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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:35:20 AM | | Desertrhino... the only thing right about you is your name. You indeed look like a pathetic desert rhino. You were the first one who jumped on me pathetic a-hole. You have a better chance getting laid if you post your profile on the most wanted list. You are one scary mofo. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:41:13 AM | Umm back on topic.
In my experience, (most) parents don't respond too kindly to their partner or anyone else for that matter trying to discipline their children. I dated a man for 7 months last year who had an 11yo daughter who was whiny, bratty and generally a pain in the a*s. I eventually brought it up with him as I was concerned that there was something wrong, that perhaps she was a seriously unhappy girl. I got told that I was intolerant and his little "angel" (who by the way used to call him a loser and an idiot) was just expressing herself, and I either like it or lump it. Suffice to say, the relationship broke up.
As far as he was concerned his child could do no wrong, end of story. So if that's the kind of man you're dealing with, I say run not walk away from this situation, because you will end up with a constant migraine!! | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:08:34 PM | So OP,
Ahhhhh, you went by the dumb rule of date for awhile before you meet the kids huh??
Bit you in the ayss, didn't it!
I thought you would know at 45, that that's mainly for sex or a parent that can't or doesn't care about their kids. If you want the headaches then go for it. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:16:29 PM | I worry about this every time I introduce my kids to someone that I'm seeing. My kids figured out a couple of years ago that if they act like brats, that means there's a good chance that the guy will dump their mom, and they will have her all to themselves again.
Obviously, this was something we needed to work on, and it was part of the reason I took a year off of dating. Now I'm discussing with the kids that mom has a right to time for herself, and if that includes the company of another adult (who may happen to be male), that's her right and they need to behave themselves.
As the SO, you're in a tough position. Your appearance on the scene can be mighty threatening to a kid, especially in those years between pre-school and puberty.
But realize that their brattiness may be a reaction to the introduction of an SO(you) to dad and the family, and they may not be as wild as they seem to be on first impression.
However, this is something you need to discuss with your SO, and it may be something that he needs to address specifically with the kids.
It's not an easy problem to fix, but you shouldn't avoid something just because it's not easy. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:31:31 PM | "But realize that their brattiness may be a reaction to the introduction of an SO(you) to dad and the family, and they may not be as wild as they seem to be on first impression.
"
Every child is like that upon their single parent dating a man or woman, completely natural. It's their way of testing mom's new partner to see if they are a good dad for them too.
I don't know about you all, but when I see a pretty and intelligent woman who has kids that test me in that area while being good brothers and sisters to my son, I see a need for love from me and I'm very happy to love them back with all I am! | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:14:10 PM |
Every child is like that upon their single parent dating a man or woman, completely natural.
Thank you for giving me hope that my children are not the complete monsters I'm afraid they've become!  | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:24:46 PM | I avoided having a s/o because of all the issues that might and probably would have with developed in regards to my boys. They did not want me to get remarried either...so as a family, we decided that I would stay single until my boys were older. I did have an opportunity to remarry a wonderful man, but I had made promises and stuck to it.
But now my boys are 19 and 16 respectively, and it is finally time to move on with my life....if only I could find the right fish. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:54:29 PM | op...that would be a definate deal breaker for me.
I'm a package deal... you can't have one without the others. If the entire package does'nt get along... the whole deal goes raw. If not right away... after time it will.
I don't wait for my friends to meet my kids.. because thats what they are.. friends. If my children can not view me having healthy friendships with other adults through dating, and getting to know someone, then I'm not doing my job as a mother. They learn by example. Every day of their lives. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:59:31 PM | | I hope that evry parent reads this. " YOUR CHILD IS THE BEST RESULT OF YOUR PARENTING SKILLS" If u are a lazy parent, your child will be a bratt!!!! I am one of 11 kids myself and none of us have the same 2 parents and we all turned out differently. Your job as a parent isn't to make this preson happy it to make them a productive part of the work force, so get it together people!! | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:02:00 AM | A couple of things come up in reading the additional posts.
