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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:05:14 AM | No Dude,
You did the wrong thing. The RIGHT thing to do would have been to take her along. Once you get to some far off port tie her to the anchor chain and let her go over. That way you would be saving the rest of us single guys from her.
Us single guys have to stick together , ya know. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:12:05 AM | [color=indigo]there are so many ways to ridoneself of problematic othergenders----and there is always the addage that another bus will be by in 10 mins---is true---but the fact someone feels that close to another in the small time of 3 months---ouchies.....too much expense for so soon in the entanglement....congratulations, sir--imhope you find a really and truly decent felame for you--not just another lame one....good luck---you did the proper thing---family is always first---then others---until the time the others are family then it is on.......[/color] | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:13:38 AM | DUDE...
you only new her 3 months...
you messed up calling her your g-friend after such a short time.
Would your people have freaked if you wanted to take her instead of your bro?
if your brother couldnt go, would it have been ok with your fam if you took her?
Why didnt your bro say...no man, take your girl?
Remember...She thought she was your girl...
I hope you had fun on your trip! cuz you fell a long way. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:23:04 AM | | Rest at ease - you may have lost what "seemed" like a wonderful woman, but if she was denying you sex as her way of controlling your actions then you are better off without her. She just showed you what you can expect in the future... a sexless relationship filled with drama and you spending tons of money trying to make her happy. That isn't a relationship - that is a dictatorship. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:26:49 AM | Well, OP, I think you know your ex-girlfriend's behavior (the verbally bashing your family, demanding you include her in the family trip, and demanding that you pay for her inclusion) was indefensible. So yes, you were right to end the relationship.
Two things I notice: first, you'll notice that I didn't mention the sex part. Here's why. I think Kyn is probably right on this, but I'll demur and say that in the very least, as outsiders we just don't have enough information and details to know if in fact your girlfriend was withholding sex just to be a biatch (though it does seem to be indicated by your last post, since she may have been trying to take an early "revenge" for your expected absence... though I have to wonder if what she said was said in the heat of argument or in jest... depends on her character and personality, for sure). In my experience, most people who are arguing in a relationship, or engaging in some sort of on-going dispute/conflict/etc. are not eager to "make love" or "hit it" (either one, as they certainly aren't the same act).
So.... The thing that I noticed, related to the sex thing, is that your reaction to your girlfriend withholding sex briefly (after all, she's just your girlfriend, and not your wife, so technically she doesn't have a "duty" to meet your sexual needs) was likely at least linked to if not directly proportional to the pain and anguish you experienced in your relationship with your ex-wife. When someone new exhibits a behavior at all related to how someone in our past (who caused us pain, for whatever reason) behaved, we tend to pay attention... our radar goes off, so to speak, and we may react based on that past hurt as much as the present behavior. Radar exists as a warning system, and that's true of intuition, too, so that reaction on your part is not necessarily a bad thing. But just be aware that your own actions likely stem from deeper places and emotions than just the present set of circumstances.
O.k. Second thing I noticed, or wondered about, and which no one has asked or pointed out is this: While I was reading about how irrationally your girlfriend reacted to your plan to go on an expensive "family only" cruise with your family of origin, I began thinking about what might have triggered her irrationality. Certainly, what Rune said is correct... sooner or later people begin to show their true colors, stripes, cracks, you get the idea. And your girlfriend's behavior is possibly strong evidence of her being irrational, unreasonable, immature, etc. (as Rune said, the list goes on).
But, during the 3 months that things were "going great" (I'm sitting here wondering) what, exactly, was the nature of your relationship, and what exactly you two were communicating about? Were you talking about plans for a future together, even if you hadn't actually said, "will you spend your life with me?" Were you, personally, making declarations of love, making statements regarding the future that obviously included her" Were you saying things like "where have you been all my life?" These are just examples, and there are many others I could enumerate, but I think you get the idea.
Bottom line, did she have reason to believe that you considered her an important part of your current life and future? Were you guys essentially living together (many nights together, ongoing planning of schedules, meals, etc.), if not in fact, then in spirit?
There are many things that can cause a person to react irrationally, emotionally, illogically. One could be that they are in fact an unreasonable, irrational person. Another could be that a person is faced with a situation (i.e. your decision to spend a good deal of money to go on a cruise with your family, and include your brother out of the goodness of your heart, thereby excluding any chance for your gf to be that 2nd in the "double occupancy") that does not fit their understanding of the situation (i.e. we are beginning to feel love for each other and are seriously contemplating a future together).
