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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:02:36 AM | Howdy all,
1. I have spent over 8 months under the guidance of a very wise counsellor dealing with this issue, along with my ex!
2. This is not a whim
3. Thank god for "ohdriver" finally someone who actually understands I don't have to be categorised as this or that to substantiate your points of view!
4. Keep the feedback coming, it's quite interesting to see the prejudices of individuals discomfort with my transition!
Kind regards,
John | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:30:21 AM | There for a minute I was afraid that miss 13 was going to have you audition for the Village People, LOL.
Sexuality is a continuum; from absolutely straight…to bisexual…to absolutely homosexual. I’ve know lots of gay people and several bisexual people; but I’ve never know of anyone who “changed” their sexuality. It’s incomprehensible to me; but that’s not to say it’s not possible. I’ve know a lot of gay people who initially had heterosexual relationships and families, then realizing, or finally admitting, they were gay, “came out” and went on with a gay lifestyle. Maybe those people ohdriver was talking about are the inverse of this. I’ve also known several gay guys who thought they had changed, or wanted to change, and decided to have a heterosexual relationship; but none were successful. They all “reverted” back to being gay.
To answer your question, judging from the responses, there are obviously women who will “give you a chance;” but I agree with those who advise long hard soul searching, and seeing a trained sex/sexuality therapist, before you commit yourself, and your potential partner, to something as significant as, and with all of the implications of, a change in sexuality. Good luck, however it turns out. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:15:32 AM |
If you are no longer attracted to men, then you must have been socialized gay, which means you may have emotional issues.
In his profile, he mentions that a woman "burned" him or whatever SO BADLY that he never wanted to be with a woman again. Now personally, there's nothing a man could do to me to make me suddenly sexually attracted to a woman...so this guy sounds like he's got more issues than Sports Illustrated.
It also sounds like he wants to have a "family" which frighteningly to me sounds like he wants a wife and kids. Which of course, he'll leave when his REAL desires kick back in a few years down the road.
That kind of thing pi$$es me off to no end. The utter selfishness of lying about who you are so you can have what you want makes me physically ill. Bringing kids into a situation like that infuriates me even more.
The OP needs to stop kidding himself and try to adopt kids, because I don't believe for one second that one Evil Woman turned him off all Womankind sexually for 14 years, and now suddenly "He's BAAAAAAAAACK!" | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:38:09 AM | OP, you can call them "prejudices" if you want to, is that what your "counselor" is telling you? That anyone who disagrees with what you are doing is "prejudiced?" Because it could never be the fact that many people have seen what happens when someone denies what/who they are and goes the "opposite" way, right? People who have seen what happens in real life are just being meeeeeeeeen to you when they tell you that what you are doing is wrong.
You never did answer my question about gay people being born that way. Well? Are they or aren't they? Heterosexual men do not just "turn" gay because a woman pissed them off, the proof of that is right here all over these forums every day. Men who have lived "gay" for 14 years don't suddenly "turn" hetero. And if they do, what's to stop you from "turning" again, 5 or 10 years from now? You can't just change your sexual orientation based on what your current agenda is.
Oh, and there are counselors who will tell you exactly what you want to hear, as long as you keep coming back and paying their fee. You might want to check with a few others and get some differing viewpoints. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:35:25 AM | Aw John you seem like a really nice guy. I have never thought of this question before in my life! I MIGHT would if I completely felt 110% he wasn't gay anymore, because what if he decides after a month or something the "hetero" relationship was not for him. Also he could NOT be too feminine, I wouldn't want to feel like I'm dating a woman. Gooooood luck on your search  | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:39:05 AM | Unfortunately, you should stick to men.
Due to the rampid problem with HIV infections among the gay community, I would rather a gay male not come back from the dark side and infect women. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:41:40 AM | Well, your situation is certainly unusual, so about the only thing I can say is good luck and seek out educated women. The more the better since you don't fit into a tidy stereotype. In general,
education is a good cure for preconceptions. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:54:34 AM |
because what if he decides after a month or something the "hetero" relationship was not for him.
