| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:38:56 PM | "the human psyche, and how it "pre-wires" or sets a "template" in our brain "
5 minutes won't tell me favorable "chemistry" ... but it will tell me if there is repulsion for whatever logical or illgoical reason. If we have been emailing a bit - I tend to prefer to meet sooner - then there has probably already by attraction building, so a cold shower reaction is less likely. If we have been mailing a lot and the face-to-face reaction is dramatically different than virtual, that is a cold shower. All the worse for how unexpected it was.
My GF met a guy recently from PoF and she and our other GF were both very physically attracted. I wasn't, but that just speaks to our difference in templates. I likely wouldn't have been attracted to his picture, either. If I got to know him well, then other factors may have superseded the visual indifference. I'll not know cause he's dating my GF and that puts him forever off limits to me. But it would apply to anyone else not dating a friend. So, visual indifference can be discounted via other attractions; only repulsions of any kind .. physical or otherwise ... cannot. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:47:27 PM | I think there is more to it than instant chemistry. Some people I know date men that really like don't even like. It is better than sitting home on a Friday night. So, on that note, some people are interested in getting to know anyone, whether they are truly compatible or not.
I look at a profile and can tell a lot about someone based on what they say or don't say. What is in the background of the photos the post? If they say (and I see this a lot) " like doing everything. I keep busy and like new adventures!" What adventures, what do you keep busy doing? If they can't elaborate, then I don't have the time to find out. So, in that way,I do look for the instant attraction based on the information they are providing. If they can't bother to give some insight into who they are, then maybe there is not much to tell, or you end up having to pry everything out of them. Who needs that? | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:48:34 PM | I look for instant chemistry...but to each of us 'instant chemistry' may mean different things. And, yes research does strongly suggest that people (both male and female) can form accurate impressions of other people within the first five minutes of meeting. Also, over time the original impressions of people do last. However, we do have personal biases... mine is for beauty :)
For me, chemistry means that I'm not only attracted to the person and that I feel comfortable with him. Comfort is just as important to me as the physical attraction. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:52:11 PM | Such is internet dating, I’m afraid – its like a virtual “candy store” and there may always be *better* candy in the next display case over!
Yep, it's a buffet and most are very picky eaters. 
So, what says the POF community? Are you looking for that "first 5 minute fireworks" and is it a total showstopper if its not there that quickly?
~OP~ You know me, a thorn in the side.  I have to have it. Once it happens to you and you know it's out there, it's something that sticks with you. I suppose had it not happened to me one time in the past, I wouldn't know what it was ~ but it did and now ~ there is just no way around it. My"instant" turned into marriage and had fate not dealt some really bad cards ~ I wouldn't be here now because that instant click never did change/disappear/lighten/etc. It was there until the end. That was a long time ago and yet I still know in the core of who I am, when it's ALL there, I know it. I had never felt that before, nor since. I'll probably never will feel that again, hence, I'm not looking for forever and definitely NOT marriage. A boyfriend might be nice to have one day ~ as long as he does his own laundry, I might be able to live without that instant "OMG" thingie!! LOL  (I did say 'might'!!) 
(Nice to see you OP!!)  | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:57:34 PM | I think I am landing more on Dallas Flyer's side.. on this one..
When I say chemistry I am not talking about "lust".. I am talking about that spark of rapport.. and for me it is very similar with males and females. It is the kind of rapport you strike up in friendships.. and you have an instant liking for someone. Every man I have ever had any kind of relationship with started out this way.. then as the friendship progresses the sexual attraction takes place later.
Now not all men I have an instant rapport with will develop into anything remotely akin to sexual desire..
Usually if I meet someone and have an instant sexual rush with them.. I usually move the other way because to me that does not signify a stable relationship.
I really prefer this method of screening because it enables me to open up to anyone that I meet..
But my answer would be no.. I do not demand instant sexual attraction when I first meet a guy.. just a rapport of some sort. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:59:01 PM | Well, it used to be a showstopper for me... but it's not anymore... It wasn't the first 5 minutes but it was during the first meeting that I would know whether or not someone was interesting to me... And it wasn't based on looks but on how they presented themselves... Nervousness aside...
Now.. I'm so much better. If I like them, I know right off that there's something wrong with them so now, I 'm gonna gravitate to the ones I don't like...
