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Posted: 7/3/2008 3:35:32 AM | Suggestion: go to Ivillage.com for their betrayed spouses message boards. (under Love Relationships) You could use some support and some advice from folks who have been there. It can be very strengthening, knowledge is power and power is self esteem and self esteem can make one feel whole and happy again. You've gotten great advice here. That message board is alllll about how you are feeling right now and they have experience and ongoing applicative advice there. There ARE things you can do to help yourself not only get through this but to improve on your life. (Yes, your life can be even better in the future, better than when you were married to him).
You will survive this. Next step is to Thrive and to do so well. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2008 4:54:43 AM | | Thanks for that, i will visit that site, i really do want to get better now, i'm so exhausted of being low if that makes sense, i must pick myself up and just think i got away, she's got this all to come. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2008 1:50:47 PM | OP
Please recognize the thoughts for what they are, anger or jealousy or rage, whatever, and realise that it is normal for you to feel this way and will NOT change overnight.
Remind yourself that his leaving is not to determine your selfworth, your job as a wife, mother, friend, lover.
Tell him that he can see the kids when he wants or set a schedule. That time is not to see you. Tell him you don't want to talk with him unless it is about the kids and MEAN IT!!!!!
Find meaning in your job, in being a Mom, in friends and later in dating.
This woman will be there when he has the kids. You will have to accept that. She can only threaten you if you let that happen. Trust me, the kids know who their Mom is.
Peace and best of luck in this.
As Elizabethnotliz said (Hi Elizabeth) Success and happiness really is the best revenge. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2008 3:38:52 PM | ::thread hijack warning::
Readyornot...when are you moving to Sarasota, FL? Everytime I read your posts...I couldn't agree more. I planned on posting to you before I saw you said HI lol..
sigh::
Sorry JoJo..back to you. I promise with all my heart that if you become/awaken again the 'better woman' and do right by your kids and yourself it can be really rewarding on down the line and only make your life better, perhaps better than you EVER had it....meaning don't play the part you THINK you are suppose to play by being nasty to this woman etc..but realize that what Ready said was right....she may be around your children....show THEM you are Mom and they will respect you. Comfort them through this and they will remember. Put them first and love them without psychological games but rather with logic and intelligence and you will teach them healthy love Do not be nasty for the sake of being awful to her...ya never know..she may have done you a favor and she may wish she was you 3 years from now...and you will be off having a better life than you ever did with a man who was a coward...you may find someone. You may end up teaching HER what a real woman is. Be a Real Woman..ya know..the one we all can see that is inside of you. I am glad you are going to check out those message boards. Its free and sometimes better than a therapist that you only see once a week.
Fair Thee Well....
:hugss:: | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 5:10:20 PM | no advice will help (except all that you have already heard)
How do you move on? 2 ways:
1) The Very Hard Way, where you work through all the chit that happened to you before/during/after him. you let it hurt like mad and convince yourself that you need and deserve better. This path is the one least travelled but it is the most successful for a better/happier and more successful future.
2) The Easy Way, where you hook up with some other dumb ass right away or continue attached to your ex until he finally has had enough of using you and throws you away (more than he already has) or until you finally get enough of being treated like chit and decide to take The Very Hard Way. This path is the one most often followed and many people never really get tired and keep taking it their entire life.
Something that worked for me was to refocus every once of energy that I wasted on my ex back to someone that deserved it (my son or me). It's a matter of sheer determination.
I know how hard it is but believe me, one day you wake up and realize that you don't feel so bad anymore and if you took The Very Hard Way, you end up feeling very proud, happy and content with yourself.
Good luck. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 5:54:57 PM | | Girl put his but to the curb.Take care of your children they love you and need you now as you need them.You know Istayed with a lady for 22 years.That I did know for 15 of them that every time I went to sea she was fooling around.I stayed for my kids.And now she is gone.And I still have my kids and love them.So don't be like me and suffer for years when you don't have to. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 6:35:39 PM | Checking in to see your progress.............
Looks like you're moving,,,,good. You don't own this,,,,but you are left with the pain of it. Don't worry ,,he's got his punishment,,,he's got to live without you.
