| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:52:59 AM | This is the first time anyone has done anything like this to me.
We are in our 14th year together with a lovely daughter.
I am just trying to make sense of things. It probably doesn't make sense to be here posting but it is helping me get my bearings.
It is just good to know that this place isn't strictly about infidelity.
Like I said, I don't know, it just helps. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:32:44 AM | I liked what christi66 said about not her not wanting to be on a site like this nor her mate or committed partner. That's true for her, and most of us when we are in some kind of committed relationship. That's called morality. That said, the first woman that I dated after my split said that she had been approached many times by married guys on and off sites like this. I had just gotten out of a relationship that had lasted 1/2 of my life. Neither of us were unfaithful, just stuff happened.
She said a wise thing- that these guys wanted to have the security of the life they were leading, even though they were not happy, for whatever reason. They just didn't want the emotional and financial implications of a divorce that I had experienced. They wanted the excitement of a new relationship (undoubtedly sexual as well) without the costs involved. It's obviously wrong, but but some people are weak or just plain weasels. I believe that's the technical term.
I think that I quoted the old Homer and Jethro song elsewhere on one of these forums: "You can't have your Kate and Edith too." Sad, but the song IS kind of funny. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:54:03 AM | I once met a woman here that presented herself as single.
We hit it off and lived together for six months. I thought I had found the one.
While talking to her oldest daughter I discovered that She was still legally married.
I confronted her about this, Not because she was married, but that she lied about it.
So soon after that, she left.
When her profile later appeared again on POF (indicating single) I contacted Admin explaining the situation.
The next day the profile was gone.
Good Riddance!
Tom | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:27:33 PM | Hey cowgirl
Dont tar us ALL with the same brush, my profile says single and I am single, in fact never been married ha ha
Take it easy
P | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:40:41 PM | | Some of us are committed in a marriage where many vital things are missing. I am married..but I have needs that have gone unmet for more than 20 years. I thought it was my fault for the longest time. Quite accidentally I met someone who showed me what I had been missing..and NO, it was NOT my fault. I love my husband and have never refused him anything. I'm the one who longs for the sex life that many of you have out there....but do not have it here at home...so...I'm here....looking for others who are in committed relationships...who would not hurt their spouses for the world...but who have needs that have gone unmet for many years. I know...I should probably be the sacraficial lamb....and go without...but, for God's sake people...once you know how wonderful great sex can be...what's a gal to do??? | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:58:47 PM | ^^^^^ perhaps try to tutor your partner? I think there are people out there( not pointing the finger at you) that say they have poor sex lives but never discuss the problem with their partner. MOST people, if they love their partner want to please them. But they have to know how.....too many people expect their partner to 'magically' know what the other needs--not always the case
Poepl who 'wouldn't hurt their spouses for the world" DO NOT cheat. Period | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:10:02 AM | I just don't get it!
I have heard from a married man who approached me on POF, after I asked him if he was a happily married man:
"No, I am not happily married ......... but I do love my wife".
I just don' t get it.
As P.E.T.A said and others here ...... (and I am very glad to see that there are some respectable people here on POF) ...... discuss it .... learn from each other ..... share with each other ......... explore and investigate together ..... it is fun!  make it fun! ... isn't this what marriage is all about?
The way I see it, if one is married and going here or elsewhere for "sex" and companionship ........ the relationship they are in is just not a married relationship. Great "sex" comes with great sincere love ......... Nobody "needs" to stay in an unloved relationship ..... although I realize that many still do.
I realize that many people do stay in such a relationship for reasons already stated here on this thread ... financial security ...... for the children ........ avoiding the divorce "fight" .... of course these people are the "weak" people. Each person decides how they want to be .... weak or strong ..........
Each must make their own chioices in life.
But, I still don't get it ....... there is still much help for the "weak" to get through this.
... and then some people are just not monogomous ...... these people should not be married! Period! 
... and let's not forget the "gold-diggers" ... both male and female ..... if they too are not monogomous ..... then they too should not be married .
... but alas ...... reality is not perfect ...... and there will always be those who live a very dishonest existence ....... we just must get better at spotting them!
... if one is married and on here on POF for the furms legitimately ...... then this is great! ..... their contribution to these forums are very valuable ...... they show sense and stability that is lacking with some singles .......
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:29:33 PM | Good question. It is bizarre that people who claim that they are deliriously happy would be hanging out on a dating site and going to singles events. 
I am not buying it. Something is definitely wrong with THAT picture. Methinks that it means that everything in the garden is FAR from fine. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:54:22 PM | hey i got on this site 3 years ago i deleted my account a few times.I don't go to singles events and i don't date its people like you that has made me delete my account.i have made friends JUST FRIENDS HERE i enjoy chatting here to people from all over this is america right??????? time for some single people to chill out maybe thats why your single | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:58:04 PM | Nope hunni - you got that wrong the majority are in a LTR of some kind, either married or living with someone and out for a bit of fun on the side.
