| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:54:16 AM |
he needed to tell her he could not go for a walk with her but, as he is in a wheelchair, he would be willing to ride by her as she walked. It was not nice to do to her.
For some reason...I keep finding myself drawn back to this post....regarding the man who never mentioned his wheelchair. And I keep trying to equate it to something non-disabled people might do...lie about their physical appearances, possibly? Someone who has an old photo and/or has gained a LOT of weight? In other words, it is about the lie, or avoidance of the truth...not about the chair or the weight??
Then I think..."Hmm...if someone invited me to a comedy club or concert...would I be a "liar" if I did not disclose that I have a Cochlear Implant?" Probably a bad example, since my "disability" is not visible or noticeable, unless my battery dies and I have to change it.
So I think a lot of this would pertain to how much we allow our disabilities to define us as people. Example: Are you a man in a wheelchair who likes gardening, photography, and (insert whatever floats your boat here) or are you an avid gardener, photographer, (whatever floats your boat here) who happens to require the use of a wheelchair?
I do not find myself telling someone right off the bat, "I have a disability/I am deaf without my cochlear." NOT because it embarrasses me or shames me...or because I am trying to "trick someone into believing I am someone I am not:...but because I just do not view it as pertinent to who I am. :)
In other words...how did the example of the man in the wheelchair pretend to be someone he was not? How is he less of a man who you clicked with, and wanted to meet for a date? If he was ABLE to do the functions of the date, maybe this is why he does not bring it up...because he did not view it as a barrier? If he had been asked to go mountain climbing...maybe he would have?
I am just mixed on this scenario...I respect both views...but to me, I keep thinking how NO ONE practices full disclosure when first meeting someone...so why would a chair (or other disability) be expected to do such? Hmmm.... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:39:22 AM | I am just mixed on this scenario...I respect both views...but to me, I keep thinking how NO ONE practices full disclosure when first meeting someone...so why would a chair (or other disability) be expected to do such? Hmmm....
I feel the same way. You shouldn't be expected or required to fully disclose your disability when you first meet someone. Whether you view it as a barrier or not, maybe it's something you just don't think to mention at first.... just because it is so normal for you. Would that make you a liar? That's why I just decided to go ahead and put up my pictures with the walker. It saves time and aggravation. Even without the walker, I always thought it was fairly obvious that I had a disability- with the whole facial paralysis thing... but no... many people just aren't that observant. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:02:07 PM | EVERY person has some sort of baggage, be it emotional, mental, physical, parental, spousal, etc. We've all got something. If we all disclosed every aspect of our lives up front we'd never meet anyone.
I do a lot of profile reviews and when a person comes along and says they've got a disability and when is a good time to reveal this information I'm quick to tell them it shouldn't be right off the hop. If you are in a wheelchair I think it shouldn't be documented in the profile. It's best to give the people a chance to see your personality and what's under the shell than to judge you based on what's on the outside. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 4:55:16 PM | You have made a great point. But there has been several times when I haven't documented that I have disability, and it has only done me harm As soon as I tell the guy I have a disability they become fearful and unsure. Then I'm pretty much dropped like a safe.
Personally it has always made me feel better to reveal my disability right away because it's honest and fair to the other person. If that person is going to judge me because of my disability, so be it. If it bothers them so much they should just move on with their profile viewing.
We are all judged every day disability or not. We shouldn't disclose everything, but something like a disability, I think is kind of important to know. Just my opinion. | |
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cdrive
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Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 105 | |
| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:28:33 PM | I have a disability but - like yours - mine doesn't interfere with daily life. It is, however, a chronic condition that someone who is interested in being with me long-term should probably know about.
I'm not going to go out of my way to tell casual dates about a condition of mine that won't affect them. Am I risking alienating someone I get serious with by delaying telling him about my condition? Possibly, but if he can't handle me when I'm being truthful and up-front, how much of a future together could we really have?
