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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:30:18 PM | Sorry sweetness-one, but I have to chuckle at your post. You say "attracted to a man sexually in some way" and "definitely has to be some kind of sexual chemistry for me" but then try to argue "Doesn't make it lust..."
Have you looked at the definition of lust? Yes, what you wrote IS basically the definition of lust, pure and simple.
I still maintain, almost always by the time you meet someone for the first time - particularly from the venue of online dating - you've emailed multiple times, likely spoken on the phone multiple times, and have made the decision that there's attraction there. The only thing that can change that upon meeting in the first 5 minutes (or 5 seconds as some have claimed) is lust. Nothing else has changed from the attraction you felt while emailing and talking with that person - except visual, animalistic lust. Everything else is the same (unless the other person has obviously lied about themselves in terms of age, physical looks or other things - that's a different issue entirely.) | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:40:16 PM |
think the proof is in the pudding. Most of the people who are basing their relationships on "chemistry" are citing multiple relationships as proof that it works ...lol Hello, you are, by your own words, showing how "chemistry" doesn't work in the long term.
And about 80% (guestimation) of those posting here don't believe in it and many of them (or even most of them) are single as well. Go figure!!!  (In addition, I said it happened to me ONE time, I've had more than one relationship. Must have missed the chemistry part, because he was my LAST and BEST relationship.) | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 4:59:20 AM | I just wanted to give a thanks to realzenartist for his pasting Kanika Goswami's information, insights and wisdom in message 88.
It is thee most interesting and useful thing I've read on the forums over this last year. Thanks for sharing it!    | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:05:17 AM | Lol you're right, DallasFlier, I just reread my post too and it does sound like a boneheaded comment doesn't it, lol. My bad, I was tired. What I should have said was, it doesn't make it JUST lust, I think chemistry is about more than just physical attraction. I sometimes find threads like this a bit odd though, so many people claiming that looks aren't important to them, at least on SOME level. A person may not be attractive to everyone, but he would definitely need to be attractive to ME or we would just end up remaining friends, simple as that for me. To each their own though.  | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:07:58 AM | I think most men tend to develop attraction over time and most women sort of know within about 8 minutes if they're into you. Perhaps a lot of women assume men do the same...so they figure it's fair to say that.
I see a ton of threads about a guy with a female friend that he's known for YEARS, and became attracted to. This isn't a common occurence with women (unless we already had an attraction in the beginning and just didn't act on it).
I'm not looking for anything, really - but if I meet a guy and don't have any "lust" or "spark" for him in the first 5 minutes - then it's not ever gonna be there, so whether there's chemistry beyond lust there or not is sort of an irrelevant point.
If he's compatible with me in all other ways, but there's no attraction - then there's nowhere for it to go. I have NEVER grown into an attraction to anyone in my life. If it's gonna be there at all, it's there right from the beginning. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:08:32 AM | | I don't care what anyone thinks, I am not wasting my time on men I am not attracted to. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:16:36 AM | Thats honesty: waste not anyones time unless you have the true desire to invest further time and emotional equity.
What i believe is being missed by some here...is that "attraction" is not exclusively visual/physical.
We humans are far more complex than that. Heart, mind, body....each need calls to be fulfilled.
Listen to the inner voice, that will never steer you wrong.
You may lie to your heart, but truly, if you listen, your heart cannot lie.
....the body might desire; the mind might assent rationally that these 2 needs can be easily fulfilled.
But the heart, silent, screams in unheard whisper. Do you hear it?
seek to hear...and answer the heart. The other two...will be strangely...also fulfilled... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:39:04 AM |
I don't care what anyone thinks, I am not wasting my time on men I am not attracted to.
I know several people who said that they were not initially attracted to their partners. Over time, as they got to know the person the love and attraction grew. Several of these people have gone on to long and happy relationships and marriages.
