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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:47:17 AM |
The issue really does strike me as more to do with personal integrity rather than anything to do with testosterone.
Personal integrity? It's not that he's an evil guy, he's just like 99% of the men and women out there who have developed a relationship with someone. When you're talking on the phone with someone over a course of months it's not some fantasy world you're talking in that suddenly goes away once you actually meet. That phone call is happening in real life, the trust and sexual tension you're building is also occurring in real life. I think you're expecting the things that happen in your phone calls to happen in some kind of vacuum away from the real world, it's not. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:54:55 AM | OK, all levity aside, I really cannot believe men are SO governed by a little testosterone. I don't mean that guy, I'm wondering about men in general now....based on so many similar responses
Why is it have to be about men and their testosterone. What if you talked about something else on the phone. Like one of your hobbies that you're really into. Say for example you're both into horse riding and that is all you guys talked about before meeting. Your first meet comes up and you're all gung ho to go do some horse riding before he puts the brakes on and says "well I think we should get to know each other a little more first."
I know thats probably a bad example but how would you feel about it. You'd probably be kinda pissed right. You'd probably think something along the line of well what was it we've been talking about the past few months if it hasn't been about horse riding and getting to know each other. Does that make any sense at all? | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:14:26 PM | Appreciate the advice from everyone. The weirdest thing about this guy is it turned out we'd been introduced briefly about 3 or 4 yrs ago several times (he was a colleague of my ex's...we were introduced in passing at business dinners/holiday functions....not as dates...I was still married at the time). We didn't realize it when we first started talking....neither of us expected to find the other online and we didn't exchange last names for about 1-2 weeks when it started becoming very obvious we had a lot of outside commonalities. At that point, we decided to take it very slowly, so that's why I was so surprised at his behavior when we finally met that night. The risque talk wasn't exactly planned, but it eventually happened and it didn't seem smarmy at the time. Until that night, he seemed like a very sincere guy and he really caught me off guard. Would have NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRR guessed he'd pull what he pulled. So, yeah, secret, what you say would make sense with any other guy, but this one was a real shocker. It's hard to get my mind around it.
Anyway, I HOPE this isn't indicative of most men!!!!! | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:16:08 PM |
The other thing I can't believe is sex is really THAT big of a deal to men. Come on, it gets routine and stale over time.
Sex is REALLY a big deal to some men AND women. (me, me, me!) Sex is REALLY NOT a big deal to some men and women.
But why are you so surprised of such, if it came up before y0u even met physically?! That just makes no sense to me!
And regarding the routine and stale comment....well...that's only iffen you LET IT. ;) | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 12:30:39 PM | Harley,
It wasn't supposed to bleed over into real life...not so soon anyway. Mere words seemed enticing yet harmless, so it was a lot easier to think of it in that sense. Secret is sort of right, it seemed somehow disassociated from real life.
I do hope you're right about not all men being that way ("some people vs..."). The whole thing was a shock. I doubt I'll be venturing there again any time soon!!!!
LOL if you know the secret to never getting bored with sex, I'd sure love to know it!!!!! | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:03:02 PM | If you've progressed to a frank, Adult discussion...
the guy's *Expectations* elevate Much faster than the Ladys..!!
'Setting the margins'...early is generally a good way to keep a romantic friendship from
excalating too fast...too soon...!
The Lady should always be 'in control' of the pace and direction....
The guy should have enough respect for her to Honor her wishes...!! | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:24:41 PM | Well, Namas, sadly you're probably right. The whole notion drives me batball, however. By day, I live in a man's world via my career, accomplishments, etc. and I operate pretty efficiently, so it really gets my goat to have people thinking somehow because I'm a woman, I should be expected to turn into a helpless piece of fluff by night! Professionally, I'm used to running my own show and I should be able to do so in all personal arenas too, but I suppose pragmatism rules on occasion. It was the 2nd occurrence (the 1st guy made up some feeble excuses about my shyness & this one had NO excuse!), so I guess there's no use getting all bent out of shape about it. It is what it is. For the record, I assumed the 1st occurrence was an anomaly and I certainly wouldn't have expected it from the 2nd guy...period! The common threads were waiting to meet them and the phone talks escalating into certain realms. I've never had the problem with guys I meet right away (no chance for those discussions lol...well, there won't be a 3rd time, in any event), so there's something to be learned from that.
Anyway, I suppose this thread has pretty well come full circle. I have to say, despite my personal beliefs, seeing the same advice repeatedly was definitely an eye-opener with lots of practical merit.
