| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 12:32:54 AM | I would suggest a better 50:50 split. You mow the lawn once a week; he mows it once a week (I am shocked that the grass grows so fast where you are; I need only cut mine once every month). He does half of everything else that you currently do...
I suspect that there is more to the equation here than you are revealing. How much does it count for that he takes care of your child every evening whilst you are working? That might seem like a chore to him, mightn't it?
If this problems is causing too much friction why don't you both contribute equally to a cleaner?
I think you were very unwise to move in with someone without first establishing how it would work. Damned if I'd be sharing my space with someone if I didn't like the way he did things... I suspect there is more to your story than meets the eye. Who owns the house? Is there some other reason why he (in his own mind) might feel justified in expecting you to take responsibility for the house work?
I think you moved in together too soon and if your relationship is so unstable and unsupportive and unloving that you can't establish ground rules that you're both happy with, you should move out before you start wanting to stab his lazy ass to death in his sleep. Just saying.. | |
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puaka
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Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 27 | |
| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:03:47 AM | You picked a bonehead for a BF.
Tell him he is not a child, and as a partner its commonsense to help one another so your household and relationship runs smoothly. If he want to pull them silly mind games on you, leave his washing sitting in the laundry.
Maybe you don't need a man in your life right now because the one you have is giving you grief. You probably need a timeout so you can work on a better schedule for your life so you are not overworked. The man you introduce into your life from then on tell him what you would like so you don't repeat the crap you are going through now. You will find too that the load you put on yourself is something you can cut back so you are not too overworked.
For your man to expect you to do everything needs to go back to his mommy. You are his lover not his slave. I will not marry a guy like that, ever. I will kick him out. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:22:07 AM | Well it is obvious your BF has been raised that a woman's place is in the home and no matter what you do, your duty to him is to to keep the house clean.
If you can accept this, then stay, if not you might have hit a sticking point. If you want 50/50 then you are with the wrong man. I doubt he would even allow you to hire someone to do it for you as you would be "less of a woman" in his eyes if you did and he would complain about that too.
The choice is yours, accept it or not. That is what living together prior to marriage does, it brings out little idiosyncrasies that either may have not been discussed or may not have been honestly discussed.
Good luck! | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 3:17:55 AM | Division of household chores is a major issue with couples...right up there with religion, money and sex.
I learned the hard way, that this needs to be discussed/agreed upon before the moving in happens. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 3:25:51 AM | | I think it really depends on what all the extras are that take up your time. For a guy, dishes take a couple minutes tops when you're done eating, especially if you use lots of paper or disposable plates. Kitchen counters get wiped down when you're done with whatever you made. Kitchen floor and bathroom are a once a week quick wipe down, just to keep them crud free; we don't 'polish' stuff unless it is our car. Laundry we stuff in the washer, take out, stuff in dryer, wait for the buzzer, take it out and fold it, and we're done; neither takes a lot of time. Cleaning the house is quick vacuuming and cleaning dust off of anything that looks dusty. We usually put up blinds, shades and/or curtains and leave them there until they fade out, then we buy new ones. Refridgerators get cleaned when we spill something, or if we see something dirty or if it smells. That's how 90% of batchelors live. If you are doing more, especially ironing, intricate dusting, re-arranging stuff, it's probably your decision, not his. I've read lots of studies over the years that say that men and women don't 'evenly' split housework; but that doesn't take into account what we do when we are single. Women living alone spend twice as much time working around the house as men do. Maybe we don't care so much about the decorative aspect of the home, and often we just have a higher 'filth' tolerance than women do, so we don't clean as often. Men simply don't identify ourselves with the condition of our home. Women do. Then when we move in together, women seem to think the men should start living, and cleaning, like she does. And we don't. Therein lies the problem. JMHO. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 3:55:00 AM | Oh, man!
I was just wondering if he is justified for a lack of a better word in feeling this way, he claims that I dont care about him and I do not respect him because I cannot respect our house...
