|
|
|
|
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 6:16:27 AM | Last year a frind was stabbed several times by his girlfriend while he was sleeping..
Another friends home was destroyed by a girlfriend while he was gone to work because she was jealous..
A couple of years age my ribs were broken by a girlfriend because she was jealous.
I refused to hit her back..
I think she was wanting me to hit her so that she could press charges.
I know there are guys that will hit women but there are more guys that are hit by women than the other way around..
Guys just don't report it and rarely press charges.
Just as I didn't press charges against the gal that broke my ribs.
I never even reported it. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:04:54 AM |
I know there are guys that will hit women but there are more guys that are hit by women than the other way around..
I don't think I'd agree with this without some sort of proof, but I do agree in whole, it happens often and is not generally reported. Murder on the other hand, a man is much more likely to kill his estranged or departing partner than a woman. That is a known fact. Regardless, either way ~ it's time we all do something to make a difference. And posting here isn't the answer for change. Sadly.
~OT~ I received a heartwrenching email this morning from someone who reads forums but is not comfortable posting here. Her story is tragically similar to others here, a little more extreme in my opinion, however ~ because of law enforcement, the system in general and a few other things, she is finishing her last year in law enforcement training and leaving that career behind. Imagine that, all that time, effort, energy only to be so disgruntled by the acquittal of a known abuser to leave your training/vocation behind. She has had surgery to repair the hearing in one ear, and she is suffering severely from the lack of protection, justice and overall treatment abuse targets receive at the hands of law enforcement. There were things that hit so close to home for me that it was creepy. So, this can be added as another, "WTF?" in this long line of stories that sicken me personally. What can be done? I don't know, but I'm going to find out and I personally am going to do something. If each one of us, helps at least one person ~ we've made a mark. Pay-it-forward so to speak. It's just time to stop depending on the ill-informed, uncaring and useless venues we rely on. At least from where I stand, it's time to get out, volunteer ~ make some noise and get the damn useless misdomeanor laws OFF the books so those who choose to live with anger/hate/abuse can rot in jail with their peers.  | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:27:13 AM | I am soo not reading four pages. The legal system is getting better but until society totally gets this, things are not going to change. Restraining orders are not worth a crap because they can be obtained without having the living crap beat out of you. A protection order has more teeth in the legal system but requires a physically obvious or witnessed beating to have occurred.
My X is bipolar, we were all afraid he would snap and either beat the hell out of me or kill me when I kicked him out. Despite having changed the lease more than a year before to list me only, the police told me that had he known the law, when I changed the locks they would have forced me to let him back in the house because it was our married domicile. In Texas, the police are basically supposed to take anyone in and prosecute them regardless of whether the victim wishes it or not, to bring charges on behalf of the state, if there has been verifiable physical abuse, period, and yet they often choose not to, still and these laws have existed over a decade.
There are people of both genders that are verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. They find people's weak spots and begin working on them. For the guy on the first page, that despite listing all of the reasons women stay but says that he doesn't get it, these folks, whether men or women, don't start out monsters. They are very loving, charming and make the person they will abuse feel as if he/she is the most loved and cared for person on the planet. They slowly isolate the individual from their family and friends and systematically destroy their self-esteem by finding ways to make the victim responsible for her own victimization by believing they are unworthy of better treatment.
The way they are manipulated varies in each case. One friend was kept in check because he threatened to kill her parents and sibling, and was probably crazy enough to do it, but she didn't want to find out. Other people have no place to go. I could have not done what I did. I bluffed. Changed the locks and acted like I had every right to do so. My X didn't have the sense to find out whether I could or not, so I did not have to move, something that would be prohibitive to many women. I had financial resources and the skills to support myself and my children, many women do not. Some women may themselves be mentally ill. suffering from depression or some other disorder.
Abusive people paint themselves of victims of everyone and anyone, they don't take responsibility for the things that happen to them and somewhere along the line, the person thinks if they can just do whatever, they can fix poor Billy's life. By then they are usually in really deep....It really doesn't matter why women don't leave other than recognizing someone who may be abused and trying to reach out and do whatever you can to help her find the strength to fight what he tells her about herself so that she can eventually get away and start building a life without violence.
How many of the people that have so passionately responded to this thread take the time to go over the public records of arrests, prosecutions and convictions for domestic violence to ascertain whether their municipality is adequately obeying the laws designed to protect people from violence of significant others? If you do, and you find the numbers unacceptable, do you seek out someone at a newspaper or network to pursue the issue, or write to the officials that are responsible for ensuring that these crimes are prosecuted to let them know they are being watched and evaluated and found to be professionally unacceptable? | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:15:02 AM | Your post smacks of common sense SeaHorseShells and I want to say that I enjoyed reading your views...