See? I can swing with the pendulum... I just can't find the damn middle!!! | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:00:57 PM | strong connections begin with the male brain not the female brain so women demanding instant chemical attraction are really saying .. " I will be able to tell if you are into me ." Not all females get that right either as some perceive an attraction where one does not exist for the other,either male of female. Chemistry as in first impression attraction is albeit beneficial but deep chemical phases of attraction,sexually, emotionally and protectively only occur with successful mutual desires of intimate coupling where both parties proceed to develop greater bonds through acting in ways to develop layers of emotional depth; i.e. to be attuned to their partners "whole being" needs. ( PS interestingly alot of serial killers claim to have stalked their prey by suggesting that they had strong chemical attractions to their victims, chemistry can be deadly. )
I am personally more inclined to believe in the age old element that all of the long term loving couples I know who said that when they found their mates it was not distinguishable in words or in attraction or lust it was that they just, " knew". | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:01:08 PM | OMG! You equate chemistry with lust! Wow.. that to me is not at all what chemistry is, it is endless conversation that goes on effortlessly, laughing at the same kooky things, having common interests and yes, there is that elusive attraction that has more to do with the endorphins you release than the actual physical characteristics you find aesthetically pleasing to your eyes...
Perhaps you OP were emitting some signal that cued them onto your values, ie., SEXUAL CHEMISTRY! | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:23:57 PM | TxSip! I don't believe it does equate straight to the sexual tension and attraction either. Even more elemental....is that what drew you FIRST, got you interested deep down, motivated you to engage the conversation, get acquainted and open ones heart...with the attendant other levels ensuing. Sexual expression, for many of us...is necessarily, and properly, modulated by many factors that probably transcend the initial "chemistry" that engaged us...open us to entertain so much more. Sure, many of us act on that immediate "sexual desire" (whether from rampant hormones, challenge and conquest, novelty, loneliness...many factors here..) but upbringing, mores, societal decorum, risks all can dissuade that until other levels have been established. Otherwise, we might hopelessly" fall in love" with the transgender, alcoholic, HCV-carrier, sero-positive cab driver and not give 2nd thought to basic survival. (hey...just a hypothetical example. no barbecues please)
Its neither instant "rapport", although that certainly can be a component. Its not the compelling way you can talk till dawn and wonder why it was so brief. Its more than finishing each others sentences, other shared commonalities. Although...often these ARE realized...
Doesn't it ALWAYS require that we are drawn to do so first? Before any of those...
the decision, i believe is made. Maybe down in the pons...or somewhere in the recesses of our higher CNS cortex.
So..what IS it that draws us to turn the page and pursue/permit? There is undoubtedly SOMETHING to this "chemistry" deal... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:26:57 PM |
My thoughts are that what most define as the (instant) chemistry they’re looking for is just another word for “lust” and has little to do with long-term compatibility.
I don't agree at all. The second time I had that instant chemistry, it led to a 14 year relationship that included a 12 year marriage. The third time it happened was a 2 year relationship with almost no sex at all. So I think you are seriously misinterpreting the kind of chemistry the rest of us are talking about. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:35:07 PM | | Heartseekertrue....well said! And one can post all the patronizing garbage they want about chemistry seekers...the inescapable fact is that it exists and has nothing at all to do with being 'bitter' or 'immature'. And if you aren't looking for it, you are denying your humanity. And settling for less. And those women going out with men on Friday night whom they don't even like are an example..and truly pathetic. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:40:44 PM | | I read somewhere online that you form your opinion of someone within the first few minutes of meeting them. How two people relate to one another is just as important as the chemistry factor, which is just a fancy word for sex appeal. LOL | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:45:05 PM | I can tell if I'm going to be interested in someone for more than one meeting in 30 minutes tops. Having said that, if anyone wants to have another meet/date and I'm not keen I'll do it anyway...I want to be sure I've given it a true go.
I truly do have to say that most of us have a good idea if there is any potential for more in a very short time. It's not just physical...it's an emotional connection of sorts. It's intangible. I prefer not to flog a dead horse...if there's nothing there I won't pursue another meeting, but I don't refuse one if they want to give it another go. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:45:37 PM | Sex appeal.
For a man having the right sex appeal is essential. Lust is a component of chemistry but so is intelligence. A successful man will have a right combination of chemistry components. It's all about balance.
Men really need to make sure they are being true to themselves on a date and not trying to follow some "Gentleman" or "Nice Guy" roadmap into Frustration City.
O | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:48:11 PM |
I don't agree at all. The second time I had that instant chemistry, it led to a 14 year relationship that included a 12 year marriage. The third time it happened was a 2 year relationship with almost no sex at all. So I think you are seriously misinterpreting the kind of chemistry the rest of us are talking about.
Unless I'm wrong here, all of these ended. So, they weren't really life time commitments. Which I think is the point of the OP's post.
Lateef | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:51:27 PM |
So..what IS it that draws us to turn the page and pursue/permit? There is undoubtedly SOMETHING to this "chemistry" deal...
I am reminded of my best friend. She began dating a man at church who she thought was nice. She didn't think anything would happen between them but started going to lunch with him on Sundays after church. But she discovered that he made her laugh and she enjoyed his personality. So that was that rapport I was talking about.