If you are looking for a LTR, perhaps you could give people a chance even though there are not instant fireworks. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:08:27 AM | And about 80% (guestimation) of those posting here don't believe in it and many of them (or even most of them) are single as well. Go figure!!!
Maybe that's because other people REJECTED them due to lack of instant chemistry. Therefore there wasn't any way to determine if chemistry would develop over time. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:11:22 AM | I just want to clarify my earlier post-to me chemistry is just a starting point.
I have had chemistry with men who were terribly suited to me and I did not pursue it...just because I have chemistry does not mean I will change my lifes direction and go off with someone who is totally wrong for me...it is just a starting point. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:13:40 AM | Yup!!!
and i think...we dont even entertain that further consideration...unless the subconscious trigger has been pulled. or not..
just my tuppence... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:52:42 AM | What a great topic! I agree with you, DallasFlier, that chemistry can grow over time. Those who dismiss someone because it isn't there the instant you meet have misplace priorities and are pretty shallow. While there has to be a certain "click" that says I am interested in you, it doesn't have to be a big rush of sexual excitement, just and opening of a door to possibilities.
I find some of the best connections I've had are where that evolved over a few weeks of dating. The disastrous relationships I've had have always been where I leapt at the first blush of sexual excitement and stayed longer than I should because of it. That energy is about strictly chemical attraction and can be very misleading.
Still, of the men I've met from online meet-ups I would say they decide right away if you are attractive in the way they want. I've had the feeling as a guy walked toward me that he had made up his mind by the time he reached me, before we had even talked. Sheesh, I'm certainly attractive enough not to deserve THAT kind of behavior.
I do think men usually - not always - make more instantaneous decisions about attraction or attractiveness. Yes, I know there are shallow women out there also, but studies have shown that the visual cortex of a man's brain is more active than a woman's. Hence men are more visually cued than women. I have found this to be the case in regard to my women friends who all have a wide range of men whom they have found attractive - different body types and features. Of course, a man can learn through experience that this hard-wiring of his brain is not the whole truth and I've known men who will take time to get to know a woman whom they aren't instantly attracted to but whom they end up finding attractive. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:27:09 AM | | People have touched on this but I think that chemistry is multi-faceted whereas lust is strictly sexual. General attraction and chemistry is a feeling of excitement and opening up. It includes feeling rapport, a certain familiarity, curiosity, a sense of comfort, and it can include sexual attraction as one component. But the sexual piece can emerge a bit later while the more nebulous sense of overall attraction and receptiveness to the the person which comes from a complex interaction of factores has to come right away. It is the feeling of excitement at meeting this person that most of us need to feel right away in order to continue. I often refer to it as an opening to possibility and the excitement comes in part from not knowing what is going to happen but having the desire to find out. Add to this all of a person's longings and hopes, their previous history in love and their family history and you have the stuff that fuels lust. While we need some lust, a real relationship is built on all the other stuff that comes with relating to another person. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:27:25 AM | Excellent Thread and its been great reading to enjoy with coffee as here in Canada we celebrate "Canada Day", to my US acquantances I hope you will enjoy your Fourth of July Weekend.
Back on topic.......as dating is all about preferences and totally subjective, its hard to figure out what "chemistry" means to each different person, when different people are looking for different things. For the person seeking sexual conquests, then lust could be the definition. For someone wanting "arm candy" to be seen with, the definition would be all about looks/priviledge/success. If someone is lonely and desperate, the definition would be "alive and breathing". All definitions are correct.
I have noticed that people get carried away with the speed of light that this environment of email and instant messaging provides. It takes time to know someone and in the course of a few days, we become very familiar with a stranger and begin to create an "image" in our minds that reality has no way to match in person. So, I think as wonderful as this medium is, its a double edged sword, and can be defeating as well.
