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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:00:41 PM | Okay, I've fixed it a bit more.
Is there anyone I can talk to about this harassment from "awkwardly"? To insult somone by calling them a loser has to be against the rules somewhere on this site. If not it would be very bad for a site for a person to dissuade people from using it. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:16:50 PM | Hi MattChrisF
If you don't like someone's comments, ignore them. (The comments and the person.) Don't take anything said here personally! They are someone else's "stuff". You do not need to react or defend yourself.
Check the rules at the top of the forum to be sure. If someone is continually extremely rude and "flaming", you can report them to the forum moderator.
twwr | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:01:31 PM | Actually, I'm afgraid I agree with awkwardly's conlusions, if not his delivery style. He's stated the main reasons why I haven't posted here about your profile since message 4 -- you need more help than a greatly-worded profile can give you.
And it all stems from your lack of confidence, which you make abundantly clear in your replies here.
Exactly. From everything you've posted here, it looks like you have a confidence problem. A self-esteem problem. A communication/interpersonal skills problem. And possibly some issues with depression. You've already said as much.
So instead of getting angry with people who notice the messages you're sending out there, decide to do things differently. Do something about your shyness. Take some action as awkwardly advised to change things.
Or find a way to be content wiht thing as they've always been.
Your choice. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:25:03 PM |
Or find a way to be content with thing as they've always been.
At this point, that is likely far better choice. OP, the process of getting from where you are to where you need to be is very stressful. You will have to torture yourself in ways that will always make you wonder if what you are doing is worth it. You will have to have a single-minded determination to go through it, no matter how hard it is. You have to really want it, far more than anything else.
And, for many people, it is not worth it. For many people, breaking themselves apart to try to remake their personality is an overall "lose" proposition. You gain something, yes, but you also lose a whole lot of who you are. And, you very well might not be happy with the resulting person. Being content with who you are is a perfectly acceptable choice.
Overall, I have to agree - profile is a least of your problems. Having a good profile gets you foot in the door. But, that might very well be the door you should not be going through. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:35:44 PM | Matt, I have taken the liberty to scrutinize your profile and re-write it. Take all, take parts of it, take all of it and change it around, or take none of it. Do with it what you will. I just wanted to give an alternative. I don't know what other people have suggested so I'm sorry if anything is re-hashed. I have taken out a few things and commented on them in parenthesis.
Here goes:
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Writing is the outlet for the creativity that’s burning inside me. I mostly write screenplays for horror, fantasy, and action/adventure movies, but sometimes I like to try my hand at short stories as well. (I took out stuff, what is stuff? It’s better to be clear)
*I refuse to do things that would hurt others, it's just not in my nature.
(This I just don’t know why you have in there. I doubt that a woman that likes to hurt others is out looking for the same. So I’m wondering why you have that in your profile?)*
If you think it’s important to keep, I’d change it to:
It’s not in my nature to hurt other people, therefore I refuse to do, or say anything that I think might cause another person distress. I always try to be the best person I can possibly be. (I think it’s unnecessary to add “every day”)
I’m an introvert and I usually have something on my mind (Most likely an idea for a screenplay). I also have a very active imagination. That might make me seem a little inattentive at times but if you poke me I promise I will return to earth. I am a little shy though, hopefully the right woman can tempt me to crawl out of my shell a little.
I care a lot about my friends and I try to be there for them if they need to get something off their chest. I also enjoy making people laugh. Straight-faced blunt joking is my forte and usually brings out giggles from people.
I like animals but I don’t have any pets on my own. (Why? Are they not allowed where you live? Not enough time to care for them the way they should be cared for?)
Instead I volunteer at a pet store where I (work with the cats? What exactly is it you do?)
I’m an old fashioned guy that sets value on politeness and courteousness. Holding doors open for other people is a given and everyone deserves to be politely treated.
(The understanding of people’s feelings is too sappy and the generous part can be misunderstood and/or taken advantage of)
*I like writing, watching movies, playing World of Warcraft and some other video games. I also like reading. I read a lot of books on movies and a few magazines, Rue Morgue Magazine, Phantom of the Movies Videoscope and Shock Cinema are my favorites.* (This is already in your list of interests, there is no need to re-iterate)
*I'm looking for a woman who is creative, kind, sensitive, caring and compassionate. I'm looking for a strong woman with a great personality. Someone funny and practical.* (You have two sentences that start the same way. All of this can be combined and some taken out)
Creative – That stays
Kind – as opposed to unkind? Not needed.
