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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:42:49 PM | I think the proof is in the pudding. Most of the people who are basing their relationships on "chemistry" are citing multiple relationships as proof that it works ...lol Hello, you are, by your own words, showing how "chemistry" doesn't work in the long term.
Having two, three, or more short term relationships where you "clicked instantly" is proof that it doesn't work. If it did, you'd still be with that person and would not be on POF.
If someone tells me it's raining but I don't believe them, all they have to do is point out all the drops of water falling as far as the eye can see for me to change my mind.
Lateef | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:45:10 PM |
Having two, three, or more short term relationships where you "clicked instantly" is proof that it doesn't work. If it did, you'd still be with that person and would not be on POF.
I still believe that it works. What doomed the relationships afterwards were other things. Ultimately, the relationship that lasted, was one that started also with instant chemistry. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:53:59 PM | Beware of instant chemistry. Let your amber light flash!
If the chemistry is purely a physical reaction to your attractiveness or sexiness, then I would call it shallow but kinda normal in the "boy meets girl" kinda lust.
However, if someone falls head over heels for you and they barely know you, know this -
they are falling in love with their own imagination and not the real you. They are very likely emotionally immature. I wonder what the general age of women demanding instant chemistry is. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:06:45 PM | That...projective ideation, though uncorroborated, unsubstantiated...is probably the shiniest bauble in online dating.
Methinks most folks are MISSING the fact, that when you give someone a day, week, month...10 dates whatever..to "let the feelings grow",
the CHOICE to entertain a further relationship sufficient time to develop...
is itself based on an immediate decision. I posit ....the initial decision...is based on an sub/unconscious cues we are not cognizant of at all. Call it what you might...
Tis another matter entirely to fall head over heels in puppy love, throw your immolated self over the altar of LOVE...and hardly know your prospects middle name...
rational beings assess MORE than the immediate "spark", "chemistry", "interest"..semantics aside....but the spark...that burned down Atlanta....was struck. DO you fan the flicker prematurely, hoping? Or ignominously stamp it before the conflagrationconsumes you? The conscious mind....decides...THAT decision...more properly..takes somewhat longer....and THAT ensure some longitudinal success. Or not...love offers few guarantees other than it may end...as mysteriously. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:59:33 PM | | I don't believe in wasting a man's time or money, I know within 5 seconds if the spark is there. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:23:47 PM | No one knows in the span of 5 seconds if there is chemistry there or not. You can know in 5 seconds if there is physical attraction or not, so I suppose that could be considered chemistry in a vague way.
However, it does take time to get to know someone. People don't just open up automatically. In fact, when you first meet someone you are on your "best" behavior and hence are hiding certain parts about you, your personality or other things that may not be so "attractive" and would otherwise doom the date or the other's outlook upon you. Do i believe that you should have a strong physical attraction? Heck yeah, but who really wants to be with someone with whom they have perfect chemistry with? What a boring relationship that would be..... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:39:17 PM |
I don't believe in wasting a man's time or money, I know within 5 seconds if the spark is there.
Yep, and "the spark" is nothing but animalistic lust based on physical appearance, pure and simple. After all, what else CAN you know about him/her after 5 seconds? Other than *maybe* a "hello" you haven't even heard them speak in the first 5 seconds, let alone come to know much of anything else about them - other than what they look like physically. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:47:31 PM |
"the spark" is nothing but animalistic lust based on physical appearance, pure and simple.
...rather a gross simplification. Many times, the person that elicits that 'spark" mnay not even present with those "lust" characteristics typically sought...
this is but a SMALL component of what the subconscious mind assesses in actual micro-milliseconds.
Geez, we only have about a 100 billion neurons. Think our conscious minds use them all?
In that first sighting...and touch, sound, smell...untold simultaneous processing beyond comprehension fire away...and then send the signal. SCHWANG! BUT, who in their right mind is going to hitch up without doing some rational cognition? Very few is my guess...usually hormone addled less mature brains i suppose.
I am pretty certain..even before you get past "HELLO ...", you have already made the decision to get to know her better.