This is the only part that concerns me because all the rest is pretty common for having lived together such a short time. You two are embroiled in the power struggle that often takes place when 2 adults decide to become partners, w/o fully understanding all the components of partnering, much less how to live it. But first, just cause his comment is so incredibly cave man and manipulative...tell him to get fukked! You don't wear his clothes and you don't dirty 'em up! He's being disrespectful to himself for not being responsible enough to take care of his own clothing. Really, does he do your laundry?? No, of course not! He's also disrespecting the partnership by assigning unspoken roles and expectations without fully understanding, much less, embracing, the meaning of "partnership". Further, to not even discuss and explore the roles and expectations to such a degree that a mutual agreement is reached, and then holding you accountable for "failing", is disrespectful, too.
There are two adults in this home. That means it takes two to be respectful of the home and the partnership. It is never, ever the role/duty of just one!
In any partnership, success is dependent on determining who does what best. That's based on skill, enjoyment, time needed, etc. If I'm an awesome cook that loves to cook, it makes sense that I do the cooking. But that can't happen if I work until 8 PM, unless we agree that dinner will be at 9. We have to make a choice...late dinner, or he cooks. If he digs things being orderly and organized, but that kind of thing boggles me, then he should be the one to handle those type things. But mostly, the idea is to work together and enjoy finding a way to make it work. (It helps to want it to work.)
And never, ever is it "rightful" that one person stop taking care of and being responsible for themselves. We took care of ourselves before we partnered and partnering doesn't negate the need to continue. When we're being responsible for ourselves, it's pretty impossible for resentment to build.
Underneath all this is the power/"right-wrong" dynamic. Examining why we feel as we do about our roles and expectations goes a very long way. We associate so many values to this stuff and it really does pay to understand what they're all about. That can't happen until you explore your own motivations/reactions and then have a good sit down that communicates clearly exactly how you feel and why. And then, you have to listen to your partner...really listen to them. That's when you'll (both of you) be able to determine what is and isn't effective, and can begin to act as partners. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 4:36:42 AM | | OP..you have several pt jobs it sounds to me, while the BF has few enough that he could take on a few of the ones you have just to give you some me time. if he cant see the value in doing that every thing else in the house and relationship is doomed to breakdown, including the wonderful things that go on the bed room. he supposed to be grown and see outside of himself as how people get tired and need the same kind of breaks he gets. being tired and continuing to push on while someone else in the same house sees how tired the other person is and does little to relieve their partners stress results in incessant arguing and resentment. and it spills over into so many other areas of life. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:10:56 AM | I fully agree with joey-sana, 50/50 split  | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:11:17 AM | | this sounds like a real problem..he should surely be helping around the house more..it will not get better, if you want someone that help with the chores, this guy is not for you, he will always be lazy and not willing to help...his mom probably did everything for him and he will expect this from you in the relationship..good luck | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:24:50 AM | | Switch chores - you mow the lawn and he can try his hand at the other stuff. Maybe he is more efficicient than you and he can show you some shortcuts, or maybe he'll find out it isn't as easy as it looks. I actually enjoy mowing the lawn and consider it easier than some other tasks - and more rewarding when you're done. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:33:35 AM | I can actually see both points.
Your working hard, multi tasking and feeling resentful. He feels that youve taken too much on and letting things slide.
I lived with someone once and like you had a lot on my plate. However my homelife and partner always came first. I couldnt let our washing stack to the ceiling etc. Id work a full day and if need be come home and work there as well to get everything done. My partner at the time was working full time as well as my busy schedule so we were equal. It wasnt about him helping me it was helping our home.
Its about striking the right balance and the first step is to look at your time management and scaling down in areas that you can so you can fit everything in. Its about sitting down together and working things out before this becomes such a huge issue that it seeps in to every area of your relationship. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:36:33 AM | I say talk it out on who does what around the house, but just the chores done  | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:45:47 AM | ~OP~ A very wise woman (thanks Granny!!) told me in no uncertain terms:
"What you allow in the beginning, you can EXPECT in the end."
I would assume that in the beginning of the live-in stage you were most likely excited and doing "your" chores in a much more dedicated fashion (just like many of us in the freshly in love stages.)
