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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:55:20 PM | | Stating that you work in a "mental health and learning disability hospital" is absolutely no excuse for your repeated callous and insensitive remarks concerning the gentleman's handicap, in fact it says just the opposite. You should understand better than most what mentally and/or physically handicapped people must go through to receive the little that society is willing to offer them. I do believe he should have told you he was handicapped just as you should have mentioned that you are a closed-minded, unfeeling shrew. Between the two of you he was the one with the lesser disability. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:01:03 PM | I think some people focus too much on their disability and that causes their problem. It's better to let the positive things about you be the main focus, and the disabilities just are a side note.
I was talking back and forth with a wheel chair bound guy on POF for awhile about 2 years ago ....we got to discussing interests and after learning that I LOVE reading Stephen King books, he said he HATED Stephen King and then he never wrote to me again. Yeah, I probably would've gone out with him to see if there was anything there otherwise.
I have dated 2 guys with mental disabilities. The first one ended because of his abusiveness....which was possibly a result of his mental condition (Schizophrenia)..so that was the end of that.
The second one I met here....(bi-polar)....it wasn't a problem at all...he was a real sweetie, and gentleman....couldn't have asked for anyone to treat me better....but it was things other than the disability that broke us up.
I have a disability myself...I guess you'd call it , (it's in my profile), but it doesn't define me....and it hasn't affected the amount of interest I get. Well, maybe it does, but it doesn't matter.....I couldn't handle more email than I get right now. As a matter of fact, I have my profile hidden now, and if everyone quits writing and I get lonely (me? Lonely?  ) I'll unhide it again.
~DC~ | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:15:13 PM | Here is few stories about "being with" disabilities. I'm writing from my experience, and hope the reader will finish...
#1 I was volunteering for a disability group in the 70s and 80s when all the the WACs and RCWs(administrative code..for carrying out the revised codes--or laws--of my state) were being rewritten. I attended several of the sessions in our state capitol, carpooling with a person who had epilepsy and smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day--and who insisted on driving--I was far sicker from the air than the sudden reality I may have to grab the steering wheel in the event of a seizure. I'd worked out the gas/brake pedal thing, the seatbelt thing, the steering thing...
The legislature floor was given over to a person in a wheel chair whose ability to speak was compromised by severe CP. All the state legislators listened patiently as the speaker worked--with great difficulty--to form each word. The concepts were in the head, but the mouth and breathing didn't cooperate. It was a grueling 5 minutes to get one sentence out. I watched, as I was young and hadn't been to the state legislature before. I don't know where some minds went (wandered, endured, thought, spaced) as they sat through the testimonies. I could do 2 days of this, and the dizziness of cigarette fumes outweighed the issues of dealing with speakers.
I sat back and realized my legislators were listening to months of testimonies--in order to eradicate the terms idiot, moron, retarded, club foot, amputee, etc. from the laws--and to replace these words with...severely mentally disabled, physically disabled--I think even handicapped had to go away. I became very dejected. Today we have wheelchair access to many many public buildings, every street corner has wheelchair dips in the sidewalks. But I cannot bring my severely mentally handicapped sibling to any public event--we would be ostrasized for outbursts of emotion.
Case 2: Same position, providing resources for folks with disabilities: counseling, job referrals, emergency food/clothing/transportation help (in the form of grants). I was astounded when a disabled person came in for money because the disability check was gone mid month--and it was spent on drinking (don't ask me how or why, I only know there was no food/rent money, yet it became apparent where the dough went.
Case 3: I have dated mid-level managers at engineering companies, high school teachers, psychologists, attorneys--who have drinking problems, fetishes, who are alienated from their children, who "hang out" with under age children--who allow under age students to have booze parties at their house, who are "into" group sex parties, who would never consider paying for a DATE, even, but they drive BMWs, hide behind upper management, disappear from their jobs for a week or two with the next door neighbor's wife...