BUT...that "instantaneous connections" presence, or determination its not present, has already apprised the rest of your CNS.....and probably some extremities lol..autonomics, general interest, increased acuity of vision, sharpened audio input, even gustatory and olfactory perceptions. Not to mention increased heart rate, respiratory rate and rhythym, posture, body language, vocal tonality, (remember puberty? or that squeak when SHE glances at you?) increased epidermal vascular flow, thermo regulatory shift, ...moist lips, dry hands, axillary hydrosis, ...the list is long. But, every cell in your body...is targeted on HER. Trust me, your body and brain do not conduct this symphony for every woman that comes close enough to you...whether its across the room, or within personal space. Nor for every woman you date and schmooze. Now, do people settle? Oblivious despite or inspite of these biological factors? You bet,...but why?
But when it does trigger within you , and you spend sufficient time to make that conscious cognition....after determining she is not a psychotic ax murderer who eats her babies...you my friend, are HERS. Love, resplendent, uncontrollable,... nothing will stop you...(even the TRO hahaha)if everything is functioning. Single-mindedly, almost with insanity, you will pursue her....
and, if capable, and worthy, she will be your conquest, IF she lets you!
If however, this one turns out to NOT be the one....you WILL see her..again..and again.
In different women..naturally. There is not just ONE that has the matched key to your "biology" trigger.
More properly, given the MHC/HLA and accessory vomeronasal receptors being stimulated by pheromones. Much study has been done on this....and its quite fascinating.
Some of us are hyperomic, with sensitive olfaction. Women, during ovulation not only emit more of these phase-change aromatic compounds, but also begin to exhibit markedly more sensitive smell.
And your dance begins again...
....takes some of the romance out of it doesnt it?
but then again, so does grinding through unending dates with mates that DONT trigger this.
Me...i prefer to "smell the roses"....and such sweet beauties they are...but beware the thorns! | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:54:35 PM | I didn't have any spark with my guy when I first met him. And after a few dates, I backed off. After about a month or so with not seeing him, we started dating again. Not sure what made me change my mind.
But I can say this goes hand in hand with the thread the other day about "learning to love someone". I am learning to love him. Every time we spend time together, I learn something new about him, and see him in an even more positive light. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:55:42 PM | I disagree if you can make a "Spark or no Spark" assessment in 5 seconds that posits the spark is purely based on
physical desire. You precious little data to attribute it to anything else IMO.
O | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:07:57 PM | Again, given modern hygiene mores, artificial scents, cultural and dialect, even physical racial differences (please no one flame me...its not my intent to pass any judgments on anyone), as well as our "tamed" lives...not to mention inculcated judeo-christian mores with attendant shame/guilt complex...often we are not consciously aware of the switch, and may actually deny it consciously, trying to be "good", careful, whatever descriptive you apply.
Axillary and pubic hirsutism or depilation, presence of ancillary apical aweat glands in some races, genetic and traumatic factors negatively impacting some of the sensory input and ensuing processing...as well untold other confounding factors, make some people nearly "immune" to the effects.
I provide no data; simple redux of what the data indicated. The scent business..is huge..
and the human desire for attractiveness drives all of it....for data, search for the studies. This is straight out of A&P textbooks. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:06:11 PM |
I didn't have any spark with my guy when I first met him. And after a few dates, I backed off. After about a month or so with not seeing him, we started dating again. Not sure what made me change my mind.
Wow. A woman that will actually give a man a chance to get to know him. In my experience that's pretty rare.
