|
|
|
|
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:56:51 PM | Be careful what you "buy" from this guy.
I just adore the Dad and he gets so frustrated with their behavior. The Mom does not discipline them at all. My kids are not allowed to hit one another (not that it has never happened) but these two wrestle constantly and needless to say the 11 year old seriously outweighs the 6 year old.
My ex accuses me of not disciplining our kids *constantly*. The good news is I don't much care what he believes. Funny thing is - the kids act horribly at his house, but fine at mine. My kids aren't perfect - but there is no hitting, no foul language and they are wonderful helpers with me. When the kids misbehave at dad's house - I'm thrown under the bus immediately. Strangely, ex is who has the temper, aggression and foul mouth - yet I get blamed for them pounding on each other at his house.
Here's what I say. Kids are with you, they need to listen to YOU. In other words, the kids acting up around your boyfriend is NOT moms fault. I taught all 3 of my boys that foul language is NEVER tolerated in my house. Guess what? They use it at dads but not mine.
I'd be inclined to say dad is frustrated and has no idea what to do. I'm also going to wager a bet that he did very little of the child rearing when he was married. My ex was the same - felt it was the woman's job only. His dad was the same I found out years later. Now his new wife has been handed the torch at his house.
I'd be real careful what I believed and frankly if you don't care for his kids and you aren't able to get past that, for me it would be a deal breaker no matter what side of the fence I was on. | |
|
| |
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/23/2008 9:13:11 PM | Carolann, If it's any consolation. . I put my dad's girlfriend through hell growing up. ( I wasn't a bad kid, and she was jealous of me being first wive's kid- she even admitted it when dad would pay ANY attention to me) but we've grown up and it was up to dad to stand up to her or for her as far as this li'l family we had going was concerned. I was the child. Not the adult. I Love my brother dearly above all things under God (same dad different moms). But her happiness with my father was not my responsibillity.
Needless to say after years of doing hellish things to her after she'd make me feel like an outsider in my own family's home, and coming closer with talks and realizing that I wasn't a threat to her perfect li'l relationship with my dad (I lived with mom aside from the weekends) we gotten closer through the years.
She does things that are still shifty and dysfunctional, but that's her. That's not me. And I'm an adult now and if my father wants to stay with her for whatever reason I could care less. As long as my brother (22 with severe CP) is well and stable, I'm happy that he's happy. And I thank God I'm grown and out of the house.
If you are not trying to disclude the offspring in things (and we havn't ruled out ADHD and other mental/emotional instabillities). Ask him why it is that his children are nuts and your kids are well behaved? (In your more diplomatic words ofcourse)
good luck | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/23/2008 9:34:05 PM | How about you offer your date to take parenting courses or training workshop? Just ike with everything else, training does matter.
This being said, I still believe an SO can positively influence the other SO's kids. It all depends on how it is done. Through communication and active listening? Yes, it is possible. It worked for me, when I was an SO to a girlfriend who had a kid. But if you try to use "discipline", you can stop before your start, it will be useless.
Let me know if you want some training / workshop references (although I cannot be sure they offer it in your region).
Should an SO get involved with her boyfriend's education? Not necessarily, unless the parent wants you to. However, you have to be respected. So if they don't respect you, then you need to get involved at least for that part of it.
I also fully agrees with fullspeedahead08. As she said, "discipline" can be quite tricky. Every study on discipline and kids show that discipline only end up shaping rebellious or submissive kids, not self-disciplined mature and autonomous respectful (and respected!) kids. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/25/2008 5:30:25 AM | Right now we are simply dating I am not their step Mother.
I would just like to know what is appropriate for me as a friend. I do not tolerate real fighting between my kids, disagreements of course they happen with siblings every day but this is extreme. I literally hate going out to dinner with the two of them, or visiting when they are there.
There seems to be a lot of anger issues with the oldest, he is extremely over weight and blames his Dad for everything. The youngest is 6 and was only very recently potty trained. They are very disrespectful towards one another. There literally seems to be no feelings of love between the two of them. The oldest, complains constantly that the youngest is loved more or more important than he is. But after almost two years I really have not seen any level of favoritism from the Dad, he loves both deeply.
My friend requests that his children call him daily and they rarely pick up the phone, this hurts him very badly. His Ex wife will not answer his calls and never gives his messages to the children. But at 12, I feel a child with his own cell phone should be able to make a call to his Dad for 5 minutes a day. Mine call their Dad like clockwork every night, I insist upon it. A father deserves his childrens respect and time.
The Mother had an affair during the marriage and moved the BF in literally the day Daddy left. So I believe the anger is very misplaced. I just hope that as they spend more time with my kids that they learn through example. My form of discipline has always been to talk out the problem and help the kids see both sides. Luckily the Ex and I have always been on the same page as far as good manners and expected behavior.
