ddsk
| | Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 176 | |
| | Is it EVER your fault?Page 8 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | this is now one of my all-time favorite threads ...
ladies taking the gloves off ... sweet!
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:41:54 PM | Even though I broke off my last serious relationship, after months had passed ... I looked back and saw the crucial mistakes I had made. Failure was just as much my fault as it was hers.
Sometimes I wonder how different things would have been, if I knew then what I do now. Hind sight is 20/20, right? We weren't right for each other, so I'm glad that I wasn't too keen back then. Many more years could have been wasted there. "Whew!"
Now that I have learned what I believe that I needed to learn, I feel that I will appreciate the right woman more ... when she finally walks into my life. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:35:47 AM |
I do appreciate the honesty inherent in the still open wound of your anger, though.
But, please hear this. No matter how difficult it is for you emotionally to see and accept your part in your life, no matter how small, until and unless you do, you will remain tied to your toxic past.
I am sorry to hear you have interpreted my statement as anger Rev because it is far from it. I never said I was perfect, I know my faults. I harbour no anger towards the ex. He gave me two beautiful children. I will not, however, accept blame for the demise of a marriage wherein abuse played a very integral part. Sorry, just can't go there. What is it that you would like me to say? That since I was forced into marriage due to fear, that it was all my fault? That all of the methods I tried with him to keep the family together when he wasn't interested was wrong? Again, no, don't think so Rev. I appreciate your thoughts but do stand firm on this one. The best that I can do is to admit to a learning experience and take from it what I can use in my future on a positive note. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:03:01 AM | Karma shmarma. I guess Jesus Christ was really a pretty crappy human having to repay it and all. Sucks to be him. If a chick is still learning, she's too young for me. As for morals, it's like math... you either have it or you don't. No amount of learning will help you
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I think it was this guy's attitude that prevented women from having orgasms.
Thanks to all who replied, any PARTICULAR things you did wrong? It doesn't do any good to say "yes, part of it was my fault" if you don't "admit to yourself, to God, and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs". Use any God you want. but the other human being should be living, and you only have to do it once!
(((And NO. I do not accept the issue that I made a bad choice so therein, lies my fault. Doesn't wash with me at all. Sorry but a lot of what has been said here is pure hogwash in my mind. So? Having said that ....anyone want a date?)))
Thanks for the warning Gees, who'd want to date a woman like that! Besides you're too far away and I don't have a passport. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:10:09 AM | | The common denominator with people who have had multiple failed relationship and marriages is always the person in the mirror. Of course, that little inconvenient truth is never recognized, but it is the truth none the less. That is why I love hearing people blaiming their ongoing failure on attracting the wrong type of guy/woman lol! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:43:20 AM | @Olyman? I said that in gest. And that most "definately" was not directed at you! Get over yourself....
OT: We are each and every one of us entitled to our thoughts based on our experiences. Until you have lived another's personal life, you are only assuming. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:29:59 AM | who cares who fault it is its done.
You should care.... if you want to continue emotional growth....not only do I take responsibility for my part and learn from it......I also realize it's not over in my daily life.
If I have a thought or feeling that is not becoming to who I want to be, I pay attention to where it came from...my past? my defenses? my selfishness?
If it did not feel good...I don't want to carry it with me.
Trick is not to kick yourself for who you were.......who are you now?
Great topic! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:55:09 AM | @Olyman? I said that in gest. And that most "definately" was not directed at you! Get over yourself....
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Get overymyself?! How can you say that? Don't you know I'm sensitive? There must be another guy somewhere, huh? That's what I thought. Typical stereotyped woman. You should admit this is all your fault. If you can't admit it, I feel sorry for all the guys in the UK and England too, all of em. It's no wonder a good man nowadays can't keep a woman anymore, if they all have attitudes and want my big fat wallet. At least I can go watch American Idol over here in the States. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:20:25 PM | | My Divorce was 80 / 20, 80% my fault and 20% her's. Funny thing is that my ex is the one that ended up cheating but I know in my heart that I drove her to do it with all my silly crap. | |
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msflis
| | Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 186 | |
| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:34:18 PM | This thread brings to mind a great book I read a while back, titled Mistakes Were Made...but Not by ME, all about cognitive dissonance and why it seems so hard for so many people to admit they were wrong. Among all these posts I see the flip side, too, of people claiming it was all their fault (some jokingly, some seriously). Just as egocentric in its own way, isn't it? You can get entrenched in your belief that it went only one way and ignore the perspective that sometimes comes with time and shows you that hmmm, perhaps you were a bit of an ass...or you can use that realization for resolve to do better.