Case 4: I dated a person who at date 3 or 4 broached the topic of his bipolar disorder. I really liked dates 1-4. It was only 3 months into this when I understod the profundity of what I'll call behavior impediments. I won't blame the cases of empty fruit juice bottles on his kitchen counters or the broken plumbing or the stacked storage boxes with papers or plastic bags on the bipolar disorder...maybe they were, maybe they weren't. But I do object to the unreliability--to me specifically, which seemed wholly unbalanced to how he responded to friends or work or other social obligations--I became a sort of nanny/maid/crutch so all the other things could "be normal." There was no normal.. I understood...there was a HANDICAP. But I wasn't prepared for the arrogance and the fuming, for "segmenting" thoughtfulness. How'd that work with his other relationships in the world?
Someone else wrote:
anger management issues ...were much more of a disability
and I say AMEN. The attitudes in all of these cases were the disability. Oh that, and unhealthy choices. If you have diabetes and you eat chocolate donuts and hate vegetables, well, the diabetes is secondary to the poor diet. Add some offensive words to head off any comments (a defensive move), and viola. It would take a bit of creativity and thoughtfulness to make any of these handicaps "work" in a relationship--I'm not finding a lot of creativity out there. It takes 2. I'm already a caretaker of a disabled sibling--so I know how to "shift expectations"--but I don't know that I have the patience. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:17:20 PM |
Within that thread, it was determined that while it is not possible for the site to handle such a forum, and the needs based upon membership numbers would be to low to justify the forum
So, a "Poems and Quotes" forum is justified, but one for people with disabilities is not?  | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:22:19 PM | Loz Hunter, I agree with your posts...
100%.
and I also met someone who did not tell me she was disabled before I met her.
Sure ticked me off to waste my time like that. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:12:36 PM | Get off it.
Lying is wrong! No matter why you lie it is wrong. End of story. Your saying she is un feeling when the thread is about how to date with a disability and she let it be known what every one should know. DO NOT LIE ABOUT YOURSELF. It is a very important piece of advice. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:14:19 PM | First off, let's get this straight disability=body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. A crappy attitude, alcoholism, what have you may be disabling, but they are not disabilities.
[u]How to Date With A Disability[/u]
I'm sure there are who would just say: Don't. Sometimes you can't out to meet people in the real world as often as you'd like. With computer dating, everyone expects you to be completely candid about your disability(ies) right up front. Sometimes it just seems like more trouble than it's worth.
Once you get past that, you have to learn to distinguish between the people who might be genuinely interested, the disability fetishists, the people who simply see you as an easy mark, and the people who are simply making you the butt of their twisted little joke
That's really too bad. Dating shouldn't seem like something that's more trouble than it's worth.
Saying that people should focus less on their disabilities is all well & good, but it is not realistic.
Karrpilot: Yes, I'm sure you do find it funny. I count you among the ranks of jerkoffs who like to make people with disabilities into jokes. Just know that I am laughing at you, too. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:58:51 PM |
there is a need to help guide these individual minnows towards happiness.
MY God what arrogance!
I was just gonna let this one slide on by with all the other ignorant stupid things that are said about disabled people on this site, but holy cr&p who do you think you ARE?? And who are you talking to?? I am a sexy, self supporting, single, sixty year old disabled WOMAN. You do not need to guide me anywhere darlin'. Minnows to be guided?  how totally blind you are.
Kill 'em Tigress baby. That is inexcusable. You owe us an apology. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:07:03 PM | | It's best you ask questions and get the whole story before you explode and sling mud. I won't state the obvious here though, but the OP is not the problem here ladies. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:16:39 PM | And of course there are those who have the disability where they are 'control freaks' they demand you think the way they think and if you dont they go on and on and on and oh
MrVitamix: & others: Thank goodness someone else met a person who forgot to mention he/she has a disability. To me it is out and out lying and what else are they lying about?? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:39:59 PM | Wow til I read this thread I never considered my A.D.D. a disability... More of a blessing in disguise or an interesting life challenge... And its rarely affected my dating life....
I crack jokes on myself all the time. I'm pretty open about having it and sharing how I've dealt with it... Its not a big deal.
Same for bad vision.... I'm nearsighted and wear glasses... Big deal.