Now they are considering becoming engaged and she has fallen in love with him..and now there is definitely sexual attraction.
So you never know.. I have been observing this evolution in her life.. since we were running buddies. It seems like all my running buddies end up getting married and alas I have to find a new one hahaha..
But you are right heartseekertrue.. it is a mystery.
Some say that women are attracted to men based on ferenomes that they will choose a male based on smell and that indicates that the man's immune system is matched well with hers to give their off spring the best chance of survival.. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:05:43 PM | Begs the question lateef...how do we determine which relationships are NOT based on some little-understood "chemistry" phenomenon?
And then...do THOSE relationships (if they could be identified as non-"chemistry" based attraction) last longer?
complex question indeed...how would such be proven using scientific/empirical/repeatable/observable methods?
Difficult designing such a study.....
Beginning question might be:
...what factors are present at the beginning of those relationships that don't "end"...
...is there anything that smells like "chemistry THERE? | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:10:54 PM | | I don't know about "chemistry," as long as she doesn't split my skull and rob me I call it a successful date... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:27:50 PM | | If you want my 2 Cents. I think there is possibly a misinterpretation of the word chemistry. There can be chemistry in a form of lust........geez, I would jump his bones kinda feeling..... I don't think that chemistry is the right kind to have for a lasting relationship. Then there is a really strange kind of chemistry......when the person you meet is not at all what you are "used to" physically but there is an undeniable draw to that person. Something you can't ignore but can't quite place what it is either. Depending on what you are looking for in life, both feelings have their time and place. I believe anyone looking for long term relationships are way better off not having the lust chemistry but rather having that undeniable attraction that they can not put their finger on what it is and why it is. The more mystery, the better the relationship. | |
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| WHAT is "chemistry "
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:29:53 PM | lol beaugrand...reminds me of my chemistry prof..
if it moves, its physics,
if it booms, its chemistry,
if it stinks, biology!
And Java....methinks you nailed it. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:33:15 PM | TxSippiGal, your first post interprets "chemistry" the same way I do. I think people often use the same word with different definitions in mind, chemistry being one of those words with varying meanings among people.
To address some other posts, I don't think a relationship has to last "til death do us part" in order to be a successful relationship. I realize some people look for that and feel failure at anything less, but I'm not one of those people. To me a successful relationship is one in which we are both happy together and growing and developing together for some period of time, then peacefully part as friends when we stop being happy together or when one person needs to move on in a direction the other person can't happily go. My life goal is for serial monogamy, not til death do us part. So what the other poster comments about his experiences I do read as practical advise from his real life successes in relationship.
I know instantly when I meet someone if I'm turned off by anything about him (such as his grooming habits, his smoking, his breath, his height, his weight, etc.). I wouldn't call that being about chemistry, but some women might use that word to describe it, and that may be what some of the women meant in ads you saw. Again, it's a word that means different things to different people. For me chemistry would come up after I decide I'm not turned off by quick observations about him and then I start engaging him and seeing what it feels like interacting with him. Is he easy to talk to? Do I like making eye contact with him and do we both tend to keep looking or do we avoid eye contact with each other? Do I feel satisfied and relaxed talking to him one-on-one or do I think of how to end the conversation and scan the room for the next person I want to talk to? Do I want to sit within a few inches of him as we talk, or do I feel more like I would prefer a table between us?
My feelings on issues like these tell me how much chemistry I feel, and if I don't feel it at a first meeting, I'm unlikely to want to see him one-on-one until I do. If I've met him within a social circle I would keep chatting with him at parties and creating the possibility of such chemistry developing. I'm already at the party and so is he, so we wouldn't have to go out of our way to give it a chance. But when you meet someone online it isn't like that. You get one shot to evidence chemistry or the other person is unlikely to want to devote another evening to a date with you in the hopes it will be fun the second time even though it wasn't the first. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:38:46 PM | I don't know Obsidian,
Instant chemistry reminds me of the reactions you get when you mix baking soda and vinegar, or sodium and water. Chemistry is great, but I look for common interests and attitudes. I hadn't made the connection before, but it does sound like "chemistry" is, to some extent, mutual desire.(lust, if you will) | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:40:11 PM | Isn't "chemistry" the latest buzz word? Before that it was "soul mate". I hope the next one will be something like "personality required"... one that is actually meaningful. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:08:38 PM | | Ibelieve that the look in a persons eyes will tell the truth about LOVE, I wonder how many people out thier share this belief, Also why are woman who lost thier husband due to death, afriad to let go of the past.??? thank you | |
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| WHAT is chemistry
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:43:28 PM |
if it moves, its physics,
if it booms, its chemistry,
if it stinks, biology! ...and if it's hard to follow, it's calculus!! | |
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