Later...................................... | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:00:10 AM | I've seen it happen a lot, although since I hate phones I wouldn't do something like this XD
Some guys do this to gauge interest in someone, and on the day you guys meet, if there's not like, instant sex, all that work was for nothing. There are other girls just like you on his cell phone that he talks to the exact same way (sorry if this comes across too harsh). One of the other girls must've given him what he wanted.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned, I've seen this happen even with guys in my own family. So, I have the unique perspective of being the guy that these girls either call or email to ask why so-and-so did such a thing. Same explanation... so-and-so is a jerk, and until they find someone that appreciates them for being a jerk, they'll continue to take advantage of anyone they can get on the phone at all hours of the night. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:59:41 AM | I can see this thread has run its course, but I'd like to get the last shot in.
OP, from what I've been reading HarleyKat has been telling you some good advise, but because it something you don't want to hear or you don't like hearing it, you seem to be dismissing it.
People are hardwire to think differently than others. Sometime you might meet other with the same like mind, sometime you don't.
By your own words, you had risque phone chats for months with this guy before you met him.
I personally would think that after months of sexy chat over the phone, the meeting in person would go to the next level which is sex. Does that make me an ***hole or does that make you a tease if you say lets slow it down?
(personally I would feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable having phone sex with a woman I have never met and we have been chatting for a couple of months. Why the long delay on meeting?)
Then you say you don't want to call. That is your prerogetive, however, don't feel slighted if others say you SHOULD call because in my mind, if you have established a realtionship with someone (and trust me, months of phone conversation is a realationship) and that person just stopped calling I'd want to know what is going on. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:46:11 AM | Honestly, I skipped alot of this thread, but I felt so compelled by the OPs original post to comment... I checked your profile, you're 40, and you thought you both had a crush?! Is this a regional thing? Because I gotta tell you, I haven't had a crush in over 30 years! My 11 yr old has a crush. I have been infatuated, horny, intriged, in love, in lust and positively randy! But IMHO crushes are for children. And children shouldn't be having phone sex, period.  Ok, I'm done now  | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:49:54 AM | | He wanted sex. He may have been considering more but after meeting he didn't like you. Be glad you didn't put out. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:01:53 PM | Optimist,
That's exactly the conclusion at which I arrived. Glad to see a succinct opinion.
The following is pure rhetoric (no answers needed):
The 2nd guy's reason for not being interested baffles me. If you read the entire thread, we had been introduced a few yrs ago, so there were no surprises on our meeting. The convo flowed well. Everything seemed to go well, so I was a bit stymied as to why the guy lost interest. Moot at this point insofar as he & I are concerned, but one always kind of wonders why, nevertheless. It's an ego thing at this point. I imagine I'll never really know, so that's that. The main thought I have now is it would have been nice if he'd been up front and just said there wasn't a connection rather than going for what he thought might be easy sex. The guy was off his rocker if that's what he thought - whether or not I deserved it after the phone bit wasn't really the question I was originally asking. I know myself well enough to know if a man were to inadvertently dangle some sort of carrot at me, I would never take advantage of it just because he had dangled it. I don't use other people...period. I also don't rationalize their stupidity makes them to blame. My talks on the phone were in no way, shape, or form meant to tease, trick, or otherwise deceive. They were based on what I thought was a mutual growing sincere attraction. However, I now realize how easily that might be misinterpreted. Getting back to the man in question, I would have simply expected a polite evening and a polite good bye if he weren't interested. I would have also expected a succinct, "I'm not interested," from him after having talked for so long. That wasn't the case, so I simply accept it for what it is. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:25:12 PM | Simplymeee
I would have never gotten risque on the phone if I hadn't believed he really liked me a lot.
GROW UP!
He is your typical male... he wanted to test how far you would go and he was playing you.
GAME OVER! | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:20:55 PM | GROW UP!
He is your typical male... he wanted to test how far you would go and he was playing you.
GAME OVER!
^^^^so a typical male isn't grown up, huh?!!! | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:30:33 AM | As said many times there are no pics? You want to feel great about this. Sorry.
Honest for some reason he was not happy. I'd say post a pic next time. I like to see whom I am talking to myself. And that may not have been it either. So back to: "Honest for some reason he was not happy. "
Either call him or move on hun.
Plenty Of Fish in the sea???  | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:41:25 AM | "As said many times there are no pics? You want to feel great about this. Sorry."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Now, why would my photo make a difference on this thread? I don't see how it could possibly affect people's abilities to opine.
The first guy, yes, we exchanged photos. Same with the 2nd guy although there was no reason to do so w/no. 2 seeing as we had previously been introduced.
