| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:25:50 PM | I think it's a good subject.
Personally, I don't think it was your business to begin with, but she's the one who should have told you that. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:26:37 PM | dawg_bite,
Should partners talk about their sexual past?
Yes, they should. I'm not all that concern about how many partners they have had (as I was when I was younger), but I am very concern about whether they have had or have any STD's. But I do agree with you, if she asked how many sexual partners you have had, then she should have been prepared to have that same question asked by you. If she didn't want to answer the question, she should have declined or never asked the question is the first place.
Am I wrong for not taking her back?
Absolutely not, she has lied to you numerous time, why would you even consider it. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:26:39 PM | if she is your EX officio....then remarriage...does not usually bear longitudinal happiness.
If still just SEPARATED (your post is not clear either way, you also mention separation) that may bear a LITTLE more hope. Remarriage statistic for subsequent 2nd divoorce are dismal. And one who...17 years ago...forgave, and reestablished trust-i found out too personally-that the leopard did not shed her spots... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:27:24 PM | I don't think past sexual partners is anyone's business - period.
You didn't mention if she eventually told you of the true number, or when you found out. To me, if you had invested 3 years and the relationship was fine, I think it's very selfish and immature to "lose respect" for her due to the number of sexual partners.
Over the course of a single person's lifetime, it's quite possible to rack up several "notches" on the headboard. Think about it... If you have a new partner every 2-3 months, that would be 4-6 partners a year. If you have an occasional "one night stand", then that could be 8 or more partners in a year. At that rate, in just the course of time between 17 and 27 (10 years of singlehood) someone would have 80 sexual partners. Even on the low end, you'd have 40+ partners...
So, realistically, 25 isn't that many... It's certainly not "whore-worthy" by any means. I think you're a prude... how many partners have YOU had? 7? I doubt that... Or, you've been in long term relationships where you haven't had the single life to experience more partners.
She was right to lie to you - she was obviously afraid that you'd judge her, just as you have now done.
It boils down to this... either get over it or not. If you "dont respect her" anymore, then move on. She doesn't deserve your scorn or judgemental attitude.
If you truly love this woman then grow some balls and be a man who's confident that he satisfies his woman in and out of the bedroom. I'd say forgive her for the lie, but she has nothing to be ashamed of with her partners.
The rest is up to you.
"If you want to catch a catch, then BE a catch!" | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:27:41 PM | You already said she's lied to you and cheated on you...
Hey, maybe it was really was only 7 guys the first time you asked, and later when you asked it was 25 - after all, she's cheated on you at least once! 
Prior partners doesn't matter as long as there's no STD's involved in the present. Cheating while in the relationship though *does* matter (since that would presumably after the "clean" STD test, which renders it kinda meaningless in your relationship). | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:27:53 PM | | I feel the same way that you do, OP...you asked a question in which she answered with a LIE, in order to avoid telling you the true answer. If the issue was that the past is the past, or that it were not your business, or she just did not want to answer such...then she should have stated that. "I do not discuss my sexual history." The LIE is what made it wrong. You were robbed of the choice of making an informed decision, because you trusted her to be telling the truth. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:29:50 PM |
I can certainly deal with 25 partners before me But it doesn't seem that you can. You say you don't respect her. I assume that you don't respect her partly because of the lie, but it sure seems that you don't respect her because of her sexual history.
I notice that you're getting defensive now and throwing out more truths...why even bring up the matter of the 25 men as the thread topic?
Why not the fact that she's cheated?
Why not the fact that she's lied to you about being pregnant?
It seems that you're desperately trying to get us all "on your side".
If these things you're writing are true...why would you want to be with her? The cheating alone should mean "bye bye". | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:35:10 PM | that's a very tricky situation, firstly, if someone asks me i will tell them but i will never ask first!!!! everyone has a past and is free to do as they like before they met or got together with you, but if they ask but then tell lies about it then i class that as being untruthfull then spreads douts in my mind! i was with a woman for a few years, she asked and i told ( truthfully ) ..... then i asked her but she lied as it turned out, by a large margin!!!! well i was less than impressed because why lie..... well she said it was incase i thought she was a 'dirty' well i found out she cheated on me at least 3 times that i know of so i suppose she was right!!! anyway to the question about sexual past, you should only talk about it if you can handle it and are truthfull.....but i honestly would not ask.