I don't think that would bother me nearly as much as it would after say 5-10 years and 2 kids later. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:58:06 AM | Masehunt, women have just as much responsibility to protect themselves against HIV as anyone else does. There are plenty of men who "swing both ways," just because a guy is sleeping with a woman THIS week doesn't mean he's strictly "hetero."
So a so-called "ex gay" starting to go out with women isn't any more likely to "infect the women" than anyone else, because everytime you sleep with a woman, you are sleeping with every man she's ever slept with, and every person THEY have ever slept with, unless SHE protects HERSELF and YOU protect YOURSELF. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:15:50 AM | many bisexuals would say your bi cus its well recognised some people swing between one sex and another (like me).
Whatever, sexuality is fluid and anyone you date can change, many people change over time all you can do is keep talking if find yourself with someone whos orientation is changing.
Would i give you a chance?
If i liked you and thought you were attractive (not saying your not i just havent looked at you!) | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:15:31 AM |
finally someone who actually understands I don't have to be categorised as this or that to substantiate your points of view!
Well, exactly. You said it. I'm sure that if you meet a particular woman and you hit it off, she will only be focused on you, not on labels.
There's a million threads on here where guys are wondering if they can't get a girl because they're not rich enough, tall enough, young enough, or whatever, but the fact is, it's all about listening to people and making a connection. If you do that, it doesn't really matter "what" you are, even if you're poor, short, out of shape, work in IT, whatever.
It's a pretty non-traditional past to have to explain, but something tells me, you wouldn't pick a closed minded person to date anyway. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:23:58 AM | are you still acting like a gay guy usually does. ie sounding like you take estrogen shots in the morning, and somehow have a ocd for anything decortive. and your speech patterns are still right with the common gay dude
the gay culture i could never understood, do you reall yhave to act different when your gay. wheres that manly sounding gay guy who likes contrustion and welding and what not. id recomend going to a industrial club people there are very openminded in general | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:46:54 AM | I'm a guy who has come out of a 14 year (monogamous) relationship with a guy. Yes I was gay for the duration! Over the last 4 years I've had this increasing urgency or innate need to, umm, well, change tracks and go back to being in a hetero. relationship. - changing_tracks
What I get from what I read here, is that you were in a hetero relationship before the 14 year gay relationship. Therefore
you are inherently bi-sexual, but because your gay relationship wasn't filling all of your needs (ie: family/children) you
are CHOOSING to live as a heterosexual man now, in order to fill these needs. I have a friend in Hollywood who was in a
similar situation to yours & oddly enough, a cousin. My cousin got a girl pregnant in high school (apparently they didn't
marry), but was in a committed, monogamous gay relationship for 14 years. They owned a house, were even considering
having a child with a lesbian friend of theirs. My cousin suddenly changed his life, becoming a Mormon, marrying a woman
from his church, who had 3 teenaged children (he's 40, btw). They were going to try having a child together ($10,000
a try, incredibly expensive, because he has been HIV+ for 20 years). Unfortunately their marriage broke up, because she
was bi-polar who refused to take her meds, & became extremely violent.
I am glad to read that you are getting counselling. If your partner of 14 years wasn't interested in having a family & that
was a factor in your breakup, why not just have a family with another male partner? Or is it not possible in Australia? I know
nothing about Australian family laws, but in Canada, in California & Mass., gays can get married. Plus, in Canada & all US
States except Florida, gays can adopt children. If having your own is important, do you have a good female friend who
would surrogate for you? Again, I don't how Australian law works on these things. You really need to look at all the options,
because if you make a mistake, a lot of people are going to be hurt.
Some women will be able to deal with it, some won't. Another thing I might suggest, is to try for someone very open-minded
sexually. If she is into oral, anal, etc, you might find you aren't missing anything much, from a gay relationship, sexually. A lot
of my bi friends (male), say that one factor in preferring relationships with men, is that many women are so limited in bed.
