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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:18:14 AM | YEAH Vvendy!
I was just thinking of the disabled person who cannot say I love you (or hear it), who is on constant guard against getting close, who doesn't want to know your friends, who uses of sarcastic humor--ESPECIALLY when they feel threatened or vulnerable--like when you two have a misunderstanding, who uses sharp wit--or avoidance--to derail any discussion that might be deemed "intimate."
It may seem FAMILIAR--like mom and dad never coming to your high school concert, graduation, ball game--but is it how you want to spend your life?
You think playing fair, kindness, openness is an easy concept to grasp, so you "role model." Often futile. It is wonderful that Zermatt and others dedicate--or carve time out of their lives and hearts for others--we all should. And we should be able to choose what and where we give out time and energies and interests. In the end, isn't that how a relationship should work? Letting someone INTO your heart means he or she has to be willing to take a step in that direction.
Pity (and avoid) the person who kidnaps you--either by car into the mountains--or by manipulation into their frightening mental world to which you have no map or compass. It's a big difference from agreeing to travel to the unknown willingly and together.
VT: We ALL have places in our hearts where we slam the door to keep others out. Hey. It hurts to have a door slammed in your face. And it isn't easy sometimes to open that door--and share. It is crummy when we are treated like a circus oddity, and it isn't just a wheel chair or a big nose, or a learning disability that attracts the gawkers. Don't feed the wrong wolf. By that I mean...resentments, fear happen. Don't let them dry up the lovingness in your heart--it's the only thing worth keeping alive. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:27:32 AM | | No matter what a guy is presenting I know they have a flaw and I hope they know I do too. That's why I do not post my pic until I'm emailing them. Guys see my pic and think WOW they do not even read my profile. This way I'm not let down the guy has to read about me first. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:33:07 PM |
Have you ever dated another with a disability, and if you have, or have not but been confronted with the opportunity to date another with a disability, what things can these people do to give theirselves the best opportunity possible, and to protect themselves from those who might seek to take advantage of them. Also, if you have a disability, how do you deal with it in the dating world?
I'm going to post here, hope that I can give some insights, and maybe receive a comment or two back from intelligent, decent people. Trolls can go stick their heads up their gas-valves.
I've dated "differently-abled" people and athletes and "professionals" and everything in-between. Those relationships that worked out best were with good, caring people who were also good listeners and could see outside of themselves. The worst were disabled people who rejected me for being "too athletic" and athletic people who couldn't understand the concept of having to pace myself, and having distinct limitations in some areas. The very worst were just poor listeners -- such as the drop-dead gorgeous athletic coach boyfriend who was giving me a massage and would not take NO for an answer when he wanted to "dig out and release that spasmed muscle" which I kept telling him was very old scar tissue! GRRRR.
To this day, I hide my disabilities pretty well, and sometimes people refuse to believe that I have any. I have better posture, more strength and more resiliency than many average persons with no disability, because I exercise and stretch to make myself more comfortable. And then I have my bad days.
I can sit down and hang out with anybody, but I find it really depressing to hang out with people who don't have interests or ideas beyond themselves -- whether able-bodied or not. I'm not saying I don't have days when I whimper or get overwhelmed -- no human being is free of anxiety. A lot of "average" people are pretty miserable. I'm just saying that I've learned to push past those times -- just enough -- so life is good.
My mostly non-visible disabilities since childhood include injuries which damaged nerves, muscles and cartilage that have never healed properly. I pushed myself to be the best me that I could be, got an impressive education, worked, and became quite athletic -- providing I paced myself. Also gritted my teeth a lot -- was sometimes painful. All my life.
I'm now 48 and wear-and-tear have added hellish fibromyalgia on top of everything else. I'm homesteading - farming on a very small scale - - and taking delight in simple and unsophisticated things that give me joy -- it helps me get up in the morning. Heck, I am 48 going on age 3 sometimes! Was hoping to find someone to share this with who could also talk intelligently about other things.
I thought I found the perfect match for me - a grumpy old curmudgeon -- smart, witty, aware of what it takes to fall down, get up and go on with life. He had child-hood injuries too, and as a career Marine he kept getting patched up and sent back to active duty for years. Finally he got so badly injured that he was forced to retire. We seemed to have some basis for understanding each other and genuinely admired each other as people and he was a real gentleman.