We only have to deal with things that we allow. If this isn't working for you and you are feeling overwhelmed. Talk to him about it. When I was married, I made a contract of sort, with my son and husband and made them sign off once week, so no one was confused about who did what. When that didn't work all the time, I hired a high school gal to help twice a week. I figure for about $30.00 a week, I was less burdended and then I wasn't irritated all the time ~ because they didn't want to seem piggish to anyone else, they started kicking in without me asking! HA, more than one way to skin that cat!! Good luck OP.  | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:48:32 AM | Among the myriad of problems in my marriage, this was one of them. It should have been a red flag when he announced unbidden early on that he felt men and women should share the housework. I was married to a yard boy too.
Look at it this way, I was running a business from home, raising three kids and my stepson and dealing with the onslaught of grandchildren when the latter turned 19, and my mother finally at one point started paying a friend of mine to come in once a week and help me with the house. When my friends' husbands are making comments like if it bothers him that much why doesn't he shut the fuk up and do it himself, there is probably a problem.
With the exception of yardwork and putting out the trash, my X's contribution to our lives was eating, sleeping and going to work. While I appreciated his being a good provider, was it really equitable that I did the same thing and also handled everything else? All childcare, paying the bills, running the errands. If I was up until 6 a.m. working, and he had been home all night sleeping (he is a railroader), he would nudge me at 7:00 and tell me I probably needed to get the kids up for school when he knew I had had no sleep.
I suspect that you have fallen into the trap of feeling like you cannot assert yourself with this issue because you have a child and I presume he doesn't, but that was his choice when he got involved so if that factors into your thinking at all, let it go, it is not relevant to the issue. In a calm and non-argumentative moment ask him who did the dishes, laundry and cleaning before you arrived?
It is not your job to care for him as if he is living in a hotel. There is an equitable exchange between inside and outside but if you just count the hours required for the jobs you are spending more time caring for the inside of the home than the outside. Figure out the time and propose him picking up something to make things even. If he says that the inside is your thing, I would really consider whether you want a man or another child. If he doesn't see that you have more responsibilities in the home his attitude is one that will not change and you will either have to work yourself to the point that you become ill, deal with his biatching about how the house looks and do the best you can, or hire someone to clean once every couple of weeks. Merry maids will do the whole house for like $25, it would be well worth not listening to the crap, I assure you. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:59:21 AM | | don't marry this man because this is what you would have to look forward to. If he cared about you, he would see how much you were trying to do to keep it all going and he would automatically pitch in. I spent time with the same kind of person and I held alot of resentment so I know where you are coming from. Either he likes the living together arrangement or he does not. If he does, remind him it is a 50-50 situation. Maybe he is used to having mother take care of him and now you are taking mothers place. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:15:22 AM | I want to address the 50/50 split remarks. If you are only putting in 50% of your energy into a relationship physically and emotionally, then you are only putting in half of what you could contribute. A relationship requires 100% from both parties to succeed. No one will ever tell you a successful relationship is easy…on the contrary, it takes all you have to offer. So in reality a successful relationship is 100/100.
OP…real men don’t need to be told what to do; they get off their couches and get the job done. The only reason we have to find fault in others is to make ourselves feel better about our own shortcomings. My thought…he feels guilty about his lack of effort and takes it out on you. If you “love” the guy, communicate to find a compromise where the chores are more evenly distributed. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:15:50 AM | | I have never been married, but i do know this: My parents are still married to each other and they've been married almost 45 years now. If my father has more time than my mother to do chores, OR if shes lagging behind he will do some of those chores for her. Its not always all of them, and usually its not for a very long amount of time. Hell cook, clean bathrooms, sweep and mop floors. And it works vice versa too. She'll take out trash, cut the lawn, use tools etc. Sometimes the roles have to be switched a little so things work out. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:22:52 AM | | I havent read all the replies yet, but why dont you get someone in a couple of times a week to do the housework?? | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:29:43 AM | not sure i understand the whole disrespect angle.......sounds a bit manipulative to me.
i would suggest a maid....one that is paid for her services  | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:35:01 AM | | He is an ass. The man can not clean up after himself and requires you to do his clothes? If you don't you have the problem? Yes your problem is that man! I have zero respect for him. How do people like that ever make it through life? | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:35:18 AM | I always find it laughably sad how many women will complain about their boyfriends not doing enough around the house, and yet allow the pattern to continue to spiral out of control... 
