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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:47:19 PM | Magic man? he needed to tell her he could not go for a walk with her but, as he is in a wheelchair, he would be willing to ride by her as she walked. It was not nice to do to her.
I dated a blind guy who pretended to see and it annoyed me. I have a lot of friends who cover thier disabilities and it makes others feel really foolish. It is not nice to trick a person into believing you are something you are not. It is like me saying I'm thin. I'm not even close to thin and never want to be. To tell a guy I will go to the cave of the winds with him when I'd never make it through a tour would be mean or stupid. The guy would have every right not to like me after that.
AS is not something you can tell from a picture post but things that are should be seen before the first face to face. Things like SID or AS should be uncovered in email before the first date. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:42:39 PM | Education/awareness goes a long way in dealing with disability itself, dating with a disability, and in meeting/working with people with disabilities.
There is always something of a learning curve with any interaction with someone new. Having a "heads-up" about what to expect, what is expected of you, and possibly an idea of what can go wrong with the interaction helps tremendously, in my experience.
There are other resources like this one, but I am suggesting this website because it isn't too long and doesn't require a degree in rehabilitation to understand.
h t t p : //www . openroad.net.au /access/dakit/welcome. htm
^^^remove the spaces
I have benefited considerably just from having people I know understand my mild disability better, so that I don't have to wrap my leg around my neck so-to-speak to adapt to the world. For the things I can't do, I am not blamed, or coerced constantly because they think its something you just "get over" or are just "not trying hard enough," or are "faking it." It is very emotionally draining to have to be told the same things over and over, like you are deaf, or haven't heard the same thing a million times. If the first 1,000 repetitions didn't "fix" me then the next 1,000 won't either!
For the things I can do, I am given some understanding, support, encouragement and assistance. I have come a long way over the years... and I have a lot to offer (bring to the table.) I just am only one person, so I can't do everything perfectly.
I have excelled in many areas and won various awards and gotten trophies, scholarships and other recognition in my life. I think that everyone with a disability also have some great ABILITIES too.
Nobody who is "normal" focuses all of their energy and all of their attention on their worst characteristic. If you are a brilliant musician, but bad in math, you don't spend your adult life, after learning the basics in math, trying to become really good at math. Your energy is better spent in honing your craft in the area you have talent in.
You can always hire help, have a personal assistant, coach, trainer, "shadow" or family help to do the areas you simply will never excell in.
My two sons are good examples of this. I don't expect the one who uses a wheelchair to walk everywhere, just because he can walk with braces on. I don't expect the one who is Autistic to have the judgement to babysit younger children. Often, you can see us walking back from the grocery, going up a hill near our house, the Autistic one helping push the wheelchair up the hill, while the extraordinarily social one in the chair is chatting with everyone who he knows in the neighborhood, and introducing them to his brother. And I am an excellent researcher, who helps them both and also helps other parents and people with disabilities as a trained advocate. Yet, I have gotten more friends through them, than ever before when I was on my own.
The resource I have listed is from a friend who is a lawyer who helped me through my divorce. We have been friends for 16 years. She is more of a libraian by temperment, and calling though. I babysit for her son who has a very serious disability also, and she needs some respite. So we all help each other. I don't expect her to know everything I do, and she doesn't expect me to know everything she does. It is so great when she offers a resource that she has found--every time she chooses to tell me about something it is an excellent source that has helped me. She knows how to look for just the right thing..... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:02:04 PM |
or the things I can't do, I am not blamed, or coerced constantly because they think its something you just "get over" or are just "not trying hard enough," or are "faking it."
Some people do that anyway. Not many people seem to understand either, that even if you could, maybe you shouldn't]. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:43:51 PM | I just dated a man who was a paraplegic, but could walk with braces. He didn't tell me until after we had emailed, talked on the phone, and even after we had planned to meet. But, I did understand that. Would most people have even emailed or talked to him if he had told them right up front that he was paraplegic? I don't even know that I would have. However, after I got to know him, his personality, etc., it really didn't matter to me. To me, it's just like not dating someone because they are too short or too tall or too fat or too thin... WHO they are is what matters most.
I did have a few doubts early on as to whether I would be able to deal with it long term, but then I realized that I would have questions about anyone and their idiosyncrasies during the dating process... that's just normal.
