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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:50:02 AM |
always vent in some way, email, text, in person. To hell with the other person, I'm the one who has to lay in bed at night and let it eat at me
Even if someone is the person who ends up breaking it off, it doesn't mean that ending a two year relationship is easy for them. It will be hard for the other person no matter what. Maybe the other person is lying in bed at night hurting too. Just vent to other friends (or forums, or write a letters that don't get sent - many people suggested this, and I've done this myself). For the person that wrote this, "to hell with the other person" is pretty selfish. Try to maintain your humanity even in times of duress | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:56:33 AM | Spax,
Until she is ready to discuss it with you, it won't do any good to confront her. You're dealing with the normal feelings that we all have in such situations, no matter how we were dumped. Most of all, you probably wanna' know what did you do wrong, so that you can change for the next time.
Well, first off, she might never be ready. And if you confront her before she is, she probably won't give you an honest, or at least not a complete answer, anyway. She might not even fully realize it herself, yet.
Even if you just vent your feelings, she might become defensive and respond with more negative feedback to only make you feel worse -- like criticizing your feelings as immature or self-centered, or giving specifics of how she thinks that you mistreated her or were inadequate for her. You really don't need to get that on top of what you already feel, especially if they are her misconceptions based on whatever issues she may have.
Secondly, every woman is different, and nobody should ever change for the one that got away. Whatever wasn't right for her, might be just exactly right for the next one. At least as long as it isn't something self-defeating, like drinking too much, poor personal hygene, financial irresponsibility...
You've been given a lot of good techniques for coming to terms with your feelings and dealing with them in productive ways, and I recommend that you try some. At least the ones that do NOT include actually contacting her. I've made that mistake, and it really wasn't worth it. Instead of bringing about closure and healing, it only reopened the wounds, and a couple of them were even cut deeper -- especially the ones that I couldn't do anything about. In one instance, it only boosted her ego, because she thought that I still wanted her back, even though I didn't.
Your best revenge will be to one day see her at a club, a store, on the street, and just not care. You may smile at each other, maybe even exchange pleasantries, and then you walk away, with a warm comfort that she can't hurt you anymore.
Actually, even better will be if she contacts you, and says that she feels she owes you an explanation, and you just say "No you don't." If that happens, one of two things:
- she has a guilty conscience and needs you to forgive her before she will forgive herself
- she has broken up with the other guy, and wants to see if she can get you back.
Maybe both.
In either case, you're better off being in a position of strength, over your anger and hurt, and on to a better place in life.
Take some time, enjoy your singleness for now, and know that there is better to come.
All my best. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:41:07 PM | This happened to me one time and I just moved on. When it happened I called her and told her off and then NEVER communicated with her again.
You let go by realizing that this person isn't worth it. Most people these days are into this,"I want the best person available bull crap", and you just have to move on.
Remember too, you chose this person that dumped you.
Anger clouds the mind and its only hurting you. I guarantee she doesnt' give a rip that she hurt you. Dont give her the satisfaction of thinking you were so into her that you are messed up by her. Move on and be happy. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:01:07 PM | Op, I recommend a wonderful book called "Rebuilding" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. There are also workshops called "Re-builders" in many cities throughout the US and Canada, and a lot of people have found them enormously helpful in getting through the pain and hurt of break-ups and moving on to feel whole again. There's no standard period for grieving the end of a relationship, but there do seem to be some very standard stages we all go through. There's not a lot of point in jumping into another relationship until we've gotten over the last one, that's just asking someone else to carry our baggage.
All the best to you.
Ms. C | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:19:28 PM | spax, message twelve. it sounds like you are anxiety prone before sleep. try some time released melatonin from the health food store or some herbal sleep remedy. don't have coffee at nite or any stimulant, or alcohol. if you can find a place to teach you yoga or meditation that will help with the anxiety. mine comes in the morning, when there is too much going on or i feel alone for some reason. just find different ways to relax and when you feel feeling, let them then drift away --don't hold onto them.