So I had a taste of legal law and it took a lot of, "Time", dealing with them, but justice was finally reached. I learned that if you don’t get satisfaction from one, under the law person your dealing with, go higher up, it works.
I wholeheartedly agree with this suggestion because I also "had to go higher up"... When my offender showed up drunkenly threatening to jam his keys into my eyes, the arresting officer was only going to charge him with breaching his probation instead of for anything he did. I started the climb through the hierarchy at that point and eventually, someone gave enough of a damn to send a couple of officers out to take a statement. BUT, had I said nothing, he would have been right back on my doorstep.
Still, I can understand how a woman who is in survival mode might not be able to relate the legal system as having a chain of command... It does but many might not know that they can and should be unwilling to just accept decisions that leave them exposed to danger. Great point!!!
While many would fantasize about being able to grab a 12 gauge shotgun and sit on the porch to let him know that he's also going to lose pieces of his hide if he tries anything, I have to say that I think that is not necessarily a great idea. My father, an old WWII veteran of many years took me out and taught me how to shoot when I was in my 20's and one of the things he always said was, "NEVER pull a gun unless you are prepared to use it!" Some abusers will smile at seeing that gun because now they know where to get one. All they have to do is break in while you're not at home and suddenly, your problems are magnifying exponentially with every minute that passes.
Now mace, a big dog and self-defence classes, I am all for...
Overall, your message of taking steps to tighten up one's security is critical to people's survival when one has a true terrorist imposing him (or her) self on them... I couldn't agree more...
One last thought though... It isn't enough to secure the doors of your home... Hidden windows with bushes around them are a choice point of entry...
I noticed the RED flags when in my last relationship but I ignored all of them and I can honestly say that I learned my lesson though it was at the sake of my life....he very easily could have killed me.
Sweetlips... This is another excellent point. The red flags are red for a reason. I've learned that the fact that I am a noticeably compassionate person, is not necessarily a good thing. I know there are a few threads containing lists of the "red flags" here but those "flags" are also, often well known to the abusive personality and they know how to get around them. I am sorry you were hurt but at least, you are here to talk about it... Thank God for that!
had broken ribs now what have i got 2 live 4?my kids are gone?my self respect was almost none existent but all i could think is im going 2 fight i wasnt sure what 4 but i was goin 2 and i did.
What do you have to live for? You have much to live for Munchkingirl... Somewhere out there, 2 children are waiting to see you again. There is no substitute for Mommy and you need to keep the faith that you will be reunited. If I were you, I'd be saving every penny I could lay my hands on to hire the best private investigator I could find... And I think I'd be climbing through the hierarchy at the police station until someone listened to me... I hope you can find your children and bring them home very soon.
Most would think that if a woman leaves a relationship that may be abusive whether physically or emotionally or both that she is free from the damaging, negative actions of her ex partner. More and more stories come to light that this simply is not the case.
Enigma... Your post deserves a round of applause... 
It's a common misperception that abuse happens, the law steps in, he or she gets their punishment and it's all over but the crying... Especially where children are involved...
Although, that wasn't the case for me, I've heard story after story after story, that sometimes, it's only the beginning of many years of one court application after another but, I also know that the courts are beginning to recognize malicious prosecution. Regardless of whether it's family court or civil court, there comes a time in front of that one not-so-happy and very aware judge that the whole house of cards collapses on those that abuse the judicial system.
Unfortunately, someone that is bent on making life hell for someone else often flies just under the radar and where this happens, people fall through the cracks in mass numbers. The damage is incalculable just because it is so extensive. All anyone can do in that situation is deal with one situation at a time or simply, move and let the devil take the hindmost... We all have our limits. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:32:03 AM | Thank you.. Would you like to hear more??? Fired my appointed attourney and put a retainer on a good.. He say's the case is very winable.. Which I already knew... So the two weeks I was in jail she binged so hard because I wasn't there to help... She realized what she did was wrong... Couldn't live without me.. Tried to od on meth, pills, and booze... One of my "friends" she was with, got her to the hospital before it was too late.. She tested positive for all that stuff and six weeks pregnant.. CPS took the boys... She still couldn't stop using... I bailed out.. She found out.. Wanted to meet... Loves me.. Is sorry.. Needs help... ect... I wouldn't... I'm not going back to jail over her.. She used more drugs and alcohol to kill the pain knowing she was pregnant.. The child didn't make it to 8 weeks...  I had to change my # and file a protection order... It took them 11 days to serve it.. I still got calls and emails until then.. As of right now she is MIA.. The prosecutor can't even contact her.. I guess I could go on and on but enough said.. I don't know what to think.. They offered me a "deal" of 75 days.. All these fines, dv classes, a parenting one as well.. The day I cop out to something I didn't do would be the lowest day of my life.. See you in the box is what I told em.. As I look back on it I should've and could've done a lot of things different and I might not be in this predicament right now.. But no matter what I did or didn't do, there is no exscuse for her to lie to the cops because I wanted out... Thenks for the vent session.. I don't talk about this much... | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:47:52 AM | Last year a frind was stabbed several times by his girlfriend while he was sleeping..