What is the proper way to let someone know? I don't know, I guess it's just a case by case situation. What one person views as an issue or problem is different from another person. I just think we all need to remember that people are people and we all have feelings and BOTH sides (the disabled and the non-disabled) need to take that into consideration when getting to know one another. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:06:18 PM | First of all, I am surprised that the idea of a "disabilities forum" was vetoed! These days, it is more unusual to find someone with absolutely no disability, than not! Seriously! (Partly due to things such as ADD, ADHD, alcoholism, etc...being considered a disability now)
While I never use the term...I am disabled. Yep! I have a hereditary, sensorneural (nerve damage) hearing loss, which progresses to deafness. In 200o, I was to the point where hearing aids were no longer helping...I was deaf.
I had a Cochlear Implant...which consists of a surgically implanted portion, and an exterior portion. When I remove my processor (the exterior portion) I am still...you guessed it! Deaf!
However...while the CI is a huge part of my life...I guess I take it for granted now? I do not immediately identify myself as "deaf" or even "hearing impaired" but I also take no measures to hide it. The batteries die...I don't rush off in private to change them. Most are actually pleasantly surprised to discover such...and it is actually a great conversation starter! ;)
I get asked weird questions sometimes, but most are genuine questions of interest and curiousity. Most people end up "apologizing" for asking me questions, and I quickly tell them, "No, no, no..I have no problems with such!" I wish more disabled persons were more open to discussing their disabilities...to make the general public more at ease at asking and accepting such. :) (Of course those of you who posted here, probably are fine with such! But I worked as a Program Manager and there were many who were mortified to discuss such!)
Because of my work history in doing job coaching, career evaluations, placements, etc with disabled persons...I was also exposed to an array of people who...quite honestly, are more inspiring and more ambitious than your average joe! I would probably, in a social situation, be more apt to navigate towards someone with a physical impairment, than others! lol
So...in short...dating with a disability has NO IMPACT on me, personally. :)
Sorry the post got so long! ;O) | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:18:54 PM | I don't like the idea of having a separate site for people with disabilities, although I'm sure more than one already exists. Things like this only segregate us further from the rest of the population, which (I hope) we should want to accept us for who we are, regardless of physical impairments.
I'll go out on a limb here and say that it's extremely difficult for someone to understand a disability that he or she doesn't have, on the same level as someone who has lived with that disability. This is a very superficial way of looking at things, however. Put simply: the object is not that they understand the disability itself -- although that comes with time, of course -- but the individual with the disability. The only way people can learn is if we tell them about ourselves and our experiences. If someone is hung up on the fact that they have this disability to the point where they feel that no one else on this earth can sympathize, I would argue that s/he shouldn't be dating in the first place.
I, for one, make my disability very clear. If someone doesn't like that, it's one fewer message I have to read. (PoF is great, by the way. I've met quite a few awesome people, and I haven't been here for very long.)
Harry | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/4/2008 5:00:48 AM | I have read many of the posts here - sigh - what is it with people. Yeesh.
Regarding what is a disability....
I view that with a bit more of an open mind than some. I view a disability as something that inhibits one's ability/ies. Whether that is a physical ability or one that is less so, I believe, matters little.
We have all seen people that have adapted remarkably to their disability. I know one woman who is more agile in her wheelchair than most people are on their feet.
With regard to 'dating' and disabilities.... The question is how well the person without the disability 'adapts' to the other person's disability.
We all know people who are inflexible, conservative or unable to adapt. This is where the problem lies. We all have likes, dislikes and preferences. Some people are so inflexible so as to preclude dating someone with a disability. Is it so very different when someone precludes dating someone with a disability rather than because they smoke, are not of a certain religion, a particular minimum height, a hair color, presence of hair, length of hair, etc ????
Clearly - we all know the difference between someone who has no use of their legs and someone having 'long hair', say. However, they are things that someone can look at and determine that it doesn't attract them initially.
Yes, while it is likely not the person with disability's CHOICE to have the disability. This is why this issue is such a hot button. Because it seems rude or terrible to preclude someone based on something that they had no choice in.
Don't get me wrong here. I have my own 'disability' if you will. I have had cancer - surgery and treatments. I have recovered to a degree, however the surgery and treatments have 'left their mark' and I have had to adapt.
I can understand that someone might well hear this and say 'not for me'. Heck, I have gotten used to this not having had hair for the last eight plus years. My winter beard. My looks.
All these things have precluded someone from wanting to get to know me. I am okay with that - really - mostly anyway.
Furthermore, I don't know what the future holds with regard to my cancer and the possibility of it returning. Again - I can see where this might not be for some. I meet one widowed mother of three kids who's husband died of cancer and she was unwilling to take a chance and put her kids through that again.