The OP did what many people do, date and wait until they believe the relationship is serious before really introducing the kids. Obviously the scenario she describes is one of the reasons why many people differ in their approach.
My kids shocked the crap out of me when I got involved the first time after the split because I know they want me to have a man in my life because they want me to find the happiness I did not have with their dad, unfortunately like most kids, they don't want to share so in a perfect world for them, I would somehow manage to get involved without it taking any time and attention from them.
They meet people I am dating briefly early on and if I continue dating them they will spend some time around them. They know that I value their opinion but they also know that they will not dictate whether I have a life.
As far as the comments about the parenting, people seem to forget that children have two parents. In many cases, if one parent is doing a good job, the other is either not involved or engaging in behavior that countermands everything the other parent is trying to do. I think the OP's situation would be different if this situation was created by the other parent and the SO did the best he could when he had the children to make sure they act differently when they are with him; he is not.
These things can work but the parent needs to step up and be a parent and then the step-parent has a snowball's chance in hell of making a difference. In my situation, because his father was so hands-off, I was able to do a great deal that was positive but as he grew older and more unmanageable, he made life hell and his father wouldn't do anything about it. The only upside for me at the time was he didn't pull the step-parent b.s. on me. We butted heads the same way I am now butting heads with my own children on some issues.
Some of us are not with our exes largely because of the problems they created with the children and no matter how good a parent you are, the other one can cause problems that are nearly impossible to deal with. You can also be a good parent and as other people have noted, your children intentionally behave abominably to try to drive the person out of mom or dad's life. You find a balance between trying to understand where the kids are coming from, to elicit the behavior you want from them, and to find someone that is capable of understanding that kids will be kids. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:22:14 AM |
Suppose you are dating someone for months that you think is wonderful, then you meet the kids............. not so good. They are whiney, bratty, spoiled and too old to be behaving so immaturely (these are kids in school full time not babies). For example being loud in restaurants, fighting with each other constantly, using foul language.
Move on. Children like that will add un-needed stress to your relationship, and, he's the one responsible, at least partly, for that bad behavior. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:41:20 AM | | My current take on the relationship is to keep it simple, just us dating and not to involve the kids any more than nessesary. We are not getting married or have any plans on living together. I have no desire to drive a wedge between my friend and his children. But I definately speak up when their behavior becomes out of hand. If he cannot handle that, too bad. He is free to date others that are more tolerant I suppose. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:01:20 PM | OP, I would definitely voice my opinion about the situation. Maybe they are aware of it, maybe not. Though I would think that I would have some idea of how the kids were, before I would meet them.
You would think that there would be occasions where you talked to them on the phone and heard kids in the background.
if I saw apathy in the other person in regards to setting limits on their own kids, I would realize that this person is not right for me.
I would never think to look for a "mother" for my daughter. She has a great one already. But I do want to find a good role model for her, in a partner.
Yeah, as a single parent that's the big deal breaker.
Right now, your just ignoring it.
just us dating and not to involve the kids any more than nessesary. We are not getting married or have any plans on living together
But how long do you date and ignore this?
Unless you both understand that this is just a temporary dating situation. In which case, what kind of example are you setting for the kids???
It's a tough call, but I prefer to look at a long term scenario. If you really don't see a future with him, why continue it?
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:18:57 PM | I was in a blended family situation. I ended up leaving because of stepdaughters toxic behaviors. She even punched me on mothers day. I agree with the poster talking about how the father was never around. That was my situation. He was always working, and when he wasn't..he was sleeping. I was just someone to raise his kids for him.
When the kids are spoiled and disrespectful. It doesnt work out. I've read alot of blended family books. Most of them say taht the primary parent MUST be the primary Disciplinarian. If they aren't..your in for a world of hell!!