Not too many years ago, a woman was stabbed 47 times by her new husband. He got 3 years after his charges were lowered from homicide to manslaughter because the judge ruled that he had been "provoked" when she told him he wasn't so hot in bed!
I have 100's of stories like this... Do you want to hear them Nebula?
A couple of years age my ribs were broken by a girlfriend because she was jealous.
I refused to hit her back..
Good... You should be proud of your own restraint. Why didn't you have her charged? And how can you be upset with a system that you chose not to use? (Assuming of course, that you are upset about it...)
I think she was wanting me to hit her so that she could press charges.
That might be true... then again, it might not be...
I know there are guys that will hit women but there are more guys that are hit by women than the other way around..
Guys just don't report it and rarely press charges.
Where do you get these "facts" you are quoting Nebula? You say that there are "more guys who get hit by women than the other way around" but really... prove that to us...
Guys don't report it and rarely press charges? That is true... But you know what? WOMEN DONT REPORT IT EITHER!!! I've put that in caps not to yell but so that you would notice it. In many, many jurisdictions, the policies have had to be changed strictly BECAUSE women would not report or take action against an abusive partner. In many, many cases, it's a neighbor, friend or family member who calls in the abuse even though the woman pleads with them not to... And in many, many cases, when the police arrive, the woman will still "cover up" for him... In many, many cases, the woman will refuse to testify so the prosecutor has to proceed without his or her most important witness.
My God.. if you only knew the lengths some women will go to, to protect their family including "him"...
I don't think I'd agree with this without some sort of proof, but I do agree in whole, it happens often and is not generally reported. Murder on the other hand, a man is much more likely to kill his estranged or departing partner than a woman. That is a known fact. Regardless, either way ~ it's time we all do something to make a difference. And posting here isn't the answer for change. Sadly.
Good morning VGE...  While posting here isn't the answer for change, it is perhaps a place to start to discuss these things where both men and women can actually read about what is going on and understand better than they did before, why some women "stay"... I have always known that both sexes need to understand that it is not so simple for people to just up and go... It's not necessarily about lowered self-esteem in the victim... Nothing is nearly as cut and dried as those who have not been "there" would have others believe... So, it's a start...
As you did this morning, I have received a number of p.m.'s on this subject by some very broken people and by some of the strongest survivors I have had the good fortune to meet. By and large, what many are saying is that they appreciate that the truth is being told by the posters to this thread. For many, it's identifying the "elephant in the living room" that a lot of society continues to ignore .
I am sorry to hear that the lady you heard from has come to the point where she is giving up her training and walking away from a system that is so desperately in need of people that care. I understand her distress because I have also spent some rather horrific moments of not knowing if I was going to be able to contain my lunch at the sight of the pictures I am working with to put into evidence. There is nothing so heartwrenching as to be sorting through pictures of a woman with her head kicked in by some lunatic's pointed cowboy boots... or the pictures of a baby who's been beaten by a wooden spoon... or... well, you get the idea... I long ago had to come to peace with whether or not, I could continue to work in an area that left me sleepless and heartbroken many many times through the years... but then, I think.. why not me?
There are some people doing some amazing work in the area of domestic violence but I heartily agree - there needs to be a lot more concern from those whose lives might have room for one worthy cause. I wish for that... | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:13:56 PM | I haven't been in that situation exactly, but pretty much the same thing. My husband wasn't ever drunk when he was abusive though. He only drank once every few months and was actually probably nicer after he drank.
He was just NATURALLY mean. Started out with verbal abuse, then a few months later he started getting more violent, holding me down and putting bruises on me, etc.
It was a doctor's office who helped me out of it. They saw my bruises, asked where they came from and I wasn't going to lie. I told them. So they called the police and they came and took him to the police station, I got an EPO and I haven't seen him since...though he has tried to contact me since then, online and by phone. Then his sister called me. I hung up on her...and then he came to my mom & dad's house and was banging on the doors and trying to get in so I called the sheriff and he had him put in jail, only for about 3 days though.