Women that are having trouble finding the "man of their dreams" could learn from this. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:32:26 PM | | if you don't have the physical attraction, then you've got yourself a companion. if you have the physical attraction, but not friendship, then that's just lust. lust you know immediately, friendship takes time. bringing the two together is the hard part. ~~ | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:22:14 PM | a 5 second spark is purely physical, how can it be anything else. even 5 minutes, your mind will fill in the blanks to either reinforce how you view the person, either positive or negative.
sparks are great for those quick shags | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:28:41 PM | hey dallas flier,
interestingly was just discussing something similar on another site today.
it's an interesting question.
i think one of the real issues in online dating is peoples' sense that there must be exactly what you describe, an instant chemistry thing, which i suppose means an instant certainty that you are attracted to this person and "into" them.
that's a problem because it takes time, imho, to get to know a person and thus to know whether or not you're into them or "feeling" them in that way.
one of the things that happens in online dating (and i might be guilty of this myself, dunno) is that people write each other off instantly (for lots of reasons, some of which are silly and small and unimportant) so that what ends up happening is that they find themselves interminably single and wondering why.
it's just one of the many things about online dating that makes me feel it just doesn't work...
better to meet someone spontaneously and unexpectedly so that you are both just being yourselves and being "real."
ciao.
~merf. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:51:26 PM | I dont think you should judge on 'instant chemistry' , but you can tell on the first meet, or date, if you are attracted to someone.
My last serious relationship, he saw me the minute i walked into the bar, , he came over, asked me to dance, wouldnt take no for an answer, and we danced all night long...... He was not "my type", he was very intoxicated, but he was so persistant, and just so cute... he would not let me leave his sight.
His wonderful personality and his big heart, made the chemistry "grow" immediately. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:21:49 PM | I don't believe in wasting a man's time or money, I know within 5 seconds if the spark is there.
As stated by myself and other posters on this thread / other similiar threads etc, the only things you can determine within 5 seconds or even within 5 minutes are pure physical attraction and maybe some obvious dealbreakers. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:25:31 PM | Chemistry is so vague & undefinable...I think it boils down to "one of the people must really like the other one. (let's call it a He.) He pays attention to her, makes her feel good about herself. (which is what all people need most of all). Thus she enjoys being with him, and falls in love with him!"
But if neither of them feels all that strongly or is that interested in the other, the relationship never goes any farther. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:27:31 PM | | It is the hazard of being faced with so many options, and such a large pool of people at your finger tips. I do think it could be a waste to write somone off it conversation does not flow immediately but I also think there is nothing wrong with waiting for that person that is right for you. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:33:22 PM | | I've actually found chemistry to take a few dates sometimes so as long as there are no huge alarm bells I usually give someone a few chances. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:35:07 PM | I find it interesting, reading through this thread that it seems to be mainly the men who are saying "give more than chemistry a chance" or that "initial chemistry must = lust".
Personally, if I'm not attracted to a man sexually in some way, then that's usually something I can tell PDQ after meeting him. Doesn't make it lust, doesn't make it shallow..but if I'm not initally attracted or feeling that "zing", it just means that while I might value his friendship, I just don't see myself ever sleeping with him, although we might become great friends. I'm sorry, maybe it works for some people, but it's never really worked for me that I meet someone, have no physical attraction whatsover, but think that "chemistry" might grow further down the road. To each their own though.
It doesn't need to necessarily be some kind of crazy thunderbolt our-eyes-met-across-a-crowded-room kind of thing....but there definitely has to be some kind of sexual chemistry for me. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:09:20 PM |
I find it interesting, reading through this thread that it seems to be mainly the men who are saying "give more than chemistry a chance" or that "initial chemistry must = lust".
Thats because most men learn from the missteps they make in their dating lives. If a man meets a woman that he has instant "chemistry" with and that relationship turns out badly, the next woman, and every women after that he takes his time with. Whether he feels a spark for her or not. Plus, he will give women that he previously found boring more of chance to shine.
Some people (men and women) are boring as hell when you first meet them because they are shy. As they get to know a person is when they open up and begin to be fun to hang out with. The more they come out of their shells, the more attractive they become. Just relying on that "spark" will cause you to miss that.
It doesn't need to necessarily be some kind of crazy thunderbolt our-eyes-met-across-a-crowded-room kind of thing....but there definitely has to be some kind of sexual chemistry for me.
Yeah. 'Cause sexual chemistry is something everlasting. Bodies change, people change. Some of us get tired of having sex with the same person over and over again. By your logic, when your body changes and there is no longer any "sexual chemistry" for the person you're with decides to find a younger version of you, then that should be OK.