These books also stated that a non bio parent cannot be EXPECTED by the bio parent to love their kids immediately. that is an unrealistic expectation which will only cause resentment. I know i felt it! I only ever expected that my now ex be civil towards my bios. On the other hand, it was expected of me. "I cannot marry you unless i see you and larissa getting along". WTH??
Before i became involved. I sat down with my kids. And told them straight. Wayne wont ever replace your father. But he will be a father figure. You will respect him as an adult. If you disrespect him, you disrespect me. I wont put up with it. My girls were 5 and 4 at the time.
I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH THEM TOWARDS MY NOW EX. Because they knew who was in charge. ME!
I was beating my head against a wall.. When i was around. The kids behaved..because they knew i wouldn't put up with nothing. When i wasn't around. they acted like they did before i moved in. It was all in vain..I was tired of beating my head. So i left.
If you dont get along with the kids..or they dont get along with you..and your SO wont do anything to deal with their kids bad behaviors towards you..move along!! there are "plentyoffish" in the sea..lol.
Definately do the homework on blended families before getting involved.
Heres a tidbit of a stat..80% of second marraiges fail due to hardships with the kids. Thats a huge percentage.
Hugs! | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:22:05 PM | OH, i forgot to add..When i left..my now ex told my parents this..
"Ramonas the only one who ever raised kyle and larissa"..
..NICE..no appreciation while im there..but only just before i leave. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:00:28 AM | "The only perfect kids ... are your own" hahahaha In my experience most kids I have met have "issues".. same with most adults. I'm not crazy about my own kids... don't expect me to fall in love with yours... lol Parenting is one of the hardest, yet least rewarding jobs out there... BUT... parents cannot help but to love their kids... its as natural as saggy b**bs... so me thinking my kids are demon spawn and you thinking it are two totally different situations...   Those are fighting words... if you cannot accept a persons children... you shouldnt date people with kids. Just my opinion... | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/9/2008 11:58:13 AM | Personally, I don't think the SO can influence them if they are this misbehaved by grade school. You can try to et a good example but sadly, the kids will follow the examples set by the parents who raised them.
I dated a wonderful man two yrs ago who was everything I wanted and he had three kids. He talked about them like they were the most perfect kids on earth and I was looking forward to meeting them as his youngest, an 11 yr old daughter was the same age as mine.
Wrong! Two of the three were the kids from hell. The oldest son was 14 and a real mama's boy. Didn't listen to his dad, would argue with me over little things, and was a huge black cloud on our get togethers. The middle son was a highly functioning autistic kid who was pretty cool. We got along very well. The youngest, the 11 yr old daughter, wanted her daddy to pick her up all the time, spoke in 'babytalk' and was just simply bizarre. My daughter thought she was from another planet.
I helped the guy move to a smaller house and his kids were supposed to help. They didn't pack one thing. I spent an entire day helping him and all they did was sit in front of the last tv that wasn't yet on the moving van and played video games. When I asked him why they weren't helping, he told me he felt bad about making them work on their weekend with him. He promised me they would help us when it was time to unload the truck. They did help but once the boxes were brought in the house they didn't lift a finger to unpack their rooms. I spent 10 hours working on his kitchen and was shot down every time I asked the kids to throw out packing papers and fold down boxes. Finally I'd had enough, told him he and his kids could finish the move alone and ended up breaking up with him the following week.
Last I heard he is getting remarried next month to a woman who doesn't have any kids! | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:40:55 PM | I just adore the Dad and he gets so frustrated with their behavior. The Mom does not discipline them at all. My kids are not allowed to hit one another (not that it has never happened) but these two wrestle constantly and needless to say the 11 year old seriously outweighs the 6 year old.
