| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:37:24 AM | Again- this is all about sexual morality. Everyone has different sexual morality.
Some people say, "Have sex with as many people as you like! You only live once; make sure you really experience it!"
Some people say, "I think you should only have sex with one person for your entire life."
And yet another group of people say, "Only sleep with really special people!"
There are, of course, variations on these.
In the end, though, who are we to say that one way is better than the other?
Are you likely to be compatible with someone who has a grossly different sexual morality than you?
Yes with a but. You probably won't want to be with someone who is in a grossly different phase of sexual morality than you, but sexual morality isn't stagnant. People change their ideas over time. People decide that they want to settle down. People decide that their previous world view was wrong. This is where we end up with problems-- you're trying to reconcile the person that you know with a past that makes them unappealing to you. Obviously saying, "Just forget about it," doesn't work. | |
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| The Past Does Matter - Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:20:57 AM | Wow. Great topic! I think in the best relationships, real intimacy means that nothing is off limits. But many people aren't going to be that open, and even those who are willing to be open will only open up over time as trust builds. So I guess I’d rather not think of it as a “right” to know, but not off limits in an atmosphere of trust.
I want to address the place our "past" takes in our lives. It's very popular, and easy, (and often a cop-out) to say that the past is irrelevant.
But in a caring, respectful, and completely gender-neutral way - let me postulate that EVERYTHING you see, hear, smell, taste or touch is a manifestation of past events. The computer screen you’re looking at right now is what it is NOW because of it’s personal history and it’s history of invention.
EVERYTHING in your mental life is a manifestation of past influences and decisions. Your thoughts and attitudes about relationships stand on ground made up of your past influences and decisions. Even your current attitude about whether the past matters, is there because of your personal history of learning and decisions!
A person who has had sex and relationships with many people is going to think and feel differently about sex and relationships than they would if they had few partners.
I’ve got garbage in my past, and I have to deal with it in such a way that it doesn’t ruin my present and future. I think everyone’s faced with that. But pretending that the past doesn’t matter is just fooling yourself, and your past then continues to rule you. | |
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| The Past Does Matter - Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:36:49 AM |
You probably won't want to be with someone who is in a grossly different phase of sexual morality than you, but sexual morality isn't stagnant. People change their ideas over time.
Even if you DO change your views about sexual relationships after having 25 boyfriends (or girlfriends) in the past, and you decide you only want to be with one sexual parter the rest of your life, the person you end up with has to be able to deal with your PAST sexual morality. That seems to be much of the trouble with the OP's situation.
Past sexual partners is a sticky subject. I think to many people, the number doesn't matter, as long as you have had more sexual partners than the person you are with. You know, 25 past sexual partners is ok if you've had 30, or something like that. When I first started dating my ex-wife, she was a virgin. She had a VERY hard time accepting the fact that I had been with ONE person before her, even though that was obviously before I had even met her. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:38:24 AM |
ok, so how many partners have you guys had???
Shari1968,
I heard a motivational speaker say, "The human mind cannot tell the difference between that which is real, and that which is vividly imagined."
So my numbers are WAY high... at least I think they are...  | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:12:30 AM | nebula - please know i only started talking about the assumptions here that i felt perhaps could and should be addressed as they are relevant to the thread actually -
for those who are saying women who had more than they think are a suitable number of sexual partners, please know women can have many sexual partners and not have slept with anyone picked up or anyone picking them up in a bar.
i'm just trying to point out, just like men, my belief is there are all sorts of perfectly wonderful men and women full of class and intergrity and honesty and good people who have had sex with several people....especially if you connect age to number.
And, nebula, before i was addressing these thoughts and posts here, i answered the OP like this - my first post here. sorry I diverted off course a little.
message 87 - mess 18 - op, you say
op: "The number was not the reason we broke up, I can certainly deal with 25 partners before me. It was the number of lies that slowly ate away at me. Such as hanging out with a guy friend then I find out he used to be an old sex buddy. Then I find out she cheated on me with him while she was mad at me. Finding out that 2 of the three times I got her pregnant was a lie, she only wanted attention. The list goes on, but the reason I bring up the topic of sex partners, is because she feels I had no right to know the real number. However, im not the one that brought up numbers, she was."
me:"now i have not read this whole thread, so this might be redundant and if so, i apologize....seems to me OP, you are being very petty about your original thread almost as an intro into the real truth and that is what you wrote above.....these are the real reasons you do not have respect for her - she lost it in your eyes. my question is, why do you think she needs to lie so? have you ever spoken to her, as another heart-to-heart? is she afraid of your reaction? is she afraid she would lose your respect if she told the truth? surely she realizes the lies (and i suspect the truth also) would result in the same thing for you.
besides, it seems you do know the truth of her lies. How do you know it? My impression here is because she told you, after all....