It's 2008 ladies. You've all been given an education, and know that in this day and age, the man you're with should pull his fair share. Yet some of you seem to repeatedly make concessions because you "love him", or "his boyish charms", or "love is compromise" etc...
If you don't do a thing to curtail it aside from whine to your friends/forum posters, then you aren't doing anything to RESOLVE the problem and hence have made your own bed, so lie in it... 
Case in point, my good buddy is a complete lazy a$$ around the house with his wife, and she will nag him occasionally on it, but if he takes too long her neat-freak tendencies get the best of her and she just winds up doing it herself. I keep telling her to just put her foot down, walk away from the condo if need be until you come back to find it clean, because she knows he'll simply play the waiting game trying to get her to cave. She knew he was like this BEFORE they got hitched, and yet went through with it anyway.
And it is precisely why I say love alone without effort is not enough to secure a relationship. They separated once, and I am fearful it will be cropping up again down the road, even if they try to cement things with a baby in the near future. 
OP if you're working longer, earning more, OWN the place you're both living in, and doing all the housework, you're just stretching yourself too thin. Get him to step up, or just drop him, especially if he isn't even the father of your kid. Best of luck!   | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:47:47 AM | Been there, done that...
What I did: Stopped washing any dishes or clothes that did not belong to me or my kids. Stopped picking up any mess not made my me or mine. Stopped putting all of my paycheck in the bank, and only deposited the identical amounts he did.
Eventually, he moved out (the bloodsucker), because he couldn't stand the mess (which was his, since I cleaned up MY part).
Since then I've refused to move in with any man! | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:52:06 AM | | Seems he went from his Mommy's house, into a relationship with a woman who now fulfills that role for him. Tell him to do his own damn laundry, and to wake up, it's 2008 and he needs to pitch in, otherwise he can hire a cleaner and pay for it since he doesn't seem to think it's also his responsibility. Why YOU allow that to happen is beyond me, take some control back in your life and stop doing so much for this man. Sounds like he's looking for a maid and not a partner. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:57:30 AM | What's wrong with you woman! You should be also cutting the lawn. The guy should not do any house chores unless it involves using a chain saw, an ax, or power tools that make a lot of noise and require for the woman to follow through and do some dusting. In fact, while he is changing channels and drinking the beer that I hope you provided for him, very cold, you also find some windex and make sure there are not spots on the TV. But your man should be considerate to help with the dishes, so after you rinse all the crap of the plates and pack the dishwasher, he should oblige to come over and press the button to start. If by any reason he herniates that finger during that process, you should feel for ever guilty and provide voluntary bj to him, but you should pause every time a good beer commercial is on TV. So repent, and see the error of your ways!!!
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/26/2008 12:13:03 PM | Welcome to being an adult.
Sounds like this is both of your first times playing "house". The difference between you two is that you're coming from a situation where you took care of your own issues, and he's not had that experience yet.
From the "Disrespectful" line I'm going to assume that his mom was a SAHM and that his parents had traditional roles in that regard. It totally sounds like he's paroting a conversation he's proably heard between his mom and dad before. You need to break this buck of that habbit asap, or it'll never get fixed.
You need to sit down with him and explain exactly what you think is both expected and required from him as far as household contributions, and that his current behavior is unexcusable. He needs to shift his own weight in one way or another.
Then you two need to draw up a list and make an equitable split of household chores and responsibilities. If he's not holding down a full-time job, then frankly he's the one who has more time to devote to keeping house.
I used to do a lot of contract work when I was married. When I was working, I was putting in 70-80hr weeks easy for 3-6 months at a time, and then I'd be off for a month or two while I secured new work. While I was working, my share of the household chores shrunk drasticly and was mainly "honey do" kind of things on the weekends. When I wasn't working, I'd be the one that did the majority of the cooking and housework, as well as play "taxi" for the kids. I still also maintained my fair share of the financials as well.
The point is, it'll always be a fluid target and you two need to learn to work together to get it sorted out amicably, if you don't then both of your lives will be a living hell. | |
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