And to answer the question of "why doesn't she just leave?"... it's not that easy. I believe you can probably usually get out of it if you REALLY want to, with help from a doctor, the police, your family...someone... but it might take some time, you'd have to be secretive about it, and you have to be 100% sure that's what you want...my mom & dad wanted me to leave for awhile because they knew about everything, but they said they couldn't come & get me unless I told them I definitely wanted them to...which I did, but at the same time I was also confused, and he kept telling me he would change...which I finally seen that it was a lie. Most things people say ARE lies... I trust no one anymore and for good reason. I did have my family move me out twice while he was at work...ended up going back both times...the 3rd time, he had quit his job[to "guard" me because he was afraid I'd leave again] and I was going to have to leave in front of him. So me and my mom had a phone-code...he didn't even want me to talk to my parents...but I said NO ONE is keeping me away from my mom & dad! and one night I kinda hinted that I wanted to leave and she asked if I wanted to...I said yes. And she asked if I wanted them to come get me & bring the sheriff(in case he got violent)...I said yes. So things may have worked out that night(or not) but my mom called back, my husband answered and my mom made the mistake of saying "I need to ask Shauna something" so he gave me the phone-- my mom said she couldn't get ahold of the sheriff--where's the law when you need them most?  But as soon as I hung up he asked what she wanted to ask...I couldn't think of anything to say so I said nothing and he got mad, started yelling and I had to tell him... "I'm leaving, they're coming to get me" and he basically made me tell them NOT to come...he dialed the number and gave the phone to me and told me what to say, standing over me with his arms crossed & the evil look in his eyes and I didn't know what to do so I just went along with it.  If our apartment had been on the first floor I would have went out the bathroom window or something that night. If I hadn't been pregnant I probably would have jumped out either way & risked breaking my leg or dying or something. It got to the point where I didn't care much about anything anyway. But the next day is when I went to the doctor and they helped me out. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 5:17:41 PM | shauna13,, Are you sure that was a man you was with??
Whatever he is, he isn't a real man..
A real man will protect his woman. Not beat on her.
I never found a reason to beat on my ex-wife..
Not when she cheated on me or for any other reason.
REAL MEN DO NOT BEAT ON WOMEN.!!!! | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 6:39:29 PM | I agree about not pulling one, when not intending to use it. I know that, have been educated on that. In this case, I was on my own property, not anywhere else. Sometimes, I practice at home. I never pulled one, it laid across my lap, while sitting on my own property that he was already illegal to come upon. Now if he did start to pull into the drive at that time, I would have quickly pressed the cell, 911, because he would have broken the law at that point and prepared myself for safety.
In all honesty, when someone goes through this sort of thing, one gets to the point that they don’t think about the things asked, like breaking in to the house, etc.... The system was taking many months to get anywhere, and in that time, I had to fix the wires on the air conditioning unit in which had been pulled apart, ripped out along with a few other things, plus the constant 24/7 harassment. I was getting to the point of what can I do legally, to make this cease. I was endlessly thinking 24/7 of, “What can I do, what should I do.” Sadly, people who have never experienced these situations, find it hard to have a clue of what it does to a person and how hard it is to have to wait it out, for something to be done. I did what I thought best, and lucky for me, that worked for one part of it, still did not stop the phone calls though. But at that time, I got to the point, where I was fighting for my peace, worried of my safety and that is an unexplainable feeling. I did start changing things to where it was nearby impossible to know if I was home or not. Being in charge of my own schedule was great for doing that and never was consistent, very hard to keep up with and I did a few other safety things too. I did what ever it took to survive the madness, while keeping everything else going as it should. That was not easy, by any means, but I was determined not to let the good things in my life go south because of someone else’s mental mind.
Why do people stay in a bad situation? I’ve seen a lot of answers to that and I really believe there are only opinions given, and the only truths, will come from those who do remain in a bad situation. There are so many different people in this world and therefore, so many different explanations.
All I know is one thing that I wish to be so and that is the wish that all people, knew how to love and tainted love, was no where in the dictionary of human minds. Then there would not be forums written like this, because no matter what, it sure it not a pleasant one at that. But here in reality, unfortunately, it is a pure reality and therefore, thank goodness for people talking about it, cause we might just find some solutions from doing so. But back to the wishes, if all people knew how to really love, then all of us would not have to learn how to protect ourselves from all this evil, “Crap”. Crap is what is, because that is what it amounts too, absolutely nothing else. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/22/2008 9:26:53 PM | we are mean to each other ~ stop it ~ grow up ~ or stay away from everybody until you can. ~
I've been around contrary women ~ maybe even mean one ~ but they always knew I'd never take abuse. ~ I found a big plastic trap in the closet once ~ wtf is this for? ~ a wesson oil party? ~ sent her packing ~ that was just one of several signs ~
You dealing with a wild one ~ you got to stay awake.
I was working in an attic a few years back ~ they had a pull down star case.
at the top on the attic floor was some carpet pieces to rest on ~ a few bowling ball and a baseball bat.
Now ~ can you read the signs?
