just you thats going to get hurt, you've got a baby with a monster and that monster will stop at nothing to hurt you. He kicks you in the stomach when pregnant he holds wall paper sicossors to your throat, and all you can do is sob an d dream of getting away. You go to an appointment with your midwife and she notices a bruise, you make an excuse because this guy has made you believe that if anyone ever finds out or you ever tell anyone he will make sure you aren't here to see another day.
Your living your life in FEAR... But would people in the "outside" world understand if you told them anyway? Or would they simply say... "well leave them" I'd never let anyone treat me like that" Which I agree before i was in this position I would probably of said the same thing....How many people really have the time to spend with abuse victims? Will they really understand what you went through or what your going through? Can they keep you safe?
Luckliy I escaped..., My final straw was when I came in to the room to find himshaking my baby! Something inside me snapped, You can hurt me all you want but not my baby! However some people are not as fortunate some people never get out, So surely it is down to us people that do to stand up an d be counted, make people listen!
My family have been a great support to me, even If i have never been able to tell them the full story, sometimes its best to keep the truth away from people so that they cant get hurt! Thats why I've written this so I can get off my chest what and how I felt. There will always be day when I feel down but I only have to look at my son to know I'm one very lucky person, I walked away with my life and a gorgeous son .
xxx | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/9/2008 7:08:27 PM | | Well, I was never a victim of any of this but one time I was with this girl who had been raped and abused in the past. It made me feel kind of nervous because I didn't know if she 100% trusted me and I was always deathly afraid of making her feel uncomfortable for some reason. She wouldn't even let me do oral because it reminded her of that experience. But, I sought the advice of someone close to me that had gone through the experience and she gave me some good advice. She said to be extra warm and caring to her and to touch her lightly rather than aggressively. This and exercising patience. The plan worked great. She gradually trusted me more and more until the point where I finally got a request for oral. I mean, that isn't all that changed about her but, it will always be a memory trigger. And well, it was nice to experience her getting past that point in her life enough to trust me and my intentions. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/10/2008 8:03:25 AM | This is an unfortunate reality that is often not discussed...Anyone who is subjected to severe trauma, develops PTSD as the above posting demonstrates...
There are very effective treatments for domestic violence and rape...One therapy is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT for short, it is very effective for truama, my heart goes out to anyone who has been subjected to this...and thanks for all of your postings, it is important to talk about it... | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/11/2008 6:50:45 AM | Amen....your story is almost the same as mine(there must be a abuser manual out there somewhere)...I married at nineteen but I was there for 25 years...it took me that long to finally get the courage to run away.....all the way to England cause I knew that was far enough away that he couldn't get me, the part that struck home for me in your story was the killing him part. I would sit there after he was asleep thinking....prison would be a lot better than this, at least I wouldn't be afraid anymore, however like you I just couldn't do it...the fear being if I messed up and he woke up the outcome would be horrible....to the world he was the guy who would give you the shirt off his back so the few times I tried to tell people what was going on they though I was crazy. He used to tell me if I tried to leave he'd put me in the ground and tell people I ran off and everyone would believe him....I believed him. The "you're fat as a toad" but when I'd lose the weight I was a slut and sleeping around etc.As the DV group said..they take little pieces of you at a time to where one day you look in the mirror and don't even know the person looking back any more....that's how and why we stay...cause if they started the big abuse right off we would have run a mile. The one good thing is when I had our daughter, he was and is a good father(I have to give him that credit) and she lives with him BUT as she's getting older she is finally seeing parts of him that she never saw before.
This story does have a happy ending. I ran away about 5 years ago with just one suitcase and a few pictures and after a year and a half of hiding out(thanks to all my internet friends who helped hide me) he divorced me and has since re-married. It is a wonderful feeling to not be afraid anymore, to be in control of my life and finally know who I am....I do promise you I will never ever allow myself to be controlled like that again. It will take time healing....and go to domestic violence groups...talk to those who understand, and above all else know it wasn't your fault, that you did the best you could in the position you were in.
Above all else....love and respect yourself.....my favorite saying now is " To thy own self be true"
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/11/2008 4:20:32 PM | | Thank you Unicorn Dragon, your courage is very inspirational, I am so sorry that you were subjected to this...However, I can here, how you have taken this adversity and transformed it, into wisdom and personal growth... and I congratulate you on that fact... | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/13/2008 6:42:39 AM | Thank you so much.....but as I say I'm just me.....and if I can help just one person find the strength within to leave...then that's all that counts.....and it goes both ways....women can also be abusers as well.....abuse isn't about gender but about power.
Uni | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/14/2008 12:39:10 AM | How to say this . Well this morning My exfiance' came over demanded that I give him the last money I had. I wonmt bore you with the partculars. anyway he tried to choke me with his forarm and he pushed me several times. then he grabed my sewing machine and ran out the back door
I walked to the office of the apt. complex. the manager called the police. The cop asked me if i wanted to file charges. I said " book em Dano"The police []'just gave him a citation. and they got my sewing machine back. My locks have been changed
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 11/17/2008 12:47:17 PM | Msg.36 A citation? Ummmm...a citation????????? Might be better off giving him a crash course in how to sing soprano absent falsetto, should there be a next time. Not to make light of what sounds to be a very bad situation, but a citation??????? For what? Not asking permission first to choke the poster? Good grief - so much for "Dano". I'd be looking at upgrading my wardrobe to spike heels at this point...much more effective than a citation.  | |
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