I normally tell people about my disabilities after we start talking on the phone (sometimes earlier in emails) and before we meet. I explained to my favorite curmudgeon about what to expect from me on bad days. He seemed to be digesting it. Finding out about him was like pulling teeth -- although he kept making vague warnings. We met and liked each other. I had some reservations about some of his likes and dislikes, but we seemed to really hit it off.
Just before our second date, I had an allergic reaction to a prescribed medication that made me sick as a dog and puff up like a blimp. I told him on the phone about it, and we met anyway. We took a very short early morning walk on a beach, because I was in pain and tired -- took my dog along who had never met him before or seen me so sick, and she seemed to think he was hurting me! He seemed a bit disturbed himself. We had breakfast afterwards. It was actually not a bad date, but not what you would want a second date to be. LOL!
Well, the allergic reaction proceeded and I gained 40 lbs in 30 days (edema) and felt and looked awful, and I do think it frightened the curmudgeon. He let me know he had no romantic interest in me, but we became friends and would still go on walks and hang out in cafes. Was like being a kid again -- just walking and talking and playing with my animals (the dog got used to him). Only thing is that he has issues about weight-gain, about use of prescription medicines, and a deep-seated feeling that people are warped and if anything goes wrong in their lives, it must be their fault (I think he may think this about himself, too) . Let's just say that it didn't work out.
I have mixed feelings about the ending of this friendship, as he was a lot of fun on a basic level -- as a second-childhood-type friendship. Made me smile to see a curmudgeonly old retired Marine making Tai-chi moves on my rather aggressive tom-turkey who chases people . . . ; two of them sparring in my yard, and me watching and grinning from ear to ear. I miss that.
I know a few old married couples who have been together over 40 years, and survived serious illnesses and calamities together -- and are still best friends (and apparently, lovers) and I keep thinking that there is more to human relationships than polished images and perfection.
BTW, I have thought about submitting my profile to the other forum for help in editing it. I hate exposing myself to the mean-spirited and the trolls. Wouldn't mind if someone wanted to write with advice here (Trolls, get lost). The pictures of me with the ox and stained glass window are pre-edema, the ones with me in the pink plaid flannel shirt are post 40 lb gain of water-weight. On the day taken, in May, my skin hurt! Since then have lost some of that weight -- it's just water. I really hate it when people complain that people don't look like their pictures -- we all try to put our best foot forward and not our worst. I just gritted my teeth and decided to put up something really recent for honesty's sake -- despite several people suggesting that I NOT do it because the effect is/was temporary. Some guy is going to fall in love with my chubby cheeks and be totally disappointed when we meet in person and I look NOTHING like my pictures! LOL!
I don't think that putting "disabled people" in a ghetto is going to help them get on with their dating lives or find sexual partners or dog-walking friends or whatever. People need to be able to find people. And as previous posters have said, a lot of "average" persons have major flaws which make them unsuitable dates. Approach any date with a bit of skepticism and a careful ear. And maybe a little hope. :)
OK, that's MY two cents. Next!
Garden Artist | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 3:53:57 PM | Having just joined this site as a disabled 67 year old male I have read each of the correspondents efforts with interest.
I do think it takes a special person, to consider life with someone who can't walk, but I must stress that inability to walk does not make us useless.
To date, I have not received a response from anyone I have contacted, and I do find myself wondering if this might be due to my disability or something else in my profile that causes the lack of response. Of course it could be I am not giving the ladies sufficient time to respond.
Any advice would be appreciated.
John_837 in the United Kingdom | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 3:56:51 PM | | ^^^John 837 Locate the profile review forum and post a thread requesting a profile review. I will be glad, along with many others to help out with the profile part of this. I promise it's a great group of people that volunteer their time and insights to help out everyone who comes in there. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:02:53 PM | Hi John,
Your profile says that you're separated. That is a deterrent far larger than any other. You can do a search and find "separated" folk who are on dozens of friends lists, but I rather doubt they're looking for anything serious, permanent, long term--the nature of serious and permanent suggest availablility is a prerequisite.
