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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:51:48 PM | There are different types of abuse, and sometimes that means there are different reasons for seeking out that type of partner. So it may require knowing what type of abusive relationship you are referring to.
For a former friend of mine, who's father beat everyone, I told him after he married a husband beater, that the next time he found someone who made him feel at home...run. He knew this woman had potential to be abusive,and while someone else without that experience would have found this to be odd and have run away, he saw it as, "well, I know I can handle this."
Re-read your original post. You already accept the fact you will find an abuser. You walk into a relationship already with the mindset of a victim. You ask how to trigger it quickly so you can escape. As the other posters have said, counseling would help you. Its hard to go into a healthy relationship when you already have the mindset of a victim, expecting the punch.
the fact is, there are plenty of warning signs. But you won't see them with the mindset of a victim--none will come off as a warning sign, as a sign of abnormality. Thus the need for counseling. It may take some attempts to find a counselor you feel comfortable with...but once you get over the hump, you'll swear you see life with new eyes :) it'll be worth the energy spent. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:58:47 PM | I agree that the first thing is to seek counseling.
I am wondering if anyone can tell me how to tell if a new guy is going to become abusive. What are the earliest warning signs?
I'd say you should sit down and list the ones who were abusive, the ones who were not, and list some of the traits that all the abusive ones had in common, and the traits that the non abusive ones had in common. That might help somewhat.
Having said that, I'd guess that you are having self esteem issues and that you are subconsciously being attracted to the abusive ones. The reason I say this is that with my ex, out of ALL of the relationships she had ever been in, only two were non-abusive, and that included me. So she had like two non-abusive relationships, and at least five abusive ones. Honestly, I don't think that's coincidence. In fact, when we met, her best friend told her that I didn't seem to be her "type". My ex responded with "well, if you mean he doesn't beat me, cuss me, yell at me, or rape me, then I guess you're right". That two sentence exchange speaks volumes about what's going on inside her head. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:36:04 PM | A person who'is verbally abusive or attempts to control your actions and behavior is more prone to escalate to more.
Buteven more importantly, please read and learn all you can about why you are attracted to these types of people, how to avoid behavior that attracts them, and how to break the pattern.
Great first step to ask the question, and please keep going down the right path. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:51:48 PM | Well, sweetie, there is the physical abuse and the mental. If you listen carefully, they will tell you more than you are willing to hear. LISTEN when you meet a man! First, they are perfect towards you. Second, I would not tell them of your past abusivemen because you are telling any abusive man that you are that vulnerable, a target, the next woman they are looking for! You've put up with it more than once.... you'll do it again, will be their view. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!!!! Then, back to listening to them! If a man claims that all his past relationships didn't work out because it was "her fault" , "they were all psychos", etc.. RUN LIKE HELL. A true man can admit to who messed up the relationships of the past. If you see that he will dominate conversations and ignore your emotional chats, RUN. Unfortunately, these are tools I use to weed them out.. but I have not been in an abusive relationship personally- but know many who have. Time and time again, I got out and then found out later, I did the right thing.
I do agree, however, with others, you never know...some show no signs of anything.
Again, repeating stories of past abusive relationships to potential future relationship is not a good idea. Men easily get the idea: oh? put up with that how many times? she must like it, like those men, etc. So this will even chase off the good guys, too!
Use your past miseries to train your intuitions!!!!!
Oh yes.. then there the men who will make you believe it's your fault if they hurt your feelings or pissed you off...look out for those! I had ONE... grrrrrrrrr. I learned.
And darlin-- you don't want to "bring out the abusiveness sooner"-- it might be your last breath! Listen and pay attention before the abuse is ever begun!!!!!! | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:59:24 PM | The last girl I dated told me from early on that she was in a very abusive marriage....
She even went as far as to ask me if I ever have hit a female....I thought that was rather strange at the time.