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If the Op wants this question to be taken seriously, maybe he might want to think about taking some more"manly" pictures. The pictures in is profile are obviously from his "gay" period. - Wildman46
He has a delicately beautiful face, which probably would've given people the wrong impression, even if he had always been
heterosexual. While some gay men (& lesbian), do not look it, some are quite obvious. I don't think new pictures would help.
Although it just occurred to me what might. Sometimes a face such as your OP, can look a bit more "masculine" if you tried
growing a moustache. I didn't think of it at first, because I prefer kissing a smooth face, personally. Just a thought.
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Due to the rampid problem with HIV infections among the gay community, I would rather a gay male not come back from the dark side and infect women. - masehunt
The rate of HIV infection has slowed dramatically in the past 20 years, in the gay community. You want to know who the highest
risk group is right now? Women between 15-25, because
1) young women often do not have the self-esteem/maturity to ALWAYS insist on using condoms, in a new relationship. Also,
2) man-to-woman transfer is much easier than woman-to-man. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:52:50 AM |
Truth is.... I wouldnt want any man that has had an sexual experience w. another man.... or kissed a man ... YUCK can't even think about it!
Hard enough trying to protect myself from STD/ HiV from straight men.
honestly hope i didnt hurt anyones feelings :(
I agree. Hanging around with an ex gay guy is a real good way to end up with the old "tail pipe flu". | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:12:20 AM | There is nothing right or wrong about sexual orientation one way or the other, or both. The right and wrong of things comes into play when you consider how people are affected, and this does not include offense they take because of religious beliefs, since that is something a person chooses to do to themselves. Treat people well and all will be well. Find an excuse to mistreat people and you earn the title of jerk. That's how I view it anyway.
I have known women who couldn't care less about gay or bi or anything, because they are open minded and informed. I have also known women who were adamant about strict heterosexuality, and that is just what they believe and so be it. My guess overall would be that the number of women who are fine with past gay relationships are about exactly the same number as women who are open minded and accepting generally. That is, very, very few of them would be happy to be with a man who was gay before. I'll put it at 3.7 percent. That still is a lot of women, since there are so many to start with. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:14:19 PM | Post 34 and 29 Agree
prejudices?discomforts?
Why ask a question for people's opinions and then call the one's who won't roll out the red carpet every time you jump from women to men prejudices and discomforts? You are coming out of a relationship with a man and looking to get into a relationship with a woman. You have been with a woman before. You are bisexual and a lot of women aren't looking for that. You need to accept others opinions before you expect others to accept you. Sorry everyone didn't say yes ok you are straight now. If that is what you were looking for you shouldn't have asked anyone but yourself. Then you would get the answer you want.
Some people just want it all. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:23:26 PM | I wouldn't. You can have a thing for both sexes, but to treat your sexual history like it's something you can just turn off, is like disrespecting it.
You've been with men. Clearly, you find them attractive. You've been with women, and you clearly find them attractive too. Embrace both, but be prepared to deal with a somewhat smaller dating pool. Some women don't want to date bisexual or "formerly gay" men. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:47:04 PM | Interesting post John,
I have no idea what the answer to your questions are but................I have a couple of questions for you.
Is being an "ex gay guy" like being an ex smoker?
Do you get these cravings for just one drag off a butt?
Do you think about how great it used to feel sucking on a cigarette and how much you miss it?
Do you rationalize having a quick drag now and again 'cause you really are an ex- smoker and a slip now and again is ok?
Or is being an "ex-gay guy" more like being an ex drinker?
You know, like when you get these cravings for just one more swallow of the hard stuff,
or like when it's a hot summer day and all you can think about is sucking on a couple of big cool 'Brewskies'.
Or like when you see a guy sucking down 'brewskies' with his buddies, does it just make you want to join them?