Before all of you get your knickers in a twist, I'm just trying to offer another perspective on the dynamics of the situation. I think it's very telling, OP, that you came seeking validation. That tells me you have doubt, and therefore the situation may not shake out as clearly, in reality, as the bare facts belie. Forgive me if I'm wrong, and feel free to just completely ignore this perspective. But if you had to ask if you were right to end a relationship with an irrational, immature, totally selfish and manipulative PERSON, then I think you might need to ask yourself if your ex-gf's reactions were truly unreasonable. Only you can know this, given your insider knowledge of you, your ex-gf, the conversations you had about this, etc.
I wish you luck, and lots of happy memories with your family on your cruise. No matter what the deeper dynamics of your situation were, I can tell you that genuinely caring, communicative partner would have handled the situation differently than your ex-gf did, no matter what had transpired between you before the situation arose. Chalk this one up to experience, and move on. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:12:32 AM | You said your sisters husbands are going? So, if she meant anything to you, you would have invited her. If you and her hit it off good as you say it did. It doesn't matter how long you have been togther or if she is not your wife. If it's just a family cruise then why are the husbands of the sister's going? How long have each one of them been married? The husbands are not of blood.
Although, her saying negative things about your family is not right. I can understand her withholding sex from you is she was angry. I wouldn't give my partner sex if I was mad at him. But if she was using sex as a bargaining tool, than yes it is wrong.
If you really liked her, you could have compromised with her instead of dumping her. But if you didn't really like her, then you found your perfect excuse to dump her.
My partner would have found a way for me to go or he would not go at all. Not because I told him he couldn't go. It would be because that is how he feels about me. JMO | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:23:34 AM | | She had it pictured in her mind that she and your three sisters could get to know each other. She was hoping that you were "really into her" for a future that would include her as a permanent fixture in the picture. She was hoping that this could be a beginning for you both. Now, she knows the truth about how you feel about her. Just using her for sex... oh well, now she knows the truth! What better way to let her know that you are not engaged, and she has been TOO GOOD FOR HER OWN GOOD, with you, she has been putting out WAY TOO MUCH. So, this has to stop. She should be dating others now, in hopes that she can find Mr. Right. I hope you have a wonderful time with your brother. Take a lot of family photos. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:33:42 AM |
She had it pictured in her mind that she and your three sisters could get to know each other.
Uh... no. I have a huge family, and my sisters have kids and many of their kids have kids. Nearly every weekend, there are holidays or someone's birthday. I try to attend all family gatherings.
My ex-gf never had any desire to go to any of them, and I would go to them alone. Which is fine, I don't expect her to go. But the fact is, you are wrong about her. She has no interest in my family. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:34:04 AM |
You said your sisters husbands are going? So, if she meant anything to you, you would have invited her. If you and her hit it off good as you say it did. It doesn't matter how long you have been togther or if she is not your wife. If it's just a family cruise then why are the husbands of the sister's going? How long have each one of them been married? The husbands are not of blood.
Chatterbug32:
I knew SOMEONE would have brought that up. Let me clue you in on something.
Married is a lot different than girlfriend!!! Especially if girlfriend is only 3 MONTHS.
If you really liked her, you could have compromised with her instead of dumping her. But if you didn't really like her, then you found your perfect excuse to dump her.
Yeah, the compromise was pay for my ticket. Pony up the 3200. You've known me 3 months so cough it up and give me a 7 day cruise. Ain't that what credit cards are for?
My partner would have found a way for me to go or he would not go at all. Not because I told him he couldn't go. It would be because that is how he feels about me.
Yeah, I'm betting after just dating you for 3 months, he'd bow out of a family cruise or better yet go in debt 3200 dollars to give you a 7 day vacation. And you'd gladly accept it with a smile on your face.
un-freaking real  | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:41:10 AM | You said your sisters husbands are going? So, if she meant anything to you, you would have invited her. If you and her hit it off good as you say it did. It doesn't matter how long you have been togther or if she is not your wife. If it's just a family cruise then why are the husbands of the sister's going? How long have each one of them been married? The husbands are not of blood.
Chatterbug32:
I knew SOMEONE would have brought that up. Let me clue you in on something.
Married is a lot different than girlfriend!!! Especially if girlfriend is only 3 MONTHS.
I'm sorry, but you are wrong. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Feelings are no different if you are married or not.