My kids are 10 and 13 (boy and girl) they just roll their eyes when his kids act up. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:53:12 PM | Carolann
You may not beable to influence the chuildren but you can in fluence the parent. If he likes you as much as you do him, he will make his children behave, however if he dose not try at all with the children then move on. The last thing you should do is to try to influence the children because you will then hear things like, You are not my mother, get out of our lives, Stick it, leave. And dad will hear, we don't like her, we don't want her here, make her leave. This will only worsen. So dear ask you self then him is it worth it.
Just don't  over spilt mill. Rember there POF in here. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:25:18 PM | This is a good reason for enjoying the journey, as well as planning for the destination (the journey in this case being the time you have spent together prior to meeting the children) because they are a package deal. One can't entirely control one's children, of course, but it sounds like the father is lax in his responsibility to discipline his children.
You've invested months getting to know him, and I'm sure it's difficult to let go of that. But in all likelihood a great part of the children's behavior is his failure as a parent. In other words, he's spent years ignoring his responsibility at a minimum, and either ignoring or making excuses for their behavior.
So you can either ignore it yourself (not likely, from your post), try to change it (in which case I feel certain they will become worse, and their hostility will be directed at you, perhaps his hostility as well), or move on. There are lots of us single Dads who do take our role as father (not just provider, but teacher and disciplinarian, among many other things) seriously. Hence we have better-behaved, happier children. Not that Mr. Next should necessarily have children, but if he does, make sure he's a great Dad, in every way. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:43:15 PM | Carolann, I've noticed the angst in your recent messages too.
It's a tough, tough call - other people's children.
What does the dad do, when the 11-year-old is beating up the 6-year-old? When they swear loudly? etc. Does he just ignore them? Does he tell them to stop? Or does he laugh, like it's funny? (Seen that alright..unbelievable.)
I would probably do what you're already doing - keep the relationship to just the two of you. It can be your time-out from parenting, as well. I've never really involved my daughter in my dating - just gone out when she's at her dads. It's been a lot easier, but of course - I'm still single!
Good luck Carolann - it's not fair, is it? | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/11/2008 2:38:21 PM |
Can an SO really influence someone elses kids positively if they are allowed to get away with murder at home
Simply, yes. The man I was falling in love with last year had 3 children, ages 11, 15 and 17. My daughter and I adored them (first man she had ever been introduced to that I have dated)! Sadly, the relationship did not work out and my daughter and I do not speak, communicate or acknowledge his existence (and vice versa), but my daughter and I remain very close to all the kids. A day does not go by the daughter does not text me, or call me, and we all do lots of stuff together as a group, from Monster Trucks, lunches, movie nights, etc - I call them my "other kids" LOL They know they can come to me with anything, any issues they have, and I am there for them if they need me. I have drawn some clear lines in the sand, as I am not their parent, but truly believe they are in my life for a reason and I contribute to their life in a positive way, in ways unfortunately their parents do not. We have established boundaries (i.e. they cannot ask for money, they must always let one of their parents know they are with me, we do not ever discuss my relationship with their dad, anything serious I encourage them to speak to one of their parents, etc) It is a relationship that has evolved over time, and one I cherish. You can be a positive influence on someone else's children, but you need to have boundaries and guidelines as you are NOT their parent, and must figure out your own role in their lives. Living by example can have more of an impact then you think...by them watching you interact with your kids, do not think they will not be influenced by that over time. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/11/2008 3:57:51 PM | Wow. It just seems to me that all of a sudden, there's lots of posts here about the blended family scenario, and stumbling across them is so dang timely for me that it's freaky. I wanna thank you guys for posting so openly and sharing your experiences cause it's helped me in ways I can't explain.
I think I wanna reiterate some things yall have said that particularly resonate with me, tho I probably will not add too much to your thoughts. I'm not sure yet. I know the way I see things comes with an agenda and I try really hard to not post with an agenda, so...I dunno. I'll try to offer my thoughts in a neutral way.
First...oh, how I can relate to what so many of you have expressed regarding believing you could make a difference, and it's very sad for me to realize so many of you have experienced those kind of wild feelings...wanting so much to make things better, but in the end, failing miserably. Seems the harder you try, the worse it gets. Been there. You really can't affect people that don't wanna be affected, and as we know, most folks fear change.