I think she needs to get some help with this side of her that lies before she tells the truth - to get to the heart of her fear.
And I think you need to also address your judgement perhaps....everyone has faults. Do you know what yours are? Why I am questioning you is the way you posted this thread - and then added extra amo in the message I pasted some of above....seems you are actually looking for pity and support and to be told 'you are right'....that you are all right and she is all wrong. hmmm....
One more thought - this is the mother of your child - you are going to be in each other's lives for many years through parenting your child ....please keep that in mind for another split up couple that are at odds with each other deeply is not what's best for you or her or your child. Eventually, they say, forgiveness is necessary.....even if split up, even if it takes many years. Compared to life and death, your issues are not the end of the world. It seems they show you two may not be compatible - so accept that and move on to a place you can be there for your child, but not for each other as you have tried to be. Sometimes, unless you have enough love to overcome these huge challenges, sometimes it's best to accept it's more painful to stay together than part." | |
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| Gender differences - Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:28:17 AM | Here's my 7 cents worth (2 cents, adjusted for inflation) about gender differences on topics like this:
It is different for men and women. It doesn't matter if some women don't get that or don't like it. It's different - we really all instinctively know it - and for absolute proof  I will offer as evidence a joke told in a strong Irish accent by Paul Newman's character in "The Verdict".
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So Pat says, he says, "They got this new bar... and you go inside, and for half a buck you get a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room - and they get you laid... "
Then Mike says, "Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean to say there's a new bar and you go inside, and for a half a buck, they give you a beer, a free lunch, and they take you in the back room, and they get you laid?"
Pat says, "That's right."
Mike says, "Have you ever been in the bar?"
And Pat says, "No, but me sister has."
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claral
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Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 133 | |
| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:34:04 PM | Problem is she didn’t give me that option, and once I found out she had been with over 25 men, needless to say my desire for her slowly died.
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thats why she didnt tell you moan but dont want the truth how wicked are YOU | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:02:23 PM |  Hi Everyone 
We've all seen alot of talk back and forth between all of us about the number of sex partners progress to various lies.....
 Love can be pretty simple.... just give it "freely". When its "free", regardless of what you get in return for it... you did the right thing and your a better person asa result
Don't dwell on your (in this case) failed relationships. If what you gave was free... its you that did the right thing. Theres no magic fairy dust or anything else that you can sprinkle on someone to make them a better (or worse) person. "Free" means you "wanted" them to have what you gave them..... once things cool off and a relationship ends.... while we might wish the person woulda done this or that... in reality... it simply doesn't matter anymore.
When theres children involved; then its a matter of deciding what you'll do to make things better for them with logic.....and sincerity.
But it all falls apart if what you gave in a relationship wasn't given "freely"..... and its never too late to look back and say.... "everything I put into this/that relationship was freely given and now I'm not going to see it any other way" Once you admit that, yu'll grow into accepting the beauty of love without strings.....
Cmon.... give it a try You'll feel alot better and it'll all make sense as time progresses and releases you from your "former feelings"..... I hear you saying that the "trust" is gone forever.... once that happens... so is the relationship... say goodbye with an open heart.... release yourself from the walls your trapping yourself in....
Hope this makes a positive impact on all....
bye bye everyone Wish no one ever had to go through a "break-up" but it does happen.... we go into them expecting them to last forever... we never realize how much it'll hurt if it ends "in the beginning".... I admire you that were able to make it thru 3 years.... but you can be free right now by freely letting go......
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:18:19 PM | I cant believe you would LOSE respect for a person because of how many ppl she slept with! That's just not right in my book...
So, if your buddies slept with more than 20 girls.. does that mean you would lose respect for them too? Or is it different because they are MEN??
Are women not allowed to enjoy sex, in this matter? Do you think she's less of a person for sleeping with more ppl than you have?
I responded with her past can easily be my present if I caught something from her or knew someone she was with.
Besides, if you are SOO worried about catching some kind of STD, and would go to the extreme of personally INVESTIGATING your partners sex life, even though she told you! (which points out even more that deep down you DONT TRUST HER), WEAR A CONDOM EVERY TIME!!
It's that simple.........
Why risk your health over someone u dont even trust?? | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:25:24 PM | I absolutely cannot relate to this "guy thing" about how many men their girlfriend slept with. I couldn't care less. What is the big frigging deal? I totally cannot relate to this issue.
If she's disease free and is monogamous with me, who gives a crap about her history? | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:17:34 PM | Besides, if you are SOO worried about catching some kind of STD, and would go to the extreme of personally INVESTIGATING your partners sex life, even though she told you! (which points out even more that deep down you DONT TRUST HER), WEAR A CONDOM EVERY TIME!!
