| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:17:07 PM | Hi..... Men don't think about what they look like or what we might think about their bodies, so why should we worry what they think.. If they want Sharon Stone let them go get her ,  After 50 a guy is lucky to get a woman to go to bed with him... most of them are baldies, bellies and droopies.  I think men should be more concerned than women  | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:19:49 PM | I keep coming back to this thread because it is encouraging to see that not all men judge women's physical appearance as harshly as some do. I actually broke off a connection with a guy after 2 dates because he was so attractive, and he seemed pretty focused on looks, and I just felt he wouldn't sustain interest in me if we got naked together. More, to the point, I just didn't feel I could be comfortable enough to get naked with him. So I told him we didn't click in the way I thought we needed to to continue dating.
Now, some of you will say that it was my limitations, not his, that led me to that conclusion; that perhaps is true to some extent. However, he talked about his "good" and "bad" side and his receding hairline bothering him and how he was in a battle against aging and didn't want to accept aging and death. Maybe he wouldn't have judged me as harshly, but I suspect he would have. I just didn't want to deal with a rejection and so I deflected the situation.
In reality, there are guys in their 50's who still want a woman with a "hot" bod, and they define hot as thin and toned. There are others who don't mind a woman softening as she ages and find the interaction between and the hope of getting naked is the turn-on, despite a bodies "flaws" (even if they admire women who still have those other kinds of bodies). There is another category of men that don't even give it much thought and just revel in being with a smart, kind, fun woman.
For me to be comfortable, and attract a guy, he has to be in the last two categories. I have the intelligence, wit, and enthusiasm to be a great partner to the right man. Now I have to find him, and I have to recognize it when I find him and not let my own insecurities get in the way.
That leads to a bigger issue, not the way men feel about us, but the way we feel about ourselves. Men find women sexy if the woman feels sexy. Women tend to feel sexy if we think we look good "enough", a word that has great variations in meaning. The challenge as an older woman is one we all have to face. We have to develop a solid enough core of security and self-confidence so that we don't allow the realities of an aging body stop us from getting out there and having fun.
Men may have this issue, but I suspect it is a greater issue with women, as most of us have really struggled at times to meet male-defined criteria for attractiveness. Now guys, don't jump all over me. I am talking about a patriarchal culture that exalts all that is masculine and devalues a lot that is related to being female, and rigidly judges our worth by our attractiveness. Not all men do this, I know. But, enough do and it starts affecting women when they are little girls wanting approval and wanting to be "good enough". Advertising and television teach us what it takes to be "beautiful". It is a myth, but I don't know a single woman who has entirely escaped the myth and who hasn't had to work hard to feel good about herself. (actually, I know one, but she was raised in India, so I guess I am talking about white, western culture).
So here I am at 49 finding it harder to take off the pounds that have crept up, never knowing that the weight I was at 39 would seem like a great weight to be again. If only I'd appreciated myself more and worried less!. The reality is, although I am exercising and eating healthy and less, I may never see that weight. And cultural messages abound that say I am not desirable or deserving of love at this weight. It is insane, but once again I have to answer those voices and love myself enough to act as if I believe I am worthy, even on days I don't feel like it. It is a hard thing to do, and I don't know how many guys understand the complex psych0-dynamic that goes on with a lot of women about their weight and desirability, but let me tell you... it ain't easy!
I am, like most women, trying to love myself as I am while still trying to improve (even if the goalpost has been moved). Meanwhile, regarding getting naked...I'd better be feeling some emotional regard for you and from you or I'm not going there.
Thank you all for letting me put this out there. I've been processing it for many months now and it helps to not have to hide it in shame, but bring such thoughts into the light of day.
Peace | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/2/2008 2:00:11 PM |
And cultural messages abound that say I am not desirable or deserving of love at this weight. It is insane, but once again I have to answer those voices and love myself enough to act as if I believe I am worthy, even on days I don't feel like it. It is a hard thing to do, and I don't know how many guys understand the complex psych0-dynamic that goes on with a lot of women about their weight and desirability, but let me tell you... it ain't easy!
And I find it insane that in most areas of my life I consider myself to be a confident woman...not so when it comes to my body image...I've had this internal struggle for many years....not trying to put the entire blame on my ex but the fact remains he did leave for a younger, prettier model (not with her anymore btw) and it knocked the he11 out of my self-esteem.....still working on that though.
I am, like most women, trying to love myself as I am while still trying to improve (even if the goalpost has been moved). Meanwhile, regarding getting naked...I'd better be feeling some emotional regard for you and from you or I'm not going there.
I could have penned this statement....
