| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:15:47 AM | | my ex never ever said to me or anybody els that some of the things he did were contributin to the failure of our marriage he always blamed me and everyone els he had in his life ...........some people never learn that it take two ... | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:36:44 AM | well, this is what *I* would do in that situation, so why doesn't he?" is not a valid viewpoint,
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Oh yes great topic OP. Like that person I copied...many many of us, even the really healthy and normal people here (not me) ...think our way is the right way. I too am often thinking the way I'm thinking is just dandy for other people..GF's, family, friends, customers....as if I have some monopoly on "right and wrong", proper and improper, important and unimportant, manners, tone of voice, or even what a conversation is really about...have you ever eavesdropped on two people who seemingly were having two different conversations...but neither one answered the other one such as "What time should we meet for dinner?"....."well then I hope we can go out for pizza"..."Ok, see ya later"....
How often does this happen to us? I wonder if I"ve been a part of some of those...
What I have noticed about POF threads is, if its a topic like "Why did you break up with your ex" 8/10 or so will say something like "My partner couldn't handle commitment", or "he/she was a liar and cheat". But if its a broken heart, we do often about 8/10 times read "I know I let him/her down" or "I am really sorry I got drunk and had sex with his/her sister/brother/friend/roommate/husband/wife/mother/father"
I think I know what my faults are some are big (so I try and keep them well hidden
   ). I often wonder what others think my faults are...hopefully the same observations.
(((my ex never ever said to me or anybody els that some of the things he did were contributin to the failure of our marriage he always blamed me and everyone els he had in his life ...........some people never learn that it take two ...)))
Some people dont understand the topic of this thread...and might explain their bad relationships. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:38:42 AM | LOL; I think you are right; lets face it though, there are some bad people that cheat or lie or just care about themselves.
I think the thing that blows me away though are those that stay with people that are obviously not good for them but they blindly stay with them, and when they are finally thrown away or blown off, they say poor me. Some people are very poor at choosing people.
The worst one I saw is the woman that has been cheating for 3 years or so with a married man. When he dumped her and stayed with his family, the woman went bolistic and ripped on her friends and others that didn't feel sorry for her for being dumped. She knew he was married with kids, and she did anything to break up the marriage.
In todays selfish, self absorbed world, nothing surprises me anymore. Character for many, are things of the past. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:42:27 AM | A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."
The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!" | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:16:54 AM | "If you keep on doing what you always did . . . you'll keep on getting what you always got!"
~quote from somebody
Sometimes people don't actually see what they did wrong. You have to really stop and think about and concentrate on: "What did I do wrong?" Most of the time, people don't try to find out, they just go around blaming the other person and wind up in the same predicament. After the next failed relationship, they might look for a common factor......"Could it possibly be something I am doing wrong?" | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:47:26 AM | Is it EVER your fault? <-------Yep, the last one was her fault in the picture there to your left. Freely admitting to saying too much when angry. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:59:30 AM | The interesting thing I see, is that a lot of people separate due to arguments and arguing. Now I'm not sure about everybody, but in my world, it takes TWO people to have an argument...
Sure, we all talk to ourselves, and sometimes we are uncertain about choices presented to us individually, but in a relationship, there are TWO to argue...
I can't say my failed past attempts were solely someone else's fault, nor were they solely My fault... I came to understand my mistakes, and sometimes a person's mistake is just plain picking the Wrong mate... Other times its the way we look at things, react to different situations, and the age-old one... MONEY...
While you can't go back and fix your past, you CAN choose how you will act in the future. Identify the points where the other person was wrong, as well as identify the points where YOU did wrong, and vow to yourself that next time, you will NOT act in the same manner towards someone else.
If your past relationships ended the same way, go back and look at the facts leading up to the split, and ask yourself what YOU could do better Next time!!!
CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:23:46 AM | | On the contrary, the ultimate repository of wisdom, Jerry Seinfeld, teaches us that the only really acceptable way to break up is to announce: "It's not you, it's me..." | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:43:31 AM | It takes two to tango in relationships. Not all problems can be one persons fault. I think both have to take responsibility for letting things happen or go on the way they are.
Admitting that you are wrong to your partner - when you know you are wrong - is important and an endearing quality to me in a potential partner. My relationship just ended - we both had our faults and admitted to them. But it wasn't enough to save the relationship. Had we done that earlier - we might have been able to salvage it. One thing that I do now accept as my fault, is allowing a mutual friend to meddle in our private lives. But that's going off topic.