to the poster above who asked why tear up the letters. if writing a letter leads to something productive and enhancing, then by all means. but in the case of ANGER, most cognitive therapists and many spiritually minded disciplines say that it is best to let it go. if you let it go, bit by bit, it eventually dissipates. when you rev up and write the letter with just the feeling of anger, its' kind of like putting wood in a fire. it gets bigger, it does not necessarily douse. it's like you douse it by writing, but then you revive the person in your head by sending, waiting for a response, getting angrier about the response or lack of responce.
it depends upon situations. in this one, i'd say write and rid, write and rid. douse, do not rekindle.
as to the above person who said do not have "any" expectations. it sounds great. it's a good way to defend being alone, but you can be WITH the right person and NOT lonely. in a good relationship, there needs to be communication about expectations and changes in those expectations. i know that many times for different reasons, this is not doable. a person may be ill, the type to be in denial, a plane old lousy communicator, or just a person who does not care.
part of life's lessons are to learn about communication with others. this has always been my challenge and still is to this day. but you build more and more skills, which leads you in turn to communicating with more and more people. that enables you to meet the one, sooner or later. the one may not be a lifetime one, although we all hope for the best. but, if not, the one will lead you through whatever stages you need to learn with her. the stronger you are, the more likely you will find a keeper. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:42:48 PM | She knows she upset you, but she thought it would be easier to dump you for you. She thought it would be easier on you by doing it this way. Maybe if you think of it that way, you won't be so pissed. Turn things around so you can give yourself peace. Forgiveness comes from within. Hard to do! (Easy to type... ) If you forgive her, you free yourself from the pain and the time you are still giving her.
Good luck  | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:58:44 PM | OP you should tell her, but without her being there to hear it.
In reality you have no right to have a go at her like that, but in emotional terms you have the need. There are two techniques you can use.
Technique 1 is to write her a letter outlining everything you want to say. Really put your heart and soul into the letter. Give her what for. Re-write it if necessary until you get it just right. Plan on sending it the next day, put it in a drawer over night. Next day shred it and start again.
Do this until it no longer bothers you and everything you wanted to say is out of your system.
Technique 2 is my favourite. Three years after leaving my ex wife I found myself every Saturday getting into 2 hour arguments with her while I did my ironing and then at the end of it pointing out to myself she wasn't actually there. I got sick of it and decided it was time to let rip.
So I set up in my sitting room and I imagined her there and it was time to tell her how I felt. I told her and I told her and I imagined she was there while I did it and it took about 3 hours solid to really get it out of my system. I balled, and I (quietly) screamed.
The whole thing disappeared and has never returned.
Acknowledge it's there and get it out in a safe way. It's your business alone and nothing to do with your ex - but you've got to get it out or it'll muck up your future repeatedly until you do. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:02:59 PM | OP: Go to a good gym and punch a heavy bag. Then get a couple of friends and just vent over a couple of beers. There's no point in "confronting" your ex after all this time. Only a crazy person would do that after 9 months. If you didn't say what you wanted to say at the time, then it's probably best left unsaid (at least to her).
The thing which helps in situations like this is to remember that your ex is going to be the same shítty, deceiving, lying slutbag to future boyfriends as she was when you knew her. Not only that, but she will get some of the same deceptive treatment coming back to her. You may not be around to see it, OP, but it will happen.
Your best revenge is to take care of yourself and work on developing a great, new relationship with a new girl. Leave the past behind you and move forward to the future. There's a good chance that your ex may run into you while you're out with your new girlfriend and your ex will be looking like death warmed over. I've had that happen more than once. Whether that happens or not, your best move is to move on. Vent with friends and support figures if you must, but don't give the ex the satisfaction of getting back to her with your feelings. She's not worth it at this point. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:05:01 PM | I, personally, would just 'let it go'. It's not like she doesn't know that she hurt you, so obviously your feelings weren't all that important to her.
I find that the best thing for me, is to keep busy. it takes your mind off of it, even emailing people on POF or playing on the forums, (other than the anger inducing ones), helps. Eventually you'll get an email back from a real cutie to dream about and the thoughts about her will be less and less.
~DC~ | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:06:44 PM | Write down what you want to say...sometimes just getting your feelings down on paper helps. I was lied to and cheated on a few years ago. I wrote him several emails but didn't send them. It just felt good to get it all out. When I had gotten past the "angry" stage a couple of months later, I did send him an email to let him know that I knew the truth, that I had forgiven him and wished him well. I would never take him back but I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders by saying what I needed to; and it was so much easier to move on after that.
