| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:40:48 AM | You are lying to yourself if you think that is the sole reason your first wife left you, ss. Even within the sad confines of your obvious lie, you fail. No orgasm, what, were you tongueless and d*ckless? Not likely. More likely, you lacked the empathy and tenderness needed to complete that love connection. lol. If you think empathy and tenderness will secure love you're woefully wrong. I only mentioned the straw that broke the camels back. Let me throw in her having her tubes tied without so much as asking me. But let me guess, you think it's her body and she can do with it as she pleases (her words actually). Well let her do what she will with her body alone (which she still is after 25 years and crying for yet more sympathy). But wait..... there's more!!! ....
In any situation in which you are involved, you have a role, for which you must take responsibility. For having morals? I accept.
I am proud to wave the flag of responsibility. It means I am still open, still learning, which is why we were put on this earth in the first place. Deny this truth, and you will remain bound to your karmic wheel. Karma shmarma. I guess Jesus Christ was really a pretty crappy human having to repay it and all. Sucks to be him. If a chick is still learning, she's too young for me. As for morals, it's like math... you either have it or you don't. No amount of learning will help you.
Sorry for my rant, ss, but I just don't much cotton to people too lazy to properly spell "divine". Your post left me 'frigid' and 'sick'.
I can't spell when I'm horny either. As for not cottoning to people who can't spell, then POF isn't the place for you buddy.
Ask someone who has been beaten into domestic slavery by their own personal terrorist if they own one little piece of the failure of their marriage. Oh sure.. the bird brains in the peanut gallery will come up with "but they made a bad choice for a partner so they own it." or " they enabled the abusive person" BullSh-t.
If I meet someone who owns in whole or in part the failure of their marriage, then they're probably not for me. I'm picky like that. If you think I'm missing out on about 75% of women, then so be it. More for you right?
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:23:29 AM |
Women who seek sex outside a marriage are often not seeking sex, but some sort of validation that they are not getting from their husbands.  What a load of psycho crap. Women and men who look for sex outside of the marriage are either curious and unfulfilled sexually, plain pigs, or have the mores of a monkey. This is not rocket science kids. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:50:57 AM |
Is it EVER your fault?
It's my fault this thread got into a "why is she cheating" thread. Not really, but I'll take one for the team, so to speak.
And of course for showing up on your who "Viewed Me' page, Indgio Rose. Now I'll be haunting you and then you can start one of those crazy, "Help! Why is he stalking me" threads. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:13:31 AM | Relationships, job stuff, family stuff...I've learned to ask myself one question" "What's my part?"
Maybe there was something I was lacking that contributed. I don't think I can understand anything truly until I ask what my part may be. There is always going on, a detailed interpersonal dynamic (relationship wise) that includes me.
Then there was this unknown, unmet neighbor who knocked on the door. When answered he said, "Stop aiming your antennas at me!" Oh chit! I had no part in that.  | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:30:12 AM |
What a load of psycho crap. Women and men who look for sex outside of the marriage are either curious and unfulfilled sexually, plain pigs, or have the mores of a monkey. This is not rocket science kids.
When you are a woman and can understand the different views on sex between men and women, then you can offer your "qualified" opinion.
For example, if a woman has never had an orgasm in her marriage due to her husband's lack of care or consideration, yup, she is curious and unfulfilled, BUT it is the lack of what she is NOT getting from her husband that often creates the curiosity and lack of satisfaction.
As I shared earlier, my lack of satisfaction with sex during my marriage was very low. AFTER we got married, his personal hygiene lapsed and continued to lapse until I refused to engage in connubial bliss with him. He would say horrendous things to me and then expect me to have sex with him. When I didn't respond favorably, he told me that I was frigid. Of course, he didn't really care if I did have satisfaction as long as I was putting out.
Did I have a curiosity about how sex would be with other men (I was a virgin when we married), you betcha! Was I unfulfilled? Yes. After 25 years (I am a patient woman), I finally left.
My curiosity and lack of fulfillment was, in large part, due to his lack of validation. I know that now because I have had other sex partners.
