| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:35:16 PM | Your 31 right? Well so am I and in the interests of just establishing how mature one should be at 31, I think we should at least be patient enough to give the other some space and if they call back ... great! if they dont, then its still fine, just be more relaxed about the situation.
Think of it this way, you dont want to coerce or control the outcome by calling too much, it should be voluntary and not to the point where the other feels self conscious that your the type of person that needs alot of signs in order to feel secure about where something is going. As we get older I think most of us get familiar with the typical social cues. I for one think that if a person doesnt ring back after I have emailed or left a message saying something along the lines of "Thanks for the lovely night out and let me know when your free again, Cheers" should make it quite clear that you enjoyed their company but not so pushy that your a few notches away from being a control freak. Then if they decline or not call back... their loss.
I think it ultimately comes down to control. How you see yourself dealing with control is something you have to develop gradually as time goes by, and developing a more "live and let live" attitude helps alot in the long run too. Just think that as human beings we are responsible for how we feel and not for how others feel or not feel towards us - given we have been as pleasantly mannered as we can be. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:40:57 PM |
What exactly was I suppose to think
Well, you were supposed to think you had a nice date.
If he calls, he calls. If he calls two weeks later, then you can decide what you want to do that that point. I know it is easier said than done, but it is a must to mantain sanity.
Just an aside, I usually don't make a point of thanking them after a date, as I have thanked them in person. It lets them off the hook not to feel like they have a time line in which they have to communicate...Less pressure all around. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:40:11 PM | - the last part says " and wanted to do it again is enough" of course it is but in my case the part about letting the other know you want to do it again wasn't there.
I think he was referring to the messages you sent. He meant that one message was enough on your part. You did not state in your messages to him that you wanted to go out again either; and you did not give him enough time to ask you out a second time before writing him off. He may not have been available right away to see you so soon but might have called you when he knew he would be free. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:52:48 PM | there is no time limit...you took the initiatitive to say you enjoyed meeting him...you should have left it there...if he was interested or as interested he would have responded...maybe not that second or maybe the next day...he would let you know...believe me if a guy thinks you're a keeper he will contact you... | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:05:46 PM | | I think the OP should be more patient. She texted him twice right after the date and another time the following day. IMO there shouldn't be any time limit. But I wouldn't call / email a man 3 times in that short amount of time. He could be busy or still deciding if he is interested in having another date with a woman. I would contact a man within 1-2 days after the first date. If I didn't hear back from him, then I might contact him again 2-3 days after the inital attempt to contact him. If I still didn't hear back from him after the second attempt to contact him, then I would think that he wasn't interested amd move on. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:31:16 PM | First off,you are a brave person for putting yourself out there and sharing(kudos!)
I only stumbled across this post because I, tonight found myself on the other end of a similar situation.(miscommunication)
Maybe it will help?
I had met someone for a first "coffee date" This past week. From body language,feedback,etc. I thought we hit it off(great right?) .We had planned to meet for a drinks/dinner date this weekend(so far so good).I get a call,plans need to be changed.Not possible this weekend,can we reschedule?(no problem).
I now have the weekend free ,so I go to a friends' cottage.
It appears that this person became free this weekend and would like to resume our previous plans...This person cannot get in touch with me Friday night,because I have already left ,my phone is off,and really where I'm going I don't have internet,nor do I want it.I'm unplugging for the weekend.
I just got home(Sunday night)
My cell phone mail box is full(ok not just from her,my Mum called once ).I have 4 emails on pof from her.Starting off nice,but got progressively nasty.
I "was" interested in this person,we hit it off.We even joked about deleting our profiles.
I have now lost interest in this person,not just for the things that were said in the emails or phone messages,but because "her plans had changed",and now she was available. I should be there sitting on the phone waiting for her to call.Things come up in life.If this person had left,one or even 2 messages on my phone.I'll even say one email, like sorry I missed ya,give me a shout when you're in. That would have worked.
Anyways.The reason why I told you this was to show you the possible other side,and how easy miscommunication can turn ugly.(I apologize for the length)
In todays"microwave" society we want instant responses and instant feedback,instant he/she loves me... he/she loves me not ,we hardly make informed decisions anymore, that includes our interactions with others.
I do wish you the all my best. He must have been a great guy for you to do all this,and who knows.Maybe if you email him,just say "Hey our wires got crossed,I misread the situation." If he thinks about you the way you do about him...You might be laughing at this later with him on date #2.
