| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:14:03 PM |
Obviously I am in the minority here. Yes, it would matter to me if a potential BF was promiscuous and had such casual regard for sexual relationships--even if I were to ignore all the inherent risks. So yes, I think I have a right to know--maybe not actual numbers but if he engaged in that type of behavior then obviously we do not value sexual relationships the same and THAT is very important to me.
Thank you. So many others have focused on the health of their partner's body, and if it's free of disease then all's well. Whether debauchery or chastity led to that lack of disease doesn't matter, it's a high enough hurdle in its own right apparently.
Well past behavior, especially recent behavior is always going to matter to me. I won't ask the number question, but if you take two single women of equal looks, and one slept with two men last year, and one swept with twenty, they differ on character. Dating the latter reflects poorly on me, no matter how well she cleans up, or tests out at the doctor's office. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:19:41 PM | | OP - the past is over. Get OVER IT!!! She can't undo the past. Whether or not she has any regrets, that's up to her. Have you given much thought to how she has been, since she has met you?? Has she treated you good? Has she been loyal, faithful, and respectful with you? You may or may not be letting a good person go. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:26:42 PM | | People are suppose to learn by their past. History is history. I can not imagine going out on a first date and asking a man how many women they have been with. That would be so rude. Once you have gotten involved with someone to the point of sleeping with them, you should know their values well enough. It doesn't make sense to question them after you have been with them. I think it shows a lack of maturity. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:27:11 PM |
Dating the latter reflects poorly on me, no matter how well she cleans up, or tests out at the doctor's office.
And just how exactly does that reflect poorly on you? Are you a virgin? Are you saving yourself for marriage? Are you planning on advertising to the world just how many men she slept with before you? Just as that number is not your business it's even more so not the rest of the worlds. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:42:42 PM | | ...hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.......I was exposed to this kind of immature crap as a younger woman....now, finding someone of equal maturity is the most important!....we all have past experiences that shape and form our character....everything from rape to loving intimacy......as couple a get to know and trust each other , this information usually flows anyway......its part of comparing thier life history, not a pissing match!... | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:22:22 PM | I'll defend this one forever, she has a right to live her life in any way she wants, do anything she wants and lie to whoever she wants, all things have consequences and you have every right in the world to dislike being lied to, want full disclosure in return for full disclosure and nobody can tell you that you're wrong for not liking to person she was or is.
Her past is just another part of who she is, if she wants to pretend like it didn't happen or shouldn't matter that's fine, but like I said you have the right to take offense to that.
If nothing else, she hid things or lied to you it sounds like and that's a done deal as far as I can tell.
I always have a little chuckle when I hear that the past shouldn't matter, how many times does that come from somebody that did something they know people won't be happy to hear about and don't want to feel bad that someone who passed up these things doesn't want them for it?
We've all done stupid things, but my stupid things might not be as bad as yours, they might be a lot worse, in the end I don't think it's for me to judge how my history affects someone I love, it comes down to them. If they can't accept it, they move on. That's life. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:30:36 PM | Okay, once again I'm sorry but, does nobody but me wonder why the OP is truly asking this question???
Problem is she didn’t give me that option, and once I found out she had been with over 25 men, needless to say my desire for her slowly died. Had she told me when we had the conversation instead of lying and saying 7 I could have decided then not to date her and things could have been ended right there before our hearts were to involved. Or I could have accepted it and kept seeing her.
Okay...so that sounds acceptable to most posters so far, no problems. BUT...apparently the OP discovered this news while in the hospital with his g/f for the 3rd or 4th time he'd supposedly gotten her pregnant, so her OB-GYN brought the news to light. AFTER they had already been together for 3 years. Now, a lie is still a lie so I'm not excusing that in any way but...geez, they'd already been together 3 years, he's with her having a pre-natal exam, and NOW he questions it? And says "if she had told me when we had the conversation things could have ended right there before our hearts were involved". Hmm....wasn't the conversation 3 years into the relationship (aka fairly recently), while at the gynecologist's office??? But..."if only he'd known, he could have left before his heart was attached???" *gag*
If I had to guess, I would say the OP is just using the "numbers thing" as an excuse...and a bit late, I might add. Although, I'll also say that, given what his later posts reveal about their relationship...I would say numbers would be the least of his worries in this case. The only numbers I'd be questioning in this case would be, why the heck did the OP stay with someone who apparently repeatedly lied about being pregnant a few times previously, before it actually happened?? Choose to stay though, he did...so why would the "numbers" thing bother him so much now??  | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:34:50 PM |
I always have a little chuckle when I hear that the past shouldn't matter, how many times does that come from somebody that did something they know people won't be happy to hear about and don't want to feel bad that someone who passed up these things doesn't want them for it?