Dance | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:32:12 AM | Thanks Silkenfire, if there is any consolation that I can offer the men and women out there that have walked away or are considering it, is that through these situations we have the ability to personally grow in strength and character. We learn that the only one who is ever going to truly take care of us in this lifetime are ourselves. There is an understanding born of that which many don't have the experience to profit from. If we can take the opportunity to learn from these situations and apply that knowledge and growth to future relationships, we could well meet the partner of our dreams and never, ever settle for less.  | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:30:26 PM | Wow ! ! Girl, you should do post long posts. Sorry, but I just couldn't read all of them. Anyway, if a woman is abused, whether emotionally, physically or financially?? She needs to get out! ! Period. I have been there, all three, and it sure isn't easy, but you do what you have to do for your own sanity, and for your kids. Problem was, I could get help for the other two, but not when it was financial abuse. To legal aide?? It didn't leave marks, so it didn't count for them to help me.
Just thought I would put my two cents worth in. Hope it wasn't too long.
Take care and good luck to anyone that is suffering through any type of abuse. God didn't make any garbage and we need to realize we aren't: and we do deserve the best this life can offer us.
If this posts again, I'm sorry, but I had misspelled a word and hadn't noticed before. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:33:53 PM | Wow ! ! Girl, you should do post long posts. Sorry, but I just couldn't read all of them. Anyway, if a woman is abused, whether emotionally, physically or financially?? She needs to get out! ! Period. I have been there, all three, and it sure isn't easy, but you do what you have to do for your own sanity, and for your kids. Problem was, I could get help for the other two, but not when it was financial abuse. To legal aide?? It didn't leave marks, so it didn't count for them to help me.
Just thought I would put my two cents worth in. Hope it wasn't too long.
Take care and good luck to anyone that is suffering through any type of abuse. God didn't make any garbage and we need to realize we aren't: and we do deserve the best this life can offer us.
If this posts again, I'm sorry, but I had misspelled a word and hadn't noticed before. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:04:59 AM | There definitely is a lot to read.
So many women I have met, do not believe in the "system", nor do I.
Women are being killed by husbands, boyfriends, exes, etc, after numerous calls to the police, and restraining orders, etc. Then the courts happily give the children to the men that did this. I get physically sick--seriously--when I hear another case.
Young women who are in relationships with these men really have no knowledge of what abuse really is until they are out of the situation and get counseling, which often doesn't happen until something so bad happens that someone else steps in or finally convinces the woman to leave.
I believe there are a few men who can be abused by the women, but so many men are using the system against the women who have been trying to protect themselves or their children.
It is ridiculous. Are we really a civilized society? | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 1:27:34 AM | | No I wasn't taken seriously when I went to the police. I was 7 months pregnant with our 4th child. He came home drunk yet again. It happened to be on my birthday and he was going to take me out for dinner. I waited and waited and when he finally came home he could barely walk or talk. I was disappointed that we couldn't go out to celebrate. I rarely got to go out, so i was looking forward to it. He then became very angry. He proceeded to physically attack me. Trying to push me down the stairs. Pulling my hair. Choking me. And holding a butcher knife up to my throat, threatening to cut me up in pieces. All this in front of our 3 kids. I ignored his rage. I packed a suitcase. I called a cab. Left the house with all 3 kids. He chased me down the street. The cab finally came and took us to a hotel. The next day to a woman's shelter. My sister came and picked us up and took us to Saskatoon. We talked to the police. Told the whole story. Tried to get a restraining order. The police refused my request saying that he lived 3 hours away and was no threat to me or my kids. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 1:44:07 AM | | Nebula, women are more likely not to press charges on their spouses or bf's. They are scared for their lives if they do. Their spouses threaten them, with anything from killing them to kidnapping their children. They feel they have no choice. This is why i didn't press charges. My husband said he'll take the kids and go to Mexico and I will never see them again. This terrified me more than losing my own life. I couldn't live without my children. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 1:55:19 AM | You ask why didn't she just leave. I can tell you, and this is straight from the horse's mouth because I've been there, done that and have that tee shirt. You may never understand why because you are a man and you have never been beaten down unto submission. It all starts before they physically lay a hand on you. It is a mind game that is played to beat you in to subversion of your mind, your being and your thought process. The begining is, as in all most tragedies, good and that is what makes the end so horrifying. You are treated good, you are swept off your feet, you feel loved like you have never felt loved before. And so you love back, and then it begins. The critizims at first are small and may even point at things you want to change in yourself. But they do not stop, everyday there is something else that you are doing wrong. Then it grows, not only is it that what you are doing, but what you are not doing. For instance, you spend all day cleaning and you feel good about what you have done. He comes home and notices that you have cleaned. He may or may not say something nice, but he will say "I noticed that you cleaned, why couldn't you have done the laundry while you were cleaning." And that continues. Then time frames start changing, not only do you not do it right, or enough, you didn't do it soon enough. Then he begins to call you stupid. Not outright, of course because that is not his style. He wants you to question your intellegence. He says "You know better than that",
"Just think about it and you know I am right", or the more bolder "How can you be so dumb". By that time, you don't do anything right, soon enough or even enough and you are stupid. Then he incorporates how worthless you are and that you should be thankful you have him because no one else would want you. While all this brainwashing is going on he begins to loose control of his temper. Little flares at first, then they grow into outright seethings of hate and anger. The worst part is that you never know what causes it, so being the victimized person you have become, you believe that it something that you have done. But the harder you try not to irritate him, the more irrational he becomes and the bigger the blowups become and the physical abuse begins.