Welder, you said some things that really hit hard:
but then I realized that it's like trying to change a man....you just can't do it.
Amen darlin, amen. So young, so wise. :) It's really heartbreaking that my patience ran out before it all blew up my brain, but you just hit a brick wall a time too many and finally, you keel over in defeat, not knowing which end is up anymore.
I left. I realized that if the dad didn't have a back bone to stand up to two kids and lay down the law, then he was not the man for me.
Ouch...just ouch! I can relate...it's maddening to see so clearly what needs to be done, what IS in the best interest of changing things around so that the kids might have half a chance at survival out there in the world, only to realize it's just never gonna happen. They're on their own.
How on earth does it become so easy for a parent to bury their head in the sand and just live in denial, even when witnessing time and again, the folly of their actions? I can truly understand being overwhelmed, but to fall down completely, and stay down? And worse, to shake their fist at someone wanting to help, yet also expecting them to help, but only on their terms...terms that clearly don't work?
You cant just have the father and not the kids.
Indeed. Interestingly, that's how most begin, building a relationship with the parent, knowing it needs to be solid before you can bring said relationship to the kids...yet the whole damn thing blows up anyway. Why? Cause the kids are in control; through manipulation and guilt, all up in arms that the way things "used to be" is under threat, and they will not stand for it. I reckon ya can't blame them for trying, but you can blame the parent for letting them get away with it.
Color me silly, but I though merging families was supposed to be about creating new ways...better ways, ways that serve BOTH families? It can never be the way it always was for every person involved, and blended families are about every single person that's involved. But ack...no one wants to change. They want life to go on as they knew it, even tho that life blew up, too. Hmm....
I think its the parent you have to influence, not the children.
So true! If you can't influence the parent or in some way work it out with them, it's highly unlikely you'll influence the kids, and the older they are, the less likely. You have to be on board with the bio parent because it absolutely HAS to come from them. If you try to venture there on your own, you will have your a$$ delivered right back to you lickity split. And a lil word of warning to the gentle and naive...if the kids make toast of you, so will their mother/father. You are indeed TOAST! You might as well pack up your broken heart with what lil sanity you have left.
I eventually brought it up with him as I was concerned that there was something wrong, that perhaps she was a seriously unhappy girl. I got told that I was intolerant and his little "angel" (who by the way used to call him a loser and an idiot) was just expressing herself, and I either like it or lump it.
Oh, wow...again, this really resonates, wow!
There is NEVER anything wrong until THEY think there's something wrong, huh? (And it can be the same thing you found wrong, but you're still wrong...all that matters is how they see it, and how dare you think they did something wrong?!) Their babies are perfect, even when they are communicating to you that they hate you and are telling you to go eff yourself...they're still perfect lil specimens that are only "being a typical kid"....no problems here!
I dunno...doesn't seem too typical to me, unless you're considering that they've always behaved that way, so it's become the norm?
These things can work but the parent needs to step up and be a parent and then the step-parent has a snowball's chance in hell of making a difference.
Well said, but I'd like to also add ...to have even the tiniest of hope at co parenting, which is exactly what it's supposed to be about; co parenting!.
Why do people invite you in, then toss you in the corner and tell you if you don't like it, you can leave? Cause they fear change almost as much as death, and will just keep recycling the same old patterns. It's easier...and whenever something goes wrong, you'll be blamed cause you're the outsider. You're not blood, you don't have the same bonds...it's just so very easy to toss it all on you.
I've read alot of blended family books. Most of them say that the primary parent MUST be the primary Disciplinarian. If they aren't..your in for a world of hell!!
These books also stated that a non bio parent cannot be EXPECTED by the bio parent to love their kids immediately. that is an unrealistic expectation which will only cause resentment.