What she forgot to tell me is that she is an abusive person...Maybe I should have asked her some questions as well, or better yet contacted her ex....I thought she was the nicest person when we met...I wish there were signs, I really do.. cuz I sure didn't see any. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:10:43 PM | | if he starts ending sentences with or ill go upside your head....thats a definate sign right there | |
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2nutty
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Joined: 12/17/2007
Msg: 32 | |
| abusiveness
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:38:56 PM | I only married an abuser. He was emotional/verbally abusive. Read the info posted on the website on the first page of this. It is the damn truth. Had I known then what I know now....
I was with him for 12 years!! I had never dated anyone like him before and never will again. I know what to look for now. OPEN YOUR EYES!!!! That site is like a blueprint to a relationship with an abuser! READ IT and if you see what he ( the doc on the site) is talking about...run, Forrest, run!
I am in a relationship now (my first since the divorce), and I sometimes catch myself getting mad or upset about something that my fella has said and I have to remember that he is not an abusive creep. He is asking me to come to bed because he wants to make out, not to keep me from doing something else! I still have my feelers out there, and I am still VERY aware of what is going on in my relationship, but I am not gonna make my new bf pay for my my ex did. I'm not gonna have "Welcome" imprinted on my forehead either... | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:02:19 PM | I've got to wonder: Do women SEEK abusiveness? Or are they simply not self-possessed enough to want better for themselves?
I've got seven sisters, and three of them are in abusive relationships. They refuse to leave their partners, and the one that did, went to another abusive man.
One time while drunk, I came up with a crack-pot idea: Some women LIKE it. Why else would they stay? While I obviously don't want to try this theory by being abusive, I have to wonder...would I get to keep a girl around longer if I did?
Of course, I could simply just be more outgoing, and actually socialize rather than being a hermit. But that involves going outside :P
Oh well. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:06:24 PM | I`ve run into it a few times. But not the majority. The heck of it is, abusers usually go
for easy targets, you know, easy going, accomodating, non demanding sweetheart nice girls- the last to deserve it, so we make an easy mark for them. Because in the end, as far as I am concerned, abusers aren`t real men, they are p*ssies!
Here are a few things I watch for. Alot of impatience, road rage, getting frustrated with things easily, having to make all of the decisions as to what you are doing all of the time. Having to know where you are all of the time. Any kind of really pushy behavior on a date, even if try to be a gentleman, like "Don`t even think of getting your own door, not with me I`m a gentleman" in a scolding or laying down the rules in a cute way tone. Ordering for you without asking what you like,being physically forward and then not laying off after you have asked him to stop,when he trys to talk you into something and does not take your first no as the answer and keeps pestering, getting angry easily or blowing things out of proportion, trying to change the way you dress, correcting something you say, or telling you that an opinion is wrong,any kind of scolding,basically trying to push past
boundaries previously set by you and trying to get his way. All signs of a very disrespectful and possibly abusive personality. If you feel even the least uncomfortable, trust your gut.
A good test is to lay some sort of boundary thing on him. If he is doing something that you don`t like and you ask him to stop and he gives you attitude, it`s a real good red flag. Abusers want an easy target, and a woman with strong boundaries is not that.
Don`t be too easy going. Read some books about boundaries and esatablishing healthy ones. You will feel like a b!tch at first, but it really does work.
Another one is to ask about other female family members. If everything he says about the women is condescending and negative, that is a good sign. If you see him bullying to show off what a man he is, another sign. There`s a million. Just remember it`s not your fault. You are just too nice and have to learn boudaries. There are a huge percentage of abusers out there. Most women have gotten nailed at some point. They just don`t talk about it because guys always blame us for wanting it, which really ticks me off. Godd luck. Hit the books, alot of good ones out there.