I don't know who authored this quote but I'll pass it on to you:
"Don't worry about people from your past. There's a good reason why they didn't make it into your future"
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:29:00 PM | The one way I tend to get over issues is with an age old bit of advice I recieved from my step-dad years ago,, it works wonderfully!
I write a handwritten letter expressing every thought I have on the issue, I get mad, I rationalize, and I VENT!
I let the letter lie for a week and if after that time I still feel the same, I mail it.
I have mailed the "letter" a few times. I have felt equally as validated not mailing it too.
Just a thought. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:56:10 PM | This thread has been helpful to me as well. I was married to the same man for over 30 years.
almost 3 years seperated now and he has moved to Kansas City with a woman half his age. I feel anger and resentment though I tell myself I don't. We have been trying to divorce but his latest move is to fire his lawyer and hire a new one. I am having a hard time moving on as he is constantly in my thoughts as he won
t seem to let me get the divorce. He won't speak to me on the phone. Perhaps writing a letter would help me to get this out. I thought if the divorce would come through it would make me feel better but I am going to try the letter as well. After all at this point what could it hurt?
Linda | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 3:18:32 PM | I agree with Chem in Msg #5... You're best course of action is to move on and live an excellent life.
I too went thru something very similar and what I did was wrote an email to him telling him how I felt but I did not send it. You see it helped to get it all out on paper and it helped me work out my feelings. But I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction of knowing how angry and hurt I was and he no longer had any right to my emotions.
Then I moved on to the "having an excellent life" part and it is working for me.
I know it is hard and it takes time to get over the hurt and anger but the bottom line is do you really want someone so dishonest in your life? If anything you should feel sorry for the poor sap that got your leftovers. She is his problem now.
Don't let her rent space in your head.
Good Luck! | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:37:10 PM | Write a nasty e-mail and put all your venting into it.
Then send it off with an "I don't give a rats-ass" attitude... if she writes back, just delete it.
And move on.
"consequences"??? there are no consequences for letting the sneaky b!tch have it... and you'll feel much better afterwards.
If somebody screws you over, then they deserve an ass-chewing. Stop being "nice"... what about how *you* feel? | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:46:59 PM | This thread shows why dating, in our culture, sucks.
Look at all the people here trying to protect HER feelings. If you write a letter or email and DON'T send it, you are REWARDING her for acting badly. She'll be able to tell herself that your relationship was not that big a deal at all, and what she did was OK.
If you let her to how WRONG she was in what she did, and how there ARE consequences and you are personally paying those consequences, she might get that through her skull and be a better person in the future.
So write the email, lay out all of the details of the anger and pain she has caused. Don't threaten in any way, just lay out the facts... and SEND IT TO HER.
It may or may not help you now, but it may help us all in the long run. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:52:24 PM |
This thread shows why dating, in our culture, sucks.
Look at all the people here trying to protect HER feelings. If you write a letter or email and DON'T send it, you are REWARDING her for acting badly. She'll be able to tell herself that your relationship was not that big a deal at all, and what she did was OK.
If you let her to how WRONG she was in what she did, and how there ARE consequences and you are personally paying those consequences, she might get that through her skull and be a better person in the future.
So write the email, lay out all of the details of the anger and pain she has caused. Don't threaten in any way, just lay out the facts... and SEND IT TO HER.
It may or may not help you now, but it may help us all in the long run.
We've become a society of candy-asses.  | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:56:50 PM | I dated someone on and off for a year and a half..
that guy jerked me around in every way possible... no need to vent any more...
Now.. I consider myself a very sensible gal... can call a spade a spade...
but.. I really cared about this fella a lot and he took advantage .. time and time again..
So what happened with me was I resented him.. and the resentment grew and grew and grew..
I blew a few times laid it right out on how I knew what he was doing....
Blew the pressure pod ... and felt better afterwards.
I felt the anger and resentment needed to be directed at the person that had jerked me around for a year and a half ... not at any new person that came into my life and didn't know what hit them the first time some sort of miscommunication came between us.
