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Posted: 6/29/2008 11:28:19 AM | | He'll call you when he's horny and no options | |
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Posted: 6/30/2008 6:38:02 PM | | I think you REALLY jumped the gun here. Things change, who knows what could have happened? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2008 8:18:53 PM | I really did. He did call and we had dinner on Saturday. No physical intimacy beyond his arm around my shoulders as we walked. We had a good time. Easy conversation and laughs. He seems to be a great guy. I asked if he'd like me to stay over to just sleep and he declined, which I took as his signal to slow things down and do them right.
Just thought I'd let y'all know. He hasn't called since our date on Saturday, so who knows. If nothing, I will always be grateful for this experience as it helped me realize that I would love to raise children - if the right person and situation came along.
Tradin (OP) | |
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Posted: 7/3/2008 8:25:23 AM |
While your stated desire not to have kids unless you know you can raise them 100% on your own is laudable, the fact of the matter is the father will be involved one way or another. Also at your age the clock starts to tick a bit louder.
It only ticks if you decide you want children, and sorry - but no woman should consider a child unless she's prepared to take care of them 100% on her own; you just can't predict what will happen once a child is born, and children are too important to "wing it" with.
I also know many situations where fathers are not involved at in any way with their children (outside of the initial creation), and you can't be sure before you have em what guys'll do this, so I commend her for being realistic about it and making sure it's something she can do alone before getting into it. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 9:28:30 AM |
It only ticks if you decide you want children, and sorry - but no woman should consider a child unless she's prepared to take care of them 100% on her own; you just can't predict what will happen once a child is born, and children are too important to "wing it" with.
I wouldn't consider marriage winging it, but this attitude above ^^^ is yet more reason for bitterness in men. Yah, no woman should consider having kids unless she's willing to raise them on her own. Amazing. The raw hatred of men dripping through those words is enough to scare men away from ten miles distance. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 9:51:28 AM | ^^^What can I say - women are the ones who end up carrying and taking care of the kids alone anyway if the fathers decide they don't want to be involved, whether you're married or not. Not a whole lot ties a man to a child if they are determined not to be involved.
I come from a generation where a LOT of dads walked away because they could, and I watched a lot of women struggling to take care of a child they thought they'd have help with (including my mother). It affects the child most of all, and sorry but the child is the most important thing to consider if you're planning on having any. So if you can't do it alone if you need to, then it's better not to go there). My main point is not to have a child offhandedly - it's a BIG job and something not to take lightly.
You can't control what a father does - doesn't mean he will bail but you have to prepare yourself in the event that it happens that it will be seamless and your child won't suffer an upbringing because of it. A large reason I don't want kids is that I don't want the responsibility alone, and because I don't want to torture an innocent child just to fulfill my own dreams (or because I was too stupid to prevent pregnancy). Some of it has to do with vanity as well, but I digress.
It's not hatred of men at all, it's being well prepared. And it's a step up call for women - when you have a child as a woman, it's not about you anymore - and trust me, I have seen mothers have kids that were unfit as well. But if so many more men hadn't shirked responsibility (and yes women getting pregnant by men like this is a factor) in past years then there'd be no historical facts to fear repeating. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 3:08:02 PM | Never say never. You really don't know what you might want or not want in the future. All you can say for sure (maybe) is what you want or don't want now.
Be honest about the way you feel now but don't make predictions about an uncertain future - very rarely do we end up living our lives the way we think we will.
Live now!  | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 4:43:51 PM | He wants to have kids 'someday' (not any time soon) and I don't want to have kids (I don't think). Should that have been a dealbreaker? Or could we have had a nice relationship - for at least a little while? Who knows? Was I an "idiot" for walking away from a nice guy and potential for a loving relationship?
