| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:21:04 PM | I do think single parents , whether your a dad or a mum are put into the to hard basket when it comes to dating and meeting prospective partners, and there are a lot of stereotypes about single parents.
My previous thoughts before reading this post and comments made was that , i really did believe it would be somewhat easier for men that are single parents , because women in general tend to be a little more open to the prospects of dating someone with children, due to their nuturing nature so there for they would be more than willing to take on some kind of responsibility and lets face it , we all say that our kids have already got a mum/dad , which is true ,but the reality of it is , if you do meet someone and it does become serious and you do the whole co-habitation thing , the partner will be involved both emotionally and financially (well you would hope that they are ). And thats what scares people , and the fact that you worry about your children getting attached to the person you are with and you yourself getting attached to your partners children, I've been there done that and its heart breaking cos you dont just fall in love with your partner , you fall inlove with his/her kids too....
So you want to tread carefully but in the same respect you dont want to be alone forever ....
With that said,
The debate about do you, dont you date people with children is as old as time its self and no one will ever agree, its about choice .
I will only date men that have children because they understand that you have to "plan spontaneity" and i really wouldnt want someone in my life and my childrens life that saw my children as baggage, but thats my choice , just like it is a choice for men or women not to date people with children reguardless of whether you have children or not and i say that because i have met men that have children that dont date women with children and there is nothing wrong with that its like i said , its about choice | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/1/2008 1:10:19 AM | | mate, just to give u a different point of view, i,m a 48 yr old who has a 5 yr old boy, yeh, i know i started late but thats just the way my life panned out! i have been dating off+ on 4 the last couple of years+ i do get varied reactions to my situation. i have learned that it takes soooooooooo many types of women to spin this world, the best thing u can do is kick back+ enjoy the trip! i get women who head for the hills whooping+ ahollering because i have a young bloke but then i take a lady out to yum cha with my boy as well+ have the best time! i suppose it depends on ur mindset, but i continue to look at my life as blessed to be a dad+ i will never be afraid to involve him in the way i choose to pursue the holy grail! i just wish jenn hawkins would pull her finger out+ ring me! lol keep the chin up bud, we are only here for a little while! | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/1/2008 4:23:17 PM | | Hey Rama, i'm a single mother as well, and think that a single dad is the ideal person to get to know better as they have their priorities set out straight, and hon dont consider kids to be baggage, they are just part of the package...and a good package too if your willing to fight for your kids and win in the best interest of them. Alot of guys would have just walked away and not looked back but i do congratulate you on doing what you and obviously the court thought was right....making assumptions can be dangerous and people should learn to look at themselves before judging others... xoxooxox | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:31:06 PM | >>I understand the fear of being number 2,3,4-etc... and i apreciate your views truely i do as i am in the same boat if i am to date a single mum!!!
But if we are to number things what number should i put on my children???
I would just like to ask.....What would you think of the single dad, for arguments sake, that constantly had the children babysat, left at home etc.. so that he could pursue a relationship with a new partner. Would you judge him for putting his sex drive before his children? | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:58:47 PM | | i didn't know there was a 'stigma' with single dads....if i was single with no children...i would date a single father-WHY? because you know they are capable of looking after children and you wouldnt have to teach him to be kiddy friendly....especially if your thinking of having a family,provided YOU can cope with his child/children... | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:34:18 AM | It's unfortunate that this is happening and it appears that it all boils down to the fact that singles with children, especially very young children, are not dateable.
The reality is, you will only be REALLY available for a relationship once your children are grown-up and independent, where they won't be needing you to be around. And the next stage would be the time for yourself, just for you, to enjoy freedom again and, if you wish, search for a partner.
I have dated a few with young children and the funny thing is, I got on well better with the kids than with the father. 
To the OP, if this is only bringing concerns for you, why don't you rule out dating for a while? That way, you can focus more on your kids since you said they are your number one priority. Live up to your words then. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:13:56 AM | I totally disagree with you merrymermaid ...... singles with children are undatable ????? Thanks a lot for that , shoot all us single parents down in flames why dont you . I noticed on your profile you dont have children , how do you know that a single parent is unable to share his or her time equally ? I'm assuming your speaking from great experience ????? ( that was sarcasm, just incase you didnt get it )
I dont think suggesting to the OP that he rules out dating for a while ( sorry if i am speaking for you OP , but us single parents have to stick together ) 
Just because we have kids doesnt mean we are not entitled to some sort of social life, some of us do get time away from our children , shared care , weekends off , that sort of thing , we may not be able to pick up and leave on the spur of the moment , may take a little planning ahead but we can and do get out of the house .....
so yeah thanks merrymermaid for enlightening us single parents and telling us that we are undateable cheers  | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:35:12 AM | Izzy,
I feel for all of you single parents of your predicament and my post is not out to bash or to look down on you but to face to the fact this is a real issue these days. How many single parents here have posted complaining of the same thing? Like I said in my previous post, I have dated men with children and personally, I have no problem with that but also I'm saying that majority aren't prepared to go down that road as many of you would find that with your dates. I don't know why, but all I'm saying is if this is a concern for you, like what the OP has posted, then it may not be the time to add someone in your life just now.