Singles are a rare thing on this site, they (the ones in a loving wholesome life long relationship/marriage) all come here for the chat in the forums and friendship so we are told over and over again in the forums are you trying to say that some of the couples are not telling the truth 
HIGHLIGHTS MSG 31, see OP there is one who is up front about cheating on her husband and there will be lots more who have all the best excuses in the world for being on a singles site, looking for love.
Can tell you one thing for sure, as a friend of mine did, if I caught my man on a singles site, he would so be in the rubbish bin where he would so belong but then as it was pointed out by someone who is married, thats why I am single and she is married CUTE COME BACK wonder what her man thinks of her on a singles site? | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:19:03 PM | I went to a local POF party last night and began a conversation with a man that was with our group, come to find out he is married. I asked him why he was on a singles site and why he was at this event. He told me his wife was at home and that she just did not like to go out and do things. He told me he was just trying to make friends. Well, within an hour he had "hooked" up with another member attending the same party. They were making out like crazy at the table. I got up and left in disgust!
I see this morning that his profile is deleted. Either he got what he wanted or I am guessing his wife found out.....
My question is this, Why get married if you can't be faithful? | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:21:53 PM | I had found that a large number of the very aggressive people on POF are married or in a committed relationship. You can tell because like someone else said, they don't have a picture up. But it's not always the case that a pictureless person is married. The biggest thing I found were a lot of profiles where people preferred not to say their marital status. That is a tell tale sign also. And also, another sign is when they keep changing their story when chatting with them, or the things they say are not very consistent.
Also, I'm widowed and have been in the dating world for 12 years. I am not a serial dater by no means. But I have found that a lot of people are currently dating someone but don't admit to it, because they are looking for an "upgraded" model of what they have. Some people will not leave the current one they are with, until they have first found someone else to leave them for. They need a "security blanket" in place before they leave. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 39 | |
| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:35:46 PM |
I know...I should probably be the sacraficial lamb....and go without...but, for God's sake people...once you know how wonderful great sex can be...what's a gal to do???
Ummm, well. Let's see. How about talking with your husband? Seeking some marital counseling (if he won't go with you, then go alone)? If you have children, how about providing a stable home for them until they are ready to go out into the world? Or...how about looking into the future, and making long-term plans should divorce become an option? Learning to live independently and happily?
I've been accused many times of being too independent, and I think that's true to a large extent. However, I will never understand this wail and moan from married people. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:20:32 AM |
I am not a serial dater by no means. But I have found that a lot of people are currently dating someone but don't admit to it, because they are looking for an "upgraded" model of what they have. Some people will not leave the current one they are with, until they have first found someone else to leave them for. They need a "security blanket" in place before they leave.
Absolutely true! ...... for some it may not be a "security blanket" .... and it may just be in order to continue to get "sex" ...... most often that "security blanket" is the "financial security blanket".
This seems to apply to both married people who would like to get out of their marriage, but want someone to go to first! .... or to single people .... who want "a" relationship and will stay in the one they are in .... and continue looking ... until they find something "better" ..... and ironically, very often what they are looking for is better than they are themselves .... this is quite humorous as well as sad!
Zeeba, I too am independent, and will never agree to the "financial security blanket" as a reason to stay with a partner ...... and when they "wail" I ignore them! They are not "doers", they are "complainers" ... not healthy people to be around.
I guess each to their own .... if they decide to stay in a marriage without "great" sex, as some will say .... and get that "great" sex outside their marriage .... and both husband and wife agree to this "outside of marriage sex" ....... I personally am skeptical that this is entirely true ..... and, if it is true, it is a very sad relationship ... IMHO ..... if they can't explore and work on makig the sex "great" and fullfilling for both partners.... IMHO it is an excuse to look elsewhere first to have a partner waiting for them for when they decide to divorce the one they are with ........ or, simply they are people who would like sex with multiple people.
I for one, will remain a zero-man woman until a match comes along who truly is a one-woman man and will not settle for someone or me, until something "better" comes along ..... but truly is interested enough to commit to the relationship with me.
IMHO multiple dating is fine ..... until you start getting intimately involved with sex wtih your "date". To me, that is a committed relationship on the road to either confirming the committment, or breaking it off ...... but not multiple dating with intimate sex with the multiple dates! ..... let alone with the risk of STIs! | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 42 | |
| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:30:42 PM | Right on, naturalenergy! You rock, and I could not agree more with you. I'm perfectly OK with single people dating, and figuring out who might be the right one for you. And, I also agree that once physical intimacy enters the picture, that's a commitment of a sort.