Yep, yep. You better feel exactly what they want and expect you to feel, in their time frame, and if you don't...you're a horrible person and they can't figure out why they love you so much!
I've been in a couple blended family scenarios, and it's just so weird to me that I had none of those expectations; I was only hoping my partner and my kids would have a cool relationship in which they showed him utmost respect no matter what, and they were all pleasant to each other in a "natural" way...no scenes from "The Walton's" here, lol. It never even occurred to me to expect everyone to love each other or that we'd become this story book family. I only expected healthy interactions that were respectful. And that's what played out. There's been zero trouble between them.
However, I had lots of grand expectations placed on me, and for the life of me, I can't understand why. Wasn't a chance in hell I could do any of it, for several reasons. First, the kids have to want it, too. If they don't...what do you do? Still haven't figured that out. The kids coulda cared less about me or their fathers relationship...they didn't care until things didn't go in the same old way, and then they cared plenty enough to take a stand. A big stand. Sadly, they decided to take it a wee bit too late.
Secondly, it's really hard to invest in someone that won't invest in you, and third, it's difficult to follow along to someone else dictating how you should feel, most especially in light of what I just said. You're supposed to feel warm fuzzies when you get none? When you're disrespected, lied to, etc.?
It's just a really tall order.
So, even when the kids aren't invested, you're supposed to be and you're often supposed to pull off things they (the bio parent) haven't been able to pull off themselves. Such as...even though they are irritated by something their kids did, you're not allowed to be. Oh my...don't do it! You will be cast into the pits of hell. You have to be a robot and smile pretty and be pleasant, even tho they've not done their chores, or they're smoking cigs and pot, and ignoring your kind and respectful requests to please do their chores cause you can't see the kitchen to cook in it...and you're not allowed to tell on them, either, cause that sends the message that you expect them to actually parent, lol, and they WILL resent it, and you'll be called names like "harsh" and "rigid", and probably "controlling" too. Cause, yanno, they're just being kids, and all. :)
Sorry, I've gone on and on, but it's such a wild experience that just consumes you and it's so hard to not go on and on. :(
I strongly caution you single folks that hook up with someone with in house kids to really, really think hard. We all wanna believe that love will move mountains and all that good stuff, and that positive will bring about positive, but life just aint that pretty and neat. Kids in pain strike out and they need love and discipline, boundaries and expectations...they need the tools that will help them cope! It is, IMO, a HUGE disservice to turn a blind eye to their behaviors and allow the same old life that didn't work before to just keep replaying, on and on.
They way they cope now is what they'll take into the rest of their lives and it will touch all the relationships they embark on.
I so wanted to make a difference, but I had no tools because I wasn't given any and wasn't allowed to even come close to doing my thing in the way I'm comfortable with and believe in. I'm a very loving and giving woman, I wanted to give and I wanted to help. But I could never bond or even form a relationship because I wasn't invited into it fully. It was just "OK" for me to be around, cooking and making a nice home, and talking Daddy into spending more money on them than he ever did, lol...as long as I kept my mouth shut and didn't expect anything to change, or for anyone at all to come aboard into a new and better life. I was expected to mirror him and I had no problems with that at all, I saw my role as one that was to reinforce and support his. But I was met with resistance over the simplest, most minor of things...it was never big stuff, lol, and he just wouldn't step up and do anything about it. He talked a lot of the right talk (even in therapy...they were already in and and I was invited in, later on) but he just couldn't walk it. When it became bigger things, I knew there was no hope cause he couldn't even handle the little things.
It's so odd...we were absolutely convinced we were on the same page, and we were...we were so alike it was freaky! But somehow, those kids turned the page.
Why won't people scoot over and make a lil room for the person they love? Why is it such a battlefield, when love is the foundation? How is that that loving foundation will crumble to bits, just cause the kids decide it should?
Be very careful. It can rip your life to shreds....which also rips those kids lives to shreds.
In the name of love?
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