What I am getting at here is that many people have things that are viewed as 'disabilities' per se by others and, to some, this will preclude an opportunity for dating them.
I think though that some people could stand to temper their language a bit to at least show a tad bit of respect for the people with disabilities - not being so insensitive and hurtful. Heck, you should treat everyone like that IMO.
I think if people were a bit nicer to others in these forums - there would be much less of people flaming one another.
Enough with the flaming one another and stay on topic people - How to Date with a Disability.....
Be helpful, not hurtful.
Best to all.... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:52:44 AM | Violet Tigress, I appreciate that you have struggled through this life in our society with the disability that you have, I am empathetic that your body = "Does not work the way it is supposed to" , sympathetic as well. I read your profile and your posts. I suffer from a disability as well. Constant pain on some degree, from severe, to very manageable. There are many things I want to do but cannot. I am sure that girls out there I have met may have decided not to date me based on this fact and I have never lied about it.
I try my best not to be judgemental, I want nothing but to be at peace and happy and very much in love in a mutually beneficial relationship. I personally have never turned away from a potential date because of her disability. I would never make fun or treat you or anyone else with inpunity or disrespect because of it either. I think that you come off as very abrassive, harsh on people, and sometimes downright intollerant and mean spirited...even bitter. While I can say that at times I have felt similar emotions at the world at large, I Have learned to do my best not to judge, look down my nose at anyone, or outright flame someone because of their perception (or limit of) or their opinions. My advice: Listen to more Bob Marley, and smoke more good weed with good people. My profession takes me all over California, and I hang out with and help people with severe illnesses everyday, almost. There are only a few I come across that are extremely callous and disingenuine. I know of one in particular, she suffers from brain tumors, and is a friend of mine, she has made national headlines in the scope of safe access to cannabis as medicine, and she is, inside a wonderful person, I have a lot of love for her, but I dont spend a lot of time with her because I have tried and failed to try to get her to feel and show love more instead of anger, rage, and resentment for her friends who have in fact helped her out tremendously. She tells me she has become very bitter, and her heart has calloused over.
This has happened to a lot of people, even me at one point, but I broke out of it with love, and people who cared about me. First and foremost, when looking for love, I look for COMPASSION, love, EMPATHY, self esteem, loyalty and honesty, and a down to earth good natured woman to get to know. I was married to a woman for 11 years that had a severe physical and mental disorder/disability and spent at least 150 nights in the ER right next to her holding her hand and allowing my heart to love her intently and honestly. Unfortunately, her mental disorder got the best of her, whether she allowed it to or just simply did not get the help in time I do not know now, but in the end, she walked away from me, completely consumed..... I think you will find the man of your dreams if you try your best to adopt the principles I described above....Love is tangable, more than you think......and I think you will find that being a bit less overtly judgemental of everyone for any reason will go a long way. Like the text thing that annoys you....Why exactly does it annoy you? Is it a real annoyance? I mean what if the most incredible guy out there TXT'ed you, because he thought it was a great way to break the ice, thinking that he was doing the right thing by contacting you that way, and you got mad at him and blew him off, or said something really brash at him for doing such a "terrible" thing and you just turned away someone that you could have truly connected with????
We are NOT all the same as I am sure you know, but if you STOP for just a minute, BEFORE judging someone unfit, or stupid, as you put it, and just try to see things from their point of view, even if it is NOT your own point of view ( like make believe that you believed the opposite of what you do, then look at what they said or did from that perspective if you can) and take another look at it, you may see things differently. Or you may not... We all choose in the end....its your choice how your future goes and who it is with.....
Peace to your heart... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:11:00 PM | There Are dating web sites specifically geared to those of us with disabilities; I have perused them, but most there didn't have much in common with me.
I Do state on my profile here that I have a disability as it helps weed out the shallow ones, and I am not ashamed of my disability. Also, I would like to thank Zermatt for the most intelligent response to this topic. : | |
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Dryras
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Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 85 | |
| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:12:43 AM | | I've dated a man in a wheelchair, very handsome and charismatic and also very jealous for no reason. I guess not for no reason, but I kept telling him being in a chair was no reason for the insecurity. I hope he can get over his insecurities cause he can be very caring.... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:03:55 PM | Maybe we should all just relax man & "smoke more good weed, with good people," like RogueDude420 suggested. Then everything woluld be like, totally cool, man...and we wouldn't worry abut it,... jus sit back & light up another smoke.