When you talk about dating someone with a disability, I think along the lines of someone with psychological problems (like being bipolar) or the physical sort (like the missing limb/paralysis or being blind/deaf). Even those most of the time aren't real impediments to dating, sure you have to make some adjustments but if you're really into that person, don't you think it would be worth it? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:56:18 PM |
When you talk about dating someone with a disability, I think along the lines of someone with psychological problems (like being bipolar) or the physical sort (like the missing limb/paralysis or being blind/deaf). Even those most of the time aren't real impediments to dating
Wanna trade? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:22:10 AM | V.Tig wrote:
....you have to learn to distinguish between the people who might be genuinely interested, the disability fetishists, the people who simply see you as an easy mark, and the people who are simply making you the butt of their twisted little joke
That's really too bad. Dating shouldn't seem like something that's more trouble than it's worth.
Oooh, this sounds so much like my dating experiences, too. So the "disability" thing is, indeed, secondary. My point about the alcoholics, cheaters, etc is that those were impediments that were not at all apparent and had to be discovered, with some degree of consternation (one doesn't EXPECT those impediments, either). What I didn't say is this: none of those folks "admitted" their intentions in the first date or email, so....on the other hand, it would be fair to seek dates who have similar interests (including like or dislike of Stephen King, should the OP decide to post such a thing in her profile). | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:22:39 AM | | LOZ,its comments like yours that makes some feel insecure about their misfortune. I dont see any humor in anything you have said. Given the profession your in makes it even more appalling. Karma though sometimes is the only thing which makes one look differently with attitudes like yours. No I'm not disabled but I understand their sensitivity as to why to refrain somewhat due to individuals comments and attitudes like yours. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 6:13:02 AM | I'd like to see this thread stay alive, but I see it has been sent to the mods for possible dissection or removal.
I think the OP has a good idea, (although *cough*cough* I'm not a little minnow that needs direction help!).
I'm not able to walk... hence I am "disabled". Profile tells about it.
Meeting people online for dates, with this disability, is tough... because they seem to think not walking means "can't move".
Far from the truth. LOL, I have to be the one to pace myself to the slower walking folk. Seriously.
Meeting men online for dates, with this disability, is tough... because they think "wheelchair... hmmmm, guess I'll get no sex there". That's laughable, (to me).
Meeting men online for dates, with this disability, is tough... because they think about how they like to "hike" "boating", (or any other sporty type thing), and I won't be able to do all that with them.
I'd support them fully.. "yes, go enjoy!".. and am willing to give it my best try to either join in, (boating for instance), or be at the bottom of the mountain in the camp site when they get back.. with a fire cooked meal waiting and a very interested ear in hearing all about it, AND I've been enjoying the bottom of the mountain/nature very much too.
Meeting men online for dates, with this disability, is tough... because they think they'd feel 'awkward' around me.
A GREAT deal of people DO feel awkward around someone in a wheelchair because they've not had one on one experience yet.. and I understand that.
All I can say to that is, everyone is a unique individual and quite possibly they will miss out on a really neat person by avoiding due to a "don't know if I will know how to act" attitude.
Personally, the only time I see (and I'm told this) anyone feel 'awkward' around me is simply because I can do so much and they feel OTHER people might be wondering "why is that person not helping her", as I lift my own chair into my van.
Otherwise, the answer to the awkward thing is... you can feel awkward around all sorts of people.. it's dependent on that other person sort of making you feel that way. And I am so 'at ease' with my abilities.. people with me are at ease too.
Meeting men online for dates, with this disability, is tough.. because it's too easy to think all those things and push on to the next profile.
HOW to date with a disability?
One just does it. Same way I do everything else, I am thinking!
With an eye out for the beauty around me, the laughter bubbling inside, the fun of getting to know someone, the fun of new adventures, etc.
HOW to date someone else with a disability? Simply ask questions. Be open and honest. If you get negative self-pity responses.. or a chip on the shoulder responses.. then maybe they aren't someone you would want to date, disabilities or not.
But warning.. many of "us" have developed a sense of humor about our "disability".. and you may find you can have a great deal of fun with that too! | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 8:52:42 AM | Tenino: Take a breath and calm down...you got in an uproar over a line that I believe was meant totally innocently.
there is a need to help guide these individual minnows towards happiness. I believe was meant to say these "minnows" as in plenty of FISH...get it, minnows, fish?
I believe the poster was simply standing up for having a thread aimed at disabilities. They were saying that the disabled might find a thread helpful.
They were being cute.
I am finding some people's responses a bit heartless, but to each their own, I guess.