I believe that there has to be a mix of physical attraction, character attraction, intellegence attraction, and comfort level determined by that first face to face meeting. From there you can decide to continue and see if there is compatability and mutual desire to spend more time together, in having that first date. In my mind, every great relationship started from that first face to face meeting, open and honest expectations from each person, and the mutual desire to move forward. I think its more about finding someone with the same interests/desires that you seek. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:32:16 AM | Happy Bussking Day my friend! Ottawa...too many years ago...
as wonderful as this medium is, its a double edged sword, and can be defeating as well.
Yup, we oft get to expect immediate, electronic instant mouseclick gratification. have some of us even forgotten to laugh?
spelling instead L-O-L even in face to face conversation?
aint it just a bit more involved and messy than a mere scroll and click.... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:50:34 AM |
If you are looking for a LTR, perhaps you could give people a chance even though there are not instant fireworks.
Fireworks? What do you mean by 'fireworks'?
I know exactly what kind of man I want, I see no point in wasting time with anything else.
You can call me shallow because I disagree with you, I'll keep my opinion of you to myself. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:59:35 AM | Instant Chemistry is not bad.
There's something about that nice vibe when that woman is looking into your eyes and locked into your conversation. If the man feels the same way then you have the love equivalent to hitting a Vegas jackpot.
Plus I'd rather she knows she's "feeling" me early rather than making me than subject me to the vicissitudinal machinations of dating.
O | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:01:25 AM | I'm surprised that this topic gets the airplay that it does.
When, it is actually such a simple concept. And only gets distorted when people seem to bring it all down to thinking that chemistry equals lust.
We can actually connect with just about everyone we come into contact with...on some level. Whether it's a friend, the mailman, your neighbor across the yard, or the gal that works at the grocery checkout.
Chemistry occurs on levels of mind, body, spirit....not necessarily in that order, and not all three ingredients are present in five minutes, or in every person we meet.
But, we usually know if we want to spend more time to get closer to someone...yes?
The best relationships I've had, and continue to have, with both men and women...I could tell rather quickly that something would develop...either friendship...or a romantic encounter.
hmmm...come to think of it....I've never spent five minutes with anyone..haha
and , if someone were to judge me..and who I am in that timeframe, then so be it. It really wouldn't matter, or trouble me so.
For that would be more of their projections of how I 'seem' through their glass, then of who I really am.
Clearly.
peace people
`````````````````````"Kimbo```````````````````````` | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:02:25 AM | Quite frankly, I think too many women have either read too many Mills & Boons stories, or were fed too many fairy tales as children.
Any man I meet, I want to get along with first, as a friend... everything else will fall into place, if we like each other enough. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:22:49 PM | i think that most people tend to be seeking instant gratification or an easy fix. online dating is like catalogue shopping for a mate, and there's always the lure of a newer, shinier model. but i would hardly say that women are the only ones guilty of expecting instant chemistry...guys are just as bad. there are plenty of men who will invest weeks of flirting and conversation, meet once for an hour or two, try to get in your pants, then never call or follow-through with a second date -- why say you're going to call, then not do so? if you're not interested, have the balls to say so, rather than lie like a coward.
so, OP, men make instant judgments too...pretending they don't is delusional. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:31:18 PM | I think they mean love at first sight.
I believe you can fall in love with someones looks at first sight but never the person.
It can take a very long time to get to know someone fully.
Some of the best looking women I have met have turned out to be the most selfish, self centered and hard to live with people I have ever met !
Give me an average looker with a heart of gold anyday. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:40:39 PM | I agree Crazycurlz - yes men do that too. I think the men that do that are pretty much looking for a quickie tho. Men who are looking for more long term are more apt to become attracted to someone over time.
I think they mean love at first sight.
Ick...I don't. Assuming I can actually find someone I like enough to even date, and they even pan out that long with no dealbreakers after the fact, it takes me at LEAST six months to fall for someone, and another year to deal with the fact that I did or tell him I did.
I think it's more like the initial attraction/lust (and actual chemistry which is that lust combined with the ease of communication and being comfortable around someone - the feeling that a person "gets" you, an effortless exchange).