I've looked at one or two of the disabled dating sites, but they don't get much traffic & there is nobody in my age range nearby enough to make it worth my while. If you do connect with someone, though, you don't have to worry as often about people expecting you to be a certain way because you're disabled. Disaboom looks interesting, but it's not really a dating site. I haven't really checked it out thoroughly, yet. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:52:25 PM | Msg 43:
Scorchers, There are 2 software programs that we use at the college for visually impaired individuals that has been recommended by the local School for the Blind. One is called Jaws & the other is called Zoomtext. We keep seperate computer stations available for people with disabilities that have both of those programs on them in accordance with the ADA laws. I regularly assist some of these individuals with logging into the network which doesn't present in a size or vocalization for the visually impaired. Once we get them logged in, they can set their personal profiles to remember what size to set the reader to.
When I was a teen, I met a guy who was born deaf. He was a great guy! I took him to a couple of church dances & had him come over to hang with the rest of us in my neighborhood. I was learning to sign a little bit & he could speak & read lips so we were able to communicate just fine. I asked him how he could dance & keep rythm better than the guys who could hear just fine. He said he could feel the bass through the floor. I consider 99% of the world to have disabilities of one sort or another, so that kind of thing isn't a big deal to me. His mother called me to thank me for being so nice to her son. I was sort of taken by surprise. He was just another kid to me. His mother said that was exactly the point. Sadly, they had to move out of state not long after that. I have often thought of that guy & wish him well in life.
I have been on the other end of the stick myself. I have had a few severe injuries that left me in bad shape for some time. I'm still working out the most recent injury. I have eventually recovered from them all & fully expect to recover from this one as well. My doc said at my age, we don't bounce as well as we did when we were younger. If he was a single year younger than I am, I would have given him what-for, but he is within 3 days of being exactly the same age.
The time during recoveries is thought provoking and filled with fear as most would expect. There was never a guarantee that I would recover fully & in actuality I never did for most of them. Mostly I did, & that is close enough. You cannot tell by looking & I'm getting better & better with every passing day. When the weather gets shifty my old war wounds get to hurting, but then I'm no spring chicken either. LoL It has affected only one date that I went out with. I was up front that I was still recovering from an ankle surgery & had worked up to a cane. (which I have thankfully ceased needing). We had what seemed like a nice date. At his suggestion, we exchanged cell numbers which he didn't have to do. Not only did he not call me again, but he changed his profile to include something to the effect that responders should be in good enough physical condition to climb a local mountain we have around here. (actually it's just a hill).
Ah well, Next!!!! | |
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ils99
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Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 89 | |
| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:11:15 PM | | I've only ever had one experience with a disabled person. We met on another dating site, and hit it off so well we were sending each other messages on MSN and he even added me on Facebook and at the end we gave each other our numbers. Everything is fine until days later, he tells me he's in a wheelchair. Thing is, he had pics of himself up on Facebook which I checked out but hadn't noticed anything unusual. When he told me, I was pretty surprised, wondering how I could've missed a detail like that? He had a great personality and we got along well. After the initial surprise was over, we went back to chatting again, and decided we'd meet up the following week for a coffee. The night before the meeting, he sends me a text saying maybe we shouldn't bother with the coffee, seeing as we weren't going to date anyway. Now here's the thing: when I first met him online I made it clear that I was ONLY looking for friends, and made sure that he did NOT get the wrong idea, which he agreed to. If I felt attraction to him later I wouldn't have minded about dating him. So after a week of stringing me along he decides he no longer wants anything to do with me. What do you call that? Do you think it was fair of him to just end it like that? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:21:57 PM | "Have you ever dated another with a disability,"
yes i have
"what things can these people do to give theirselves the best opportunity possible, and to protect themselves from those who might seek to take advantage of them."
they need to either already know what there good at and bad at...then need to come up with how to live with it the best they can and as for avoiding advantage seekers they be best not to get to close to anyone too soon...let the ppl coming into there life prove they will respect them before they earn the trust
"if you have a disability, how do you deal with it in the dating world?"
i have ADHD and a general learning impairment(GLI) also depression and aniexty ...many think i'm stupid due to my reading problems but i really know more than they think....or they think i'm slow cause it takes me twice as long to learn simple little things...i have just went for guys who were just as messed up as i am so we will both be on th same page and understand each others problems better
though often i feel odd cause so many guys want a "issues free chick" and run once they find out what i'm like...its not an issue for me now but when it was it was hard to meet someone who could accept that part of me | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:44:32 PM |
So after a week of stringing me along he decides he no longer wants anything to do with me. What do you call that?
Nerves. Extremely rude. Typical male behavior.
Do you think it was fair of him to just end it like that?