That is my own experience..
as for the OP.. well.. its been some time ... and well.. I don't think calling her up or writing her now is actually appropriate.
Perhaps one day you will get your chance...
I have to remind myself.. and perhaps the OP....
The only reason your really hurt and mad is because you genuinely cared.
there is a fine line between love and hate... but when Love-hate melds together its a very strong emotion.
Take the time to love yourself and eventually you will find another.
Best of luck. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:12:28 PM | Well, as weird as this sounds, you need to forgive her. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for her. I recommend this: write her a letter but don't let her read it. That process will help you get things out into the open. Write it then leave it for a couple days. Write another letter. Then if you feel up to it, print it off and go someplace where you can read it out loud. Be as honest and candid in the letter as you want to be. It's your opportunity to vent. I bet if you try this and allow yourself to get over it you'll feel much better.
The same thing happened to me. Only I held on to the bitterness for years. She since married the guy she left me for and I felt that, after 5 years, I still needed closure. I wrote some letters. I cried, ****ed, complained, whatever. But at the end of the day, I felt much better and didn't cause anymore problems. I was able to think of her and not be bitter or angry with her.
Let me know if you decide to try this! | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:44:50 AM | Pretty woman....you've been split up for 3 years, he moved in with a woman half your age...yet he won't LET you get the divorce? How can he stop you?....unless you are counting on him to pay for it.
Heck! I'd find a way to get the money and 'get 'er done!' Why should your life be put on hold for an idiot? Life is too short.....you deserve to be free to find happiness, and there are many good guys out there....
~DC~ | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:50:59 AM | It often helps to express your feelings on paper. This document isn't for general consuption but for your eyes only. After a period of time, you'll organize your thoughts and feelings into something that will clearly express how you feel.
This will go a long way to putting this issue to bed. At this point, you can decide if you want to share it with your ex-GF.
The Eagle | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:35:00 AM | Write a letter or email to get your feelings out for your own sake. Hang on to it for a few days, then look back at it, see if it's really how you want to present yourself and how you feel and if so, send it.
If you're concerned about "being mean" there's lots of ways to say how it made you feel, why you felt it was wrong and how it hurt you without being mean or offensive.
Just to write it, even if you don't send it might feel great for you tho so I would. | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:43:54 AM | | You can always put down your feelings in a letter.. but don't send it. It really won't change anything between the two of you if you do. Will make you feel better... | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:02:00 AM | | Rising above the pain - taking hold of your heart and emotions - being in control and moving on - makes you the mature and better man! You will heal in time and learn to forgive - which will allow you to live happily ever after! Do not let the sins of someone else become your great anguish! Hold your head high and make sure you don't become part of the problem! | |
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:45:22 PM | i wouldn't confront her, you likely wont get the closure you are looking for.
If there was anything you learned through this experience and your relationship, try to remember that when resentment and anger bubble up in your mind. It will help you to let go and will make you less angry. If you can do it whenever bad memories come up, you will start feeling better and then you can move on. Maybe she inadvertently has taught you to communicate better in your next relationship?
My guy taught me ( the hard way) that I have to meet my own needs in a relationship and that giving what is asked for doesn't mean I will get my needs met. He taught me boundaries and that I don't always have to make others happy. He taught me lots of stuff, even when he wasn't trying. ' '
Also, i used to hold onto resentments and hurt because I thought it would protect me form future pain. Well, it doesn't. Now I try to have good boundaries and respect myself and it is much easier to let go of anger, actually, it often doesn't even arise. SO, I am trying to say that you may hold onto your anger for a reason that is not clear to you but nonetheless there.
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| Express Anger Or Move On
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:24:49 PM | babesbabes said it best:
I wouldn,t give her the satisfaction,she knows she probably hurt you.Write all your anger down on paper and then destroy it.Move on, there are better women in this world.
If you feel you have to confront her and tell her how you feel, (to just vent or so call tell her off or whatever else you call it), write it down, put it in an envelope and then destroy it. This way you get what you want to say out of you and you'll feel better.
Besides think of this, if she left you for someone else, (cheated or not), she will most likely do it again. And, "KARMA" has a way to happen and she too will get dumped and/or cheated on from someone else one day. | |
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