Now, I'm just picking on you with that one. But, the point I'm trying to make is sexual chemistry is something changes or may leave altogether. And, I'm not talking about someone you find repulsive or unattractive. I'm talking about those people you say, "He's/ She's cute but not my type" or something like it. With that said, eliminating someone just because you wouldn't have sex with them on the outset may not be the best move.
Lateef | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:54:52 PM |
if you don't have the physical attraction, then you've got yourself a companion. if you have the physical attraction, but not friendship, then that's just lust. lust you know immediately, friendship takes time. bringing the two together is the hard part. ~~
Well said katg88
I really have never heard the word "chemistry" so overused and overgeneralized than when I came on POF. Hell I have never heard of so many people so uninformed of their own emotions and how they work within themselves than when I came to POF. I read these posts and just kept shaking my head. How can these people live in such a black and white world as this? They try to oversimplify something they can't understand to the point where it is something they "feel" within 5 seconds now. That is funny.
I look at it this way. When I happen to run into these folks, I look at it as a natural filter. Why would I want to be around such a person who that unaware of themselves to the point where they are no better than a dog who chases their own tail and can't figure out why the can't catch it. I too am overgeneralizing but I figured it had to be that obvious to fit into the "black or white" world some people live in.
I am glad the proportion of people in the non POF world seem to be a little more aware. If that wasn't the case I would probably have a permanent bruise on my forehead from endlessly banging my head against the wall.  | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:57:01 PM | All well and good but have you never encountered someone for whom you felt little attraction perhaps because he's a little shy and awkward around women and has never developed the seduction skill set, or even revulsion but then you learn something about them that indicates that there might be a lot more to this person than meets the eye ie. he is an incredibly talented and highly regarded actor or musician or artist that has not yet made the front pages or the six o'clock news, or he is a Doctor with Medicins sans frontiers, or they are loaded and donate a lot of money to children's charities and spends time mentoring them, or he is a world class dancer, or he possess some other gifts which he does not like to mention because it would come off as boasting ... how did you feel about them after finding out one of these nuggets of information or if this has never occurred to you then how do you think it would feel. Perhaps none of that matters to you but you surely you feel you deserve the best but if there are qualities that you might desire in another person that cannot be detected within 5 seconds of meeting them, then perhaps it would be wise to take the time to see the total package on offer.
I believe we can know in an instant whether or not we want to shag someone but then it may take some time of learning more about someone to know this and it certainly takes more than 5 seconds to know whether or not you want to share your life with someone and I know this from personal experience. Nevertheless, I am still prone to instant strong feelings attraction though I don't allow myself to be blinded by those feelings ... people who do are a con man's dream as there have been many women and men swept off their feet by good looking, unscrupulous smooth talking seducers and seductresses who have bilked them dry ... after reviewing some of the writings and seeing some of the videos of those in the so-called seduction community I know, there are people out there who are very good at flipping the attraction switches and although most of them are decent, some are lowlifes with nefarious objectives so it is best to mot let instant sexual attraction play too large a role ... unless it's for me in which case you'll be just fine  | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:03:07 PM | That instamacy can not only lead you astray it is really quite dysfunctional in my humble opinion.
I don't know if this has been said, but the thing is what you're instantly attracted to is not only the cut of his shoulders or that glint in his eye, it's also his bad qualities too.
People have a hard time understanding this, but it's one of the reason why a woman will say she's gone out with one loser after another who had the same annoying habit of let's say hitting, or yelling or drinking.
Unconsciously, you are attracted to this person because you've got issues you need to work out and it's only the people who we find physically attractive and emotionally appealing that we'd bother with because emotional work is so draining.
But of course we all know that most people won't even do the work, which is why so many divorce and break up.
Now when I have instimacy, I take a step back and wait for the other traits to reveal themselves.
Everyone has bad traits, so what's the problem?
Well if you hook up with someone who is invested in not growing and not changing his bad traits, then that instimacy will not be able to sustain the relationship for long.
Where once you loved her smile and though he was so charming, you just feeling she's fake and he's manipulative. | |
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