So why not leave? Because you have become brainwashed into believing you are worthless, stupid, incompent and generally like the lowest piece of scum that he has scraped off the bottom of his foot. You have no where to go, no one to turn to and you know no one can help you. So what else is there to do but stay.
For over 40 years I was a strong, intellegent, independant and confidant woman. Yet this was done to me and that is what I became. I was lucky. We had insurance and I found someone to help me relearn what I was. But most women are not that lucky. Additionally, there still exists today such a stigmatism about seeking mental health treatment. If you seek help, not only are you the above, you are now crazy.
You ask why a woman would stay. Sir, that is why. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:21:22 AM | Why do (some) women stay?
for the kids.
I know it goes against what some people think but let me share my situation....
When I stayed with my husband, his violent psychotic rages were 99% aimed at me. If he did become violent towards our daughter, I could physically step in and take the beating for her, so at most she might only get hit once or twice.
He eventually got bored of bashing me and moved in with someone who I thought was a close "friend" (a woman who knew he'd been bashing me, sometimes, quite badly for six years when she began her pathetic affair with him - not to mention she knew about him abusing our daughter and despite having a daughter the same age, she couldn't care less - so it probably makes sense when you then hear she had her daughter taken from her due to her abuse - she thinks violence and abuse is acceptable in relationships). And then exactly what I thought would happen, did happen.
He went from not wanting to spend a second with our daughter despite me begging him to, he suddenly was demanding 50/50 custody.
Despite his long and sordid history of bashing me for years, including hundreds of police call outs, several domestic violence orders and further convictions for violating those orders - including the last one where he plead guilty to bashing our daughter in the head (the reason I asked him to temporarily move out and why he ran off with one of his many mistresses), the family court in it's infinite stupidity have granted him unsupervised access to our daughter every second weekend.
I stayed because as long as he lived here, he wanted nothing to do with our daughter, and had me to use as his punching bag and I could step in and take the beating when he started belting our daughter around. Now our daughter has no such protection.
He lives with a women who has said she thinks bashing partners and children is "normal" and "acceptable" and "everyone does it" (maybe in her f***ed up world tey do, but doesn't make it right or normal). She has threatened to harm my daughter herself and has said on multiple occasions that if he bashes our daughter, no matter how badly, not only will she ignore it, but she will actively cover up whatever he does because in her twisted mind, if you "love" someone, you cover up their violent acts against their children.
My daughter has gone to their hellhole twice now and each time has come home traumatised. She hasn't been bashed yet, but she's been subjected to other sorts of abuse. Each time she has come home and had an asthma attack because they insist on smoking with her right beside them. And the list goes on.
He has actually admitted in court he smokes drugs EVERY day and at a rate which is quite high (although still only 20-25% of what he actually uses and doesn't mention the pills he pops - or the fact he lives with a woman who is a junkie who abuses both illicit drugs and prescription drugs and alcohol). He turns up to pick up our daughter absolutely high as anything. Yet the court won't order drug testing - nor will the cops get off their lazy butts and arrest him for drugs.
So despite his 15 year history of drug use (only getting off when we were dating/engaged to trick me into marrying him), his long history with the police for bashing me and more recently his history with them of abusing our daughter, the fact he lives with a psychopath who had multiple and long hospital admissions last year for her personality disorder, a psychopath who thinks partner bashing and child beating are acceptable, a psychopath who has had her own daughter the same age removed from her due to abuse, whose own parents don't think she should have her daughter, not to mention his personality disorder and psychoses, the violent sudden rages that come from nowhere and the paranoid delusions he suffers from.... all of this and the stupid family court has granted him every second weekend with working towards equal shared custody....
the department of child safety know his history and won't do a thing. they know the history of the women he lives with and despite their insistence she can't have her daughter, won't stop her from being let near my daughter despite her serious threats made against my daughter. they've said that one of them has to be caught abusing my daughter again before they'll step in - now considering both of them will cover up for the other, and my poor little girl is only six and has communication problems due to the previous abuse and doesn't even report abuse (she got bullied at school for more than a year before myself and her teacher found out because she won't speak up when abused), the poor little thing won't even say she is being abused and no one else is there to speak out.
this is why i stayed despite years of serious abuse, including having my husband tried to kill me and the many many times he tried to deliberately leave me alive but with injuries meant to put me in a wheelchair.