I just hate seeing such a hard working good man be so disrespected and hurt. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/25/2008 5:41:50 AM | He's allowing it to happen, Carolann.
You are certainly not asking too much from his children.
I know from experience that it is often not the "good" children changing the behavior of the "challenging" children, but the other way around.
I wouldn't expose your children to too much of this. It all screams of negative attention-seeking and your SO is pandering to it. I understand they are only young and they definitely do have some real anger issues. But he should stand up to them;,especially the oldest, and stop allowing them to play weird guilt trips on him. He didn't leave because he wanted to, but because he was forced to. It sounds like they've been traumatised by the divorce. He should be dealing with it, in all ways.
I do think, also, that if the children are misbehaving in front of your kids, you could gently say something - at least to show your children it's not the correct way to behave..JMO. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:40:50 AM | Carolann ... normally I would just say to either keep the relationship with the father totally seperate, but that can only go on for so long. Then I would normally say that if you have any bad feelings for his children, you should just end the relationship.
But, if he is a good man that you would like to continue in a relationship with ... and you are "up to it", maybe he needs a strong woman (like you sound to be) to "help" him with his kids. Maybe his kids NEED someone like you in their life?
It sounds like it may be quite a challenge to take on ... but the alternative is to simply walk away. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 9/25/2008 8:30:36 AM | We do keep our relationship seperate from the kids for the most part. I am a full time single parent (Ex lives out of state) so I prefer to have alone time when I can see him.
I do not believe in dating families.
But I have suggested to him a few books on raising boys, he was raised by an older single Mom as an only child, so his experience with kids is minimal. But he is very involved in their lives so that is a positive. Plus he is a very good person. | |
|
| |
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/6/2008 4:54:46 PM | I also date a guy who has a son (a teenager now, but only 8 when we started dating) who is the epitome of a spoiled, manipulative brat. As a little guy, he threw screaming, feet kicking temper tantrums. As he's gotten older, he reminds me for the world of Eddie Haskel on Leave It To Beaver.
I made a conscious decision that despite the fact I think the guy has a lot of wonderful qualities, the relationhip would never go any further than dating. He allows his child to make life too unhappy and dramatic. I suspected that the situation would only become exascerbated as the child got older, and unfortunately, I was right. All the conversation in the world hasn't changed the type of parent my friend is. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:38:28 PM | Hi Carolann,
This is really a challenging situation. Praying won't work. Neither will time. Action, however, will. It depends on the type of relationship you have with this person. We all have read enough on these forums to know that "communication" is key. So, if this situation is occurring, and you speak to the SO, as he is their parent, and he does not support "proper" behavior, ie: respectful, then it is he who is the problem, not the kids. And then it is time to move on. You both are the adults, they are the children.
I have rules for children/kids/teens, be it with friends, and their children, or anyone who enters my house, my car, restaurants with me, public places, etc. I have four kids. I have been raising kids alone for a long time, and I have spent a lot of time with a lot of kids, in cars and restaurants, and still do. (Half the parents would be shocked to see how their kids behave!) lol I make it really clear, I do not care what they do at home, or with their families, when they are in my presence, and more often than not, there is a parent present.
I had a friend, who I was quite fond of several years ago, and although we did not become romantically involved, we spent alot of time together, with all of our kids, since they were all friends, and we were both single. He originally was not open to hearing me, but on second attempt, he listened, and things changed dramatically with his children. His ex, really did let his kids get away with anything and everything, but they knew when they were with us, not a chance....ever. And it worked.
The benefit is this: the kids know where they stand, and what they can do....and it is funny how well they respond, because they know how far they can go. And...it is a relief when someone is open to it.
Good Luck. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/8/2008 12:07:44 PM | please be gentle, this is my first time sharing input
Yes a SO as well as other authority figures can influence someone elses children in a positive light, just as they can in a negative light. I am the sole parent of three boys and have dealt with issues regarding behaviour in many aspects of my life. Sometimes your childrens friends do not have appropriate behaviours when you meet them. It is up to you to set boundaries and share expectations with the people you are allowing into your life. Some of the children that began visiting my home were foul mouthed violent little turds. Once rhey learned that they would not be allowed to be in my home if continuing in this manner, some chose not to come back. Many chose to alter their behaviour and became awesome people we enjoyed spending time with.
I also fostered teens with behaviourial issues. They too learned what I would and would not put up with. Even the child that I wound up pressing charges for theft against( it being a discussed consequence of stealing from me) continued to choose to spend family time with me and mine.