I have heard this story from many other women, both in person, in articles, and online. Maybe your inability or unwillingness to understand this resulted in your ex wife's search for other men. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:34:04 AM | A very refreshing topic. Nice to see that some people here actually look at themselves and their behavior in relationships. There are still posts where it's all deflected, i.e., "It's my fault for choosing her" and "I messed up by not seeing red flags," which aren't admissions of hurtful behavior at all, but rather outwardly-directed criticisms.
I've been in counseling where I stated that I was 50% to blame for what was going wrong, and no more. The response was usually a long-winded argument about how it was more like 99% my fault.
These days, I'm very attracted to someone who can actually say, "Oops - I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:47:01 AM | | im not innocent by a logn shot, i ruined a relationship i had with someone by calling her 24/7 and basically the further she drifted away the closer i tried to be. ill tell you what though i learned my lesson and id sell my soul to go back and make it right. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:48:29 AM |
Did I have a curiosity about how sex would be with other men (I was a virgin when we married), you betcha! Was I unfulfilled? Yes. After 25 years (I am a patient woman), I finally left.
However, put a man in the position you were in, let him leave, and he is told that there is more to a relationship than sex, and he's just a sex hungry pig for not staying with his wife. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:57:19 AM | | If people post that it is all their fault POF will delete it cause its a pity thread. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:03:39 AM |
However, put a man in the position you were in, let him leave, and he is told that there is more to a relationship than sex, and he's just a sex hungry pig for not staying with his wife.
Sigh.
It was more than JUST sex. The sex is often the symptom, not the disease. This is the point I am attempting to drive home with the man who says the wife left because he couldn't give her an orgasm.
And if she can achieve orgasm with other men, why not with him?
And perhaps some people feel the way you stated, but not all. A married man where I teach consistently propositions me. He says that he loves his wife, but that she is not interested in sex. If her lack of interest (and maybe he is lying) "drives" him to seek out other women, he needs to leave the marriage.
WHY is she not interested in having sex? Is it a health problem? An emotional or psychological problem? They are in their 60s, does she feel that she is too old for sex?
When married men approach me on POF and say their wives won't have sex with them, I ask them, "If she won't, why would I?"
Since I left my marriage ten years ago and began talking to men about sex, I have come to understand things that I never realized in my marriage. One of the things I realized is that we NEED to discuss problems. My ex never asked me why I didn't enjoy sex with him; he labeled me cold and dysfunctional. If I tried to broach the subject, he didn't want to talk about it. The men with whom I had had relationships since then would be very surprised to know of my ex's diagnosis.
When I was walking out the door, he was shocked because in his eyes, he was a good husband. I told him for TWO years before I left that I was unhappy and things needed to change, and nothing did.
Since the OP never stated what the problem was with his sex life, I can only surmise that they never discussed it. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:14:18 AM | | Actually, I take that back. It's never any of our faults on POF because we're all perfect. Perfectly single. lol | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:55:11 AM |
^^^ Ahhh, I get it, so it WAS all his fault
Right. After all she is the Princess and he turned into the unhorny Toad.
She warned him about his stinky feet two years ago. He thought of telling her five years ago that the Goldilocks fantasy was getting stale. But he kept it to himself. She claims it was his fault.
I would pay to hear his side of the story. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:25:05 PM | ^^^^^x . . . . marks the spot . . . . . . . .BRB . . . I need to do some research on "UNHORNY TOAD" . . . 
~Myth~ | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:29:52 PM | Yes, the first divorce was ultimately my fault.
The second divorce was HIS fault.
The third marriage ended in death & that was GOD's fault!
That's my story & I'm sticking to it! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:59:40 PM |
^^^ Ahhh, I get it, so it WAS all his fault
Are you asking that about my marriage? No, it wasn't all his fault; I had my own expectations that were just never going to happen. I wanted him to be someone who he was incapable of being; when we married, I thought I could mold him into that man. When he didn't respond in the way that I wanted, I protested, we fought, and in the latter years, I stopped fighting and withdrew.
If my ex began a thread, he would unequivocally state he was blameless in the dissolution of our marriage. He would say that he worked for years to provide a living for his family, and after 25 years, I stood up one day said, "I am leaving" and walked out the door. He would say that I put unreasonable demands on him and though he tried and tried, nothing he did was good enough. I know because that is what he told common friends. (A side note, until I left, those friends never knew anything was wrong with the marriage.)