because my poor little girl is in grave danger. because every second weekend i worry to the point of vomitting about whether this will be the time i get the call that she has been beaten to death or is "only" seriously injured.
as long as is stayed with him, she was safe.
i'd die to save my little girl, taking a beating every couple of days to protect her from being the one to get those beatings, is a sacrifice i'd make any day.
i can't speak to why some other women stay - i've been through many different reasons myself. at first i thought it was only a once off, then i thought a good wife stays no matter what, part of it was because when i went to the cops, when they were cooperative all they did was give him a fine for the violence which he forced me to pay for him (with threats of "if you don't pay, i'll go to jail, without my income you'll end up out on the streets" which sadly was true because the injuries he gave me at the time stopped me from working). but towards the end, when we moved into a different area, different cops, he conned them into thinking he was the victim - even when they could see my injuries they were the ones to make up excuses for him ("oh that's just an old injury" even when my GP confirmed it was not). I went through a period where I was scared if I left he would kill me - even the first time he ran off with a mistress he was threatening to kill any man who even looked at me - and me if I looked back.
But in the end, it just came down to the situation I am now - our courts here don't seem to care about a man who bashes his wife and kids and who admits to heavily using drugs and who lives with a child abuser who has had their own child taken away. my daughter is in danger and neither the legal system or child protective services will step in and do anything.
that's why i stayed - because my daughter is in grave danger and I have no options - except to go on the run with her, because if I don't hand her over to him, the police can arrest me and take her to him, which gives him even more power the next time we are supposed to go to court. And going on the run is no life for a child, even to protect them from a violent pair of monsters.
Hope that answers why some people stay. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:36:32 AM |
So many women I have met, do not believe in the "system", nor do I.
Women are being killed by husbands, boyfriends, exes, etc, after numerous calls to the police, and restraining orders, etc. Then the courts happily give the children to the men that did this. I get physically sick--seriously--when I hear another case.
I believe there are a few men who can be abused by the women, but so many men are using the system against the women who have been trying to protect themselves or their children.
That's why I stayed despite years of abuse ( see above post) - my husband bashed me for years and started in our daughter and yet the courts have handed her over to him and his abusive mistress who had her own child taken away because of her abusiveness.
As for the bit about men using the system (and yes this does go both ways and isn't just men vs women), all too often abusers like my husband manipulate the police and courts into pretending he is somehow the victim - even when they could see I had massive injuries and was recovering from surgery that left me completely unable to do anything, they still believed his pretense of being the victim. Even with medical reports from my GP about the injuries, they still fell for his lies.
The system is set up to help the abusers and further victimise victims - of either gender. and the system just keeps getting worse. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:51:49 PM | Hiya folks. Sorry for the sour attitude in my last post. After all this time there is still pain left. But enough of that! I was very fortunate to find a counselor who was able to help my boys and myself get through the mess. At first she would have them in for an hour or so but one day they all asked me to come in. At first I foolishly didn't as I felt she was just going to rub my nose in my stupidity. Oh how wrong I was! Since they were doing well and adjusting to their new and unwelcome change in life I gradually came around and sat in on a visit. HOLY S**T my sons lambasted me! They remembered every foolish thing we had done to them and they put it in my face. OK! NOT what I was expecting but they're my boys; I'll do or withstand anything for them. They then DEMANDED (they were 10 and 7 then) I account for what I had done and why. Sitting dumbfounded and feeling somewhat betrayed I considered what to say. I looked to the counselor for a hint and saw steel in her eyes but then she smiled and told me to tell the truth. So I did. That was a 3 hour meeting that went a very long way to heal the damage we had done to our boys.
I have since tried to get my ex to seek counseling and speak of these issues with them as I did but no dice there. MY ex still has a poor relationship with her youngest and an awful one with the oldest. This is slowly getting better but it has been 10 years and should be much better than it is.
Don't just go to some building to find help! Ask your freinds, workmates, ANYBODY but find someone who can help you. You will be surprised at how many good people ar out there waiting. We all think we can do it on our own but too often we need help. Please find someone you can talk to and don't be ashamed to get help. I hope this site can help you understand our situation a bit more:
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html
This wonderful woman died shortly after the meeting I had with my sons 10 years ago. I took off work and took the boys to her funeral. The world lost a good one that day.
But if there is one good here then there must be more! I am so lucky to have had her touch the hearts of my boys and myself. I truly hope all of you wounded can find a true healer like I did. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:13:12 PM | Something to think about..did you guys know that there have only been 7 cases in the States where a woman snapped after being abused 20 YEARS and got free without jail sentence.
A man CAN STILL abuse a woman and put a murder on her and receive a life sentence-no chair!!!
In many cases where a woman has plenty of proof about the constant abuse by her spuse/bf she will receive the maxium sentencing if God forbit she harms her man in anyway!