I will say that because of my condition I try to date men who don't have a disability. I have enough to contend with on my own, never mind helping take care of another person who could get sick (on top of my already full roster of aging parents and young children). And most of the time I take care of myself just fine, too - so I don't believe I present an undue burden, myself.
And for others with a disability, just be your beautiful selves. If someone can't see your value, just as you are right now (instead of in some hypothetical future), then why waste your time with them? | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:40:01 PM | i can only speak from personal experience...but, i much prefer someone with a physical disability over one with a mental disability.
i have dated way too many guys that had incredible mental baggage/hangups. these guys think they are normal, and everyone else is f'd up. in contrast, the few men i've dated with physical disabilities have been upfront about it. and, i appreciated their honesty, and still met them. the fact that there was no chemistry is just one of those things...their disability had nothing to do with that.
i would absolutely prefer to be aware of a disability. i would not discount someone for that, but, at the same time, i would appreciate being told. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/15/2008 12:43:20 PM | HarleyKat~ wrote:
For some reason...I keep finding myself drawn back to this post....regarding the man who never mentioned his wheelchair. And I keep trying to equate it to something non-disabled people might do...lie about their physical appearances, possibly?
What about whether or not you have kids, or your marital status? These are simple, clear-cut things that many people would feel deceived about if the person was not willing to volunteer the information, or if the information came out only later.
Being separated/single/divorced does not define someone. Having kids or not having kids does not define someone. And having a disability does not define someone. But all those things are definitely a part of who you are, IMHO. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/16/2008 12:39:58 PM | Well, I think motherhood defines a LOT of who I am...used to say such in my profile because it was such a profound thing to suddenly not have ANY children left at home! LOL
However...agreed...certain similarities! :)
I think the marriage status one is a little different...especially since if you are married and not disclose such...it could go against a persons beliefs and values...not to exclude make the person unavailable. A wheelchair or other disability does not neccessarily do such.
Hmm..interesting thoughts. However, I think I will stick with what works for me...and that is not making my deafness/CI be a major issue. :) | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/16/2008 4:07:30 PM | | Be honest, be open, tell it like it is. If someone can't handle it, you don't want to be with them anyway. If they can handle it, it doesn't hurt to tell them. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/16/2008 4:20:28 PM | I'll answer the subject first.
You date with a disability like everyone else dates. Present yourself at your best. By the time the other person figures out your flaws, if you care about them, hope you have made a connection and they don't care about your flaws. Everyone has issues. Be your best whenever possible.
That's the short answer.
As far as everybody having disabilities, that is bullshit. There is no comparison between being 5'1" and being disabled. All of these "disabilities" like eyeglasses and a limp or lisp are inconvieniences.
How about not being able to take a piss without help, to get out of bed, to go up one step, to pick your child up and give them a hug? How about to remember directions to your house, to recognize family, to fear irrationally to the point you won't leave home. Those are real disabilities.
Until you have spent time where your actions weren't of your own thinking or doing, you don't have an understanding of what a disability is. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/16/2008 8:05:52 PM | To MSG 20, 4S;
I've just finished a Developmental Services Worker Program and assist all kinds of PEOPLE , so, all can say is "BRAVO", Kudos to you! While it has been said laughter is the best medicine and I agree that jokes help to decrease the awkwardness, but, you have to ask yourself; "whos?". There is a time and a place for everything. This neither the time nor the place. Those who make jokes about this subject have an "institutional" or us/them complex.
-You have to admire someone who can "burn rubber" inside!
Stay Casual | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/17/2008 1:26:09 AM | I have not dated a person with a disability,and I wouldn't date one, but I would want to be a paid caregiver to one. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:24:59 AM | Violet you're a charmer... lol.... love it...