So yes, I'll admit I'm wrong and will take fault for things that have gone wrong because of my actions. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:44:31 AM |
Is it EVER your fault?
Have you ever seen one post from someone male or female where they admit that they are the reason that their relationship failed? Me either!!!! Nope it wasn't their fault!!! It's like a damn prison around here, they are ALL innocent in there too!!!
Damn that's harsh, has ever occurred to you that when a relationship fails, bar domestic violence and sexual abuse, that both parties are to blame...
I'm honest enough to admit that my marriage failure was due to him and I, neither one of us was willing to meet in the middle. Once I got over being angry at him and hating his guts, I have always put my hand up to my part in the break up, If i can't be honest with myself on that score what hope do I have of any future relationship working. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:13:59 PM | Fault and blame are negative and I try to keep them out of my relationships.. past, present and future.
I also don't see the end of a relationship as a failure. Some relationships just aren't intended to last forever in the same context in which they were started, that doesn't mean it wasn't a great romantic relationship while it lasted.
Relationships change, evolve and/or stagnant. While we can control this to some degree (as in only your input into it) much of it is also out of our control (as in the others input into it). At such a time that the energy put into the relationship falls out of balance, it has changed and many times need re-evaluated.
When people need to place blame and fault it is usually because they can't handle that it changed and didn't remain the same or they weren't honest with themselves from the get go and realize just what type of relationship they were in and/ or there was a deception of misrepresentation of who a person is (themselves or the other). None of which make for a happy, healthy relationship so why bemoan the fact that it is over?
Your relationships, happiness and life are your responsibility. Sure, I've made some not so great decisions, done some stupid things and ultimately am always the one responsible for where I'm at and with whom. I made that choice.
It's not my fault, it's not his fault and there is no blame. I just learn to make different choices. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:17:48 PM | I can't say I agree with you about not seeing where people here don't admit there fault in a break up. As thet say, it takes two to tango.
Maybe that's your perception since it is those that were abandoned in the relationship that do most of the posting. I don't see to many posts from those that did the dumping.
In my most recent heartbreak, as I look back, I made a mountain of mistakes. I am no less then 50% the blame. No, I did not cheat or lie. But a volume of little thinigs eroded her feelings for me. Some things were out of my control or even hers. Life got in the way of her happiness. I don't even blame her. In fact, we are talking trying to at least be friends.
It's not always she or he did wrong. Sometimes things neither can control casused bad feelings, hurt or whatever. Then one partner has had enough and moves on.
If I had a magic wand and could take back every angry word, every word that hurt her said out of my own frustration and pain, then maybe she's still be here. If I could wave that wand and get her to forgive me for all the little things I said or did wrong. If I could wave it and just start over with her. In the end, I love her, respect her and appreciate the fact that she is still and always will be an honorable honest, loving woman. I just have to bare the pain of where it all went wrong. No fault or shared fault. I accept my part in it. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:21:45 PM | | OP I've fawked up, and I know it. If we don't make mistakes we can't learn from them. Unfortunately some people never learn from their mistakes, and spend the whole of their lives blaming everyone else for them because they can't face the alternative. That's their problem, and you're never going to change them. Once you can admit your mistakes and still respect yourself as a good person, then you can move on and look to a happier future IMO. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:34:43 PM | | Actually, I did read in one of the threads I posted in where a guy was admitting that he royally messed things up with one of his ex's. In some cases it is the fault of one person, but often the fault is with both parties. I don't think it's a matter of who's to blame but more a matter of accepting responsibilities for your actions and how they might have caused the partner to react a certain way... Everyone screws up whether then want to see/admit it or not and most find it easier to point the finger at another person than to look in a mirror to see what really might have went wrong. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:22:03 PM | I know that everything is/was my fault.
And even to this day, I still find it difficult to look objectively at the role my ex and I both played in the demise of our relationship.
I tend to only want to see MY faults and I totally downplay his.
In sort of a perverse and complete reversal of how it usually is I guess.
But I've always been this way so this is nothing new for me.
In fact, one of my biggest fault is thinking that everything is always my fault. And as ridiculous ( or pathetic) as it may sound, it's a serious problem and it can be as detrimental to someone's mental health than it is for someone who is at the opposite end of the scale who goes around blaming everybody else for his lot in life.
Knowing the reasons why someone is like this is half the battle...having to (re)train your brain and/or thoughts pattern to think in brand new (and healthier) ways is the other half, and this is where it gets a little more challenging.
So to answer your question OP... I have no problem saying it's my fault. None whatsoever. My problem is trying to convince myself that it wasn't all my fault. 
