| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:33:26 PM | OP: I disagree. There have been many times I have pointed out on the forums, and in real life that I am a REALLY stupid jerk! I had the perfect woman who loved me for just being me -- but was that enough for me? NOOOOOOOOOO, I had to think that things were greener on the other side of the fence (interesting note, I was walking down the street the other day -- and the grass WAS greener on the other side -- go figure).
But how do we ever learn if we don't learn from our mistakes -- right? Right? Someone please tell me I am right!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Baldy - YOU ARE RIGHT!! OK? 
Feel better now honey? | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:38:46 PM | It came as a shock to me sometime in the past that the common link in all of my failed relationships was me.
So somewhere along the way, whether it was in selection, expectation, or behavior, I was responsible for the failure of that relationship.
And I probably screwed up more than my share of them.
There ya go. Enjoy me owning my mistakes. The upside is that they're the one thing I can own that no one will even attempt to take away from me.
I mean, who else wants to admit that they...uh...ya know what? I don't either. That wasn't me. That was someone else entirely who found himself in the emergency room at 7 pm on a Friday.
Nope, nope, nope. Not me a-tall.
But the relationship stuff? Yeah. That was me. Sorry.
S | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:04:26 PM |
Baldy - YOU ARE RIGHT!! OK?
Feel better now honey?
Thank you! It's just as I tell my kids every night at bedtime ... there are 3 rules in MY world 1. I am always right. 2. If I ever wrong refer to rule #1. #3. If at any time you can prove me to be wrong -- I will have to kill you!
So, how many years of therapy do you think my kids are gonna need? | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:26:13 PM | Thank you, Indigo for giving me a chance to get this off my chest. We have mutual friends and he lives in the same province, but I've managed to keep my distance from him since we broke up 13 years ago (unless you count the one time we met up very briefly at our high school reunion, and somehow managed to stay civil). Here goes..................................
Being young and naiive, it was my fault for allowing him to pull me into the drug scene. It was my fault for allowing his friends to disrespect me. It was my fault for having poor anger management skills. It was my fault for not being strong enough to leave a relationship that was all wrong for me. It was my fault to having such a weak sense of self to begin with, that I allowed him to wipe out what little was there........ Have I learned from this? Yes, thank God I have. It took me a long time, but I am no longer bitter. I see my part in that fiasco. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:28:56 PM | [Is it EVER your fault?]
About half the time it is my fault. The other 98% of the time it's her fault!
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.all.
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Joined: 9/29/2007
Msg: 206 | |
| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:35:24 PM | | im willing to admit ive ruined a few relationships. people probably talk about the ones where the other person hurt them because they are alot harder to forget. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:05:39 AM | | IMO when relationships fail, end, dissolve, explode, it's not about fault. It's about personality, compatibility, and behavior that is not acceptable or lacking. Fault tends to imply a value judgment (IMO). Not to mention the implication that there is a golden prize (a relationship/love) that could have been won (externally, and one sided). As though one person was simply a faulty cog interfering with another persons happiness. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:37:54 AM | My fault?..........................................it's always my fault!
It's never just one-half my fault..............I am the absolute worst..................references furnished upon request!  | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:55:53 AM | "...when relationships fail, end, dissolve, explode, it's not about fault. It's about personality, compatibility, and behavior that is not acceptable or lacking."
^^^^^^You are soooo right, Gnuru! I couldn't have said this better myself. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:07:20 AM |
"...when relationships fail, end, dissolve, explode, it's not about fault. It's about personality, compatibility, and behavior that is not acceptable or lacking."
^^I think that nicely sums up what it is all about and what I was trying to convey but wasn't able to! Thanks for that. Sure, I have taken my personal experience and have learned from it, God willing, never to repeat that scenario again. Not an angry person about it at all either. But to call it fault? I struggled with that as I didn't think that was what exactly what this is all about. The above post clearly and precisely put it in a manner more acceptable. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:18:32 AM | I admit it the last relationship I was in ended because of my own foolishness. I regret it now and it's too late to try to fix it. It was totally my bad. I guess I was expecting love to be something different . One thing as a woman you have to accept is that you don't have the choices anymore that you had when you were younger.