If you really liked her, you could have compromised with her instead of dumping her. But if you didn't really like her, then you found your perfect excuse to dump her.
Yeah, the compromise was pay for my ticket. Pony up the 3200. You've known me 3 months so cough it up and give me a 7 day cruise. Ain't that what credit cards are for?
So what. At least they would have been together.
My partner would have found a way for me to go or he would not go at all. Not because I told him he couldn't go. It would be because that is how he feels about me.
Yeah, I'm betting after just dating you for 3 months, he'd bow out of a family cruise or better yet go in debt 3200 dollars to give you a 7 day vacation. And you'd gladly accept it with a smile on your face.
un-freaking real
Hell yeah I'm freakin real. We've been together 15 years sir and he has never gone anywhere that I haven't or he hasn't. Until you know the details of my relationship keep your opinions off of it. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:46:52 AM |
She had it pictured in her mind that she and your three sisters could get to know each other. She was hoping that you were "really into her" for a future that would include her as a permanent fixture in the picture. She was hoping that this could be a beginning for you both.
Sweet! Let's get the chance to know and love your family as long as it's an expensive cruise on your dime!
Now, she knows the truth about how you feel about her. Just using her for sex... oh well, now she knows the truth! What better way to let her know that you are not engaged, and she has been TOO GOOD FOR HER OWN GOOD, with you, she has been putting out WAY TOO MUCH.
Are you freaking kidding me!!!! You got all that from 3 months of dating?
You want him to be thinking about being engaged after just dating 3 months!!!
She should be dating others now, in hopes that she can find Mr. Right.
You left out "...And be engaged in 3 months"
I hope you have a wonderful time with your brother. Take a lot of family photos.
Without that psycho in any of them!!  | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:01:45 AM | Hell yeah I'm freakin real. We've been together 15 years sir and he has never gone anywhere that I haven't or he hasn't. Until you know the details of my relationship keep your opinions off of it.
Sorry, I will say whatever I feel needs to be said. Especially since you think after dating for 3 months someone should spend 3200 (and go into debt) for a seven cruise for their girlfriend.
That in MY opinion is wrong.
Also, learn reading comprehension. I never said that was your relationship.
If your relationship after 3 months of dating was EXACTLY the scenario of the OP and your BF is willing to go into debt to give you a 7 day cruise, and its been working for 15 years, well you guys are one in a million, because 4 pages of input here is saying the same thing I am.
Me: Yeah, the compromise was pay for my ticket. Pony up the 3200. You've known me 3 months so cough it up and give me a 7 day cruise. Ain't that what credit cards are for?
You: So what. At least they would have been together.
Sums it all up really. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:03:14 AM | | I'm sorry to say, but some families are not always there. My family sure isn't. Not women and men always come and go. I've had a partner for 15 years. He's been there more than my family has. But in for some it seems to be like that where women and men come and go. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:06:48 AM | Sorry, I will say whatever I feel needs to be said. Especially since you think after dating for 3 months someone should spend 3200 (and go into debt) for a seven cruise for their girlfriend.
That in MY opinion is wrong.
Also, learn reading comprehension. I never said that was your relationship.
If your relationship after 3 months of dating was EXACTLY the scenario of the OP and your BF is willing to go into debt to give you a 7 day cruise, and its been working for 15 years, well you guys are one in a million, because 4 pages of input here is saying the same thing I am.
You are right, you can say what you want, but not about my relationship that you know nothing about. If that is what someone wants to do for another than yes. A person can spend that kind of money on someone if they want to. It's totally up to them. No matter how long they have been together. In his case he didn't want to. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:08:49 AM | chatterbug32: Or is it 33 now? All my sisters have been married 22 years or more. I get along very well with all my brother-in-laws.
My ex- gf didn't really care for my family all that much. She has met my mother once and hasn't even had an interest in meeting anyone else. It's one of the reasons I was so shocked when she was pissed off about not going. I mean if my family was going, I figured she would have no interest anyway!
If you have been happy in a relationship for so long, what the heck are you doing on POF? I mean sure... friends, forums, now... but nobody initially comes to this site for that.
I'm glad for you though. I mean you and your bf have been living together for fifteen years. It's nice to have a partner that's just as clingy, as christian, and as uncommitted as you...
Ps: Sorry... The only info I had for drawing the above conculsion was from what you yourself wrote in your own profile. I guess my problem was that I assumed you weren't lying. My bad. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:15:20 AM | Well, that would be shocking. But it wasn't stated.