Considering how many people there are in the world, all different, and how unlikely it is that any relationship remains static rather than ever-changing, I see diagnosis of fault as needing to be a continuum. Sometimes it is indeed all your fault; sometimes it's the other person's. Most times it falls somewhere between those two extremes.
So: I admit it, it was all my fault. And it was all his fault. And it was both our faults. And it was nobody's fault; we just weren't right for each other. In my life, they have all applied.
--Ms. Flis | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:58:45 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^ msflis I am going to go see if I can find that book, sounds good. Who is the author?
I am loving this thread. If I had to pick a guy from this thread alone to date it wouldn't be so hard just by the responses on here.
Learning is a lifetime thing, if you stop learning you stop growing!!! I think the only time I fail is when I fail to learn. And except for cases of severe abuse and childhood, everyone has some part in their life. And even in the cases of abuse - I can choose to stay for whatever reason or I can choose to escape, yes the choices can cause more abuse either way depending but they are still a choice.
Instances of my being at fault? Where no matter what, I felt I was right and he was wrong and I refused to consider his point of view. Times when my pride wouldn't allow me to say "Sorry", also when I just didn't care either way anymore and quit communicating altogether.
There were times when I was young and acted like an immature teenager, throwing fits to get my way. I was still very immature and it showed. And I certainly wasn't "AT FAULT" then I tell ya!!!!  | |
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msflis
| | Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 188 | |
| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:15:15 PM | It was a fascinating book, sweetjemgirl--had me thinking all the way through it: "Do I do that?" and "I know so many people who do that!" Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson are the authors--and it turns out the book title is also the website (without the ellipsis).
And yes, refusing to consider another's point of view is a biggie. Of course, sometimes you just don't want to view things from the inside of a butthole...
--Ms. Flis | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:39:20 PM | | Here's the bottom line for me. Fault finding is mostly a waste of time, placing blame doesn't really result in anything that useful. So what both people probably did things in hindsight that wasn't the best idea. Taking responsibility for your own actions and asking for forgiveness, that is what really does produce something useful. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:16:36 PM | If you ask the ex, then yes it was ALL ALWAYS my fault. More realistically, though, I accept half the blame. Did I make mistakes? Oh yah. Did she? Oh yah. Did we do things that were unhealthy for the relationship, because she did something that made me angry, because I did something that made her angry, because she did something that made me angry....etc. etc.? Oh yah. Since then the relationships that I've had have not progressed that far for various reasons, but all the breakups were amicable, and really there is no blame to distribute for those breakups.
Really, I try to look at every situation and determine whether or not it compromises something about me, that is worth more to me than the person. If the answer is yes, then I say adios! If not, then I try to come to a compromise that makes both parties happy. If there is no compromise then once again, adios.
Great topic OP. As far as things becoming more even because there are a few women outearning their husbands whenever the divorces happen, yah right. That will never happen. Seriously, women are given a pass on things that would send a man to jail indefinitely. If I were a woman, I would personally be insulted by it, just like I find it insulting now that Native Americans don't have to score as highly on the SAT to get into a good college. That isn't equality. To imply that I am less responsible and human because I am a Native American (or for the other people out there, a woman) is the worst kind of racism/sexism/whatever.
If I were a feminist I would be offended by the legal thumb on the scales of justice that women get, but since I am not, I will just never put myself in the position to be affected by it again. No, I'm not a "Marriage-Striker", because to be honest, I don't care for "movements". I just want to live my life and be happy, and I can see that in the good ol' USA it is very nearly impossible to do that, and be married. It makes me sad, because I wanted the cliche middle class dream of the wife and kids. At the same time, it makes me happy, because I can go see the world, and don't necessarily have to ever come back. It would be nice, to have someone to journey with though...*sigh*
DPR | |
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claral
| | Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 191 | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:54:35 PM | | can you just picture a profile, okay okay i was a wife beater, naricisistic personality, i gambled, antisocial personality disorder, but hey i am cute, take a chance on me?????????? | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:10:45 PM |
So: I admit it, it was all my fault. And it was all his fault. And it was both our faults. And it was nobody's fault; we just weren't right for each other. In my life, they have all applied.
Good posts Ms.Fils
Most of my failures were when I just couldn't get out of my own way. Defeated by fear, insecurity and pride.