Perhaps a good explanation (you'll reach those who read the bio before the marital status). | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:20:01 PM | Thank you for your response.
We are totally seperated and living in two different homes. My wife said she would prefer us to divorce on the grounds of 2 years seperation which she tells me is the no blame divorce.
She claims to want to avoid muck slinging but I would not sling mud it just isn't in my nature
John | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:43:10 PM | What is a disability?
I think that differs from person to person. Some think being fat is one, or short, or tall or unededucated or poor or spoiled.
I don't think any of those a disability any more than I think a person with no sight, hearing, legs or arms, inability to have children, an erection, a sense of humor, a heart is a disability.
The disability is defined by the person who has to deal with what society feels is unacceptable.
What they do with that is their choice, personally I would not want to date a person who can't accept me as I am.
I am not 'normal' and glad of that as I have met and been accepted by so many that like me for me and I don't view myself as 'disabled'.
I have not really met or known or heard of any 'normal' people actually.
If your preference is to not date people who are not someone you are attracted to, then state that in your profile or early on in chatting.
It is not for the ppl you deem unacceptable to say so, they are just people, like you and I and if you are not into meeting someone with any imperfections then you should state that up front.
Why is this a topic all the time?
I have dated men who physically did not match what I am used to, but because of their personality, I could care less.
I don't know how to put this other than, we are all people, we have our preferences. Let it be known early on.
It is a two way street, if you are the type to want only so called perfect ppl then state that up front.
Why is it up to those many with imperfections to say that? Sounds kinda stupid to me.
Maybe, people don't feel the need to tell somone from the internet their personal business.
The only thing I see about people that demand that be up front is they are really annoying and act like this is high school.
If you don't want a person with any impections, state that in your profile.
That helps most with imperfections weed out those who we would not want to be bothered with. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:57:26 AM |
No matter what a guy is presenting I know they have a flaw and I hope they know I do too. That's why I do not post my pic until I'm emailing them. Guys see my pic and think WOW they do not even read my profile. This way I'm not let down the guy has to read about me first.
My sentiments exactly. I'm extremely near-sighted (one of my physical disabilities), but I absolutely insist that the people who contact me are willing (many can, but won't) to read and "hear" me.
So any of that no picture, no message is a blessing in disguise. Translation: no waste of my time while you oogle me during a decidely Kodak moment.
And I just have to say that I absolutely loved what violet-tigress wrote about text speak on her profile. I hate that too. So spell it out and if I ask, define your terms.
 any insults contained herein are completely unintentional by the author | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:44:19 PM | There's something about starting a site for people with disabilities that really upsets me. Everyone has a disability whether they want to believe it or not. What is a disability anyways? It's something that limits our abilities to function. So yes, it very well could be a physical function. Or something that challenges people mentally. Ignorance is a disability too, along with being racist, or biased. With each of these, people are unable to see both sides. Unable to see the good. Unable to be accepting. To start a place where people with disabilities could get together would be ridiculous. However, I could understand a place for people to talk about their disabilities and find info on others.
I disagree with people feeling as if they have to list their handicaps in their profiles too. My disability does not define me. I am me and only me. Take me or leave me. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:26:37 PM | How to date with a disability? easy : the same way you do without!!! i have quite severe disability i am unable to walk and my left arm can be awefully painful but this does not make me unable to love or be in a loving relationship. why should there be any difference in dating with a disability or without its not about that in particular. Yes i believe that if you intend on meeting someone that you should be honest and straight forward but then some disabilities are not physical and if you deal with them just fine you often forget that others may not. To be honest i think that anyone who cant see past a persons disability is shallow and possibly insecure.
As for giving ourselves the best opportunity, what do you do? i dress up, i turn up and i turn on my best behavior just like anybody else,i dont need to do anything else im as human as the next person. Get over yourself you are not special because you havent got a disability just as im not because i have. remember DISabled not UNabled. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:42:00 PM | | I think that on the profile you put your best foot forward, in chat you see if you like the person and hint at the short comings. in email you let him/her know what it is they will be dealing with. I would never care if a guy is “d”eaf, wheel chair riding or blind but if he is somting that I can say," I have had very bad luck dating a person with that" I would say no thank you to a meet. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/30/2008 11:28:01 PM | i would like to separate the physical disablities into two broad categories: mobility and functional. in addition i would like to add the concept of "hidden disability". i have lymes disease and am on private disability because i cannot reliably function in the position i held prior,which was quite "up there". my disability is unpredictable and hidden. it often gets misdiagnosed as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, etc.