It is so URGENT that a woman leaves ASAP after the intial attac.I was LUCKY I knew about this situation with the law and women in abussive relationships ,before he laid his hands on me.I could have killed him in self defence yet being a woman the law would have pinned it on me.................he was also smart to the point where he went to see his councelor with self made bruises on him.......he had his alaby ready ...he wanted to kill me for my life ins.
THE LAW NEED TO STATE -DV IS A CRIMINAL ACT AFTER THE SECOND DV IN HIS/HER RECORDS ,WE SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE THEIR NAMES POSTED IN PUBLIC RECORDS WITH CHILD MOLESTORS.EASY ACCES TO ANYBODY!!!!!!!!! | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:47:19 PM |
The day I cop out to something I didn't do would be the lowest day of my life.. See you in the box is what I told em.. As I look back on it I should've and could've done a lot of things different and I might not be in this predicament right now.. But no matter what I did or didn't do, there is no exscuse for her to lie to the cops because I wanted out... Thenks for the vent session.. I don't talk about this much...
I think many of us would make the same choice in your shoes Traviskow. I also would not plea bargain if I knew I hadn't done something but it's harder than hell to prove that something didn't happen or that we didn't do something... It's very hard to prove a negative. On the other hand, I hope you'll make every effort to provide the prosecutor with every morsel of evidence that she is habitual for this kind of behavior that you can possibly lay your hands on before the trial. Between truth itself and evidence in support of that truth, you will probably have a far better chance. Copping to a plea means in most cases that you are going to plead guilty which then leads to a conviction... and a criminal record. That last little gem can get in your way for the rest of your life. I hope this goes fairly for you...
If I hadn't been pregnant I probably would have jumped out either way & risked breaking my leg or dying or something. It got to the point where I didn't care much about anything anyway. But the next day is when I went to the doctor and they helped me out.
That's quite the story you have to tell Shauna... I am sorry you were put through that misery! I am so glad to hear that your family doctor stepped in... It must have been Hell for your parents to have to watch too...
The system was taking many months to get anywhere, and in that time, I had to fix the wires on the air conditioning unit in which had been pulled apart, ripped out along with a few other things, plus the constant 24/7 harassment. I was getting to the point of what can I do legally, to make this cease. I was endlessly thinking 24/7 of, “What can I do, what should I do.” Sadly, people who have never experienced these situations, find it hard to have a clue of what it does to a person and how hard it is to have to wait it out, for something to be done.
That's the thing isn't it? People that have not been through this kind of 24/7 fear don't understand that the help that is often offered by agencies or expected from our police departments either shows up too late or doesn't come at all in those locations where the system is simply spending as little as possible in the area of domestic violence. If you've never been there, you don't understand... and if you have been there, you never forget...
But here in reality, unfortunately, it is a pure reality and therefore, thank goodness for people talking about it, cause we might just find some solutions from doing so. But back to the wishes, if all people knew how to really love, then all of us would not have to learn how to protect ourselves from all this evil, “Crap”. Crap is what is, because that is what it amounts too, absolutely nothing else.
Well-said SeaHorseShells... "Evil can only exist where good men do nothing!" | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:41:09 AM | | Why don't we leave the first time it happens? I've asked that question of myself over and over again. Why didn't I leave him? I was a confident, pretty, intelligent woman when I met this man. Over time, the abuser takes that away from you. He will tell you how much he loves you, how he will always be there and never leave you. The good times are so good together, the bad times are dark and horrible. As a victim facing going to court to testify against him (Aggravated Assault) he put a butcher knife to my throat and threatened to kill me because I wasn't home when he called, I now understand that clearly I was his victim and that is why I stayed. | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 1/18/2009 9:16:23 AM | Two posts by Silken Fire on this thread:
Msg 3:
What good is [self-defense training] going to do when he lights fire to your house in the middle of the night?
Msg 79:
Now mace, a big dog and self-defence classes, I am all for...
Now I'm confused..... | |
|
| Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you?
Posted: 1/18/2009 9:32:01 AM |
Now I'm confused.....
Okay... lemme see if I can help you with that... I think that victims of violence need to take every step they can take toward being able to protect themselves such as keeping mace close by, having a big dog and taking self-defence classes... BUT it isn't enough. All of those steps may give us some chance to get away when we are in danger but they are not enough.
We NEED the legal decision-makers and the courts to get serious about assessing people who are, in particular, repeat offenders... especially when they're up to their old tricks.
Since I initially started this thread, a young lady and her tiny son who were family to my son-in-law, were brutally murdered by someone who years earlier, received a 6 year sentence for stabbing someone to death. The reports of their deaths read that the accused was "well-known to the local police". If the guy had breached is parole since his release, why the hell wasn't he sent back to prison?
I hope I've clarified your confusion... | |
|
|
| Page 4 of 5
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
Home
login 