Ummmm Condoms are not 100% or even close when STD's are concerned....
I'd rather do without sex than trust a condom....
As one doctor put it, wearing a condom for sex, is like wearing raincoat as body armour on a battlefield....
I get tested, and I get the girl tested too.... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:19:39 PM |
So, if your buddies slept with more than 20 girls.. does that mean you would lose respect for them too? Or is it different because they are MEN??
Hell, I don't respect my buddies anyway....
I'm not planning on spending the rest of my life with my buddies either...
And no.... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:19:30 PM | If she said 25,it was more like 40..but the fact is, she didnt tell the truth when the subject first came up , instead she lied. Maybe if she had told him the truth ,he would have never stayed with her..pass her off as a barfly or whatever and move along to someone who DID sleep with 7 men.
Maybe he would be happily married right now to a wonderfull woman and living the picture perfect life ...she never gave him that chance..she lured him in with BS..and took 3 years of his life with her manipulative lies.
I always think its best to be upfront when you meet someone..give them all the truths and let them deciede what they want to do with it...BEFORE you invest 3 years ...
Sorry OP....I say throw this skank away , let her go hook up with someone thats gonna BS her and lie to her face...and find yourself a decent lady thats not a liar..good luck with that tho...seems most dont feel its any mans business anyways ..its hard trying to build something solid on half truths and cover ups. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:01:17 PM |
Ummmm Condoms are not 100% or even close when STD's are concerned....
I'd rather do without sex than trust a condom....
As one doctor put it, wearing a condom for sex, is like wearing raincoat as body armour on a battlefield....
I know it's amazing how most people do not know that. You can get STDs even with a condom. Their are numerous kinds of STDs. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:09:40 PM | | JMO, but if you live in the past, you will never have a future.If you love her and want her take her back, if ya don't leave her alone.... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:43:17 PM | I think this is a situation that requires alot of t hought. As we all know, honesty is key in any relationship. However, it is also important to have the inner strength to be prepared for the answers. With sex being such an open topic compounded with the number of people on this planet, sexual past is important. There should be no reason to lie about how many partners, what took place, how kinky it was etc... If you ask around, you will be hard pressed to find people who haven't lied. People (not all) increase or decrease the number based on what is comfortable to them, based on what they think a partner will find acceptable. People lie about the degree of kinky-ness, the experiences themselves, again based on what they think is socially acceptable.
In this situation, it was expressed that if she had been honest about the number of partners, there would probably not have been a relationship. However, the reason you are not with her now is because she lied. In my opinion, that seems to be a Catch-22. Is the true issue the lying or the number?
A higher risk of STD's is absolutely a concern for anyone currently in the dating scene. However, what would you do if you knew someone she had slept with? What would you do if the role was reversed? In three years, the situation hasn't occured; that's not to say it won't or can't. What it does say is the past is always there. Sometimes the past may make an appearance in the present, but for the most part, it is the past. To be honest, I have been in the situation of being in the prescence of an ex, both his and mine. It was not nearly as awkward as it could as been, because we saw it for what it was. Another person, who at one point was a part of mine/his life. Nothing more, nothing less.
Respect, that is an entirely different piece. If there is no respect for her, is there a relationship to salvage? | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:27:48 AM |
However, what would you do if you knew someone she had slept with? What would you do if the role was reversed? In three years, the situation hasn't occured; that's not to say it won't or can't
I know it can. I have a friend who for one reason or another never met me and a certain g/f at the same time. When finally, we did all meet he knew her. He'd been with her years before... Very awkward.... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:53:29 AM | Hey dawg, something in my old age I have learned. A persons pass can be a look into their future. We all have so "growing" years. Take a good look at a person, who they have a friends, what their and friends values are, families are like. And you can kinda guess their future.
You can love someone, but not like the kind of person they are. 
Depends on the amount of drama you want in your life.
My mother used to tell me " Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are". Rings true.
For me to devote my life to someone, I should expect the same. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:01:50 AM | | No one has the right to know anything about another's past. If she wished to tell you then that would be another matter. All you had to do was to have a screening as another has stated if you were that worried... Your insecurity needed to know her past. Live for today and the future. So overall in answer to your question... be logical, not judgmental. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:48:06 PM | Your insecurity needed to know her past.
Why is it always assumed that if a guy wants to know about a woman's past it's all about his INSECURITY?????
I've yet to see anyone say that if a woman wants to know about a guy's past that it's her insecurity. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:12:36 PM | | This particular post was from a man!!!!!!.... if it had been from a woman- my reply would have been exactly the same. Just to clarify. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:13:44 PM | never ask a question you're not ready to hear an answer to!
we're a sum of our past experiences, they helped make us who we are, they are NOT who we are today. | |
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