Would you ever miss just going out with the guys and getting hammered?
Just curious about how hard it is to quit being gay and stick with the program,
yours
Totally Intrigued | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:12:07 PM | people change, only the OP knows his true feelings and even then people can fool themselves under some circumstances whether it's about been an alcoholic, a binge eater or been gay or a thousand things. So lets leave the guy alone on that point. As to women giving him a chance, not been a woman can't say.
I only want to point out what it says on every form the national blood transfusion sends me 3 times a year before I give my pint of life. it says, if a woman has had intercourse in the last year, safe or not, with a man who has EVER had sex, safe or not, with another man, then that woman can't give blood. It also says of course that a man who has ever had sex with another man can never give blood.
Until either a cure is found for what now has become a serious problem for hetrosexual people around the world and not just gay men, I don't imagine the rules will change. So any woman will if she does now, have to stop donating blood if she marries the OP or indeed any other man who has had sex with another man.
still there is also the problem of CJD especially in britain ( I wonder if other governments have hidden their own cases so to avoid beef bans ) so we english can't donate brains to anyone either.
hug someone new today.
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:28:06 PM | Date an 'ex" lesbian or a bi-chick. They would understand the whole sexual fluid thing.
For what it's worth, I went on a date with a woman who had been dating men for a year after being exclusively lesbian for the previous decade and a half. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:29:43 PM | | Will I don't think anything is impossible but then again I'm a gemini..I would tend to agree with msg 44 ^^^^^^^^^I would really think on this before I closed the door forever..One of my best friends considers herself to be a bi sexual woman but I've known her for many years and she really dislikes men. I can tell you from personal experience, she loves to bite them though...She tells me that most gay people don't believe that people can be bi there either one way of the other..Using her as an example I think shes a lesbian and so do acouple parts of my body..But even though I have never heard of this before I don't think that anything is impossible..What about Gay people that become christians and go back with the oppsite sex? I have seen shows about this on TBS, (Trinty Broadcasting Service) How many of these people have been successful staying not only christian, but hetro also? Society and a couple scientists tell us your either gay, or your not..Society is pretty much outdated in my book, kinda like the Catholic church and I'm Catholic..Anyway your doing all the right things you can try..Some gals here said they would give you a chance..It's your life no one elses do what makes you happy..Good Luck. Byrd | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:30:06 PM | It's interesting that everyone keeps telling John how he feels or how he should feel. If John knows in his heart and mind that he is no longer gay, then he is no longer gay. The mind is the most powerful thing in the world even more powerful than genes. Within the mind all things are possible. Genes can give one a predisposition to be an alcoholic, but through the mind one can fight this. Genes can give one a predisposition to be an the heavy side, but through the power of the mind one can fight this. Some genetic research has even shown to have found a gene that causes severe anger in some, but the power of the mind can control this.
What is intriguing is the research of Dr. Robert L. Spitzer, the prominent psychiatrist and researcher at Columbia University. Dr. Spitzer was the architect of the 1973 APA decision to remove homosexuality from the diagnostic manual, a gay affirmative psychiatrist , and a long time supporter of gay rights has now changed his view. He now says that one can change through proper therapy.
I would also encourage John to look up Michael Glatze. Michael was once one of the most powerful individuals in the LGBT community as the founder of Young Gay America. He currently goes around the country speaking out about change being possible. The there is also Charlene Cothran, a former lesbian and publisher of a lesbian publications. Both are great examples of change being possible. It isn’t easy, just as leaving alcoholism or drugs isn’t easy, but it is possible. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do, since you and only you are the one that makes this decision. | |
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| Will gals give an ex gay guy a chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:44:06 PM | | I don't know if I could. It would be in the back my mind about you being with a guy (not that there is anything wrong with that!). I'd be like Carrie in that Sex and the City episode, confused about man dating woman, man dating man, woman dating woman, woman dating man. Too confusing and hard to keep track. | |
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