Maybe it wasn't passionate or head over heels love , but it was still good . I just got greedy and wanted all of the bells and whistles. Settling is something you have to do whether you like it or not. Women my age and older are no longer the target group. So when you find a good guy , hold on. That's what I have learned. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:30:21 AM | EVERTHING I say, think, react, over-react, write, do, feel, believe is MY RESPONSIBILITY - so if you are using the word 'fault' - really, technically, everything in my life and me is my fault.
And thankfully it is mine because that means I am responsible for changing it - changing those parts of me that have resulted in aspects of my life that I thought made me and others unhappy.
Truth for me is those things that one feels might have been 'mistakes' or 'wrong decisions' or 'wrong actions' - they are some of the greatest treasures of my life because they taught me SO MUCH - they taught me about taking responsibility - for me.
And, really, in my mind, it is the only way to be - taking real responsibility for all I do, all I create, my part that always is directly related to what happens 'to' me......and how I treat others.
It is the only way to be, for me, because it means I am free - to change, to improve, to try and be the best person I can be - and had I not done those things I am ashamed of, I think major life lessons I needed to learn would not have happened.
And so I live, gratefully, all of my life with having to be taught and learn humility and empathy. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:36:01 AM |
"...when relationships fail, end, dissolve, explode, it's not about fault. It's about personality, compatibility, and behavior that is not acceptable or lacking."
While I find this true (it would have made a hella long thread title) I do wonder at something else it smacks of...
We all have faults, flaws and foibles. Our faults often are what drives some behaviour, even personality traits and can impair compatibility.
So, are you looking at this in the sense of "no one is to blame" or "let's not waste time finding blame?" because that I most certainly agree with.
But some might use this to turn a blind eye to their own faults and lose the opportunity for personal insight and growth. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:43:58 AM | | does it matter whos fault it is? learn from your mistakes and try to not make them to many times at one time in life it was 3 strikes and you gone. now some don't even get that one chance, mess up and your gone | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:09:15 PM | If ever we were presented with a true picture of perfection, we may fall on our faces, maybe in horror as all defence is stripped away. "Take it away!" it's too much for me to know and we return to our places which we previously held. One sparks a flame in another and we favor the spark before the flame. Which is more important, the house, or the foundation?
If I peer out into darkness with what do I light my way? With what experience do I form my guess as to what I see? We grope about in darkness making sense of it all somehow; and with what experience do I guess? Some guesses are better than others. It is the unchangeable nature of perception by which we grope, and guess is the best we'll ever do. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/10/2008 10:02:09 PM | I seen June and Ward Cleaver make it seem all so easy.....Donna Reed....hell even Lucy and Ricky ....how come it never seemed that easy for me?
Because they all slept in twin beds with a nightstand separating them! And of course it was all scripted. IE: not REAL life!
Is it possible that perhaps herin lies a huge portion of the entire problem....now I am not claiming to be rightous or better then any one elese but the "strike one he's out" statement just seemed to leap off the page
With age comes wisdom and jadedness. If they hit you once they will hit you again. If they cheat on you once they will cheat again. No second chances in my book, but then my dance card has always been filled.
So I suppose your disposable world theory holds water.
Ah ok .....I was aware it was all scripted ....not a complete fool...my point was that was what was projected to us as the all american way of life ....familes had great lifes...today all we see is 180 degress of that....everyone on all of the soaps , and most prime time shows are only out for whats in it for them ....