Just remember , abusive men are a dime a dozen, I would say 40 to 60% if they are allowed to get away with it, so don`t be too hard on yourself. You just have to come off as a stronger woman and let it be know that you don`t put up with it. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:25:14 PM | | Some of the advice given is correct. Did you get what you wanted?. Someone said that no one on here can help you, not true I can. If you want my help you know where I am. Would have written personally but out of group ranges. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:30:35 PM | As others mentioned, if this seems to be a problem for you, I would definitely suggest counseling. If you're repeatedly going for the same types of guys, something's not right so I'd look into and save yourself alot of pain and hopefully find some happiness and a real man.
There's all types of abuse and even if someone gave you some great insight on how to spot a physical abuser, you'd likely still be vulnerable to emotional or verbal abusers so realize it's not your fault and help yourself before it's too late.
Good luck,
Red | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:06:42 PM | Hi buttonsone1...this is a subject close to my heart; yup, bin down that road so to speak! It has been my experience that the best way to tell if a guy has an abusive streak, is to see what his habits are - is he a drinker and if so how much? does he do drugs? does he have steady employment? Has he been able to maintain steady r/ships? How is his current r/ships with friends/family? Is he isolated from loved ones and if so, why? And I find that being upfront and direct is a valuable thing. Ask him what his thoughts are on violence toward others and toward women in general e.g. how does he feel about women working, or women going out with their friends for a night on the town? Before you get to the dating stage (and I'm talking about posting a profile on POF), be sure you state on your profile that violent men are not welcome (or something to that effect). Be very clear about what it is you are looking for in a partner/friend/lover.
Of course you should tell a new b/f about the past... but word of warning, don't wear your experience as a mantle. In other words, be sure you have dealt with your issues/baggage first. A guy doesn't want to come face to face with the fall-out left behind by some one else. In all fairness, if you are asking these questions and still "choosing" abusive men, then you probably still have a way to go toward healing yourself and your life *huge hug*
Women who are abused usually have a component of neediness/desperation/abandonment/dysfunctional r/ship issues etc in their lives and yes, as others have stated, you may need counselling. Women such as us, tend to "need" a man to complete them, until the crap has been dealt with. As a professional in this area, I found it very frustrating to go to counselling, so I tucked into every book I could get my hands on, on the subject! I think I had made a well-worn track to the self-help section at the library!!! I did a lot of meditation, prayer, soul-searching, crying, shouting, pleading, self-abuse...before I started to see my way out of the darkness that was within me.
Is there a way to bring out abusiveness earlier?? Well, all I can say is, in your searching, be always mindful of the journey you have travelled and how vulnerable you have been in the past. Gaurd your heart. Don't give it away too easily... Test the waters first before becoming emotionally involved.
Not all men who drink, do drugs, or who have alcoholism in their family, or are unemployed, are abusers of women. There are some wonderful men in the world.
I send thoughts of love and strength to you and those of us who have walked our walk.
Namaste,
Donna | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:38:13 PM | Lots of good advice here, but lets get deeper into the problem. Abuse is a TACTIC used to either GAIN CONTROL over another person, or to PREVENT someone from gaining control over you.
When you try to control another person, you use a variety of tactics. Many of them are subtle, and most controllers start off with gentle tactics. But as they loose effectiveness, stronger tactics are needed, and this is where abuse starts.
When someone tries to control you, you will employ similar tactics to circumvent their efforts.
The controller and controllee will escalate their tactics until they become abusive: physical, severely intimidating, violent, etc.
My advice, as to how to identify an abuser (male or female) is to observe their actions and words to determine if they are the controlling type. However, if you find that most of your dates become abusive, this is an indicator that YOU may be the controller and they are becoming abusive in an attempt to derail your control. If this is the case, everyone you date will likely become abusive.
OP, it appears that you are the controlling type. For example, by what right can you declare that men cannot wear Crocs? It is not your right to make that decision.
You can delve deeper, as a need to control has roots in a person's core values. However, these are often so well hidden we rarely really know what our own core values are. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:42:08 AM | RED FLAGS
1.He calls you all the time
2He wants to know where you are all the time
3He hates his mother
4He doesn't have friends
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typical sentences he makes;
I do not like your brother,sister or whosoever you are close to.
