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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:23:16 PM | Well I figured it out some time ago, emotional baggage is a lot like travelling baggage, never pack more than you can carry.
So, that is my gauge, I don't care how much baggage a person has, so long as they can manage it themselves.
For me, it only becomes an issue when they expect me to help them carry theirs, cuz I am already having enough fun balancing my own!!!! | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:02:04 AM | Good thread... not sure I have much to contribute on this one, as this is an area where I recognize the need to do some learning myself.
Like the OP, I too have noticed things going ok with someone beautiful, then she mentions her ex, and then asks about mine, and all my good intentions of not talking about my ex any more... go out the door... and so does the chick -- at the run.
I can't talk about my ex without reliving or discussing some of the f..king abused she dished out. F..K ME, I think I'm just going to start telling women who ask that I don't have an ex... my kids were just dropped off by the stork out of unmeritted good fortune. :yay: | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 8:21:15 AM | That is why it is important not to get involved too early after a breakup of a long term relationship and this applies with ourselves and others. We all need time to emotionally heal.
I once heard it put this way, we have to forget the past, not worry about the future and live for today.....
That is all,
BS | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:18:38 AM | I believe myself to be emotionally healed already. But then I do occasionally still find myself driving past a turnoff... not watching where I am going while ruminating about how badly I and the kids have been f..ked over in the divorce.
So I guess my friends are right in this case, (arghhhh... don't let it go to your head Tony). I may still have a short way to go before I'm clear of the baggage.
Maybe I'll take some days this summer to go to the beach and meditate on what a wonderful thing the young female form is when clad in a bikini. This always used to manage to occupy my mind rather fully -- or turns the mind off in favor of primal instinct -- or whatever you want to call it. At any rate... there is no room for piddling concerns about past or future  when one cannot change anything except what is happening personally in the immediate present.
Cheers all. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:57:22 AM | For example, certain people above who are openly hostile to other people who have "baggage" to me, are carrying baggage themselves .
For some, possibly, for me, I have none, because, I have got other more important things to do, then carry baggage around with me, or having to listen to someone else who has not cleaned up their baggage.
If they have not got it cleaned up then don't bother me with it, because, I am not interested in going through that all over again.
As said, I am tired of dealing with people who have not effectively dealt with theirs, and I don't tend on dealing with their baggage again.
To put it up front, and straight to the POINT, find someone else to use as your DUMPING GROUND to leave your undealt with baggage with.
Either that, or if need be, get some professional counseling if you need help, but, BUT, DO NOT take it out on someone else,
But, get it CLEANED UP, and CLEARED out of the way, so that you can live a cleaner, and more freer life.
I have, and if I CAN, then SO CAN YOU IF, you put your mind to it. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:09:39 PM | I am a very compationate person but it is very draining to oneself if you are used as a "dumping ground" to anothers personal baggage. Then you can be there as a friend to seeing that person through the tough times. I know when I went through my divorce 14 years ago it would have been nice to just have someone there as a friend.
That is all,
BS | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:16:36 PM | ^^ that's true enough ben
depending on how 'hard' one is hit by the event a "dumping ground" is something useful to have and maybe even necessary. But th e"dumper" must eventually begin to move on and the "dumpee" be able to absorb without or a s little as possible judgment and still be firm to "kick butt" a bit. Usually many will find one or more persons as rebound connection...eventually the confusion and hurt will fade, unfortunately the side effects on the rebound partner may not be as positive | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 6:06:53 PM | | I think every one who has loved and lost has been scarred,but the question is has the scar heeled? Remember when you where a kid and you;re mom told you to quit picking at that scab or it would never heal. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:04:29 PM | ^^^^That is a good point energy08...
When we take the time and energy to tend to our 'wounds' properly they will heal.... If we avoid, neglect or ignore them, they will not....
~Missy~ | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:32:04 PM | Its been almost 5 years I guess...wow where does the time travel to...I use to be angry, very angry for some time after my marriage ended. I was angry because I had turned 40 and found myself alone again. I wanted to be married, I wanted the family, the home and picket fence. I wanted everything to be the way it was and I was angry that it was gone.