By the way,,,this other woman is not the problem...he is........if it wasn't her it would be someone else,,,,,and after a while with her,,,,it will be. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2008 7:18:06 AM | Sleeping together after your husband cheats on you is not a good relationship,He is making you number two,You seem to be a nice lady who wants her family back , you are letting him disrespect you ,you are his wife not his mistress, you are number one, this man wants the best of both worlds" I have been in your situation 20 years of it' I thought it would change the only thing that he changed was the woman from time to time,Get out, or seek ,Marriage counselling if he doesn't agree then dump him for good, Good luck to you I feel your pain. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2008 9:50:39 PM | anyone who is able to rationalize an affair is lacking a certain core integrity. it's likely he'll do it again - if not to you, to his next gf/wife/whatever (he'll think he won't, but he will eventually). rare exceptions occur, but it takes a HUGE shift in paradigm on the cheater's part and that rarely occurs. once the line has been crossed, easier the next time.
i know it's difficult for you especially w/ very young children involved. hopefully, your husband is one of the rare exceptions. in any event, you'll know if it's time to go. if so, you'll go through a series of emotions for a year or two and at some point, you'll just snap and lose all respect and all desire for him permanently. that's the point where you feel so disengaged you just KNOW there's no going back to him ever - and you'll also, at that time, KNOW you're making the right decision for you and the children. i hope your marriage eventually works out, nevertheless. best wishes. | |
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Posted: 7/6/2008 5:09:57 AM | So has anyone got any advice how i can block this woman from my thoughts, and what he's done so i can move on with my life. I'm not well at the moment and i think lot is to so with this stress, i need to get better for my children. He's been this morning all concerned, gonna phone me this afternoon, he put his arm around me i wanted him to get off me.
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Well you have to sit down , put aside your emotions and think realistically.Look at the facts.
He comes over acts concerned, sleeps with you, but does not stay."HE DOES NOT STAY" He leaves when he has what he came for.He is not coming back anytime soon is he? Likely has no intentions to, either.He has his bread buttered on both sides and two gullible women holding the butter knife.Why are you running after him trying to make him happy and yourself miserable. Does he deserve all your efforts, I think not.He deserves zilch.!!! He should be on his knees to you not the other way round.he is the one in the wrong here.Look to your happiness and that of your little ones. Are you afraid of being alone, is being with this guy better than being alone. Alone you would be free of stress, wholehearted and able to give quality time to your kids.
Your life would be infinitely better.Sometimes when our emotions are in disarray , our thinking gets warped. Relax and try to think clearly, keep this guy out of your bed and life except as a Dad to your kids. Tell him so directly and assertively.Dont wait for him to make up his mind, its your life , you decide what you will tolerate.What he does is up to him now, you get in charge of your life, reclaim your power.He is playing games here to satisfy his ego- all these women want me- an immature selfish man.Get out there girl,bounce this guy and get yourself some interests, a social life and the new relaxed, confident you ,will attract a much better man. You deserve better than this , you know it. "Get your self up, brush yourself down and start all over again" like the song says. Best of luck and love to you.x | |
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Posted: 7/6/2008 5:39:05 AM | aww im so sorry sweety thats horrible.. but if he cheated once he will cheat again... its not fair that a relationship that lasted 9 years would disinegrate over another women.. but it happends.. you just have to stay strong hold your head up high and move on :).. its the only way to go.. taking him back will only cause more pain than anything .. especially if you have a hard time looking him in the face :( | |
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Posted: 7/6/2008 12:14:36 PM | | Thanks for all your advice, i have now had a makeover shown myself off and showing him what he's missing. I do still love him and probobly will for a long time but my life can't go on hold. He is a prat, he's lost his wife and two beutiful children, for what? Nothing , and he's gonna see that and when he does come crawling back he's gonna get a big kick in the teeth. | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 3:33:49 AM | | His dad is now blamimg me for the breakup, out of anger during the last argument i did say well i don't love you, i didn't mean it, it was anger and i regretted it ever since. I told him i didn't mean it and have done my upmost to prove it, but i can't take it back, a big mistake. Apparantly thats why he wouldn't try again. But i have planned to move away, and in an argument he told me he couldn't wait for me to f off, three days later he came around and said he didn't mean that, what if i had took that to heart and gone that night? Would he have regretted saying that? I think i have paid for my little outburst. | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 4:33:37 AM | From the last two posts, op, with one stating, "I told him I didn't love him", then in your next post he comes back around and you say, "I didn't mean it".......that tells me you still want and hope to get him back.
I know also by that post, you are blaming yourself, for his horrible behavior.
You are not responsible for his actions.
No matter what outburst..........that was a response to his betrayal.
Stop punishing yourself for what you said to him........his mind had already left you when he, decided, to step outside the marriage.
Shortly, there after, his body followed.....and he ain't coming back.
You have enough to be responsible for.........focusing on the children and filling their needs....without having to be responsible for "the man whore".
It's wonderful to have a makeover but for you and not for him.......in hopes to lure him back.
Don't see or talk to him.
Get an attorney and put some distance between you and him.
He will use you and the fact that he knows, no matter what you fly off the handle and say, that you still want him back.