Sensitive – in what regard? Cries at the smallest setback? Either define or leave out.
Caring and compassionate –Can stay
Great personality – What is a great personality? It can be said better. I’ll get back to that.
Funny – As in entertain you? Leave out.
Practical – can stay
Why would you want to find an introvert? I think you’d be better off with someone a little bit outgoing, not an extrovert so I think that whole segment can go.
So that leaves us with:
I think I’d be getting along great with someone (you don’t have to say woman, it’s a given) with a creative streak, just like myself. Whatever form the outlet of that creativeness takes is not important but it would allow us to encourage each other and would form the basis of a mutual understanding of and appreciation for the passions we have.
(Skip that part about her being into the same thing, it might be perceived as a must.)
I care a lot about the people and creatures around me. If I can meet someone with the same traits and a personality I’m drawn to, I think we’d mesh okay.
I’ve always wanted to try karaoke so once we have gotten to know each other it will be on my list to do. It would be great if you would come laugh with me, or laugh at me. I might be shy but I’m not shy to make a spectacle of myself. (I took the liberty to make that assumption about you. If it’s not correct, skip it).
And skip the rest about she showing you some cool stuff to do.
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So….to put all this together for easier reading:
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Writing is the outlet for the creativity that’s burning inside me. I mostly write screenplays for horror, fantasy, and action/adventure movies, but sometimes I like to try my hand at short stories as well.
It’s not in my nature to hurt other people, therefore I refuse to do, or say anything that I think might cause another person distress. I always try to be the best person I can possibly be.
I’m an introvert and I usually have something on my mind (Most likely an idea for a screenplay). I also have a very active imagination. That might make me seem a little inattentive at times but if you poke me I promise I will return to earth. I am a little shy though, hopefully the right woman can tempt me to crawl out of my shell a little.
I care a lot about my friends and I try to be there for them if they need to get something off their chest. I also enjoy making people laugh. Straight-faced blunt joking is my forte and usually brings out giggles from people.
I like animals but I don’t have any pets on my own. (Why? Are they not allowed where you live? Not enough time to care for them the way they should be cared for?)
Instead I volunteer at a pet store where I (work with the cats? What exactly is it you do?)
~~That one you have to fix, don’t leave it as is.
I’m an old fashioned guy that sets value on politeness and courteousness. Holding doors open for other people is a given and everyone deserves to be politely treated.
I think I’d be getting along great with someone with a creative streak, just like I have. Whatever form the outlet of that creativeness takes is not important but it would allow us to encourage each other and would form the basis of a mutual understanding of and appreciation for the passions we have.
I care a lot about the people and creatures around me. If I can meet someone with the same traits and a personality I’m drawn to, I think we’d mesh okay.
I’ve always wanted to try karaoke so once we have gotten to know each other it will be on my list to do. It would be great if you would come laugh with me, or laugh at me. I might be shy but I’m not shy to make a spectacle of myself.
First date:
(I’d make it short, for example):
Let’s meet for coffee or the beverage of your choice. If we click and decide to go on that first date I will by then know a little about you and can come up with a suggestion I think both of us would find enjoyable.
Finally, I’d take off some requirements. Don’t restrict yourself to only receiving mail from females. There are many people who like to communicate beyond the realm of dating. Say for example that another guy would like to talk to you about your warcraft interest, if he tries to mail you he’d be blocked.
Also, the age range. Say if for example someone like I would have wanted to send you this in private (or have had something else I’d wanted to discuss with you), I would be blocked.
Same goes for married and must have picture…lots of people use this site as a community and not only for dating purposes. You are limiting yourself from having possible fruitful and interesting discussions with people by enforcing all this filters.
I hope this helps…. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:43:27 PM | This forum is for profile reviews. The OP asked for one. He didn't ask how to fix his game, and we can't do that for him anyway; it has to come from within. The fact that he has no game has NOTHING to do with his profile. Help him craft a profile and from there we can work the approach to securing dates and such. Put aside the blatant rules violations for a second... calling someone names certainly isn't going to get them to wake up and smell the maple nut crunch.