Cheers,and good luck! | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:47:41 PM | | A lot of guys are scared of appearing needy, so it is not uncommon to not hear for someone for days after a date, even if they are interested. Texting first to say you had a nice time would be fine (Though if you had waited a while, you might have had the opportunity to have heard from him first, which would have reassured you). Freaking out because you didn't receive an immediate reply is not. When you texted again (remember, this is the same night as the date), he did reply, so that should have been enough for you for at least a couple of days. You didn't need to expect him to get in touch with you the next day at all. And it was certainly unnecessary for you to call and text him then. I will say that I think if a guy is really interested, it is a good idea for him to call or leave a message the next day. But just try leaving things alone a bit next time. And I don't think he wanted you to chase him at all. I think he probably became less interested because you did chase him. It doesn't sound like the two of you would have been compatible anyhow. You will find someone who likes to be in as much contact as you do eventually. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:48:10 PM | After a date, I always call to thank them for a great time, great meal or conversation (whatever is the positive of the date). ie.. I enjoyed meeting you, dinner or whatever. If I am interested in seeing them again I will add, I hope we can do it again, or let me know when you have time, or something similar. If I am not interested in them, I will always say, I am sorry we didn't hit it off like we had hoped, I hope you find what you are looking for. Thanks again...
If I get no response I have the answer I need and move on.
If I do get a response I take it from there; depending on if I felt we should see each other again. But I think it is only kind to thank them for their attention etc. But I certainly would not call, a second time without a response. And I would not email or text... that is so impersonal, especially after a real date. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:08:14 PM | Hi, Janelle
You brought up an interesting question. My answer is let someone know you're interested, then back off. You got some great advice from what I have read so far.
Personally, I have no problem letting a man know I am interested in him but one has to be careful not to cross the line of neediness/stalking/loneliness, etc.
Good question, though.
Andrea | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:36:04 PM |
OP: take the advice given and don't be so desperate next time. There's no easier way to scare off a potential mate than what you've just done
Maybe she wasn't being desperate, so much as simply moving at a faster rate than he was. Seems to me, once you've made it clear you're interested, it's up to the other person to reply, and as far as i'm concerned, there's really only two possible replies. One is "Yes!", and Two is, all the other answers.
But if it's just a matter of person A expecting an answer in hours and the person B needing a couple of days to think things over, seems to me person A can just go on fishing, and person B is the one risking that if they take too long, person A may just find someone else.
And yes, i agree that as soon as you know you're not interested, say so right away. As Robert Heinlein said: "The only real sin is hurting another unnecessarily". Matchmaking can be a tough beat, can't it? But cheer up, each of us only has to really win, once :)
Cheers - Grant | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:09:21 AM | I agree with Grant. I would not have considered it desperate. In fact, if it were me, I would think it would be a nice thing for a woman to show that she were interested, instead of playing the waiting game or thinking who should call who first. No one likes games, we all like honesty, and she was up front about it. Better that than not knowing.
But then, we all have our comfort levels, fears, and problems with communicating proper. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:28:26 AM | I think that many of us seem to be getting hung up on the fact that Janelle txt, emailed, and called several times in the first 24 hours and that made her seem needy. Personally, I don't have an issue with a woman expressing interest and think that the dating world may be a little less confusing and demanding if we were all honest and upfront in these situations.
Where I think Janelle did mess up was taking the fact that he did not return the messages in a set time frame as a reason to write him off. Often life is hectic and busy and things that we mean to do get put off until we can relax and pay them the attention required. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:03:59 AM | Thanks Grant
Awesome response! I stated in an earlier response that I am far from needy or insecure but out of respect, if someone e-mails, text or calls after a meet you should respond...right? I never knew there was a response time limit. WOW! Why play games ....If your interested say you are and if your not say your not. I believe in communication in any relationship. if you can't communicate after the first meet how can you communicate effectively in a relationship? | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:57:43 AM | "Awesome response! I stated in an earlier response that I am far from needy or insecure but out of respect, if someone e-mails, text or calls after a meet you should respond...right?"
You might not BE needy, but you came across as being needy.
If I go out with someone and right after the date they text me, I think is cute and nice.
If I get, yet another text at , 10:45PM? Kind of late, to be honest, people work the next morning and not everybody is up that late, unless it was a friday or sat. I would think that is enough already and if they keep calling texting after that, before I even had a chance to get back to them, then I've lost interest already!
I already have a job! I don't want to get into a relationship with someone who requires that much of my attention! and I have to prompt otherwise......well! You get the point?
He hasn't even met you and you want him to treat you as priority#1 because if he doesn't then you think he is playing games?
The fact that you haven't heard anything we have said here or even , consider other points of view ,think about it but you keep on saying you did the right thing might give you an insight on the way you relate to others.
Hope you find a guy who IS on the same page as you. Someone who texts you back right away and calls you back right away, and heck! maybe he'll be the one calling you.