The ideal situation would have been for us to sit down and agree that we had changed a lot since we met when I was 17 and he was 18. Though it is a cliche, people truly do grow in different directions. Our goals were the not same goals anymore, and our interests were not the same. I tried to discuss this with him one day, and he was silent for about ten minutes, then got up and walked away. I wanted him to be a man who would respond, talk it out, and if it was over, we part ways amicably.
He wasn't that man, and at last, I finally admitted he never would be.
Outside parties never know the "true" story; the participants don't even know the "true" story. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 1:36:45 PM | Relationships, job stuff, family stuff...I've learned to ask myself one question" "What's my part?"
Maybe there was something I was lacking that contributed. I don't think I can understand anything truly until I ask what my part may be. There is always going on, a detailed interpersonal dynamic (relationship wise) that includes me.
Then there was this unknown, unmet neighbor who knocked on the door. When answered he said, "Stop aiming your antennas at me!" Oh chit! I had no part in that.
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^^^^^^^^^^^^ xinxpsired - My feelings as well. Until I was able to start looking at my part in things it was always his fault. Once I was able to this honestly, I was able to see that often it was more mine then the others. I am able to learn and grow from all that.
Sometimes my part has simply been trying to hold onto something that just wasn't right and getting hurt because I couldn't make it work. No bad guy, just not compatible. Unfortunately until I could learn to see my part my pride and ego and self kept me the victim. Yuck. I like that I am responsible for my own actions today, that I am not that poor me person because now I can make changes and grow. I don't make anyone else responsible for my happiness and peace, tho I'd love to have someone to share it with. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:48:29 PM | ^^^^^^me too!!!!!
Thanks TWIN sistah! (she is the nice one of course!)
~Myth~ [*coughs*]sheeee-devil | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:36:23 PM |
What a load of psycho crap. Women and men who look for sex outside of the marriage are either curious and unfulfilled sexually, plain pigs, or have the mores of a monkey. This is not rocket science kids.
I predict a lifetime of angry, self-righteous lonliness for you until you wise up. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:51:32 PM | OP--Yes.
Married to one 18-1/2 years -- bad choice.
Dated another, almost 3 years -- bad choice.
Both times -- my bad. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:05:40 PM | This has been quite the interesting thread to say the least.
I have to say that I accept no ownership for the demise of my 16 year marriage! Nope, wasn't my fault. He was an abusive b-tard in more ways than I care to count. I tried different approaches to deal with our issues. Submissive, passifist, anger, placater. None worked. When only one in the relationship wishes to work on things, it will fail. And NO. I do not accept the issue that I made a bad choice so therein, lies my fault. Doesn't wash with me at all. Sorry but a lot of what has been said here is pure hogwash in my mind. So? Having said that ....anyone want a date? | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:09:23 PM | | Saying "I made a bad choice" is a cop out. It reduces your role to one act. It ignores the 18 years x 365 days of actions that went into the whole shebang. But I am not asking for more because we do what we can. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:14:01 PM | | I always "fawk" up as you say. Hell, I take way too much blame on myself, much moreso than I should. No one forced me to be who I am, my ex's have never forced me to do that one stupid thing that ruined a great relationship (except for that one, ran off with me best friend...god I miss him). But you know what, for all my flaws, I like myself. :) Just wish I was a little more social. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:14:24 PM |
And NO. I do not accept the issue that I made a bad choice so therein, lies my fault. Doesn't wash with me at all. Sorry but a lot of what has been said here is pure hogwash in my mind. So? Having said that ....anyone want a date?
Thanks, no, not at this time.
I do appreciate the honesty inherent in the still open wound of your anger, though.
But, please hear this. No matter how difficult it is for you emotionally to see and accept your part in your life, no matter how small, until and unless you do, you will remain tied to your toxic past. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:27:14 PM | ^^^ I like that 'toxic comment'; it couldn't be a more accurate statement.
There are three sides to every breakup .. as they say..
Her side.
His side.
And the truth.
Of course, everyone has to take responsibility and accept fault. We all play a part in some way. | |
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