Today I am no longer angry but I am still single and suspect that it will remain that way for many years to come. Its not that I have baggage per say, its that I am just plain fearful of going there again. Pretty simply put its safer to remain single than it is to care again. So would you consider this a form of baggage or just "Issues"...lol
I am one of the lucky ones, I have no contact with the ex, no child support issues as I do not receive any, no old boyfriends lurking in the wings..I live a simple yet active life.
Baggage is determined as many have said by the way we respond to what may seem as unhealthy conflicts in our lives. All we can really do is work a little harder each day to limit ourselves with the amount of baggage we allow in.
CC | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:33:56 AM | Around a couple of decades ago, I had a lot of baggage. Needless to say, my relationships were not very smooth nor successful. I had a lot of growing up to do, and 'cleaning house' so to speak. I took the time to do that, to work on those things, because I didn't want to touch the hot burner anymore. I wanted to not have drama in my life, and that has to start with me. So, I took the time. I grew a lot, and let go of my baggage. I got rid of the last of it when my marriage ceased around 7 years ago.
Now I am single, and I have had a few opportunities to be with someone, but I chose not to because I could see that THEY hadn't let go of their baggage. I don't mind if someone has a little, I mean nobody's perfect (and neither am I, I don't want to be perfect, that gives me no room for error :D), but by and large I don't want a mess of drama in my life. I want to be with someone who has their sh1t together, or is aware of it at least, and wants to work on it, and let it go.
Insecurity is a big one. People who haven't come to terms with insecurity tend to make life very uncomfortable for their partner, it's been my experience anyway.
I might sound like a jerk, but I have dealt through my issues, and it was NOT easy, it hurt a lot actually. But I just don't have the energy to deal with someone else's, and I don't want to date and be emotionally connected with someone who hasn't dealt with theirs. If they have baggage anyway. Some people don't really have that much, bless them. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:21:12 AM | Just my two cents worth.... this is what MY KIDS told me... MoM leave the past (and baggage) where you found them... they are of no use to you now and wont let you go forward.
Harsh words I know but I did teach the kids not to beat around the bush and be up front.. even with me.   | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:06:22 PM | WhenI originally wrote this post my intent was to see how other 's had dealt with the issue of ex's and their attempts or threats of doing extreme things when they they realized we could on without them. I called it Baggage,
Missy said; take the time to heal,
Worlds said: People who haven't come to terms with insecurity tend to make life very uncomfortable for their partner,
Leathern's kids said; mom leave the past (and baggage) where you found them... they are of no use to you now and wont let you go forward.
All are these thoughts are part the process
Definition of Baggage:
Preconceived ideas: ideas, beliefs, or practices retained from somebody's previous life experiences, especially insofar as they affect a new situation in which they may be no longer relevant or appropriate ( informal ) ................emotional baggage
As many have said, we all have it and its about how we are each able to deal with the issues, its the ability of getting past any of the precived guilt. For all of you out there...don't be afraid to seek outside help. I did, I had to try & figure out how to deal with the "what ifs" . I can only hope that should anything ever happen getting though it might be easier.
If not.......... then I know who to see.
I doubt our baggage will ever disappear, we just have to tie it tight, pack it away and try and forget were we put it. In a weird way it nice to know were not alone out there. Always remember the support of your friends family
Tight Lines Everyone....fishing: | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:27:57 PM |
It seemed everything we talked about had commonalities. we both thought we could do something together.
Then came the "curse of the ex's". Unfortunatly too many similarities there as well, including attempts of or threats of suicide. This was too much and now she has bailed.
Sometimes, people don't want to stay with anything or anyone who reminds them of what they've just been through. The need to "move on" can be exceedingly strong and where that exists, if you're talking with someone who has shared your experience, you may find that they think they will stay "stuck" if they are with someone who is also still pretty absorbed in the "negative commonalities".
Now any emails and calls to support her seem to be have mistaken for something else.
While you feel you are being kind, she may feel that you are feeling sorry for her or pitying her. That can make a person feel like "less than" and can drive them away.
It's also possible that she still feels vulnerable because of what she's been through and knows that there are people who will try to get their own needs met by pretending to care about what she's been through. That vulnerability can make a person put the brakes on anything that is developing between themselves and someone else if they feel that they haven't reached their own "well-point" after being hurt.