I have to disagree with that. Not everyone is judgemental. Some of us truly accept others for what they are. Maybe it is because I know I have my own kinks and history, but I am not in the least bit ashamed of it nor will I ever hide it. My life is an open book, no topic is off limits with me. If someone doesn't like my answers and rejects me for it then I feel bad for them and not myself, because they were too close minded to even look at what was on the inside. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:40:14 PM | | Dawg bite.... you changed your story..... did no one see that? Are you sure your being honest? If you don't respect her... she should not take you back. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:10:32 PM |
nobody can tell you that you're wrong for not liking to person she was or is.
If you judge and dislike someone for something as trivial as number of past partner, I will say you are wrong. It is your preference and right but is sad to see people to think like that.
And yes, is obvious lieing is bad, but the lie is not the big problem. Consider the question before. If she claim 7 partner but reveal the true was 3, would you break up because "a lie is a lie?" | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:27:52 PM | "She feels that I had no right to know her sexual past in the first place, that’s why she lied"
If you're waiting for a woman who will answer your question truthfully, you're going to be very lonely, a very long time.
And I agree with her. It is none of your business.
If you're worried about STDs, then you can both get tested. But you've no right to know anything she doesn't want to tell you. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:36:15 PM |
And yes, is obvious lieing is bad, but the lie is not the big problem. Consider the question before. If she claim 7 partner but reveal the true was 3, would you break up because "a lie is a lie?"
If the lie isn't the big problem, then what would you say IS the "big problem"? I know from reading through this thread, what I would consider it to be...but what would you say???
Jeez, people, read! lol! The OP said "he wished he knew the number in time" ....what, while he was actually in the GYN's office for a pre-natal exam with his G/F. "In time" he wished apparently, so that he would have been able to "break if off with her before our hearts were entwined"...during his 3rd or 4th visit thinking she was pregnant.
Gak. I give up, lol. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:49:20 PM | It seem to me the big problem is the number of partner. Maybe I am wrong he would break up because the number was really smaller than what she say, but that is my doubt.
I did not say I would be happy if a guy lie at any time. I do not know why you ask that. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:19:19 PM |
I did not say I would be happy if a guy lie at any time. I do not know why you ask that.
I asked that because I doubt any of us would be happy about that question...ESPECIALLY if it "came from our boyfriend of 3 years?" Think about it...the OP was essentially saying...that if he'd known? He might have left his pregnant g/f of three years. READ the thread, okay? And, I doubt any woman would be happy to feel he had to ask a Q like that, after 3 years...but apparently nobody finds it odd that the OP is asking....lmao now!  | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:11:22 PM |
And, I doubt any woman would be happy to feel he had to ask a Q like that, after 3 years...but apparently nobody finds it odd that the OP is asking..
I *do* find it odd that he was even *bothering* to ask, I mean, if you read post#18 from the OP:
The number was not the reason we broke up, I can certainly deal with 25 partners before me.
The 'number' wouldn't matter to me at all... *BUT*...
It was the number of lies that slowly ate away at me. Such as hanging out with a guy friend then I find out he used to be an old sex buddy. Then I find out she cheated on me with him while she was mad at me. Finding out that 2 of the three times I got her pregnant was a lie, she only wanted attention. The list goes on
If I knew that, I wouldn't even be bothering with numbers... she's lied repeatedly, and *cheated* on him... pfft, I don't even know why one would bother posting after that, especially since the tone of the OP sounds like "should we get back together"... oh HELL NO!!!     | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:42:16 PM | ok, I completely agree with what "he" said.......you know, that guy above me?!
..the ease with which some people lie is appaling to me...... ... .. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:57:54 PM | I am a person who feels like they should always have an option. When she asked me how many partners have I had unprotected I told her. If she decided to dump me for it then so be it, she has that right. Problem is she didn’t give me that option, and once I found out she had been with over 25 men, needless to say my desire for her slowly died. Had she told me when we had the conversation instead of lying and saying 7 I could have decided then not to date her and things could have been ended right there before our hearts were to involved. Or I could have accepted it and kept seeing her.
If the number of men she has been with is your reason, what if the shoe was on the other foot?
Now we have 3 years invested, souls tied, and the separation is very painful for the both of us. Not just because of the number of men shes been with, but because from that, other things were brought to the light and now although I love her, I simply do not respect her.
OP:
I am not condoning lying but there is a double standard at work here. Would you be a "stud" for bedding twenty-five women whereas she is a "slut" for sleeping with twenty-five men?
Her sexual past as well as yours are just that: the past. If she wants to tell you that is one thing (likewise if you want to tell her) but if not then do not concern yourself with it.
People do a lot of things they later regret and we have the right to learn from our past and to not let into it others who were not there unless we choose to.
Having said that though, there is one exception to the rule and it is this: if either of you has had an STD in the past, the other has the right to know about it.