Relationship is one thing, social life is another - fine, go out of the house and enjoy life, no one is stopping you. But when it comes to the crunch of seeking a more permanent and committed arrangement, that's where you are going to have problems whether you choose to admit it or not. And tell me if I am wrong there! This is exactly what this thread is all about in case you haven't grasped the concept of it.
Seek a relationship by all means, but be prepared for a lot of knockbacks.
| |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:56:39 AM |
don't know why, but all I'm saying is if this is a concern for you, like what the OP has posted, then it may not be the time to add someone in your life just now.
Sorry Merry but the OP will always be a single dad and therefore this will always be a problem. I personally haven't experienced this but then I have had a few no-results from messages I've sent so maybe I've experienced it without really knowing.
Frankly OP if the women find it a problem then they're not worth it, but I'm sure you've already come to that conclusion. As you said, at 30+ we're all going to have some baggage so if they don't understand then they're likely to be pretty selfish. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:14:44 AM |
Sorry Merry but the OP will always be a single dad and therefore this will always be a problem.
No, it will not always be a problem. The children will grow up and become independent and will leave home. The OP will have the time for himself then.
But reality sucks that there are selfish people out there who won't give you a second glance or run a mile if they find out you have young children.
Personally, if I have young kids, I won't be here. But then that's just me. | |
|
| |
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:40:34 AM | He's always gonna be a dad...always, but i doubt you can understand this.
I fully and completely understand this.
And I hope those people who are thinking I'm selfish just because I don't have kids will not see me as a green-eyed monster. I have feelings and understanding of your situation. I have raised two of my nephews when they were toddlers when my sister went overseas to study for 4 years. I had to hold my life back and was not given a choice. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:07:15 AM | merrymermaid,
I actually did grasp the concept of the subject matter .....
***I had to hold my life back and was not given a choice*****
yes you did have a choice and you chose to "put your life on hold" and look a family members children, again that was your choice, not all single parents feel they need to put their lives on hold, and want to fall inlove ,thats there right, so please dont dictate to others that they should wait till their children have moved out of home before dating ,thats not your call , even suggesting what you have is condescending at the very least ,
as for your response to my last post , i do know what you are talking about ,people not wanting to date people with children , but as i said in a previous post its about choice ( see above) ......... However in saying that , I not for one minute believe that single parents are undateable , sure there are some setbacks , everyone gets knocked back reguardless of whether they have children or not , I'm sure you get a few dont you ???? just like anyone ............ | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:21:18 AM |
not all single parents feel they need to put their lives on hold, and want to fall inlove ,thats there right, so please dont dictate to others that they should wait till their children have moved out of home before dating ,thats not your call , even suggesting what you have is condescending at the very least
Then you people should stop complaining about the issue - just grin and bear it! Face reality.
What is so condescending about my choice not to date if I have young kids? Like you said yourself , it's a matter of choice, and that's what I would opt to do! | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:51:11 AM | It's pretty woeful thread for someone like me to read, here I am thinking I'd love to find a single dad as I've almost hit the limit of age where I'm comfortable having children and if I happen upon a great guy with kids, wow ready made family in a way.
It looks like single dads are to be scratched off my list *sigh* as they won't be interested in someone that hasn't had kids themselves due to me not 'knowing' how they feel, can only say if they get to know me maybe they might realise although I don't have kids I have other things in my life that require the same sort of thought and dedication... | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:07:52 AM | I am 49 and a single dad to two fantastic young boys.
I do anything and everything with my children and also my ex step children. Like many other single parents I too am here to meet that special someone that would rock my world as much as I would to hers weather she has children or not.
I am not looking for a good time fling or one night stands.
I am looking for a good friend with whom I could build a relationship depending on how things go.
But first and foremost, I am a single parent and like any devoted parent, my children are my first priority and everything else follows.
That doesn't mean that I would have less love to give.
It just means that I have a responsibility to who needs me more. My children, because of their age. I have a good number of female friends that respect me as much I respect them. I'm not expecting a relationship to blossom with any of them and that's OK.
They have been my friends for a long time and we have different tastes and that's also OK.
But I have been on this site for over 18 months and not once can I say that I've come across any women that has really been honest with herself as to what she wants.
And that's OK too.
I don't want anybody near me that doesn't want to be near me at any level.
So keep your head high and your eyes on the horizon and when you come across someone too rude and self centered to give you the time of day, have pitty on the poor fool that ends up with them. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:00:23 PM | coming from the "single dad" seat to being a part time parent has in no way changed the way i hold my son head and sholders above all things else. when i was the single parent i found it hard to meet others as they saw it as a curse that i was steeping up to the plate and it didn't mater if they were single parents or not.
seems that for so many they have a train of thought that a man with a child is unavalibe as they must see them as a threat.
seems that men are more accecpting to single mums than women are to single dads and it shows , there is so much assistance out there for single mums and when a single dad sees the need for assistance it is so limited and hard to find (yet is on the change) .
people without children (for what ever reasion) usualy dont understand the reasions behind why we do what we do but for those of us that choose to put our children first it is a matter of choice and we will always put children first and other things after. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:42:38 AM | and who bagged this thread, its good, just be gentle guys and gals we are aloud an opionion (and thats to no one in particular.)