OP you're getting lots of advice so I'm not going to really look at the profile just yet. What I will say though is you need to work on those obvious self-esteem, self-concept, and self-confidence issues and do so pronto. These hindrances can really put a block on all aspects of life and dating is so far down the ladder in terms of importance. Here's a couple of exercises that I'm going to suggest you take advantage of:
1. Jump in your car and drive a ways from your home network area where you are almost certain to not bump into someone you might know. Hit up a busy mall, a university campus center, or a market and have a list of random questions prepared in a small notepad or on your cell phone. Pick a question and stop someone in passing and ask them the question but do it with a smile, even if it kills you. If you need to have a glass of wine or something before you do this then do so. Just ask the random question and when you have your answer thank the person. In terms of questions try: do you have the time, can you point me in the direction of the nearest bookstore, do you anything about melons, etc. Okay, so the melons one was for effect but if you're in a market it might just score you a date with the right woman! Be polite and do this often. Maybe make it a weekly outing and spend an hour or two at the mall doing this. Make sure to ask different questions and to move around so someone doesn't watch you doing this and either laugh at you or report you as a potential creeper.
2. Selflessly compliment strangers. Again, do this where you would not know people. Go about your business but people watch and when you see someone with a characteristic or trait you find attractive or impressive strap on a set, go up to them with a smile again and say "excuse me miss, but I couldn't help but notice you've got great eyes. Have a nice day!" or "that's a great bag! Can you tell me where I'd find one like it?".
Once you've done these enough and your confidence is bolstered somewhat you can start flirting with women or simply asking them to join you for a coffee or a drink quickly and then you can work on your conversation skills. I too was really shy and socially inept a few years ago. I literally forced myself to grow a set and seize what I want. You can too.
The reason I stress this is because to add to what Yev said... the profile is merely the foot in the door but not only is that door perhaps the fire escape right now and you risk repercussions, it's likely to slam in your face randomly, only diminishing your self-esteem and confidence even more. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:53:23 PM | Well, I've been coming in here for help and it seems that there are so many things wrong with me that I can't date. Every time I come back on here it seems worse. It hurts really badly. I feel very depressed and stressed when I think about this normal thing that everybody does called dating. It makes me worry a lot and I feel inadequate among other people because of it.
I can write things, but someone else managed to write a better profile for me. In order to improve myself it may take years and I just cannot wait that long anymore. I've never even kissed a woman and it hurts like a knife in my heart. I don't know what to do. It's all so overwhelming.
So I just have one question right now. Is dating supposed to hurt this much? | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:02:12 PM | Dating doesn't hurt at all. It's the attitudes a person carries, about the situation and the circumstance, that hurt and you can control and/or change these attitudes. You are likely in no place emotionally to be dating as I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that dating isn't the only section of your life that's got you down currently. You need to gain control of your mindset and frame your thoughts in a way that positivity rules your life. You yourself have the power to manifest change.
Have you ever heard of the book The Secret? I'm not a fan of the book and personally I think it's all common sense but the media has hyped it as the next great thing, but in cases like yours I think it does a world of good as you're likely overlooking some critical but obvious points in your life. Pick up this book and digest it. Just remember there are plenty of people around you who would give their neighbour's left nut to help you out I'm sure. Use all your resources here. You want this so get up off your seat and seize it. In my situation I was terrified, but in time it went away. The same went for the feelings of rejection. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:04:11 PM |
So I just have one question right now. Is dating supposed to hurt this much?
When you're just starting out, yes... It's almost like learning to ride a bike. You're going to get on, try to build up your confidence, and then fall flat on your face with some cuts, bruises, and maybe even some scars that stay with you. You pick yourself back up, learn from your mistakes, and try again. Eventually, you're on that bike saying "Look ma, no hands!" and away you're going.... Keep your head up.
Edit - Duece, you're right the dating itself is not what hurts, it's the emotional reactions/responses and attitudes, I was just trying ot be a little more generic, but good points!
What I can gaurantee is that having a positive attitude, even when it seems very hard to do so, will help tremendously! As a kid learning to ride a bike, we were all positive and we said "I can do this". If it will help, look in the mirror everyday and say outloud "I can do this" and do that every day until you do it with a smile because you believe it.
Instead of putting the pressure on yourself to succeed at "dating" as a whole, take small steps in the right direction... the first step? Online, it's going to be getting your profile in order, and next will be exchanging emails once, then twice, etc...