Am I wrong for not taking her back?
well only you can answer that but my opinion would be no.
best of luck whatever you decide tho! | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:36:23 PM | Ya know what OP?...lets cut to the chase on this...
Clearly the relationship was a mess.
Its been based on lies & pretty shitty behavior on her part from what you've said.
I dont think your post has anything to do with the topic you've raised in it OR what the answer was.
I'll tell you what it is...IMO...both of you are just playing the Blame Game and trying to score points on the other. This is the only thing she can score a point on...and she'll likely defend it to the grave.
Its the one and only thing she can argue with you about by the sounds of it... her sexual history (which you say SHE brought up in conversation) and whether or not thats your business or relevant to you. Well...frankly...who cares?
You've now gotten confused over one issue...and are doubting your own opinion on the ENTIRE scenario simply because in this case she may have an argument. Why are you even bothering?
Look...its highly likely these 25 partners may not have been a judgement call on your part IF that was the only thing that was bothering you.
But its not...its the top of a pyramid of other deceptions.
Straw that broke the camels back...if you will.
Stop doing your head in over it...keep it in perspective...and see everything as the bigger picture.
Dont get into a pissing argument over one little detail. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:36:28 PM | Oh here we go again with the "How many partners..............." discussion. With all due respect, what she did or who before YOU should not be of great concern. The only thing that I would be concerned about if they possess any type of STD - that she needs to be honest and upfront about.
And you lost respect for her because she had more partners than you? "Too many" for a woman?
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:36:39 PM | | OP, no matter what anyone else says, you were right to ask just because she was the one that brought it up first. And since when does sexual history not matter? What if you were to find out that your gf ended up having a one night stand with one of your friends before you met? Hell if my gf made out with a guy I consider an acquantance she'd be gone on the spot. But regardless OP I'd say she sounds like a pretty terrible gf. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:38:03 PM | If I am reading this right, the issue of her having over 25 partners is not the issue. The fact that she could have had unprotected sex with as little as just one guy, is not the issue today (three years later and you did not get a disease) The issue is not just the lie, although that is never good. it would have been better for her to be honest and say. "I'd rather not divulge that number but tell you I have been with others" That would not have been a lie and may have satisfied you.
OK, fast forward to today. Do you trust her today? Do you think you can trust her to never cheat on you? Do you honestly feel she is in love with you. Can you say that you are in love with her? If you can say yes to these questions, then I'd say don't be so hasty to throw away a good loving bond and relationship.
Do you think you can forgive her and both of you work on today and the future? If so, as hard as it may be....stay in the relationship and be happy. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:41:24 PM | I thought there was an unspoken rule....
when u ask a lady how many sexual partners she has had ....you ALWAYS double the number she gives you!!!
Just joking...No hate mail PLEASE :P
The past is the past......thats where you should LEAVE it! Everyone has a PAST! Wouldn't you rather be her future?? | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:46:16 PM | OP maybe your heading should be 'does our partner deserve to know the truth' and i think the 25 lovers thing is part of a list.
It sounds as though your trust for her is undermined but you're not sure why - maybe you idolised her and now can't quite believe she's not the angel you thought she was?
There's a more important priority though and that's your relationship with your daughter. Have you got that aspect of things sorted?
I've read the other posts and personally I would want to know every detail of my partner's past, sexual or otherwise, before I chose to start a family with them. But I wouldn't ask them directly - I'd use my intuition and I'd be patient because I pick up far more information about people indirectly than directly and I listen to my gut instinct.
Knowing a potential partner tells lies or exagerrates and plays mind games would be enough for me to walk away. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:47:47 PM |
I cant believe anybody actually thinks this thread really has anything to do with how many sexual partners this gal has had.
Do you wanna be with her or not OP?
You dont have to look for loopholes to be (ie. she could be right in this instance)
Why dont you tell her flat out...that you cant be in a relationship where every time things are settled...she surprises you with another little piece of information that just makes you lose complete faith in her.
Cos if you dont...EVERY time she brings something up...you're just gonna kick yourself for giving her chance after chance after chance.
You know what the girl is like (as a whole)...so dont fool yourself into expecting anything different from her for the future. She'll likely ALWAYS be the way she is.
As far as the rest of the posters jumping up and down and saying its none of your business...well frankly...I just dont think they get that this topic has nothing to do with what the problem is.