He needs to support his children and you need to take care of their needs.
And they need you most....
they are watching you and how you deal with this.
You are teaching them by your reactions and actions.
I promise it will not only get better, but better than ever before.......it takes time...work.....and every time you allow him to come back into your life, you are allowing him to pick at, your self-inflicted, wounds.
I would suggest a christian counselor.
Payments are normally on a sliding scale.
Your need to work on your self-esteem.
I would not compound my problems with being on a singles site........there are many like him, just waiting to bounce.
Just my opinions.
ceeceekitty | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 4:42:47 AM | | Visualize the woman in a bubble, put her in the palm of your hand and blow the bubble with her in it out into the furthest galaxy. Watch her fade in your mind's eye into the black void. Do this three times a day. Do it with him in the bubble too. Send them both peace. Let them be. Be there for yourself and for your kids. They still have a dad, yes, you don't need to have a husband. Let him go. Good luck. | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 5:04:31 AM | OP
You have no honor or integrity about yourself thus of course your ex is going to use you for the sex and anything else he can get.
Advice? Beyond me. | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 6:03:37 AM | | I appreciate all your advice, and i'm realising that i shouldn't blame myself. I am getting help to come to terms with this now, but I need to come to terms with this in my own time. | |
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Thos43
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Joined: 11/13/2005
Msg: 43 | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 9:48:22 AM | Hey ,
You are a good looking girl and in time things will start to look much better for you. I am separated with my children far away and heartbroken but with time things will change. When you are down the only way is up.
Take care
Thomas | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 11:32:31 AM | | At the moment it is ALL you think about. Each day you will think about it/them less and less until one day you suddenly realise you have hardly thought about it/them at all. Even when you do - it will hurt a little bit less each time - until one day you will think "why did I ever waste so much of my life worrying about what 2 losers did to me" Trust me, it will get less and less - but it will not be overnight - go through it girl and come out the other end a stronger, independent, HAPPIER woman. Believe me - I know - I've been there - so can speak from experience. | |
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Posted: 7/9/2008 1:10:08 PM | So has anyone got any advice how i can block this woman from my thoughts
Yeah. Stop thinking about her.
The way you do that is:
Every time she gets into your head, tell her to get the h3ll out.
Over and over and over, until she gets the idea and stops coming back.
It's all about will power.
Yours and hers.
Are you going to let her have control over your life?
The choice is up to you.
Either she wins or you do.
STOP THINKING ABOUT HER.
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Posted: 7/9/2008 2:34:14 PM | | hi jo jo,i have just been looking at the forums,not read anyof them before,when i came across your story,my advice to you is to stay strong babe,i had almost the same experience with my daughters mom,who i had been with for 8 years,i had a feeling that there was another man,when asked she kept saying that i was wrong to think that,but i kept with my gut feeling,and after a little heart break,i decided to leave the family home,that was very hard as my girl is my life,i moved away to start a new life,now im not suggesting you leave but what im trying to say i guess is,time is a great healer,i know thats what every one tells you,its true,today im a strong person,exceptance is the key,i left 5 years ago now,and today my daughters mom and i are really good friends,do not want her back,but i have found it in my heart to forgive,as long as she is happy then my girl is happy and thats what counts,i dont know if this has helped or not,but i just felt i needed to say my bit,stick with your friends babe,hey if you want another friend im here ok,well take care,maybe we will chat one day ....jon x | |
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Posted: 7/10/2008 8:09:23 AM | Hi Jojo, when I saw your post, I just had to reply. I have been through the heart break thing, and I thought I would die from a broken heart. This is my second summer after the jerk left me, and guess what? I have gone through more than a year of recovery, and I'm still alive. I don't know why or how we can keep loving people who have hurt us so dreadfully bad. We love them so much, we are able to forgive them of just about anything. That's something we need to combat. Therapy helps. God helps. The forums help. After my breakup, I decided that I was going to learn to be happy, whether I was alone, or with someone. I am making progress, and I am OK. I miss having someone, but I'm OK with me, and that's the main thing. I haven't dated in over a year, but now I am ready to find someone new. There's not much anyone can tell you that will take this pain away, but I can tell you that time will dull the pain. It takes longer for some of us than others, but take one day at a time. Stay away from the guy, and do what is best for you and your children. Stay busy and active. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep going. The best thing you can do for yourself is make up your mind to accept your life without him in it. It's like a death, and you are going through the grieving process. One day, it won't hurt so badly. I promise.
