| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 9/15/2008 4:00:46 AM | I take things slow when meeting someone from on-line.
On the pro side, the internet is wide-open. You can reach a variety of people that you could never hope to reach via friends, work, or even the newspapers.
On the con side, you also miss out on the normal filtering mechanisms that are out there via friends, work, etc. Your buds are unlikely to introduce you to a psycho rapist. They also might not know the lonely billionaire that would be perfect for you.
So, the summary kind of goes like this. Traditional, long-term relationships are very hard and require as much of a good, solid base of commonality, support from friends, etc. that can be mustered. That would mean that the internet route is not a particularily great way to go about finding the love of your life. It is not impossible, but realistically it would be unlikely. (Even if there are thousands of folks that have met and happily married based on internet encounters, there are over a billion people on the internet.)
But, if you're just someone to chat with, do activities, etc. then go for it!
Just be careful!
You should rent the movie, "Strangeland," and watch it a couple of times before taking the leap.
Now, I've met most of my gaming and social group here in Northern VA via the WWW. So, here are some tried and true steps I take.
First, I have a couple of aliases that I use to make initial contact with folks. I never work directly from my "real" identity when making initial contact. You can easily get an "extra" ID from hotmail and some other places. Put some generally correct personal information in it, e.g., age range, sex, weight range, but use an assumed name. Don't switch to your real e-mail until you are pretty dang comfortable with this person.
Second, take things slowly. Chat on the internet for a bit via e-mail. Ask some basic questions. After a couple of weeks, slip in some of the same questions again. See if the answers match. For example, if they have kids one time and they don't the next then you know something is up.
Third, talk on the phone before meeting the person. Can you hear them sharpening the axe while they chat with you? Do you hear gun fire in the background? Are they yelling at their kids and wife while trying to hook-up with you? You get the idea. But, don't be fooled by a suave voice!
Fourth, the first time you meet, meet in a public place where you can approach in a crowd and potentially flee if you see a total loser. Yes, this puts some stock in outward appearance, but do you really want to hook-up with a guy wearing shorts under a urine stained trench coat? I don't want to know if you do!
Do a couple of public dates before allowing someone to come to your house or you to visit theirs. You don't want to end up in the trunk of a car somewhere.
The steps above might sound a little too cautious, but I've met lots of nice people over the internet. Still, I've probably filtered out about 4/5ths of initial contacts. I'm not in the dating game, but those are the steps I use. I don't want someone coming to my house that I don't trust to be around the kids.
Hope that helps! | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 9/15/2008 4:37:24 AM | yikes, I think I'm one of those guys. ;-0
Well, maybe not for months, but long enough to see if the girl is gonna turn on me via online conversation. We can all be anyone we want behind the keyboard, so if she seems to remain consistent over a few weeks and a number of subjects, it's a good bet that she's genuine.
Ahh, but there's more. I've yet to meet anyone who is completely comfortable and satisfied with themselves. Most people seem to dwell on the negative aspects of their own personality or appearance, even though we know that no one's perfect. Well, maybe not all of us....some don't seem to be aware of all this, and generally impress me as the shallow type. So in the end, I'd rather invest some time in advance just to find out if we have at least the fundamentals in common. There really is a lot more to life than basic chemistry...wouldn't it be sweet if it all fit just right. So try giving us heel draggers a chance....you might be pleasantly surprised. ;-) | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 9/15/2008 5:03:40 AM | "This is going to sound stupid coming from a man. But I've put on brakes when a few women started talking about sex".
im glad u said that TigerBlackHawk. Sometimes the conversation does turn sexual, but when it crosses that line too soon, such as before we even meet, i usually will not meet that person.
other than that, as long as they respect my wishes to meet in public in a safe place, i'm game for meeting someone
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 9/15/2008 7:25:58 AM | My main problem is just a lack of getting out and meeting new people. I moved to this town just a little over a year ago and don't really know much of the locale up here. And where I work is predominately all men with a few women who work in the office but I never get the chance to talk to any of them. So the past year has been pretty much a dry spell. Met one girl not long ago and we seem to get along fine but she kept throwing that "I'm busy" story at me whenever I asked her out. So after several attempts of trying to ask her out again and showing no interest in getting together at a later date I tossed that one right out the window.
But hey, things are bound to pick up again. They always do. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:10:32 AM | "My main problem is just a lack of getting out and meeting new people."
Powerhead79:
try to attend a POF event if you can. i went to the campout at carter's lake in july and had a blast. i still talk to men and women that i met there. several of the couples that met there dated for awhile. some may even still be together.
bethany | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:28:21 PM | I have several reasons (excuses). Some of them are actually big and real - at least they are big/real in my mind.