I will continue to be amazed and very, very disappointed at the number of married women and men saying that they are completely justified at seeking intimacy elsewhere, while at the same time not being willing/able/whatever to communicate unhappiness to their partners. Try communication first and foremost. And then, if that doesn't work, there are alternatives (NOT the alternative of seeking other company while still being married, though.) To me, true "trust" is that commitment to your spouse. Remember that you are hurting a lot of other people with -- yes -- your selfishness and self-centeredness. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:29:38 PM |
have made friends JUST FRIENDS HERE i enjoy chatting here to people from all over this is america right??????? time for some single people to chill out maybe thats why your single
Um, Excuse but this is a DATING site. quit your complaining. Pof DOES NOT stand for Plenty of Friends!
How in the world can you be friends over a cold uncaring computer, unless your actually AFRAID of meeting people?
SO let me get this straight.....you deleted your account because someone asked you out on a dating site? How did that happen?
And I'll tell you something else. "Friends" and "Just Friends" is two different things. read my earlier posting on how I feel about that.
OH BROTHER!
Tom | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:31:56 PM | | no tom i deleted my profile because of rude and cold people and yes i have made good friends on this site single and married men and woman alot of them are on my yahoo hey i'm married not dead and pof has a thing to choose if your single or married why is that???????? | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:25:45 AM | I agree with Tom. There are plenty of other sites and chat rooms out there for people looking for just friends. Yes, they do have an area that you can mark "married". Which in my opinion is for those people crazy enough to admit that they are looking to cheat. You also have those people that will marke "prefer not to say". Hmm, I wonder why that is? Maybe to hide from a spouse or bf/gf? I have been hit on by those already in relationships. I finally blocked most of those from being able to contact me.
If you need to be on a dating site for "friendships" Maybe it is time to sit and have a chat with your partner to discover why your relationship with them has gotten to that point. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:22:28 AM | time for some single people to chill out maybe thats why your single
I love the way married people get on their high horse about being on singles dating sites. Perhaps one reason many of us are single is because we are having such trouble finding single people on a SINGLES site. It says right at the top of every page: Plenty Of Fish-Free DATING site!
If you want to screw over your husband or wife for whatever reason you are using to justify your infidelity, go to Adult Friend Finders or a site that is designed for that. Don't come here spreading your nonsense and attacking singles for being on a singles DATING site!
If you are so happily married, where are your happily married friends that are normally associated with happy marriages?
It's one thing if you came on here, met someone, and wanted to continue talking to your friends that you met while looking. We are talking about a whole different scenario.
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vosche
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Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 47 | |
| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:56:23 AM | New to POF .... hadn't realised that up to a 1/3 of people on these kinda sites are married / in relationships (am shocked!) ... are people generally upfront about being in a relationship ? and if they're not, has anyone got tips on how to avoid such people!!
i thought i was clever enough to pick out the users/abusers from the norms...until i asked someone standing directly in front of me how single was he and being told he was VERY single and looking for someone to have a serious relationship with. a day later he comes to me and says "oh, well, i kinda like this one person..ALOT" and want to peruse them. blew me away and every thing i thought i knew about picking out the users/players when it turns out he lied to me while standing in my very presence when i asked him directly what his deal was.
just because it looks good and looks like a deal dont mean for a second its anything more than a visual/verbal lie! and sad but true you cant really tell the users from norms unless you have an opportunity to observe them first hand for a lil while to get a real idea of the person they are...thats why online dating is a big failure for most of us as its the backwards engineering of relationships no matter how you work it | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:59:38 AM | | It is HIGHLY unlikely that someone who is happily married is hanging out on singles sites and going to singles events. Think about it. It makes absolutely NO sense. I love the way some of them come on here and have a condescending attitude towards the singles and put us down about our attitudes. I guess they don't get the fact that people can see right through them. Clearly, if they hadn't "settled" and they were truly in happy relationships, they wouldn't be attemding events for singles and on singles sites engaging in flirtation and sexual banter and fantasizing about who they want to French kiss at singles events. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:06:31 AM |
i think if someone is going to cheat they will anyways its not because of this site just happens sad to say.
i agree, and mabe it was better that you went your seperate ways now...
as she oviousley wasnt happy in the relationship.
so i suppose you would have split sooner or later.
its allways a shame that things like that happen, but they are not allways as sad and negative as they seem. | |
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| Question about married people and POF
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:17:00 AM | Hi tchman,
I believe that this site is what you want it to be and what YOU make it.
It isn't the site that has been misused by your wife,it's your marriage vows. | |
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