As for waiting till my kids leave home pfffttt I am 32, fit, healthy and full of beens (exuse the smell) and looking for the same (prefer minus the smell)
By the time my kids leave home I wont be the obove and wont have the option on finding a female without a smell, it will be mandatory (ladys just jokes you "ALL" smell like flowers) any way i dont wont waste the next ?? years becoming so independent, that there will be no room for another special someone??
I tell you there are a few issues i was exepting that haven't arose that was in relation to how does a father become a single dad in the first place. ( not that i want to talk about that) just thought it might raise an eyebrow!
also maybe the prospective woman may be concerned if she would have to deal with single fathers ex, childrens mother etc...
And now that he is a single dad can he still provide with finances it was mentioned but in no depth.
any thoughts??
THE "only" issues i have seen is the fear of being 2nd best to a DEPENDENT child/ren?????
being second in proity is not being second best in love!!?? | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:09:52 PM | ^^^^^ I agree Rama .why wait , use the me time you have to enjoy yourself and hopefully meet a special lady .
I think it takes a special someone to accept someone elses kids ,and if you find that well and good .
I don't think you should put your life on hold until your kids are grown , . I am 43 and my babes are 7 n 9 .Hell I'll be ancient b4 I can date if I wait till they are off my hands .
It can be hard but ke serah I say .Love me love my kids or P1ss off simple .Soon sorts the decent from the morons .Just My Opinion Of Course .
 | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:46:32 PM | Parents have a job to do for and with their children that does place the children in first place and this is to have their children feel safe, loved and accepted. Children need to be socialised into their family values and society so that they can be accepted by their peers and others without losing their uniqueness, this is what parents need to do. The child that is sick, hurting emotionally or just feels sad is the parents favourite and should receive all the love and care it requires.
Gender has no absolute as to whom can perform these tasks it is the parent themselves who do them willingly and lovingly.
My 2nd husband was a far better 'mother' than me and I have no problem admitting that. He had a daughter who came to live with us and unfortunately her mother kept interfering with our household by dismissing my parental role within my own home. This caused a lot of upset to the little person caught up in the middle.
I am now a sole parent of my 3 adult children and they are 3 of the lovliest people I know, they came and still come first when they needed/need to be there.
Me a good parent? No just one who keeps working at it as it is a lifetime project and juggling act.
There is one thing I noticed missing from the above posts and this is something that is often overlooked. If the relationship does not work out/ last then the non-parent loses a whole family not just a spouse/partner as the children automatically go with their parent. And given the amount of children who have experienced this loss for a second or more time/s, then fear could be what has them cancelling out of getting to know single Dads/Mums?
Cheers to all the single parents, male/female, fulltime/part-time   | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:14:02 PM | is there one? hmmmm might be more what you wish to make a priority and what you dont.
i decided when my marriage ended and the kids were only 8 and 6 at the time, that they needed me more than I needed another relationship. given that their father had no time for them it was then an easier decision to make. they were my priority! i did not seek to date or seek a relationship, i just got on with the job of parenting and working. they had my dedication for 10 years and I now see the benefits of that, and so do they.
easy to say kids are your number one, but are they really when you still bring other partners into their already tumultuous world and are constantly looking for a relationship? to me it was one or the other - I chose the children's well being and happiness to be first and foremost and I didn't need to justify it to anyone. sometimes you can't have it all............. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:25:37 PM | I feel there is not a parent here that would not put their children 1st .
Every person has their own story and belief . I really think you can have it all, just depends how you handle things. Each to their own ,you gotta do wot you think is rite for you and your kids .What works for 1 might not work for others .
| |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:47:55 PM | I applaud those of you men who are in their childrens lives.
So many of us have had to play the dual role.
Who I would date depends on a number of factors. Children being only one of them.
No stigma here. | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:00:58 AM | Im not sure there is a stigma......but if you say so I guess there must be.
Personally I would much rather spend my time with a man who looks after his own then a man who doesnt bother with his kids. I think how a man behaves with his own flesh and blood says a lot about him.
Anyway if he has kids that come first and I have kids that come first, all the kids can come first together and we can just sit and get drunk.....win/win!!
Was joking BTW!! | |
|
| why is there a stigma against single dads
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:16:23 AM | I'm not aware of the stigma you guys are talking about.
In fact, I would have thought the opposite as I've had a number of women say that they prefer a guy who can bring up kids on their own as it shows a character they like.
I do understand it however where there might have a reservation about becoming involved with a guy who has very small children, especially where they have their own children who are older or have left home. I would feel the same way I guess. | |
|
Home
login 