Now as to the my dance card has allways been filed ....if I read that right ....I have no doubt that it has not been.....not hard for a attractive woman to have men fall all over them....we as men are such visual ...stupid creatures after all....and as the cave man days of " ah ha there is good looking mate...tunk her on the head and drag her back to the cave to cook and bear children is gone....and dont take me wrong here , I am not advocating that it is allright for a man to hit you or cheat on you....and yes if allowed to get away with it once men and women will repeat that action...oh what the heck....where I was going with this is America as a whole is in deep shit....God...family and the entire concepts of Motherhood and Fatherhood has been replaced with anything goes now day....gays ...lesibians all have rights to marry each other...adopt kids....and if any one speaks up and says he guys that is not what the majority of the people here care for or heaven forbid that is not what the bible teaches we are denounced as nuts and told we are insensitive and not tolarant of others...I mean am I crazy here or is the Boy Scouts of America got it right in not allowing a homosexual male to be a Den Father? | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/10/2008 10:36:04 PM | anything goes now day....gays ...lesibians all have rights to marry each other.. And why shouldn't they be allowed to get married and be just as miserable as the rest of us?
I see what you are getting at...At one time most people were held responsible by their little community's.(not the wild bunch of dirty bikers they got away*sigh*)
If little Johnny threw a rock and broke a window... his parents heard about it long before he got home...(party line) the Dad beat his ass and made him apologize and work to pay for the new window.
People stayed together because of their faith and also gasp what would the neighbors think? People went to church... they ALL ate dinner together.A dinner that Mom made with her own two hands ...she rung the neck of the chicken plucked it clean all the while wearing high heeled pumps and pearls. Men were the head of the household damn it! And Women stayed home and ran up the new gingham kitchen curtains.
You know what I think? This is all those nazifems fault. And maybe Family Affair, My Three Sons, The Courtship of Eddies Father, BONANZA had something to do with it also...they didn't need no stinking women..... no sirree! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:37:48 AM | For the sake of making a point . . . I will say it is allllllllllllllllll my fault . . . and lets say I fess up . . . and I jump through all the hurdles to prove my intention that I do want to make the relationship work. . . then he HAS TO HAVE THE DESIRE to work it out . . . but he does not . . . . sooooooooo now it is allllllllllllllll my fault?
Now I am not saying to bash . . . or make the other person look bad . . . or cry “victim” . . . and yes we have toooooooooooooo many individuals who DO NOT take responsibility for their role in the relationship . . . these are the individuals that I call “Pity Me” . . . ooooospsie . . . “PITIFUL me” . . . (Hey I’m entitle to my own thoughts!).
Occasionally when asked what happened . . . I will say, “My ex is an Oreo Cookie . . . I love those cookies . . . but I can’t have them for I’m allergic to sugar..”
Now the way I explained it to my children back then . . . ”We live in a jungle . . . and in the jungle there are all sorts of animals . . . and monkeys hangout with monkeys. . . elephants hangout with elephants . . . zebras hangout with zebras . . .mice hangout with mice . . . they cannot mix . . . then once in a great while we have an odd ball that forgets what he and she is . . . and they try to hangout . . . like your Daddy and me . . . let’s say your Dad was an elephant and was the mouse . . . no matter how careful they are . . . someone is going to get hurt . . . it does not mean they never loved each other . . . it just means that they were never meant to be. . . . no wrong . . . no right . . .
The point is . . . we all seem to be condition for “RIGHT” or “WRONG” . . . but in reality the RELATIONSHIP FAILED . . .
IMO it is soooooooo much more meaning to hear someone say (and share an example) they learned something from their experience . . . then just say it was my fault.
JMO
~Myth~ | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:32:03 PM |
A dinner that Mom made with her own two hands ...she rung the neck of the chicken plucked it clean all the while wearing high heeled pumps and pearls.
Yup, them were the good ol' days, sweetums.
Now the women insist the MEN wear the fancy schmancy shoes and pearls when they send those men out to kill the churkin. Then, he's gotta shove the broom up his pooper so he can sweep the floor while he's cookin' an' preparin' that there birdie.
Then, there are those of us who just order from Swiss Chalet while wearing the high heels and pearls.
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:39:01 PM | For me , I have to admit that , I taught that person how to treat me , so yes in most cases it is my own fault -- and that is hard to admit , though it is true -- Good question ---  | |
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