I see you work retail, so I assume you deal with people alot, alot of random people. Those same communication skills apply in your personal life too, don't be afraid to use them!
In the real world, that first step may be just getting the courage to say hi to some random person, or ask them for the time, etc... as another poster mentioned.
Since we're here, and in the profile reviews threads, let's keep going with that. If you're up for it, and stay positive, I gaurantee there will be people on this thread for however long it takes to get it to where it needs to be, and to where you are happy about it and believe it conveys "you".
Shall we continue?
-D4GL | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:15:25 PM | Matt, dating is very stressful if you let it be. If it is something that gets to you, it can be full of failed efforts, rejection, crushed hopes and many many heartaches.
There are people in your boat. My first date was when I was 37 years old. Until then, I never had a kiss, never flirted, never had any woman aware that I found her interesting or attractive. There are people of all ages who are not ready for world of dating. There are many teenagers who had greater history of dating than myself. It happens. I see some people coming out of marriage who have last dated over quarter century ago. They don't know any more than you do. It is hard, it is depressing, it makes you feel happy when things go well but crushed when they don't.
That is why you really have to be ready for it. Profile gets you some interest, interest gets you first date. After that, it is uncharted waters. Read what Deuce wrote about his experience and advice he gave you - he is, as always, insightful, and he went through the process. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:23:53 PM |
I can write things, but someone else managed to write a better profile for me.
That's why I don't rewrite entire profiles for people. I prefer to let them speak with their own voices -- and they usually relate to the finished product better.
OP, like everything else, it's a learning process. Change can be painful. Only you can decide if the pain of staying the same is worth risking the possible pain of change. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:36:18 PM | Hi Matt, this is what I would like to see you need to do, read message 34 very carefully. Then reflect on what Deuce has said for a while. Then go back, and read it AGAIN, and then grab yourself by your briches, lift your chin, and do as he has suggested! Deuce is ABSOLUTELY right!
As badly as I wish I could, I CAN NOT help you with anything other than you profile, only YOU are able to help YOU.
Best wishes
Jerry | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:41:56 AM |
In order to improve myself it may take years and I just cannot wait that long anymore. I've never even kissed a woman and it hurts like a knife in my heart. I don't know what to do. It's all so overwhelming.
Matt,
This is not the area to get help with anything else than your profile. You sound very troubled and maybe you should tell your story in the Dating and Love section. Plenty of people will try to help you (and some will be smart alecs, but ignore them).
Also, open up your filter settings so people can WRITE you. There are many people who prefer to talk to you in private rather than add to a thread. But YOU have to make it possible to do so.
I wanted to send this to you in private since it's off topic for the most part but I can't due to your filter settings.
It's up to you Matt. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:33:14 PM | | Okay, it's less restricted now. Thank you all for your advice. I can't say I feel any better honestly since this has been a very depressing excercise for me to feel this bad, but all of your advice is appreciated and I ponder over it now every day. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have a few ideas now. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:53:09 PM | Well Matt, go ahead and post in the Dating and Love section about how you feel and ask for advice. There are many good people who will do their darnest to help you in that forum as long as you explain how you feel properly and not just say "I can't get any dates".
You can use your message 35 on this page since it pretty much describes how you feel but leave out the question at the end.
You can let people know it started as a profile review but that you realized it went further than that.
Do it! You will be helped.
Nordic. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:33:33 PM | The only new observation that I would like to add is when I viewed your profile, the beard struck me right away. Don't take this the wrong way, but it reminded me of the beatnik generation. I'm imagining you without it, and I think you would look a lot cuter. You look like you have a nice face underneath.
Also, you said that you can't wait that long to employ the self-improvement ideas that people have recommended to you here. You're 30 years old. Do you have other plans? Something better to do? You will keep trying and will make improvements that perhaps can't be measured from day-to-day; but from month-to-month.
Cowboy up, okay? Women like a confident man. If a man appears too needy or weak, women may want to care for and nurture him to help; but they will grow weary of his weakness. They don't want to shoulder a man.