I too am a guardian for my disabled brother (from birth) and have grown up with him and the reaction of those around us... as a matter of fact he has 4 siblings... and I must say that altho I commend those who work in the field for the disabled I also note not all should be in the field and they are ill equipped for dealing the the unique circumstances of the "disabled". my mother rightly so took him out of a workshop after 10 years due to the taunting and teasing of the supervisors working on the floor with only most likely the manager having the degree... he got tired of the "crazy" finger circling behind his back when the so called floor supervisor thot he didn't see .... It only proves what kind of hired help we get as funding gets cut... so to the one who finds joking about it and at the same time patting herself on the back for working with "the unfortunates" that she isn't endearing herself in my eyes... I had my share of scolding your kind in the past.... altho it does fall on deaf ears, because of all the infirmed of the world your kind just doesn't have the wherewithall to understand it...
it must only be a paycheck for you....
I can be defensive because of my brother and although he may not have the IQ of average, it doesn't mean that he doesn't get it, or that he's ignorant to what he has. He knows he is special and tells me he wishes he weren't. I know he's attracted to so called "normal" women not special needs women, but I have watched them when he was a teen rip his heart out laughing at him and setting him up....
the above poster is most correct when she says we can all end up disabled in one way or another or that we will... and I agree with her statement.
For someone in a wheelchair who isn't up front on a first meeting maybe it just could be that they thought you were better then you turned out to be.... it's hard in this world sometimes to be up front if you feel like if they'd just give me half a chance not to see the chair maybe they'd see the real me.
Yes I am defensive but it's only because I've beat up a few ignorant boys in my childhood... it sucks being the oldest... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:22:01 PM | karalynj on 6/27/2008 4 20 AM
Subject: How to Date With A Disability
I am sorry that you all feel that I should have bowed down at his feet and worshiped the ground he walked on but sorry if he had had the balls to say he was disabled up front instead of hiding it and making a fool of me, then maybe if he had asked for a lunch date or a sit down chat somewhere? I would have had respect for him then.
I believe he was deceitful and dishonest in trying to fool me into thinking he could hide his disability, like another lady said: along with hiding wives, girlfriends, being out of work, being a liar is still being a liar at the end of the day.
MSG 101 has it all in a nut shell, scroll up, it is all about lying and liars | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:55:18 PM | PixyDust, I am sorry that you have had a bad experience with the workshop that your brother was attending! NO ONE, disabled or not, should be treated in such a manner...worse so when the staff are supposed to be trained to deal with differences and barriers! Funding cuts are drastic!!! I only hope there was not something in my post that made you refer to the "share of scolding your kind" and "paycheck" comment...because it was much more to me, and being a disabled person working in the field, I am even more empathetic!
Loz...again...interesting opinions raised! I mean this in no way to be sarcastic or mean...but do you think possibly the reason you were so ticked at your situation is because you were embarrassed or lacking in knowledge of how to react? Meaning...in a politically correct sort of way?
These days...it is VERY difficult to know what is PC and what is not PC! Does someone automatically approach the disability when confronted with such, or do they pretend it is par the course? Do you say, "Oh...I had no idea you were sporting wheels!' or do you just give whatever greeting you would someone without a chair?
Everyone I am associated with in the disability field, strongly pushes for self advocacy! These can be simple tasks ranging from catching yourself "aplologizing" for your disability ("I'm sorry...I have a hearing loss and need for you to face me when speaking.") to educating others and welcoming questions, comments, stares! ("I saw you noticed my implant...do you want to see it more closely?") And in order to have people be more accepting of any disability, we must educate them on such...because the MAIN REASON that people shun "people with differences" is due to their own ignorance or lack of knowledge of such. It makes people uncomfortable...partly because of the PC factor...partly because of just not knowing anything or what is acceptable. (Kind of like how we all pretty much know that we are not supposed to approach a service animal, but for those who DON'T know, might have a negative experience finding out such, when they attempt to approach!)