I work with people with disabilities and I'll say this: some of the most wonderful people I've ever met have been people with disabilities. They are human beings with emotions, dreams, and a desire to love and be loved.
I have dealt with very few people outside of work who are intolerant of people with a disability, but every once in a while you run across someone who literally takes your breath away with their insensitivity.
I've heard people say that a person with a mental disability shouldn't be "allowed" to date. Why? The only thing that would concern me would be if there was a chance of physical danger for the other person involved. Who has the right, though, to tell another person that they can't date? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 9:03:27 AM | First I would like to apologize to those who have taken offense with my statement concerning guiding minnows towards happiness. By no means is this meant to state that I think any less in any manner towards any specific individual.
Rather, I often spend time posting answers that are meant, though often sarcastic, to guide the individual in the right direction with dating. In this instance, this thread came about, yes because of a specific individual, who demonstrated to many of us a need that doesn't seem to be addressed, yet is addressed. Yes, the double edged sword.
Moving on though. I recieved an e-mail from an individual who finds posting on here to be extremely difficult. I took a moment and checked her profile and posting history since she demonstrated a specific issue she faces in attempting to online date and I am hoping she will also share with me how she overcomes the issue. For her, she is blind. Now, I am pretty sure there are programs out there to help her deal with this issue, I am also sure that not all issues can be overcome. Here is her comment on this subject:
Attitutinal barriers are the greatest challenge disabled people face in not only dating, but in most social activities-at least that has been my experience. I am quite up-front about my disability and I do encounter some men who are comfortable with it and there are others who delete the message the discusses my disability. I wrote a paper on dating and disability-more specifically on disability and sexuality-and have taken many years of university that explored this topic and much of it still remains a mystery to me. It's sucha complicated topic that I'm not sure it can be solved-although it is good to see people actually talking about it. That said, some people's opinions are sadly misinformed.
Obviously this individual is quite intelligent, and I am looking forward to her sharing more of her experience and knowledge with us, so that all of us might become more open minded on this topic and that those who face these issues every day can deal with them. It would also be great if those who work with the disabled can please help the rest of us out by sharing stories of successes and failures on this subject.
***One last note: Would those attempting to defend this topic please stop feeding the trolls who are attempting to derail and flame it. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 9:53:53 AM | Well, I gave my answers on this topic... maybe not "intelligent" enough? 
One can study for years in a university about this subject..
but in reality it boils down to people not feeling "comfortable" around disabilities!
And in reality, the only way they can counteract that, (although most don't even care to), is to be around someone with a disability. Catch-22 there.
Now, those of us that are in a wheelchair, (using that as an example because that is my situation) just have to realize that the above is a reality.
It's just the way it is.
Then we have no choice, really, but to wheel out in the world and educate one person at a time..
by being around them with our positive attitudes and then they'll realize, "oh this isn't uncomfortable at all".
THEN they'll more easily say hi to someone else in a wheelchair and actually hang around to talk a bit.
See, long ago... I too didn't quite feel 'comfortable' around 'disabilities'.
Not really UNcomfortable.. just not too sure how to 'act'.. or what to say.
So, I understand where most people are coming from.
It's something out of their 'norm' and they feel a bit awkward.
Then I became a foster mom for special-needs children.
I fast learned how to not define them by their wheelchairs, (for example), but to see them for the person they were.
Shoot, no time to spend on "awkwardness", lol. No thoughts on that at all. And I didn't let the children spend time focusing on it either. They were PEOPLE.. and they were not their chair.
Then I began to notice how people around us were going through that 'awkward' thing whenever we went out. I saw it from the other side of the window. I thought, oh gheesh I was a bit like that before.
I ran into stuff like this...
"Tell him he is such a cutie"... and I'd reply, "It's okay, you can speak to him.. go ahead.. you tell him".
Little by little I tried to help others get over that awkward thing... hopefully, just maybe, educating them for their next encounter with someone, say, in a wheelchair.
They won't learn it from books... or from studies in a university.
They'll only learn it from breaking that catch-22 thing.
Life is very interesting, to say the least!
I ended up being in an accident and now I am in a wheelchair.
I actually think that's kinda funny, for me.
From day one, I was not freaked by this at all.
And when I am out.. my positive attitude is shinning for all to see.