----------------------- THE AGE FACTOR
- My time warp. The only female (besides my mom and two daughters) that meant anything to me for 20 years - just turned 49 a few days ago. I am not 49 and she is my ONLY reference point. I have exactly ZERO experience (point of reference) with anyone older than she is.
So ....... I look at gals in the age range that I am use to - 10 or so years younger than I am. Many many (esp the nicer looking) gals are looking at guys that are 10 or so years younger than they are.
---------------------- THE EWWWWWWWWWW FACTOR IN REAL LIFE
I did date at first and got that ewwwwww feeling. (if this is what she is like with me - what about the other 500 guys ........ ewwwwww)
---------------------- THE EWWWWWWWWWW FACTOR ONLINE
That ewwwwwwww feeling is the same feeling I get when I read the post in the sex section ........
“one guys did this (some sex stuff) - another guy did this (more sex stuff) - I like doing this to most guys ***MOST GUYS????*** (more sex stuff)
So many many females end up making me feel like some kind of virgin or something ................... ewwwwwwwwwwww
---------------------- THE ECONOMY FACTOR
I’ve been self employed - doing the same thing for 35 years. The out sourcing of America by politicians and gready CEOs - has wrecked havoc on my entire industry.
I am NOT implying females are gold diggers .......... BUT .............
Everything ALWAYS comes down to money ....... ALWAYS
--------------------- THE PICKY FACTOR - THE END ALL - DO ALL OF ALL FACTORS - MY BOTTOM LINE
I simply could not be interested in a female that ....... at some point in time - I could not see myself wanting to get naked with. That removes about 95% of the female population - right from the start.
--------------------- ADDITIONAL ONLINE FACTORS / FACTOIDS - THE ACTUAL ONLINE BOTTOM LINE
Pretty much any female online with pictures that is average or above looks wise ......... has a pile of incoming guys.
Of that “pile of guys” coming at her ........ there are far better catches (for her) than I would be (see economy factor)
-------------------- LOGIC FACTOR
If nothing else ..... I am logical. There are just too many knock out factors - me to them - them to me.
If I ever do end up in a relationship again .... it would start from a face to face chance encounter.
In a face to face chance encounter ........ it is pure male / female attraction. In the case of a potential match - they both know it and they both know it as the first bit of information. EVERYTHING ELSE comes after that.
When two people meet by total accident (chance encounter) and their radar flashes (both sides) - their *what if meters* peg to the plus side ............
EVERYTHING ELSE comes after that. Everything else has a lower priority. The #1 question ..... is already answered. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:27:09 PM | Well, I have come to this myself. I will chat with someone for a bit and then either they or I back out. I also have been known to cut people off at the pass when they IM me. There are several reasons for this.
1. I am Pagan and Native American. I am not into having to go into the explanation of what a pagan is. I live in the Bible Belt and so the Christian thing is pretty much expected. I am very definitely not Christian (I had a guy say "Judge ye not" and when I said "Ok, well, most Christians I know are 'not into witches'" he did not respond) and conversion is not an option.
2. I flatly refuse to meet someone who does not hold a college degree or read books. I want someone to have at least the level of education that I do.
3. I am overweight and am in the process of losing that weight but so many men have the requirement of "height and weight proportionate." I am not there and have a ways to go. It has made me seriously shy about meeting.
4. I have minimal requirements on a male, but it seems that oftentimes, those who are interested in me fail somewhere in those requirements or a red flag comes up. I have settled for less in the past and it has only brought heartache. I find that now, I find it not even worth it to bend on those requirements.
5. Currently, I am unemployed (broke my leg in January) and am having a tough time financially. I am terrified that I will be rejected because of that.
6. So many men want sex. Even with the first date and that is NOT my style. While I like sex like the next person, I am not looking for sex. I am looking for a partner who I get along with on an intellectual level first. I have a very large chest and it makes me uncomfortable.