I do not like your outfit-your skirt is too short ,your blouse is not attractive etc.
If you leave I'll kill myself.
Why is the guy"staring "at you"did you have a fair with him?'(and you are just getting gas at a gas station)
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NO MATTER WHAT HE MAKES YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM
HE WANTS TO CONTROLL EACH ASPECT IN YOUR LIFE.HE WILL TELL YOU WHO TO HAVE AROUND AND WHEN.ALL THE RULES APPLY ONLY TO YOU.
IF YOU ARE SUSPECTING HIS BEING ABUSSIVE YOU MAY FIND HIS HISTORY AND RECORDS BY GOING TO THE LOCAL COUNTY COURTHOUSE WITH HIS NAME AND DATE OF BIRTH. | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 9/14/2008 9:15:28 AM | I have a theory...may be right, may be wrong.
But men who can't control their temper may have elevated levels of testosterone (like rage being a problem with guys who do steriods).
Since hormones fluctuate, it's not apparent all the time, but under stressful times, it becomes elevated.
At first.
The rest, well, it's like an alcoholic who starts out liking the taste of a cold beer after work and doesn't start out looking to become an alcoholic out on the corner street later in life...but many end up there.
I'm not talking about the sadistic phsychopathic type who pulls wings off flys...
I'm talking about the guy who loses his temper, strikes, then appologizes. Then does it again, and again.
To believe so many women have been in abusive relationships mean so many men are abusers...
I've been abused as well. But understanding how I set myself up, what was the attraction, where I turned left when I should have turned right has brought me to the same conclusion...these guys keep jobs, pay taxes, help stranded people change tires. They even have long term relationships where I chose to walk out. Demonizing them doesn't do anything into understanding the problem.
Of course, with my luck, I ended up with the one who pulled the wings off flys (metaphically speaking). And I've ended up with the one who's rage and crasyness could be seen in his eyes while he spit out threats.
The difference, I left. I don't put up with that. But I'm never out of the woods. Lonliness is like a radar. It's when a woman is the most vulnerable.
Counselling helps OP. So does the mantra "I deserve better, I deserve respect".
Good luck.
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| abusiveness
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:55:55 PM | ok i had to respond to this post
I was in a abusive realtionship for 8 yrs when i finall broke it of I realized that i was attratced to those type of men because thats all i knew
abusive reationships also tend to be controlling i have choosen to stay single till i found out who i really was and what i really wanted in a partner and i am a much stronger woman for that now
there is no way of telling who is or is not abusive the only thing i can say is take it slow and pay attention to all the little signs that people tend to brush aside because belive it or not those little signs could say you alot of headaches... | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:19:06 PM | Here is info on abuse and signs of abuse:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#signs
I agree with everyone....seek counseling.
I will add that whenever you do start dating ask everyone he knows questions about him and pay attention to the way they act when answering you and you may also want to go to the sherriffs dept and ask for any and all arrests records he has you will need his full name and birthdate but it will cost you money to obtain it.
Also go online and do a background search on him which costs money and go to the state corrections dept website and do an offender search to see if he comes up on there data base (should be free). | |
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| abusiveness
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:50:47 PM | | Signs of Abusive People: http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm | |
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mare29
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Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 44 | |
| abusiveness
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:05:46 PM | I have been reading some of these posts and I have been in abusive relationships.
I was always naive and looking for the good in people. No one has a stamp on their forehead telling you they are abusive and many abusive people hide who they are at the beginning of a relationship. The key is to open your eyes to both the good and the bad,go by your gut feelings and strict guidelines of what is abusive or controlling behaviors. Think back to the beginning of your other relationships and write down small behaviors that you may have brushed by or closed your eyes to.
Then if anyone shows these behaviors just say good-bye no second chances its not worth the pain and humiliation of having another abusive relationship. It is better to be alone then deal with abuse every day of your life. | |
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