I treat this chair as a perfectly normal thing that happens to be stuck to my butt. LOL
And bit by bit, I'm STILL showing others that they can overcome that 'awkwardness'.
It's the only way it can be done. One person at a time. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:37:55 PM | Maybe my disability is why so many girls are not interested in me and I don't even tell them of my disabilities.
I feel hopeless. I couldn't even last long with girlfriends. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:35:13 PM |
Maybe my disability is why so many girls are not interested in me and I don't even tell them of my disabilities.
I feel hopeless. I couldn't even last long with girlfriends.
This statement is an example of the dilemna that faces many people in Timothy25's situation today. While we would normally tell a person to leave their laundry list of problems out, just relax, have fun and be yourself, people seem to want to know up front if a person has a disability.
So, do we give Timothy25 the same advice we give others, or should he be upfront from the beginning with his disability. In this case, his is fairly obvious, much like an individual in a wheelchair. My personal view is because it is obvious, don't worry about being upfront with it, and handle it when the subject does come up. I'm sure there is far more to Timothy25 than his disability, and I have had a small opportunity to learn he is an incredibly persistent and strong-willed individual (That is a good thing Timothy25), which we normally find to be awesome qualities in an individual for dating. Though, persistence can be creepy to some ladies, it is a matter of how one goes about being persistent, to avoid being creepy.
So, what are others views on this? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:57:39 PM | I do a lot of work with the blind, severely disabled, , mentally challenged, and deaf. I am an art director/graphic designer--I do brochures, web sites, posters, annual reports, catalogs of the products they make, etc.
Did you know that blind and severely disabled people assemble the MREs ( meals ready to eat) that our troops in Iraq & Afghanistan consume? Amongst a lot of other services & products that serve our troops? Are the most valued employees in some of our largest businesses?
I know blind and multiple amputeee people who ski, swim, sky dive, bicycle race, compete in the special Olympics--not to mention here in Washington, DC the fabulous wounded war veterans at Fisher House, who get their state-of-the-art prostheses and then run marathons with them--OR ask to go back to Iraq and do. And work responsible jobs and pay taxes like everybody else, preferring not to live on the dole but be contributing members of society.
I'd venture to say--if any of us could achieve half what they do, we could be proud and not cast stones.
I also raise guide dog puppies for Guiding Eyes for the Blind. I have observed some WONDERFUL love stories in the the course of my work, between recipients and their dogs and recipients and each other. Many have wicked senses of humor--too long to go into here.
In any case, these are WONDERFUL people who have met life's challenges...and I would think it would be a privilege and an honor (for you!) for them to date the likes of you who cringe at what you perceive to be a disability.
I have read over and over on these forums people lamenting about their looks, height, etc...guess what--a blind person "sees" the real you--and doesn't care about your weight, height, etc etc. You could do a lot worse!
I would a hundred times rather date one of these wondeful people who have been thrown one of life's biggest challenges and triumphed than someone who is emotionally constipated and morally crippled.
But I can say unequivocally as far as dating goes: be upfront about whatever your so-called disability is, and go for the gold. Say the truth, and see what shows up in your life.
And guess what, ALL of us will some day have some sort of disability, and be very glad for closed captioning, handicapped accessible, etc. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 5:26:09 PM |
emotionally constipated and morally crippled.
HA! I love it!
And guess what, ALL of us will some day have some sort of disability, and be very glad for closed captioning, handicapped accessible, etc.
Not according to Hollywood. There are apparently very few non disabled twenty- and thirty-something who face that as an actual possibility, let alone a reality. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 5:49:14 PM | Tigress, forget Hollywood and live in the real world. You are a beautiful woman and some guy will be ever so fortunate to get you...that should be your mindset. Hollywood is always ten years behind real life. There are NOT very few in your situation--there are many. The community is large, caring, and encompassing. We cannot gauge our opinions on what goes on in a free forum (by definition, dating sites are shallow). If you want references happy to send them to you. Email me.
I am sure you will find someone wonderful for you--why shouldn't you?
Mind you there are lots of toads you might kiss before the Handsome Prince, but he is out there. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/27/2008 5:56:39 PM |
Tigress, forget Hollywood and live in the real world.
I tried. Unfortunately I live in Southern California. | |
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