No. | |
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ils99
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Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 92 | |
| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:37:20 PM | | Violet Tigress you have just made me feel so much better! I was feeling a little guilty before for thinking that guy was being a little rude lol | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:24:56 AM | Regarding having seperate dating sites for persons with disabilities...YUCK. I dislike this idea, as well...though I thought the OP was referring to a forum area specifically geared to disabilities. My guess is, they think it would create more problems, than worth. (Trolls coming to just start sh1t and so on)
When I think of a seperate site, I think of segregation, or how some disabilites are actually "cultural" like Deaf versus deaf. I am not a cultural Deaf...I am deaf with a Cochlear Implant! I think feeling like we have to date within our disability is sad...and I would probably be the biggest discriminator if I had only other HOH or deaf to choose from! LOL | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/12/2008 3:54:05 PM | I have a disability called Cerebral Palsy, and to be honest, the dating world hasn't been so easy for me. But I really think we can say that with everyone. Dating can be difficult for everyone not just the disabled.
If you are going to date anyone who is disabled all you have to do is treat the person like they would want to be treated on a date. Be respectful, be kind, be understanding, don't stare at us like we are aliens who just came down from outer space. Be a gentleman. Don't be afraid to be around us , just relax, if you have questions most of the time we will answer them with no problem.
How I deal with the dating world...?? I just go with the flow. If someone has a problem with my walker and with me and my disability then fine, there is not much I can do about it. I'm still a lady, and I still have needs like everyone in this world. Having a disability does not make me any less of a woman. I still love to date and love to be with anyone who has respect for themselves and others.
Anyway, just thought I would put in my two cents on the subject.  | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/12/2008 5:52:23 PM |
I have not had problems,per se..just a general lack of interest in who I am-that may well be my perceptual process,but if it is,it continues to be my personal issue.
HERE HERE! This is precisely my issue as well.
I was at a club last night, with a meetup group, and while some of the people are interested in treating me like a normal person, for a good portion it is : "He talks funny, I don't need to pay any attention to him"
And so when it comes time to approach other people that don't already know you, it's like : What's the point - they'll just reject me too.
I understand now that part of my difficulties in dating have to do with having a generally passive nature. Women don't go for that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would fight tooth and nail to defend someone or something I care about... But I have previously in my life, fallen in the "nice guy fail" trap... That's why I was no more successful before I got sick then I have been sick.
I don't know what the solution is. I think cultural acceptance of people that are different is MUCH slower than what you see in the workforce for example. They can legislate away the physical barriers - the social ones will take much longer to fall. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/12/2008 6:05:38 PM |
To date, I have not received a response from anyone I have contacted, and I do find myself wondering if this might be due to my disability or something else in my profile that causes the lack of response. Of course it could be I am not giving the ladies sufficient time to respond.
That's pretty standard for plenty of fish though... The response rate on this site is one of the worst I've ever experienced. I think that's more in relation to your Y chromosone than your disability or profile :P | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/12/2008 6:14:09 PM |
There Are dating web sites specifically geared to those of us with disabilities; I have perused them, but most there didn't have much in common with me.
I've joined one as well and the ONLY person to contact me was a Nigerian scam! I was like... good grief! | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:40:19 PM | I find it funny that those of you with disabilities reject disability-specific sites because of their obvious lack of traffic in lieu of sites like this, where you feel socially disenfranchised. I can't really speak here as I've never had a disability, nor have I dated someone with. To be honest I've really never had much interaction with women with disabilities. Most of the people who are disabled or disadvantaged that I know are men. I've got ADD but I hardly consider that an impairment even. IF I was disabled though and was having this sort of trouble with a site like this I think I might want to reject this site for a change, rather than be rejected by it, and build some sort of following on the disability-specific sites. To be completely frank when we talk about the lack of options on those sites in terms of numbers in your areas are you certain that the numbers are there on a site of this magnitude either?
The nature of the beast is that people without disabilities of sorts who are average have a hell of a go of things here. Perhaps efforts are better spent trying to improve your real life game and foster the resources that are in front of you rather than trying to beat this sucker into the ground. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the people with slighted views on this issue have a change of heart but let's be realistic... it's not an option. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 12:39:57 AM | | The people I've seen on disability dating sites are very spread out. It's highly unlikely that you'd meet anyone within driving distance of you... and even If you did, they would probably not be in your age range. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 5:13:10 AM | One of my Sunday papers ran this beautiful story today.
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080713/COL02/807130634
If it's been archived, search on Detroit Free Press and Shannon Wiltse. | |
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