Who out there has had this happen to them, when is the baggage finally tied up.??
The baggage ISN'T "finally tied up" if you are still discussing it often with someone you have just met. The baggage is "tied up" when the knowledge you gained from your experiences is simply part of who you are and not something you are using to get close to someone or stay detached from someone, in a new relationship.
I say let our present dicate our future, the strength of two strong will will work in supporting most issues of the past.
We all have to move on.
When a person has had some experiences that can teach them about themselves, that should be the focus of their efforts in the beginning stages of healing. Having supportive friends is wonderful but using those experiences as "commonality" is like trying to build a house on quicksand. We do, indeed, need to move on, but the speed for each of us, can vary greatly. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:30:14 AM |
I doubt our baggage will ever disappear, we just have to tie it tight, pack it away and try and forget were we put it. In a weird way it nice to know were not alone out there. Always remember the support of your friends family
I enjoyed your post. I only have one disagreement to make with what you said-
Baggage does disappear. It disappears when it doesn't matter anymore, when it's irrelevant to your life at this point in time. When you don't allow your negative experiences to define you, but define yourself merely as who you happen to be- which is the sum total of ALL your experiences. Not the nasty ones.
I hope that makes sense, I am a bit philosophical, and we know the worth of a philosophy degree nowadays.  | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:49:31 AM | | I went out with a chic for two years,and we had all sorts of things in common,the sex was incredible too.The problem was that she had all sorts of emmotional baggage for one and a half years of it ,finnaly I just had to let her go and deal with it on her own.I don't know how she's doing now ,but I hope she's happy. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:06:14 AM | The problem was that she had all sorts of emmotional baggage for one and a half years of it ,finnaly I just had to let her go and deal with it on her own.I don't know how she's doing now ,but I hope she's happy.
Good point, energy08.
As hard as it is, to let them go, if they have a lot of emotional baggage, ya have to let them go, otherwise, it just drags you down.
That may seem selfish, but, at the same time, your also doing each other a favor.
Letting her go, also, allows her to deal with her challenges on her own, or if need be, to find perofessional help, that can help her deal with her challenges, while it allows you to move on, so that you can find someone else. Yet, at the same time, in the end, ya hope that they are doing well.
I guess the old saying also goes, if you love them enough, ya let them go, and if they return, then it was meant to be, and if they don't return, then it was not meant to be after all.
Also, I guess that you could also say, it is better to have loved, and lost, then to never had loved at all. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:33:14 PM | | If you want to fly Air Steed their is a strict no baggage policy in effect. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:00:34 PM |
I doubt our baggage will ever disappear, we just have to tie it tight, pack it away and try and forget were we put it.
I'm kinda questioning this theory 'cause I'm thinking that some of the baggage I've encountered throughout my life has helped me to grow into a better person as a result & increased my awareness so I am more careful not to allow myself to make the same mistakes again. So while I agree that baggage should not be allowed to affect your current friendships & relationships, I don't think one should completely toss it aside & forget about it, else you run the risk of putting yourself back into situations that created that baggage in the first place because you've forgotten all about it. Just a thought ...... | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:50:19 PM | ^^FunnyAndSweet makes a good point.
I wanted to add that I can be friends with someone who has baggage, because there's enough of an emotional distance between me and a friend that they won't take it out on me, a friend usually just needs someone to talk to about things, and sometimes get advice and support. I know it's a double standard, but it's been my experience that a romantic relationship with someone who has a lot of baggage isn't healthy, because if you are close, you tend to get the brunt of it. | |
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| Cleaning up the Baggage
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:23:58 PM | Personally I'm tired of hearing that cliche of " baggage " being thrown around the POF site. Everyone has a history and if you don't like it stay in your little hidey hole and bang away on the computer. No one is perfect. For all those that say that their "baggage" is dealt with , just remember you are never yourself immune to adversity and at anytime you might have to deal with some pressing/urgent/devasting
issues . You will hope that the person you chose to be by your side doesn't ditch you because you have a liability and cramp their lifestyle. What goes around comes around. | |
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