Yes that should have been a dealbreaker if you are both sure that's what you truly want. No sense in getting emotionally involved and wasting each other's time if you're not on the same page regarding such a major issue. I know I definitely want children--it's non-negotiable. If someone is "on the fence" about it, it's already a dealbreaker for me. Even though the possibility is there they might decide to have them, I'm not going to get involved with someone who is wishy-washy about something that important to me. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 7:02:35 PM | | hmmmm deal breakers rules to dating pics to look at profiles to read see if we are a match what are you people doing buying a car shopping for a new frig. what ever happen to meeting some one and enjoying each other. I'm sure if you to were a good match as you say love and GOD would take over and things would work out for the best. Oh i don't know may be I'm just old fashion ha and I'm not even that old | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 9:03:02 PM | tradingaces,
I read in a book somewhere not even sure what book ..
but men (unknowingly) place women in 2 different categories ....
fun time girl or potential mate
once we are in these categories then its almost impossible to change category, so we as women have to really be careful how we present ourselves and how we behave on a 1st date, maybe sleeping with him was not such a great idea (in hindsite), but we all experience sexual frustration.. so dont beat yourself up over this !
Mark this one up to a life experince !!!,
keep fishing  ...
dont let this stop you!!! feel good about yourself !!! LIFE is GOOD !!! | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 10:55:22 PM | I hope that you don't mind if I weigh in here, being a newb to this forum, but not new to the situation.
I can relate to him. It's not that he's against it at all. he says in time. Why? because if he chooses a mate, he wants to build that relationship first before children come into the equation. The importance in any relationship MUST be between the partners. And though it seems wrong sometimes, the children come second. The partners are the providers, lovers, and examples, and MUST have a deep and personal bond. Brining in children too early, ad the tension to start that family could be detrimental to that relationship.
Now I would think that the relationship would grow quickly and deeply if you DO connect, and you would probably be able to move toward the family thing much sooner than you would expect. But if that is your focus, rather than the relationship,... it's an unreasonable thing to build that foundational relationship on. You have plenty of time so don't be in such a hurry. Concentrate on the relationship and your mate. The rest will fall in place naturally.
I would guess he can't verbalize what he's feeling, but I would also venture to guess that's why he feels that way. Its very "adult", and logical. If you let it get in your way because you have "rules" you may very well be letting that perfect soulmate go. BTW, that's what nearly everyone on here is looking for... the perfect one. Sometimes you have to put aside the rules and be flexible enough to realize his unspoken reasons for waiting a little while. So....go for it. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2008 4:03:23 PM | | if you go into this thinking you are going to change his mind, you are in for a big hurt one day. if you decide to go with it, just go with an open mind and say whatever happens, happens. he already stated what he does not want...read into that before you take that step | |
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Posted: 7/8/2008 2:59:50 AM | Ok, i'm just going to jump in here to say a few things.
Firstly....I would never ever have a conversation about having children on a first date. I mean, aren't you supposed to get to know each other before you start discussing such matters? Dates are meant to be fun, not spent talking about the future with some guy you've had only a few emails and phonecalls and one date with!
Secondly....feelings change! In 2 years time, who knows, you could be brooding heavily for a baby...you just dont feel like that right now...so i wouldnt have called it a dealbreaker......this could something you may never find again!
This is a very interesting thread and I would love to hear the 'story so far'.......i love a happy ending!! | |
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Posted: 7/8/2008 7:58:44 AM | | I had a relationship, on and off, from 1997 to '99 with a girl who had four children. I loved her kids, three girls and a boy, and really got to know them well. The reason we were on and off and ended up in the off position was because I wanted at least one child of my own and she could not have any more, complete hysterectomy after her fourth. She was a great mom and loved children, has adopted three more since then, but could not have one with me. We are still good friends to this day. If this guy is pretty sure he wants children someday and you are pretty sure you won't, then I'd say do not get with him in the short term. There are alot of guys in their 30s who know they don't want children, and this guy can't be the only decent one up there, how many single, straight guys are in the NYC area anyway, 2 million? Have a great week! | |
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Posted: 7/8/2008 8:10:50 AM | | Im lost....Is he interested or not? If he is and you are now saying you may want kids then why not go for it? | |
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Posted: 7/8/2008 11:07:15 AM | | why not just go with the flow and enjoy the moment. Does every dating experience have to be based on the future long term potential for something serious? Just keep it in perspective. If you are the type of person that can't keep it in perspective, then you are doing the right thing to move on. | |
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