Anyone else ever notice that sometimes the way you're living your life makes it at least look like you sat down, pen and paper in hand, and actually planned what to do and not do, say and not say in order to get exactly what it is you don't want in your life?
sheesh. And may I finally have this well and truly placed in my past. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:48:57 PM |
Anyone else ever notice that sometimes the way you're living your life makes it at least look like you sat down, pen and paper in hand, and actually planned what to do and not do, say and not say in order to get exactly what it is you don't want in your life?
Absolutely, but I'm done - truly done - with that kind of nonsense. That's why I've been alone so far since my divorce. I've been busy creating a whole new script for myself. And I'm getting it right this time.  | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:53:02 PM | Fault as in bad behavior that you knew was bad..or, fault as in...human error or frailty..with no evil intent?
I get hung up on motive..it's makes a big difference to me whether someone is intentionally hurtful..or just fallible and human.
I find it much easier to forgive...myself and others, when it isn't deliberate.
I find that in my marriage..I am hard pressed to see anything I did that hurt him. ( except asking for the divorce). I can, however, list all kinds of things that were stupid , naive or too high of expectations. And I can see where my need to feel like he actually loved me, may have put some pressure on him he could never satisfy..
We are still good friends..and he thanked me for initiating the divorce eventually, and I believe that there I did do the right thing..and absolved us both. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:56:54 PM |
If a chick is still learning, she's too young for me.
To whomever said that: you might want to start dating a California redwood, then. I can't think of a human being who's lived long enough to actually stop learning. I think it'd take a multitude of lifetimes before a person ever stopped learning. And that's the beauty of this whole exercise, and I think that was maybe the OP's intent all along. Of course it matters whose fault it was -- not so you can beat yourself up about it, but so that you can try to understand what you did wrong so as not to muck it up the next time around.
I do think it's highly amusing that several folks still don't accept any blame in any of their past relationships, with answers along the lines of "my fault for not seeing what a jerk he was," or "my fault for ever agreeing to marry him in the first place..." Except in the most extreme of cases, I'd say it's safe to say that there is always, always something both parties could have done better. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/7/2008 5:01:16 PM | If a chick is still learning, she's too young for me.
The last time I went for a chick, the rooster pecked at my heels. He reminded me that it was my fault for crossing boundaries. A good lesson learnt. Hopefully I won't revert to that perversity.
Now onto the trees and swinging on their branches, hopefully I won't fall...
To whomever said that: you might want to start dating a California redwood, then. I can't think of a human being who's lived long enough to actually stop learning. I think it'd take a multitude of lifetimes before a person ever stopped learning. And that's the beauty of this whole exercise, and I think that was maybe the OP's intent all along. Of course it matters whose fault it was -- not so you can beat yourself up about it, but so that you can try to understand what you did wrong so as not to muck it up the next time around.
Never stop learning about yourself. See --> yourself in the mirror, --> others as they see you, --> others as you see them and --> how the way you see others is a reflection of yourself.
If we truly can do this,
then we will only begin to see our character flaws. READ ~ FAULTS
As many faults,
As I have,
And tried to correct,
Many return to haunt me.
Chicks and Trees Only. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 2:18:32 PM | marahnna -
It is amusing to read the "my fault I picked a jerk/b@@@h" type posts isn't it? Kind of like a soap opera, few months/years down the road -different partner/ex but same poor me story. That's what happens when we don't look at our part in a situation and blame the other for all the problems, when we think we are too old to learn anything and know it all. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:26:06 PM | OP: I disagree. There have been many times I have pointed out on the forums, and in real life that I am a REALLY stupid jerk! I had the perfect woman who loved me for just being me -- but was that enough for me? NOOOOOOOOOO, I had to think that things were greener on the other side of the fence (interesting note, I was walking down the street the other day -- and the grass WAS greener on the other side -- go figure).
But how do we ever learn if we don't learn from our mistakes -- right? Right? Someone please tell me I am right! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:33:26 PM | OP: I disagree. There have been many times I have pointed out on the forums, and in real life that I am a REALLY stupid jerk! I had the perfect woman who loved me for just being me -- but was that enough for me? NOOOOOOOOOO, I had to think that things were greener on the other side of the fence (interesting note, I was walking down the street the other day -- and the grass WAS greener on the other side -- go figure).
But how do we ever learn if we don't learn from our mistakes -- right? Right? Someone please tell me I am right!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Baldy - YOU ARE RIGHT!! OK? 
Feel better now honey? | |
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