JMO | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:32:01 PM | Great thread Indigo!
Yep in my first marriage I was at least 50% at fault for it not working out. I had unrealistic, immature ideas about what it took to make a marriage work.
In the second one, I can honestly say I was maybe 20% of the problem, but that is pushing it. That was a situation that no matter what I did, it was completely out of my hands, and in his. He refused to do anything....so I was left with no choice but to leave or be miserable.
Funny how trying to work through the second marriage, I realized for the first time what I did wrong in the first. Actually apologized to the ex too. He laughed and said sorry for his part too. We are good friends, which is key with 3 kids. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:39:46 PM | | Op here here. LOL it is like a prison here , no guilt. In every failure I have ever had my 1/2 was certianly there. There were things I could have done and chose not to. Not to mention my own personal imperfections if you can believe I have them. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:41:08 PM | I take full responsibility for staying in a 37 year marriage that was wrong from the git go. I'm responsible for growing and changing when he didnt want growth and change......AND STILL I STAYED............I take responsiblity for NOT LEAVING when I should have.........
I take responsibilty for not leaving or calling the police when he abused me........I knew it was wrong
I take responsibility for thinking I could make it better............
And you might be surprised to know......he felt responsible for NOTHING......He had alcoholism as an excuse.......
I made him drink
I made him angry
Imade him hit me
The verbal abuse was my fault
And still I stayed.............and yes I take responsibility for that...................
PEACE | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:44:37 PM |
In retrospect it was much more my fault than his.
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. I was married 17 yrs, and a great many of our problems were caused by my immaturity. I also take a lot of responsibility for the crap he pulled on me because I believe (NOW) that people will only mistreat and disrespect you if you let them. We were both pretty young and stupid, but I was stupider than he was. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:16:47 PM | This is kind of what I meant on a thread with "blame cards" on how everyone always blames others. But indigo you put it way much better than I could either that or the posters didn't comprehend the question lol. But they'll blame me for putting it wrong lol.
So I 150% agree with you. I used the "men only want sex" example. Which is a very popular post.
But thank you for posting this wink.
Best of luck to everyone  | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:31:20 PM | Indigo Rose-
I've always taken ownership of my shortcomings-including those in my marriage that regretably failed. It took the two of us to get married and it was BOTH of us, for one reason or another, as to why it ended. I've also told my ex that it doesn't matter who hurt whom first or worst-we both had some part in the disolution of our marriage. That being said-there are times when it's simply just easier for some folks to place blame to ease a guilty conscience etc.
There are times I wished that we could have fixed all the things that were broken in the marriage, but the only thing I could fix was myself. Denial is a huge problem with many couples because no one views the same issues the same way. When I got honest with myself I knew we were in trouble. I have no desire to marry again, much less live with another person, but that doesn't mean I don't want or like a companion in my life. I just try to remember all the things I did RIGHT, and not revisit the things I've done WRONG in the past so I can have healthier relationships now.
Yeah-I fawked up-but I forgave myself and moved on. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:36:14 PM | But you have to remember there is much more to growth than just noticing where you fvcked up
and accepting responsibility for that.
I'll ask myself for where I messed up and then (after I got all of that out) I'll ask myself where I went right.
And give myself acknowledgment for that
... even if it hurts. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:46:39 PM | Man, what a bunch of losers!  Nobody will want you now!
It's tough being blameless. Nobody understands the burden of perfection.
The only kind of mea culpa I will accept from a woman at this point, if she is even in the running on all other counts, is something like: "Yes, I screwed up. I was bad. I intend to keep screwing up and because of this I require frequent spankings." Then we know where we stand and it's all good.
Those women who pretend they accept fault but still cling to the ideal of knowing better and being good, are way too unrealistic for me. Stupid is as stupid does. Baseball is a good example. If you bat 300 you're doing great. Batting 300 means batting with a success rate of 30 percent. But online people think they are realistic wanting to only screw up every so often. They would want to bat 1000, or get a hit every time at bat.
The problem is, that means when you are with them you have to pretend they didn't screw up. You have to lie. And if you forget to lie and they find out you know they screwed up, the world falls apart until they can restore their delusion of competence. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/27/2008 4:53:59 PM | Indigo,
You have brought up a question that I was wondering myself a few times. If I were to say no, then I would be lieng.
A messed up and I admitt to it. I would rather have someone be mad at me for something I did or say, but I will fight my ground for something that I was acused of and wasn't true.
You are right that so many will not admit to thier faults and it is always the others person who was wrong. Too many stuborn people these days. | |
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