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Posted: 7/13/2008 5:34:41 AM | | Thanks, i know one day it won't hurt so bad, but at the moment it's all i can think about, he has to be in my life cos we have kids together and i have to face him all the time, which makes the moving on process all the more difficult, my daughter is still asking where he is, and even asked him the other day if he was staying home now, he never answered her. I have to tell him that it's not just my heart thats broken, and he needs to do something about this cos we can't go on like this forever, he needs to see the kids more often i think and make sure his family is put first above everything else, cos one day he is going to look back and think "oh god, what have i done?" | |
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Posted: 7/16/2008 12:25:04 AM | | I'm sorry you are going throught all this. I have just one advice to share with you; no matter how the things finally turn out please don't get stuck on this. Accept, heal, move on, but don't let this mark your life forever. I met someone some time ago who was and still is unable to rebuild his life after divorce; and it is so sad seeing him wasting his whole life over something is in the past and never will come back. Don't make the same mistake... | |
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Posted: 7/16/2008 2:11:17 AM | jojo, please don't think i'm putting you down in any way. I have been where you are right now. it's almost as if our ex's are in the same gene pool. i'm trying to think of where to start, because i have lived this situation exactly as you described it.
how did i get the other woman out of my mind? i sat and thought about things, about what he told her, or didn't, and decided it didn't matter, on my end, the ex was lying, saying we had broken up, as i had issues....however, the minute HER back was turned, he would come around to me to complain about her, or want to have sex. i began to feel sorry for her, because she didn't know the real him. for a while, i did it, because i hoped it was a phase he was going through because being a parent was a big step. i didn't want to raise my daughter alone or have a split parent situation for her. i grew up without a dad because he died when i was young. that was the main reason why i put up with it. then i started thinking about what kind of example i'd be setting for my daughter. did i want her growing up to think that this was acceptable behavior, and she should expect to be treated this way? certainly not!! then one day i sat and made a list, of the things i wanted out of life, personally, and parentally. then i made a list of what he had to offer us, both me and my daughter, since we came hand in hand. i didn't come up with anything that could have been remotely positive. then i realized that i am more than just a doormat, that he could wipe his feet on when he chose to. every time you cave in and give him sex, he loses more and more respect for you. what is love without respect? and, honestly, there will never be emotional and mental security on your part ever again for this man. it is true, once they do it they will do it as many times as they feel like it, because you are telling him (without saying the words) that this type of situation is acceptable to you. it is clearly not acceptable to you, and deep down you know you will never trust him again. what is love without trust? self torture!! you will live a life full of worry as to what he is doing and where he is if he doesn't come home right away. that's no way to live. as far as him spending time with your daughter, he has to want to do that . his silence to your daughter's question was his answer. he's not putting his family first, he is putting himself first, and will always do so. try to talk to him about what he'd like to do for visitation, if he gives you a problem then sit down with a calendar and figure out what days it would be good for him to see your daughter. keep track of when he comes in a private journal made just for that purpose. the reason i'm telling you this is because once my ex could no longer get anything from me, he tried manipulating using visitation. i had to consult with an attorney, and that is what i was advised to do. if he doesn't show up, that's on him, but record everything. that way if it ever gets bad enough that he takes you to court, you end up looking like a reasonable adult trying to make the best of things, and he looks like a petulant child. as far as the in-laws are concerned, they are his parents and will back their child no matter what. some parents enable their children's worst behavior. did you ever think that maybe this is a learned behavior of his? it may be a possibility. as far as their opinion on who is to blame, they can go pound sand for all you should care. once you take the first step towards your own independence from him, you will be amazed at how everything falls into place. you will feel the power of being in control again, as right now, you feel your life is in his hands and based on his decisions. he also knows this. i know the hurt and turmoil you are in right now. it will get better, and once you pick up the reins you will feel alive again. one of the things a therapist would also tell you is to write. if this situation is keeping you up at night, write about it. when you are angry with him, get it out by writing a letter to him, and lay everything you are feeling out on paper. you don't have to send it --the point is to express yourself to unburden yourself. if it makes you feel better, burn the paper after you've written everything that is on your mind, or keep it in a private place where no one will have access to it. don't tell him how your heart is broken, i hate to be mean, but if he cared, he wouldn't have taken the path he did. another cardinal rule is to never badmouth him to your kids, or badmouth the grandparents either. as much as you would like to, you may sabotage your children's respect for you. trust me, your kids will see him for what he is in the future. i never thought so. my daughter was 2 when i put her dad on the curb. she is now turning 18, and has no respect for her father's actions. she will always have a bond, because he is her father, but it's not much of one. when she needs the reliable parent, she knows where to go. i hope that i helped you with this situation. i was there, like i said many years ago. been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and as elton john says, "i'm still standing". do some things for yourself, that calm you and make you happy, and hang in there, it will all work out! | |
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