Best wishes! | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:35:33 PM | Personally, I like to say I'm interested before the first meet.
that gets that whole thing out of the way......
kiddin'....sortof
But really, unless you just bump into someone on the street and go "Hey, aren't you the one from the POF site...what's her name", then you probably have exchanged a little banter and made some sort of plan.....so , it would go without saying that youre at least interested.
Interested to continue after the first, or second meeting?...well, that's one that is not as easy to pin down. That could take a little while to figure out.
It's always makes sense for me to state intention, listen to what the other person has to say..and then...take it from there.
peace
``````````````` 'Kimbo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:43:16 PM | One text message was more than enough... I don't call guys often, letting them come to me.
He probably would have called you after a couple of days or so... but the amount of contact would have put me off, personally. Especially that email, that would have me going WTF! and I'm a girl!
If you click, he will contact you... just don't stress. But your actions do appear to be 'needy', IMO. Better to send one message and leave it at that. If he isn't interested, he won't contact you, if he is, he will...
If he takes forever and a day to contact, then hopefully you will have met someone else by then... any longer than a week and he isn't into you. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:08:02 PM | Wow this just happened to me. Let me just add that we never met we only emailed each other once and before 3 days had past I was called "rude".
Subject line was "Kinda a rude" the rest of the message went like this "A little lesson in manners: Don't tell someone you're interested when you really don't have any intention of getting to know them. So much for your "higher education"."
My response to this unexpected email:
Wow this really surprised me....Let's see we met for the first time on June 12 and exchanged a couple of emails, but since I did not responded to you by June 15 (3 days) I am rude...Now you attacked me without ever asking me how I was dong? or saying, I haven't heard from you are you OK ? Or asking do you have a lot going on in your life as you just had graduation on June 15th? Nor did you ask me if I had gone on a short vacation? No you didn't ask any of those questions. Instead you came right out and attacked me.
Let me give you a tip and I hope you take this as a serious attempt to help you... This type of attack without really knowing me, or what is going on in my personal life, and without me doing anything overt to you sounds very unreasonable. I am guessing this is coming from something that has happened to you by someone else, and I am getting the brunt of your past disappointments....
Sincerely,
Ray
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:12:11 PM | I wait around three days before starting my mental goodbye letter. In my generation, it seriously sometimes takes guys over a week to get back to you.
Don't listen to the 'omgyou'rebeingclingy' crowd. Clingy's just another word for 'you like me more than I like you', which is entirely subjective and apt to change.
You're probably used to a bit more enthusiastic attention. It's very hard adjusting (I know this)...but people are all different. Most are afraid at showing how interested they are at any given time...it's such a delicate dance. The best you can do is let them know where you stand and leave it at that. They can decide what to do from there.
Some people make their decisions pretty quickly, and get a bit enthusiastic about dating. I am both of these, and it's possible you are too. Just respect that most other people need a lot more time to process things, and get thrown off if you tell them what's up right away. Sad, but some people need the mystery. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/25/2008 2:54:12 AM | I have never had to wait to find out if someone is interested, mainly because they never are lol.
Seriously, what's the harm in saying as you part 'I've had a really good time, when can we do this again?', or something similar? I know that might be seen by some people as being desperate but at least your being honest, and if you know you don't want to see them again - just tell them, it may hurt them but at least they will know where they stand.
I would prefer that than waiting and wondering, and if your not sure tell them you'll be in touch over the next couple of days - simple. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:15:07 AM | | I find if a guy is interested he will want to make plans for the next date. Texting looking for a sign of interest may not have been a great idea. There are some nutty women in the dating world and men have to be cautious. If you come on too strong/needy they run like forest. Personally if the guy isn't planning our next date before our first is over, then I don't make post date contact, I leave it up to him. | |
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| How Long after the first meet should you say if your interested in that person or not?
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:41:31 AM | Hey Alexis
Yes I am a bit on the enthusiastic side when it comes to dating. i consider myself a picky person as well when it comes to dating. So for me to have been interested in this man after all the bad and unhealthy ones i've come across on the internet was a big deal. I was excited & just wanted to know what his intentions were. Dating today is rediculous. People feel like they are being needy or insecure or crazy if they are the first one to send a text or the first to call someone. That's shouldn't be the case. dating is suppose to be fun...show interest in the other and embrace a new relationship. Why wait 3 days or a week or 2 weeks for a sign of interest? That's rediculous. Yes people have other things going on in life but if you are talking to someone make it know that " Hey I 'm not going to be around for a while, I have a few things to get done but I haven't forgotten about you" That would be nice. It's called respect for the other person. | |
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