And Pixy...like you...I find I get defensive...not from having a sibling, but from having family with a hereditary disability. There was a girl in my elementary school who was deaf, probably legally blind, and spoke "deaf lingo" and had deaf enunciations. She was consistently made fun of and mocked and I had some lively times in school in her defense! ;) But this was a GOOD thing and probably showed me a calling of mine...as I was also a popular kid...so setting the bar for positive behavior was a gift I had. :) | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:27:57 AM | Harlykat, I was not referring to you at all... so please don't feel it was directed in your way... but I do get sick and tired of the common lack of empathy towards one handicap or another in everyday life let alone in a dating situation... I have so many examples to quote from but I'll refrain... It's from having my brother, a cousin through no fault of her own becoming a quad, and in the end my own mother who's terminal illness left her in a wheelchair and the unbelievable lack of others on two feet who fail to just get out of the way when you're trying to push someone up a hill and they unconsciously move slowly in front of you to the point of sheer exasperation.
There are those who reach out and really involve the handicapped into "real world" but yeah like the guy a few posts up.... for some it's purely scary...
Then someone who's indignant because a guy shows up in a wheelchair for a meet and fails to share the info... the holier then thou I can live without... I say she is mismatched in her job search... or she would have "gotten" it... | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/19/2008 1:23:53 AM | I think the way you view yourself has alot to do with the way the world views you...technically I am disabled but I dont feel disabled. My ex husband was bi-polar and I swear I will take any disablity there is versus that one. I never knew who I was living with, was he going to be depressed, or manic...if he was late was it cause he had tried to kill himself again? Life was hell and so my disability was pushed into the background, I didnt feel disabled cause I could see how much greater his disability was. I have recovered but he never will.
As far as getting it...I get it. I met a guy on another site, we talked on and off for months...he wasnt interested in anything but dating and I wanted someone long term. He thought he deserved the right to check under the hood right off the bat and I thought the hood stayed shut unless there was a real interest in buying. We ended up meeting out one night...he only had one leg. I know my mouth must have dropped open but in the end it didnt effect anything. I wasnt mad or upset nor did i feel he had mislead me cause he hadnt told me...why should he have had to tell me? We didnt agree on the dating vs long term thing but it had nothing to do with him only having one leg. He is a great person. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 7/19/2008 12:24:41 PM | I've been taking a lot of time to consider the gentleman in the wheelchair who wanted to go for a walk on a first date, why shouldn't he take that walk? No, he did not need to disclose the wheelchair and it seems that he was completely capable of going for the walk, even if he had to use his chair to accomplish it.
There are so many people out there, who are not disabled, complaining of things they can not do. But this gentleman, and the blind young lady who dates here on POF, are great example of those who overcome their disabilities and forge ahead. Yes, even you Tim move past your disability to allow all of us here to see the real you. I am reading of people who can not hear, those who can not see, those who can not walk, those with learning disabilities, yet I don't hear any of them complaining. Instead I am hearing stories of how these people successfully date within this thread, and I admit, it makes my eyes water as it tugs deep within my heart.
So how can those of us who are not considered disabled make dating easier for those we consider disabled? And yes, I am beginning to rethink how I view disabilities. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:15:28 PM | As a person who has disabilities I have been told by others and at another paid site that it would be better that I don't list that I have disabilities in my profile because if you look at me I don't look like I have disabilities and I could get away with "passing" as the paid site told me.
I thought about that for a bit and was confused because what was I "passing" for? A human? A monkey? A alien from the planet Risa?
I am a normal 47 yr old woman that has hopes, dreams, hobbies, friends, etc... I work as much as my body allows me to and I do whatever I can get away with! LOL! But at the same time I just feel that at least for me honesty is the best policy! At this time I get around quite well but unless modern science comes up with some really great solution there will come a time when I won't be able to move around worth a darn and I guess I figure whoever I'm with would probably like to know that up front! LOL! They also might like to know if they were to drop in unexpectedly why I from time to time look like a freshly risen vampire and have the same temperment (LOL) because I have a Migraine Headache from Hell that no drug can get rid of or I all of a sudden have to back out of a date or occasion. It's not because I don't like you or wouldn't like to go to whatever function or activity - it's because the pain in my head is so bad that if a mouse farts it makes me want to cry! And that this pain does not just last an hour or two but can persist for up to 6 or 7 days! (heaven help me somedays)
I try to make it clear in my profile that this is not a daily or even weekly occurence and that I like to do all sorts of things - I love a long lazy ride on the back of a Harley or an afternoon spent fishing and trolling around a lake. I think decorating every surface for Christmas is a hoot and should be done so that little kids can revel in toys and Santa and making cookies and candy and passing down age old traditions and going to service at midnight or just standing outside and drinking in the cold crisp air and looking up at the stars and being grateful for such a beautiful nite and people and loved ones to spend it with. I think that each moment we have should be enjoyed and in other words - I don't want to miss out on One Damn Thing if I can at all help it!! LOL!