...maeflowers
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/2/2008 2:05:49 PM | | It seems to be more important to me to feel as if a man finds me sexy and attractive as far as appearance than it did when I was younger. Maybe since I have met so many men who do not find larger women attractive and seemed to be attracted to me, only to find out later that they were not really, just acted as if they were until someome who was really attractive to them came along. Like many of us, we wish to find a man who likes it all, our appearace, wit, intelligence, personality, etc......the entire packaage. The man who has caught my interest lately finds me very visually appealing and it is kind of different since he would not be interested in me if I was a lot thinner, versus many I have met who might have been interested in me if my physical appearance had been different. So now I am wondering if he will see me as anything but a pretty face and gorgeous body (his words), and it is frustrating. I feel secure naked, the human body is appealing. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/3/2008 11:32:58 AM | I do have to challenge one thing that I have seen in several posts. I do not for a moment believe that women look at themselves as a man does. Rather they look at other women with a discerning eye and then turn the same eye on themselves in the full-length mirror both naked and clothed. I think it is a myth that women have put unrealistic standards on themselves. It is women who have done it to themselves by comparing themselves to other women.
And, by the way, I think men have done the same thing to themselves. As a young man I was very slender (6' 3" and 155 lb) though strong and athletic. Of course I wanted to have broader shoulders and more muscles, and it took me a few years to realize that lots of ladies are not attracted to body-builder types and prefer a younger man. How many men worry over the size of their "package" in spite of the fact that the majority of women do not put that high on their list of concerns? | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/3/2008 9:55:41 PM | | I don't feel insecure getting nekked in the least... Actually ~ I'm very content with my appearance... Naturally I'd prefer a full head of hair as opposed to my thinning hair, but it could be worse... I could have a gut and be mostly bald.. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:29:07 AM |
I do not for a moment believe that women look at themselves as a man does. Rather they look at other women with a discerning eye and then turn the same eye on themselves in the full-length mirror both naked and clothed.
Wayward, I can see flaws in other women, but I put their flaws in context and also see all the things about them that I think are cute or sexy. I only wish I were as nice to myself and as forgiving of my own imperfections. A few men have been able to make me feel sexy because I knew they really believed everything they said to me and their actions and the way they treated me proved it. Casual sex increases most women's insecurities because it shows us we're easily discarded or forgotten for a few weeks so therefore we obviously weren't all that special or sexy to the guys who said all the right things to see us naked to begin with. I've noticed all my life that there's a certain smugness in women who have been happily married for years (or maybe I'm just jealous), but they sure aren't worried about whether they look good naked. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/4/2008 11:34:12 AM | I recently had a conversation with a man who was a former athelete and still has a firm etched physical form and I commented that I didnt feel as "desirable" as I once was having become a softer larger version of myself and developing the "mommy tummy" yet still possessing a figure of an hourglass shape of a larger scale I managed to not lack for attention...he laughed at me and said he had been with atheletes as well and found the form of a softer more feminine body more appealing; that the only hard body he wanted in his bed would be his...LOL and that the tummy I so loathed was his idea of gods greatest creation of a cozy soft pillow to lie his face against instead of the bones of a woman's ribs or pertruding hips...
he claimed the best place to fall asleep was lying between a womans legs with his face against her tummy, that little round paunch .....and delightfully claimed hmmmm yes so close to being "home"...the best place to be.....
Gave me a different perspective on the whole idea, yet I wonder how many men feel the same....cozy and soft Vs firm hard and taught....to each his own is my conclusion and if what I am is not sufficient for someone; kindly please step out of the way for a gentleman who appreciates me, dont waste either of our time; life is way too short to sweat all this small stuff... and in truth we gals are not the only bodies changing.....gravity plays havoc on us all, lets be realistic.....LOL
funny I remember Marilyn Monroe as being a soft cushy woman and isnt she considered one of lifes all time sex kittens.....I dont think I know a man alive that wouldnt have wanted to fulfill that fantasy....so why should we be any different?
Embrace your female body, its a gift, and men will desire to embrace it also... simply amazing how that works... | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/4/2008 12:09:27 PM | If I like the gal dressed ......
I will like her undressed.
I said the same thing on another tread several months back.
I am very sure - most guys feel the same way - about this topic. (and mean it) | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/4/2008 12:14:41 PM |
Casual sex increases most women's insecurities because it shows us we're easily discarded or forgotten for a few weeks so therefore we obviously weren't all that special or sexy to the guys who said all the right things to see us naked to begin with. I've noticed all my life that there's a certain smugness in women who have been happily married for years (or maybe I'm just jealous), but they sure aren't worried about whether they look good naked.
That is exactly what I noticed too.  | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:20:06 PM | My, my jhn456, we are feeling very defensive and insecure, aren't we????I won't be "kissing your tiny little ass...." I don't "do" anorexics! | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/4/2008 11:54:23 PM |
My, my jhn456, we are feeling very defensive and insecure, aren't we????I won't be "kissing your tiny little ass...." I don't "do" anorexics!
That's jnh... btw.
I'm not insecure at all, don't have any reason to be ,defensive yes, and the reason for that is because so many fat people just have to make nasty remarks about someone that isn't. Ha ha, I'm not anorexic, have been this size my whole life, as my mother was, as my sisters are. I "was" sorry I was so rude, but not so much anymore. :) And just so you know, I don't do fat people either. It's funny how OMG you are not suppose to talk about how fat someone is, but fat people can call names, and put down small people all they want and that's just okay.