i can go out, talk, do things and then suddenly WHAM, i get very tired. often there is pain, but chronic pain wears me down and i stop feeling it, often by just getting fatigued. sometimes i want to say something and i cannot find the words. i can sometimes just not walk very far and if really zonkered, i start dropping things or banging into things.
usually i pace myself and don't let it get that far. oddly, i am a good dancer, so when i find myself having difficulty walking, if i am not too tired, i can switch my brain and inside my head i pretend i am dancing or walking to music. then i can straighten out. i have lots of tricks like this to get by, so people simply do not notice, unless they know me and my limits in the course of daily activities. i cannot climb mountains well or walk long distances. i certainly cannot do any dare devil sports.
i'm pretty bright and can keep a lot of people going strong in tow. i just cannot do all of what i am trying to execute by myself and have to hire assistance or have friends pitch in with any parties i host, etc. despite it all, after i had to stop working, at age 50, i fost/adopted three teens and just hired help as needed to get us all through.
when i met the man i am dating now, we were interested in similar stuff, appeared to have an "opposites attract" thing going on, lived near each other and decided we can be friends if nothing else. i told him about my lymes, because when he came to my house, i wasn't feeling all that energetic. i normally meet people outside my home, but i had his name and address and my friend checked it out for safety. so, we just got together and talked. i remember that day well, because i also was having eye problems and could not go out in the glare which is rare for me.
we agreed to get together again. he came on his motorcycle and his other antique truck could not travel the highway over the hill to where i lived then, so we met and took my car dancing. so, he saw me first at one of my worser moments and the second time at one of my better moments. over time, he learned more. it was not always easy, because unless you have it, you don't understand that some people's "suggestions" are just not doable. also for some, an "extra block of walking" is no biggie. for me, if am tired, it can mean the next few days barely able to move. so, i really know my body and when i feel it "coming on" , i put my foot down and say NO.
despite it all, i've bought my new home, am having it renovated and continue to advocate for my three kids. i challenge any "abled" person to do the same. so, i guess it all boils down to being willing to make lots of friends and allow whatever chemistry there is to express itself. too many people are making such a big deal about it all, they forget their humanity and the good old fashioned sense of "community" that can be extended into online introductions.
by the way, the first time i met my current manfriend, there was no chemistry. during our second date, he really was annoying me. but then , we both got up and danced. that shut him up and i began to feel the "pheremones". as i said opposites attract, but sometimes you have to shake up the oil and vinegar to get it to mix right! we've been together for about 2 1/2 years with lots of ups and downs, but believe me they are not much about my disablity. it is what it is and i am who i am. always have been, even before when i was the energizer bunny myself. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/30/2008 11:38:25 PM | | So do I and have a disabled daughter as well. Given your professional, you come off even more as insensitive. Have you not heard about ability, not disability? Not to mention looking at the whole person. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 6/30/2008 11:45:16 PM | To Loz Hunter
"Yep I have dated someone off this site with a disability. Two things came to mind on the date.
1. Why didn't he be straight with me about it in the first place, did he think I wouldn't notice?
2. Why did he agree to go for a walk??
maybe he forgot. "
A number of things come to mind when I read your posting. I am a father of a disabled person. My son has Asperger's Syndrome... a form of Austism. He looks completely normal until you speak with him.
You will never understand the world my son walks in. How over time, people have made him a prisoner in the world he so desperately tries to be a part of. How a young bright eyed optimistic, energetic, happy person over 22 years has now come to not looking people in the eye. Afraid to open his mouth in public. Why try of only to be rejected and laughed at? Married to loneliness and isolation for his entire lifetime. And he has so much to offer someone. So so much.
Disabled people have all the same feelings that you do... probably more. Like compassion, fairness, honesty, and a parade of others that your callouse response seems to be missing.
He is on here as well. Looking and hoping to find one person, one grain of humanity, that will see the person behind the disability... Obviously it will not be you and thank all the gods for that small mercy... And pity the person who ends up with you. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:23:23 AM |
Everyone has a disability whether they want to believe it or not. What is a disability anyways?