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:54:49 PM | Does privacy mean nothing to you ?
whether this woman has been "with" one or 100 men , what is your issue ?
That she chose to not divulge every aspect of her personal history ?
Or perhaps you may feel the need to forgive someone you have cared about for three years... go tell all your friends everything you have ever done that might not be acceptable behaviour to some and see how you feel being judged .
I guess we can assume that you aren't a very religous man... or rather than posting this issue for a world of strangers... you would have " spoken" to the only person you need to.. and forgiveness would be in your heart , not rightous indignation !
Perhaps this woman is better off without having her "soul tied' to yours.
Perhaps you should draw up a questionaire next time and see how that flies. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:59:53 PM | The lying and cheating is a different story - separate from the number of partners she had...
She shouldn't have lied about the number, but IMO, she shouldn't have been asked either or put in a position where she felt she had to lie. I'd have said "none of your business" and took it as a good sign if you broke it off...
But cheating and lying are totally different and are dealbreakers for a relationship within themselves. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:02:21 PM | | I have a little questionaire I ask girls to answer before I date them. But none of them asks for how many partners she had previously. I mean I think questions that might require a calculator are a little too personal, if youse gets my meaning. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:07:03 PM | What her number is exactly is her business. Whether she wants to share that is her choice.
Whether you can live with the true number or not knowing is yours. Don't let anyone else here tell you otherwise.
It's your life, you have to live it, whatever your deal breakers are, that's ok. You don't have to justify them to anyone. Now they might not be very practical, but again, it's your business.
No one has the right to know anything. Everyone has the right to cut bait if they don't like the deal on the table.
As soon as she gave you a number, she made it your business. She should not have lied to you. She could have simply said she didn't want to talk about it and cut bait.
Whether or not it's your business is no longer an issue. As soon as she answered instaed of cutting bait, she made it your business. Let's not throw the accountability out the window here because people in this thread think being accountable and being perceived as a whore are the same thing. It's not. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:09:05 PM |
Such as hanging out with a guy friend then I find out he used to be an old sex buddy. Then I find out she cheated on me with him while she was mad at me.
This is abouyt the fifth post I have read in the last 2 weeks where somone cheated with a past lover. And other people wonder why some of us don't like our partner hanging out with ex lovers???????????? It's always so innocent until the truth comes out. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:11:09 PM | OP this is the mother of your child. If you love her, give it another try. If you're just going to condemn her for her past, forget it, it'll never work out. The minute you're pissed off, it'll be whore this and whore that. Why put your daughter through that?
I think asking about someone's past is a bad scene. I don't want to know my S/O's number, really! What happened before he met me, is none of my business...so long as he is disease free and has no skeletons in the closet.
You cannot undo the hurt you've caused one another. You can try to make it up to each other, for your sakes and that of your daughter.
Best Wishes OP, you are man enough to do it. Only boys care about the "number." imho. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:14:17 PM |
Prior partners doesn't matter as long as there's no STD's involved in the present. Cheating while in the relationship though *does* matter (since that would presumably after the "clean" STD test, which renders it kinda meaningless in your relationship).
So just how do you KNOW FOR SURE there aren't any STD's involved...?????????
Sure, we can all get tested...
But you need to get tested twice over a 6 month period to be relatively sure...
Even then, there's no guarantee of being free...
What about long tem effects of STD's????
What if she's infertile from a now cured STD she got in the past?
What if she had HEP-C, and has a damaged liver...?
What if she gets Cervical Cancer from HPV???? The HPV may be gone, but the damage is already done...
What if she's got something that isn't routinely screened for? Not EVERY STD is tested for as part of a routine screening... Not every STD can be tested for....
So, yeah, the parter should know. That way they can make an informed decision about whether or not the relationship is worth the possible future problems...
Anyone who says they don't need to know, is either foolish or reckless... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:14:59 PM | I would not take her back, because alls your going to do is think about her past
and it will eat you up inside.. and you cant trust her.. so no i would not | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:44:05 PM | OP ... You started this off talking about her lying to you and then later you mention she cheated on you ... DID I MISS SOMETHING ? ... Your worried more about the lies than the cheating ??? ... I MUST BE GETTING OLD ... I wanna start a forum just to see if there are any ppl young that think cheating is wrong ... I know the old saying that a liar is worse than a theif cause you can keep your eyes on a theif , but I just cant handle a cheater ... NO WAY
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