My being on here is my business.
How do you know this about my partner? Have you spoken with him? How do you know this about me? Have we ever met in real life? Have we ever spoken before now?
You don't know nothing about me or my partner. Or our relationship. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:21:56 AM | | Yes other married, taken, etc. people are on here for some reason. There was a thread on it here the other week about takers and married people being on the site. Alot said something about liking the forums and having friends is why they are here. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:24:45 AM | Interesting someone would think that marriage is just a piece of paper, therefore husbands of sisters are not family and also should not have been invited to a family outing. Wow so mum and dad arent family because they are just married?
Unbelievable.
I think its really great that OP has this large family and you all get together for such outings, not enough of it these days. As one famous Bollywood Actress said to David Letterman regarding his comment of her still living with her parents "In India the children dont make appointments to have dinner with their parents". Love it.
Back to OP, I am surprised at your gf's behaviour, I would welcome and embrace your attitude of paying for your brother (unless he has a history of being a sponge) and if I wanted to really go and you were for the idea I would pay my own way. Then look forward to having some laughs with your family and also some private romantic times.
Regarding this witholding sex. Im with Kyn's on this one. I think that word 'witholding' gets thrown around alot but man if Im pissed at you dont you go touching me. Nothing to do with control or being spiteful, just simply "I dont like you right now". | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:33:08 AM | | How is having a piece of paper say what your feelings are for someone? All that paper tells you is your commintment to one another and your vowels to each other and god. Giving the woman her husbands last name. You don't have to get married just to have feelings for someone. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:42:56 AM | If she was willing to pay her own way and you still didnt want her to go..then I can see where she would be upset.
But after such a short relationship this woman has no right to ask you to foot the bill for her.
Then to deny you sex because you wont pay for her.......well dont they have names for women who only give sexual favors in exchange for money or gifts?
One the other hand though, You have to ask yourself...............if the shoe were on the other foot how would you react. Would you have a problem with her going on a family vacation and leaving you behind?
If not...........I think you did the right thing. This girl needs to grow up!
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:43:23 AM | chatterbug32 - in your situation of being with your partner for 15yrs I would consider you two family.
However, you were comparing a married partner to a 3 month relationship. You said why are the husbands of the sisters going then. Ummm because they are family. Because they have done the courting and decided to commit to a marriage to join each others families and because they paid to go. Unlike a short term gf who may or may not be around very long.
Why should OP go into debt over a maybe or maybe not? | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:57:23 AM |
You are right, you can say what you want, but not about my relationship that you know nothing about. If that is what someone wants to do for another than yes. A person can spend that kind of money on someone if they want to. It's totally up to them. No matter how long they have been together. In his case he didn't want to.
And the reason you gave for him not taking her wasn't something sensible and sane like maybe going in debt, but you claim he used this as an excuse for dumping her.
Kinda funny YOU can make that assumption about someone elses relationship.
He dumped her because she had grand delusions of entitlement.
I saw it, over 20 posters here saw it.
You found someone that is willing to spend tons of money on you. You are very lucky.
My family will has a huge get together during labor day week at atlantic city. Maybe after my next frontal lobotomy and if get a steady girlfriend RIGHT NOW, I'll spring a few grand for her to fly trans-atlantic to hang out with me.
Obviously, you and I will disagree, because the core being of my soul tells me that NO ONE should go into debt to pay for someone's vacation if they only known that person a brief amount of time. Three months is not a permanent relationship. It's known as "the honeymoon period." Things don't begain to get realistic until about the 6-8 months period.
And the fact that a 3 month gf suggested that he choose between her or his brother.
That alone speaks for itself. | |
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| She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her.
Posted: 6/30/2008 11:02:15 AM | chatterbug32 - in your situation of being with your partner for 15yrs I would consider you two family.
However, you were comparing a married partner to a 3 month relationship. You said why are the husbands of the sisters going then. Ummm because they are family. Because they have done the courting and decided to commit to a marriage to join each others families and because they paid to go. Unlike a short term gf who may or may not be around very long.
Why should OP go into debt over a maybe or maybe not?
I still stick by my story. It does not matter how long you have been in a relationship to decide if you want to spend money on someone rather they stick around or not. My partner brought me a expensive ring after seeing one another a couple of months. That is not no where near the amount of time they have been together.
There is no telling how long those sisters marriages will last. They spent money to go. | |
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