Otherwise, let it go. That is what mature people do and if you really loved her, you would do that. | |
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oshan
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Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 193 | |
| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:09:42 PM | I agree with OutMind, the past is the past is the past.....LEAVE it there!
OP, you need to ask yourself why you are so judgmental of this woman when you have absolutely NO RIGHT to criticize anybody. Love seeks to understand, to accept, to embrace, to invite in....what you are doing with your judgmental attitude is pushing her away and destroying the love. What is wrong with you??? Why can't you APPRECIATE this woman for the beautiful love that she is willing to give to you and focus your attention on that, instead of the past???
It looks to me as if you have a whole lot to learn about love, and I would strongly suggest that you get started on that learning asap. If you cannot accept this woman as she is and appreciate her beauty, both inner and outer, then let her go so that she can have peace in her life and perhaps find someone who will be able to appreciate and love her. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:17:40 PM | | the past is the past, if you can't get over someone sexual partners you shouldnt be with them. end of story. i don't judge people on who they used to be. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:41:46 AM | OP Open those little ears pop open that little brain of yours. If you are in love with this woman, are you going to beat her up over her past mistakes???? If God can forgive, then why can't you?
I always knew there were a billion things wrong with my ex husband. He called me a tart every day and attacked me. I knew something was wrong with him and was going to find out. I managed to get some people to tell me the truth of one of his M A N Y double lives. They told me prior to marrying me he has amarried live in girlfriend named Shirley that he was shagging. Anyway, he told me that he lived alone and was alone. L I E!!!! Moved out of Shirley's into my house and married me!!!!!!Then called ME a tart because HE is a tart!!!!
My father gave some "marriage saving advice". Cynthia, forget everything that he has done and put it behind you. ((((((((((((((((((It is the past))))))))))))))))))))))))
Do you hear what my father said?????? And if you want this to work just LET IT GO.
Well,these are his words and he is very common scence smart!!! I suggest the same to you. Love her. Forget it > Do NOT Bring it up only to talk kindly! Let IT GO. Turn It Over to GOD. Or you will be a miserable brother, and you are doing it to yourself when you could be happy with the woman that you love.
Peace NIM~NUT HEAD | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:27:28 AM | What do you guys think of this situation? Am I wrong for not taking her back?
Should partners talk about their sexual past?
I had a friend a few years ago who was very troubled by the fact his *new* girlfriend had been with about 10 people in the past. I actually knew the woman and I thought she was low balling that number a great deal, but I couldn't believe this guy was even upset if that were true. That's almost virginal in today's world!
But it boils down to a simple fact... If you can't handle the answers, don't ask the questions!
I could not care less how many previous partners someone I was interested in had before me as long as they were d&d free. Honestly, at my age it would be much more of a warning flag if my partner had not explored a few things and lived life a little bit. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:43:32 AM |
When she asked me how many partners have I had unprotected I told her. If she decided to dump me for it then so be it, she has that right. Problem is she didn’t give me that option, and once I found out she had been with over 25 men, needless to say my desire for her slowly died. Had she told me when we had the conversation instead of lying and saying 7 I could have decided then not to date her and things could have been ended right there before our hearts were to involved. Or I could have accepted it and kept seeing her.
Since she asked you the question, then you have the right to to know the true answer for hers. She can't expect you to tell her the truth yet she lies. She lied to you, I wouldn't be able to be with someone who lies. Been there done that I won't put up with lies ever again. I wouldn't care how many partners she had as long she told the truth and she wouldn't be screwing around on me. The past is the past we all make mistakes or whatever. Really if a guy answered 200 most women would flip, heck even 100 and women would flip. If a person had 25 partner chances are they caught something without even knowing it. It is best to get tested before having sex, that would be the responsible thing to do. | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:16:23 AM |  I love this thread! lol I tend to agree with Tattooed lawyer-I never cheated on my spouse- 11 years- and he was frequently away from home. We were both tested early in the relationship for everything that you can test for-and life was good-We actually had this talk as well- just for curiosity sake. I am 17 years younger than he is and had more partners- all this meant was simply that he got married young- and had only had sex with the women he was married to +1. I on the other hand had never been married and when you change boyfriends once a year for say- 10 years- or even take a break for a year- that is 8-10 partners a person might have had. Seriously folks, we are all adults here. I think some people have to be honest with themselves as well when this question comes up.
And Egbdf---your response earlier--OMG TFF!!( yes the right hand and the left hand are 2 different partners) | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:19:46 AM | | Oh yeah, and just because someone was "free" in their youth doesn't mean they are the same person today. I think the way a person relates to you when you date is a good sign of who they are today. At least in my experience(which is limited) | |
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| Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/10/2008 3:48:53 PM | This has got to be the most disappointing thread I've read on these forums.
The past was the present when you started reading this sentence. | |
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