I believe you can fall in love with someones looks at first sight but never the person. It can take a very long time to get to know someone fully.
Of course it takes a long time to know someone fully. That has nothing to do with the initial "jolt" you get from someone you're attracted to. And it keeps getting repeated and then ignored, but attraction ALONE does not a relationship make. OBVIOUSLY you should use your common sense and look beyond attraction to see if there's anything else there worth knowing.
Some of the best looking women I have met have turned out to be the most selfish, self centered and hard to live with people I have ever met !
I refer Falling Ember's post in another thread - if you found physically attractive women to be that way, you got involved before you looked deep enough. You got carried away with hormones and didn't use your head. It's no wonder you (and anyone else who stopped at looks alone and accepted it as a package to get involved with) discovered that.
Give me an average looker with a heart of gold anyday. Not all unattractive people are wonderful and not all attractive people are terrible. Both attractive and wonderful can be possible in the same person, if you have the patience to wait, the perseverance to hold out for what you want and the common sense to do your homework. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:43:05 PM | crazycurls, I hope you didn't aim that "delusional" comment at me, but I guess you did. I'm sure you're right that just as many guys do it, and I don't think its any less shallow for them either. Nowhere did I claim that its only women who do it, but I'm not reading guy's profiles or trying to date them, so my personal experience is with the ladies. ;-)
Now, a general comment - again, there's tremendous differences between all the different things that people are calling "chemistry" in this thread. Again, I doubt there are ANY relationships where the couple don't claim to have "chemistry" or they wouldn't be together! The only thing that I'm saying, and still believe - is that the "instant" chemistry that some (male and female) insist on, is nothing more than lust or physical attractiveness. Despite some poster's talking about all the "stuff" that our brain processes from touch, smell, taste, etc etc etc - I'm sorry, you don't process all that "stuff" in the first 5 seconds. You haven't touched them yet, you haven't tasted them, and if its smell then you're falling for a cologne or perfume, not for a person. The only real "input" in the first 5 seconds TO process is physical looks, even in the first 5 minutes.
My opinion - if I've spent time getting to know someone via email, telephone, etc - and SHE has spent equal amounts of time getting to know me, then she's worth more than 5 minutes of my time to decide in person if there's any chance of a connection. The only exceptions would be if there's been obvious deception in the profile upon meeting - age, way old pics, etc. Otherwise, that's just downright rude - and they're not only shortchanging the other person, but shortchanging themselves. Again, that's my OPINION, and I acknowledge that others may disagree. Any profile that talks about the "instant chemistry" thing goes in my reject pile. Que sera... | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:50:32 PM |
DJChickie:
I refer Falling Ember's post in another thread - if you found physically attractive women to be that way, you got involved before you looked deep enough. You got carried away with hormones and didn't use your head. It's no wonder you (and anyone else who stopped at looks alone and accepted it as a package to get involved with) discovered that.
Wow, you just pretty much echoed the point I was trying to make in my original post. Getting involved before you look deep enough, getting carried away with hormones and not using your head, stopping at looks alone - that's exactly the definition of "instant chemistry", just the flip side of the coin. | |
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| The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:52:07 PM | After chatting via messages and eventually making a plan for a meeting, the guy wants a picture....so you oblige then he says "I don't mean to sound shallow, but......so now there's no meeting. I don't even get the first 5 minute fireworks....I'm shut down before I say a word to him. I was willing to meet without knowing what he looked like...it didn't matter to me....it was just a simple coffee.
Or after chatting via messages and eventually making a plan for a meeting, I wait patiently at the destination, and 1/2 hour goes by and he's a NO SHOW.......that was a simple coffee date also.
THIS ON-LINE DATING IS SO IMPERSONAL....A picture and a profile do not make a person I guess...... I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GUYS ARE ON POF IF THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO MEET.
Can someone enlighten me????? | |
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