Sorry, I kinda trolled off the topic there - the point is I am disabled but I am not broken but so many people do not understand the difference and do not even want to try to understand. You are just immediately passed by because people don't want to be awkward or uncomfortable or inconvenienced. But I guess that's okay because in the long run they are the ones that are missing out on me and others like me.
The hard part is that it can get kind of lonely sometimes. I mean, come on, I am 47 years old and like the old saying goes I got as much of a chance at getting hit by lightening than I do of finding a good man! LOL! My friends and I have discussed this and even one bf who looks like a supermodel has spent months and months without anyone to go out with. So I guess there are no guarantee's and no one said life is fair but I know for me - I will make the most of it as long as I can go and do and see and experience and laugh and cry with those I love best!
To all of you out there with disabilities - don't give up - I'm not going to! We just have to be patient that there is that extraordinary person out there that can see past the few words we write on our profiles and get that glimpse of who we really are and say I can't wait to me that woman(or man)!
Good Luck All and Happy Fishing! :~)
Lady G | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:25:40 PM | | Hi ...I would not mind dating a man who has a disability...As long as i like the person and we get along good...I like to pamper my man and having special time together means so much to a couple....There is so much we can too together like having long talk...kissing and hugging and cuddling. .holding hands and being there for one other....Last winter i stayed in a residential retirement place for 3 months and it was so nice to see many of them having lovely relationnship...a big hug....Rita | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:38:19 PM | Yes, I suppose you could call not having half of one of your arms a disability, so I dated someone with a disability. She was born without half of her left arm, and she had a non-moving prosthetic (not the robotic kind that I'd be designing as part of my career)--just to where it looks more normal & you can sort of use it to halfway prop things up with, etc.
She was able to function decently with this disability. Sometimes she needs help if meat needs cutting, but I was more than happy to help her with this. My advice to people with disabilities is (depending on the extent of the disability)--mention it relatively early on when considering dating someone, but don't let it be the first thing you say | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:47:30 PM |
what things can these people do to give theirselves the best opportunity possible, and to protect themselves from those who might seek to take advantage of them. Give them the best opportunity possible for what? We all have problems, some you see on the outside and some you don't.
Protect themselves from those who might seek to take advantage of them? Where is it that people that have challenges are going to be taking advantage of any more than anyone else? Geez, there was a thread like this deleted a couple months back that had this same kind of nonsense.
Equal opportunities for everyone in my opinion! Treat everyone the same unless you are being treated badly by them. | |
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| How to Date With A Disability
Posted: 9/8/2008 5:20:16 PM | | Op, I have Cerebral Palsy,...it plays hell with my dating life, but what gets me is that disabled people get turned down a lot more than non-disabled people,... then, when we're turned down so much,...we get angry & then we get told, "Well, if you didn't have 'anger-issues' you would probably have somebody by now." Well, that ...is a cop-out...an excuse. I've heard that from so many people. I'm NOT saying that it's all non-disabled people's fault, BUT I am saying that I somewhat believe that A LOT of non-disabled people use that as an "escape hatch" to make themselves feel like, 'Oh well,...I tried, but she/he was so angry that it wouldn't have worked anyway' ...when the thing is, the disabled person more than likely is NOT even angry to begin with. Look,...the point is, is that if people keep using this as an excuse when we actually AREN'T angry, then THAT'S when we're going to get angry,...& rightfully so. | |
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