I used to be involved in a youth organization where there was a lot of upset when I came on the scene and began to share my idea's on appropriate behaviour. I received a lot of flak in the beginning, but over time the youth did see my point and come around. I even received thank you cards and letters of aplogy for their disrespect. I established open dialogue with these teens and discovered that they were mostly looking for someone who would give clear rules and expectations, consequences and follow through.
It is also good to establish what the children/youth's expectations regarding you and your role are in their lives will be.
As with all relationships, it often comes down to establishing clear definite boundaries, consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/9/2008 7:23:00 AM | Perfact example of not discussing parenting skills BEFORE deciding to become involved.
As a former school bus driver and parenting skills trainer supervisor, I can tell you that the children' behavior is aquired by learning.
Seems to me that Mr. wonderful's tendancy to slack up on his job is the biggest proublem here.
Look around, children are loud and they fight from time to time and yes ( during terible two's) they may even use foul language; but, if they are older children and still exibiting these learned behaviors, then someone is slacking in the rearing department.
Children arn't born like this , thay learn it and they can be taught better.
So although it seems like the children are out of controll, it is actually the parent (s) who are.
Mr Wonderful guy needs to get his controll of his children and enforce consequences for unwanted behavior.
Even if they get by with this type of behavior with mom, they don't have to when they are under dad's care. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:18:56 AM | Let's face it; if you're not crazy about the kids, their parent might be pretty fed up with them as well.
TOGETHER you sit down and talk with him about it. I'm sure he's fed up and TOGETHER you address the issue and fix it. You probably already know the children have uncanny ability to sniff out a weakness and dig at it until a hole through which they can escape appears. Last thing you want is your two kids picking up on the behavior and saying "they get away with it" ....
When you're involved with the man who brought his children to you, then he also made a choice to involve you (and your children) in the situation. Get involved!
IMO you're doing great job with the ones you have, so get his under your rules when they're around you.
(And may God keep us all healthy and safe from going bonkers when teen years hit - amen)
 | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/26/2008 7:31:20 AM | | It depends, if you have the support of the father, yes, I think so. The kids sounds like they need to know they are loved first, but also need to learn that this kind behavior is not acceptable. How much of yourself you want to invest in the relationship would be the question. If you love the father, & he supports you to try to correct his children, and you feel the relationship is worth it, go for it. It seems that no relationship is ever perfect. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/26/2008 10:32:02 AM | I've read the various posts here and have to agree with most. I was especially concerned with the poster who remarked that the SO wanted one of her children to take the blame for something his child did to avoid trouble.
I know situations are all different but IMO, if a dad cannot discipline his children then he is not the type of person I want to be around anyway. My ex always left it up to me to discipline our children and his new g/f has three adult sons who obviously had very little discipline and rules in their lives growing up because they are a hodge-podge of convicts and drug dealers. Those two are a perfect match because their parenting skills are exactly the same. The gentleman in my life is a very good father, his kids are wonderful and very respectful and well behaved when around me. I've witnessed his parenting skills and know that this is not just their mother's upbringing.
My point to all of this is that I wouldn't date someone who couldn't even handle their own children. Kind of shows you how they handle other aspects of their life as well. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/27/2008 10:16:36 PM |
Can an SO really influence someone elses kids positively if they are allowed to get away with murder at home?
I would think so if there was consistency in parenting well and support from the other parents involved. Role modeling behavior goes a long way too. | |
|
| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 10/28/2008 1:36:31 AM | I think it depends on why the child is acting up and what the parents are doing about it. If the parent is sittng back, never disciplining the child, letting them get away with murder there is not much you can do. If the parent is doing everything they possibly can but the child is acting up do to a special need then I think that together you can make progress with the child. I am speaking only from my own experience on that one. I have rules in my home, I discipline my children when they break those rules. However, 2 of my 4 children have special needs that cause problems, particularily my son. Part of his struggle is with transitions, they create a meltdown situation. He eventually adapts an those meltdowns stop, but often he acts out badly when meeting someone new(I am talking about meeting anyone new not necessarily a date), because he can't process the change well. His meltdowns typically are like big temper tantrums but occasionally get violent. Over all they are great kids, but I have had to create rules most families don't because of him, and I deal with meltdowns more than I would like sometimes. It is not because I do not discipline him, because I do, he also sees a psychiatrist and takes medications, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to face issues with him. That said I do not get involved with a man unless he fully understands what I am dealing with, I don't want to spring that on him kwim. That means in 7.5 years of separation I have only had 2 relationships and I am okay with that.
To get back to my answer to the OP I think that unless he is already disciplining the children and encourages you to do so as well then it is pretty much a lost cause. If he is doing the best he can and simply needs someone to stand by him with a united front so to speak the children's behaviour can be turned around. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