7. Last but not least, while I am native american and therefore am open to meeting men of other race (specifically Caucasian or Jewish), I am not open to meeting men of the other races. I can't tell you how many men who are African American who want to date me. Just not my cup of tea. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 10/4/2008 12:29:20 AM | I have already posted to this thread somewhere but i will add this. As far as what keeps me from meeting someone here, It's the flakes. I seem to come across way to many here. There has got to be "one" on here that is serious. Aren't they? | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:56:07 AM | (toyepimloneleytoo.....it doesn't even have to be the one you carry a torch for,it may just be we compare ALL men to the one that we had,and sometimes they just come up short)
In my case,I chat with someone 10 minutes....they immediately want my number,they want to meet that very day,they're saying they think they could love me...or..they outright say "I love you"........ It puts me off,I'll have to admit. It makes me fearful of the nice guys that really want to just start out slow.If someone really wants to start a relationship with ME..then they should give me the time I need to feel comfortable meeting them.It seems just when I feel confident enough to meet them....they back off for awhile,then they contact me again, sometimes months later.I feel we have to regain the trust issue again.I don't know,maybe I'm just weird,but....you have to be careful these days.There are some NUTS out there!..LOL.......... | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:29:23 PM | | Why be nervous? their just people like everyone else, a meeting doesn't have to be anything except meeting a new acquaintance, if it doesn't work out, say nice to meet you, and go on your way. Do you get this nervous when you see people out in public? Its no different to me. | |
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| What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/17/2008 7:07:10 AM | If her profile says "No Drama" and is Drama filled .. Run!, and if she talks about having a gun and know how to use it...RUN!
also, My ex used to beat me..RUN! my Jeep got repossesed..RUN! My family doesnt care about me..RUN!
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/18/2008 9:57:45 AM | Myself most times because of weight issues and how men react to it.
I was very sick four years ago and had to take medications that caused me to be overweight. Steriods while doing magic with other drugs saving my life, killed my body image and body period. It made me gain so much weight and its hard to lose.
I find that no matter what my personality is like, my intelligence, my ability to discuss things on so many levels, my varied interests, my job, my life in general, my ability to be fun, witty, sarcastic, honest, or anything else is, men are afraid to be with women who are the least bit overweight. It's like I am judged differently all because of something that saved my life and is not a permanent thing.
The really funny thing to this is... when I was 150 pounds heavier, I had men wanting to date all the time. Now, that its within a reasonable number, I'm not attractive anymore. Go figure. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/18/2008 1:48:24 PM | I think the answer is different for guys and girls. From the girls view if the guy doesn't want to meet you it should send up red flags. There is the possibility that he is shy or inexperienced when it comes to dating. But if nothing else about him seems shy then your being placed on the backburner. Basically he is not that into you.
As for the guys... if a girl has trouble meeting you its always always a bad thing! I've met way more online than I care to admit. And trust me when I tell you that if she is hesitant now it is NEVER going to get better. MOVE ON. It really does not matter what she is nervous about... its always bad for you.
There are those occasions when they are moving, switching jobs, going through a hard time. So for those you would do well to wait. But be careful not to put your life on hold for the wrong person | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/18/2008 11:38:01 PM | | Nothing would keep me from meeting someone I took a romantic interest in. Now if I could just find someone like that, I'd have a date. I wouldn't make excuses, get cold feet, or lead them on. I just wish my area offered more variety. There is a little too much of a Sling Blade Jesus freak thing going on locally. The profile gives me enough of a warning to stay away. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/20/2008 6:40:55 AM | | Hm im the opposite of the above person... I am really a different person on the internet, I dunno maybe its just people that make me nervous. Maybe my internet personality is the real me as it would be if I just talked to anyone I met, I don't know. I would like to think if an online conversation went well and someone showed interest I would try to meet them in person if they lived nearby. Farther away would take a lot more consideration. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/20/2008 9:13:31 AM | -Insecurities! Plus I'm an indoor girl, who doesn't get out much AT ALL.
- Shy/timid. I've never had a b/f and never any dates, because I stay hidden. Guys don't even know I exist in the real world.
Just by looking at my pics, you couldn't even bring yourself to believe any of the above, but it's VERY TRUE!
I also fear that if I do end up meeting someone, it'll be just that awkward silence that I absolutely hate. I would prefer the guys I meet to be easy to talk to, and more talkative just to help break me out of this shell I'm in. | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/20/2008 11:11:46 AM | | If you have problems meeting someone in person then you should just inform people that you just want a pen pal. Be honest. personally,, I meet anyone that wants to meet me.That is why I'm here and that is what my profile says. Honesty IS the best policy. John | |
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| Time to come clean: What keeps you from meeting someone?
Posted: 11/20/2008 12:35:53 PM | It did not offend me at all , and I agree what if the date turned out to be great, and your a real gentleman for going through with the dates, when a man or women cancels the first date, it will get me to wonder what kind of self esteem they really have. I mean at least give us the chance to say " to make that decision if we are going to like like each other or not, and besides we must have something in common if we are going to meet in the first place So I am glad you posted what you feel, I agree totally, good job!!!!!! | |
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