Now, if the inference is somehow I'm a mutt, that should still have no effect on opinions. Since the issue has been repeatedly raised, I'll put it to rest: I'm quite attractive. I'll leave it at that. (Well, I'll also throw in extremely well-educated, to boot.) Now, doesn't that make me sound defensive? That's why I didn't address it earlier, but it seems to be an issue with several posters. Issue is now off the table and was totally irrelevant anyway.
I posted hoping to get constructive advice and/or opinions. I've received that to a certain degree. As for the redundancy of my posts, it's not a matter of wanting an answer I like; rather, it's a matter of wanting a logical answer that makes sense to me. It's really that simple.
"Honest for some reason he was not happy. "
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Whether or not I wish it to be the case, that's the kind of advice/opinion I seek. I wouldn't have started the thread, otherwise. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:32:17 AM | SimplyMe...I don't think it is preposterous for thread contributors to broach the "no photo" issue...though I agree with you...it is not all it is about. Unfortunately, when meeting online (not applicable with dude you met through friends, of course) and even when you do share photos...you don't find out if the physical/chemical attraction is there, until you meet in person. Hell...I once had a guy who I meshed with for months...who flew from Florida for a first meet...tell me, "You rock...if only you would lose 5 to 10 pounds!" He was not lying...I could have stood to lose 5 or 10 pounds...but it's not like those were all in grossly proportioned places! LOL Anyway, it was enough for him to broach it...it was enough for me to say, "Next!"
And you know what? The above situation was shocking...after all the emotional investment we had shared before the meet. I do empathize with what you are going through!
BUT...you can either call or email him and find out...or you can accept that maybe your own judgement of character was off...and that he was not who you imagined him to be. But yes! When two people jive the way you say you did...and then he disappears after the first meet...first thought is that he was not pleased...no matter how attractive and intelligent you percieve yourself as! Heck...I think I am reasonably attractive and intelligent as well...but I know not ALL find me such! ;)
Whether or not I wish it to be the case, that's the kind of advice/opinion I seek. I wouldn't have started the thread, otherwise.
Unfortunately, when people post in these threads...it is often just to reaffirm their own ideals and answers...more so, than seeking advice or opinions. I wish people would realize when they post soliciting advice or opinions...that they are going to get them, and not always like the ones they receive! | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:47:33 AM | I wish people would realize when they post soliciting advice or opinions...that they are going to get them, and not always like the ones they receive!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It's not really a matter of not liking the opinions, it's more a matter of wanting opinions to address the question. A lot of the opinions seem to be off on a tangent and sort of sidestep the question. I've noticed this in other threads too.
In this thread, most notably, a lot of posters give advice regarding the risque talk. That may be useful advice, but it doesn't really answer the original question....either that, or I didn't phrase the question very well.
even when you do share photos...you don't find out if the physical/chemical attraction is there, until you meet in person.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I absolutely agree with that, but it also opens another can of worms regarding the first guy. That guy went out of his way to create the impression the chemistry was there that night. He also went on and on all night long telling me how much better than my photos I looked. (I did nothing to solicit his opinion, BTW.) That leaves 2 options: (1) believe him, or (2) assume he was lying. If option (1) is chosen, then it seems weird he didn't want to go out again. If option (2) is the case, then what was his motive for lying? The obvious motive is: he was attempting to score easy sex. That kind of lying is precisely WHY so many women on these boards are so annoyed with some men's behavior. To borrow another poster's phrase: it's called bait and switch. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:02:59 AM | | I went to a dating and flirting seminar once and the teach warned the women, if you play hard to get too much you will likely get a game player. The OP got a game player. | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:13:29 AM | He sounds married.
If he was into you, he would have wanted to meet earlier. He was playing you for as much as he could get. Phone sex was suppose to lead to real time sex. When it didn't, he was done. There never was a connection on his part | |
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| Got a question for the guys???
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:33:01 AM |
It's not really a matter of not liking the opinions, it's more a matter of wanting opinions to address the question. A lot of the opinions seem to be off on a tangent and sort of sidestep the question. I've noticed this in other threads too.
In this thread, most notably, a lot of posters give advice regarding the risque talk. That may be useful advice, but it doesn't really answer the original question....either that, or I didn't phrase the question very well.
TOTALLY agree that tangents and off topic posts occur. I am not seeing that in this thread.
See...YOU found the risque talk had some sort of bearing on the whole situation, or you would not have mentioned it, correct? There was something relevant about it...or why broach it in the OP?
And most of us saw some relevance to it, as well. | |
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