You may feel like you have a hopeless task to try to find someone. But at least you have two legs that work, a voice that you can use; you're mobile, with an intelligent mind. Don't take any of that for granted. There are those who are quadraplegics, those who can't use their voice, and those with brain damage who would cut off their right arms (if they could move) to be in your shoes. Look at all of the things you have to work with. How fortunate you are. Good luck. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:53:26 PM | | If i shave the goatee then everyone will see my small chin. It makes my face look fatter without it. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:23:30 AM | | I just looked at your profile again. At the bottom, it shows your last five forum posts plain as day. It does for everyone else's profile, too. To be honest, anyone who views your "new and improved" narrative will turn away when they notice, and click on, your forum posts down below because it's not that difficult for a person to read how troubled you are from what you've written in the forum. Changing your ad wording is not wiping the trail clean from how you arrived there. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:13:11 AM |
I just looked at your profile again. At the bottom, it shows your last five forum posts plain as day. It does for everyone else's profile, too. To be honest, anyone who views your "new and improved" narrative will turn away when they notice, and click on, your forum posts down below because it's not that difficult for a person to read how troubled you are from what you've written in the forum. Changing your ad wording is not wiping the trail clean from how you arrived there
No worries OP, get your profile where you want it, save the text somewhere, delete and recreate you account with the same information ;) if you are worried about that. We see people do it all the time. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:42:36 AM |
No worries OP, get your profile where you want it, save the text somewhere, delete and recreate you account with the same information ;) if you are worried about that. We see people do it all the time.
Even that might be excessive. The profile shows last 5 messages posted. If OP participates in the forums, then the messages in this thread will soon scroll off the profile.
Now, someone who is interested in you, OP, might want to dig further. She can go to one of your messages on the forums and pull up either "history" page or "last 25 posts" page. Your messages will be there for a longer time. And the only way to get rid of that is post a lot, which may not be something that you want to do. Certainly not to the point of spamming, just to erase the history.
And then, there is the question of how wise it is to hide yourself that much to begin with. My take on the flaws in my personality (and I have plenty) is that I am not advertising them, but I do want my partner to know.
Why? Because they are interpretation of how I act. We all read between lines of the people we deal with. If I am not making a first move toward physical contact, is it because I am sending a signal that I am not physically attracted or is it because I want to see some kind of a signal that it would be welcomed? If I don't seem to talk about myself, is it because I am trying to hide something or just that I have issues opening up? If I make a lousy kiss, is it because I just wasn't into it, or because I am badly out of practice? By concealing who I am and my personality flaws, I might be sabotaging my chances far worse than I would be by revealing them. | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:54:04 PM | Hi Matt,
to address your question about your goatee -
You have your own style of appearance. You have your reasons.
People here are only offering suggestions.
Whatever you decide needs to please you first!
Best wishes,
twwr | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:07:23 AM | Getting out of the house for things other than work is important and will help you feel like you life a full life. Just having a girl will not do this for you. I must come from within as well. I suggested stopping at your local rec center and getting a list of there adult class. Learn something new and interact with others, including (possibly) single women at the same time.
Folk or ballroom dancing is also a fun way to be social. The people are always very accepting and DO NOT expect you to know how. I do Scottish Country and have met a lot of new friends through my club.
Don't forget that your profile is about you. You've lost your own voice a bit. I'd suggest trying to rewrite everything in your own words. I'm also going to join the shave and a hair cut crowd. I'd suggest just telling the barber to do what he thinks best. I did that a few months ago and an quite happy with the results although I am still getting used to having short hair.
Best Wishes | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/30/2008 6:15:22 PM | | Well, I'm not really looking to date anymore. I guess I'm just too messed up. Now I can't seem to make friends on here. So how do I fix my profile now? | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/30/2008 6:40:50 PM | Hi MattChris,
Your profile is fine for friends. No need to fix anything! Just keep emailing people.
It does take work to make friends. And I have met some really wonderful people here, men and women.
I send out lots of emails. I don't always get answers back. And some people I stay in touch with.
With friends, I find the emails go back and forth every few days or weeks.
Just keep at it. It's called experience!
The rest will come. Don't rush.
twwr | |
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| Need help with my profile
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:47:53 PM | Hi Matt, I think what you have there should work just fine!
But the most important thing you need to remember is that YOUR effort and additude is the key to making those friends.
Stay positive, and keep the spirit, you are not alone!
I only get a few relpies for every 100 e-mails I send out, so you need to stick with it and not give up too quickly.
Best wishes
Jerry | |
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