WTF?! That is bullsh!t. Why do people keep insisting on it? Everyone has things they can't do, but that doesn't make them disabled. If that is what you need to tell yourself to get through the day, go ahead. You don't need to be spouting it in a public forum.Being short is not a disability neither is being fat. Willful ignorance makes you stubborn and close minded... possibly a f.ucking moron, but it is not a disability.
have spelled it out for you already. Let me make it perfectly clear.
DISABILITY: BODY DOES NOT WORK LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 1:55:11 AM | | A disability doesn't make you any less human than someone without one. I do think that you should be honest about it. A person should be given the choice as to whether they want to date someone that is disabled or not. My Mom was in a wheelchair so believe me I am not giving against people that have them. Some are afraid of people with disabilites for whatever reason and that is their problem. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:34:45 AM | I completely disagree with you. If your too short, you're unable to do certain things. Same if you're overweight. I understand it's not the conventional way of thinking about a disability, but if more people realized their own limitations the world would be a bit more tolerant.
I'm not an idiot. I just have my opinions. And this is exactly what people use forums for- discussing/learning/debating. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:00:01 AM | | You're certainly entitled to your opinion. I wish people would realize their own limitations, too. Saying that being short, or fat is a disability just sounds arrogant and dismissive. It's like you're trying to pretend that all disabilities are exactly the same. For example, someone who's just kind of short understands exactly what it's like to be mobility impaired. Hey, they're both disabilities, right? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:20:15 AM | ^^No, being short is not a disability from my view. I'm 5'8" which is at the bottom of average, some might call kinda short. I can get a ladder to reach things high up, but a person in a wheelchair can not use a ladder to get higher, and one in a walker may or may not be able to use a ladder.
So, to put basic things like height as a disability into the mix is not fair to those who face the true disabilities. Even someone who is considered, for lack of a better word a midget, can still use the ladder. What we need to do is pay attention to what we are trying to deem a true disability, and what we are using as an excuse. Truly disabled individuals I have met rarely make excuses for not being able to do things. Rather, what I see is these individuals often going beyond the norm and trying to do things that many of us who are not disabled are fearful to even attempt.
I've seen people without legs climb mountains where most will not even consider it, calling it dangerous or pointless. What I am trying to say here is that those with disabilities are normal people with normal goals and dreams. Why are so many afraid of them? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 2:14:01 PM | What I am having is trouble with answering questions. It took me 6 years to pass the written test for a driver's permit.
This could be something in common with a girl and I. I am part of a support group and there are other guys there having trouble with finding girlfriends. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:05:36 PM | | In the grand scheme of things, nobody is perfect. There is no "normal". Whether a true disability, or just limitations, everyone has their issues. Some are greater than others. So in the end, it really doesn't matter what constitutes a disability. If you (and i mean that in a general you) are proud and accepting of yourself, then others will fall in love with that. They will beyond what ever problems might be in your life and just see YOU. That's all that matters. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:16:55 PM | | I have dated a girl with spinal bifia, she was nice until she accused me of something I didn't do. She wasn't quite normal upstairs. For disabilities I think off the net, is the best way bc they see you in person for who you are and on the net it's totally different story and when you meet them things can go wrong to lower your self esteem. I heard stories from the spinal bifia chick she was considered gross bc of body part issues she had no control over which wasn't right nobody should be so cold. Well majority of the time ppl are cold bc of their upbringing but still you can change yourself. I hurt myself pretty bad ages ago that took a toll of effects on me so I know some shallowness of my own so I can relate some. Just be confident and happy at who you are. Bc really their is nothing wrong and ppl should see you for you. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:44:53 PM | In the grand scheme of things, nobody is perfect. There is no "normal". Whether a true disability, or just limitations, everyone has their issues.In the grand scheme of things, nobody is perfect. There is no "normal". Whether a true disability, or just limitations, everyone has their issues.
Learning to choose your words more carefully also makes you sound smarter & less arrogant. See how much less offensive this is, than your earlier statement was?
So in the end, it really doesn't matter what constitutes a disability.
Yes. It does. | |
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