There's guys out there for everyone, big, fat, ugly, and SMALL. You don't have to make fun of people, just because they happen to be blessed enough not to have to fight the fat war. I don't usually make fun of fat people, but I will if they feel that insecure to make fun of me, or others like me, what's the difference. But I'm sure I'm a lot kinder toward fat people, than you are slim people.  | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:39:33 AM |
do you honestly think it's because of the appearance of your body in his eyes?
'hizdog' knows the order of bond and bind. 
If you can reveal to your partner your inner dreams and worries, if you are able to share and deal with whatever life throws in your way together then to let slip neglige on the floor and curl up next to each other in Adam & Eva's attire feels perfectly normal and right. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:56:52 AM |
Casual sex increases most women's insecurities because it shows us we're easily discarded or forgotten for a few weeks so therefore we obviously weren't all that special or sexy to the guys who said all the right things to see us naked to begin with. I've noticed all my life that there's a certain smugness in women who have been happily married for years (or maybe I'm just jealous), but they sure aren't worried about whether they look good naked.
I don't find either of those statements to be true in my own life. I do not find my married women friends to be smug at all. My married women friends are kind and compassionate. Of course, I wouldn't choose them for friends if they weren't. The casual sex I've engaged in over the last couple of years made me feel good and feel good about myself. I didn't go into it expecting any more than it was and I was selective with whom I engaged, but it made me feel sexy and desirable. The lovers I chose were skillful and enjoyable to be with and, with only two exceptions, genuinely caring. I truly enjoyed their company for the brief time we shared together. I didn't feel discarded or used and, in fact, I deliberately chose men I could not, for practical reasons, get involved with or would see later precisely because all I wanted was a nice encounter at that moment. This would not have worked for me in my past and it does not work for all women. However, it did work for me during the last couple of years and I have no regrets or ill will towards the men whose company I've enjoyed. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 12:03:00 PM | Arwen, I have married friends and sisters too and most have their ups and downs just like everyone else so they don't feel they're better than anyone else. I was married for 20 years the last time and I had nothing to be smug about. I guess what I should have said is happily married with husbands who adore them and treat them like queens. They seem to take their good marriages and nearly perfect husbands for granted. Obviously they did choose a little more wisely than many of us did and their lives have been much easier because of it. It's what we all want but most of us don't find so easily. Some people marry the first person they're in love with and they actually live happily ever after. I've known some of those women very well and many of them are indeed very smug with very little sympathy or understanding for people who chose less wisely and ended up with partners who were abusive or who cheated or had addictive personalities. I tried to talk to my sister-in-law about her brother's (my husband's) drinking but she happened to be one of the very happily married women with a great husband and she wasn't interested in trying to get the family involved or talking to him about getting some help. I was on my own and she implied that there must be something wrong with me if my husband had to drink. I eventually left him and he died from cirrhosis of the liver 6 years later. They thought I was the "bad" guy and treated me accordingly when he died, but that wasn't the first time I had run into that kind of attitude from a few other married women who also gave me the impression that I must not be as perfect as they were or I wouldn't have had the problems I was having.
If casual sex makes you feel good about yourself, that's great. It's never worked that well for me. I tried it between marriages when I was in my early 20's and I tried it a few times after leaving my husband. To me it only proves I can easily find lots of men who want to have sex with me. One guy got married and still wanted to keep seeing me, but that didn't make me feel sexy and desirable at all. ( I didn't see him again although he kept trying until I refused to talk to him.) Finding someone to have sex with is very very easy. Finding someone who cares about me and who I care about and with whom there is also sexual passion is much more difficult. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 1:26:05 PM | findmebabe, heres one vote...
My ex had the same concern and made the same comment
And I told my ex the same thing.. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 2:11:23 PM | | well I don't know if this will help but I went out with a lady who was without doubt the sexiest woman I have ever known...all she did was apologize for her body...Gets boring after awhile...Listen to what your man says and believe hime because thats how he feels...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...As we get older we appreciate what is REALLY important....just enjoy the moments cause every good thing comes to an end | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 4:01:02 PM | | Some men lie and say they like a woman's body when in essence they are only trying to get to consent to have sex. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:08:15 PM |
If you can reveal to your partner your inner dreams and worries, if you are able to share and deal with whatever life throws in your way together then to let slip negligee on the floor and curl up next to each other in Adam & Eva's attire feels perfectly normal and right.
This woman knows what binds and it goes beyond those beautiful gams.....
To listen is to connect, to love is to see beyond the senses which matters the most,
it's shape fills the soul and sooths the heart. This, mine friends is naked truth. | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:41:36 PM | Thank goodness for this thread. I have had the same fear, that seeing me naked would make a man run for the hills!!! The last years of my marriage I did let my self go. Now I am "rebuilding" and most of the time I am very happy with myself and what I have accomplished, lost 94lbs so far.
Thank you to the women and especially to the men who wrote their opinions. I now feel good about myself all the time. Now I just need to meet a man that has the same opinions as the men on this thread!! you guys do really exist right?  | |
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| feeling insecure naked......
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:56:58 PM | | Maybe this is why our eyesight deteriorates as we age, so we can't see the insignificant! | |
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