| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/3/2008 6:52:12 AM |
Her feelings are a result of his behaviors and lack of involvement in her life, so why would she feel any differently about him?
The point was not so much her having ackward feelings toward her dad. But moreso whether or not the sole custody parent places the twelve year old in a situation of undue influence that possibly serves another purpose. There to me was no reason for the parent to place the other parents petition or request for a reduction for child support within arms length of a young adult that would have no use for it.
It baffles me why parents tell their children that the "absent" biological parent "loves and cares for them", when their actions and behaviors towards the kids show quite the opposite
Consider that this parent does take time to interact with the child. It is interesting that the OP talks about the other parents girlfriend. And at the say time implying that she no longer has control of when he visits. I don't disagree that having an agreed upon time to visit the child is important but I do think the information provided may have more to do with how the OP feels about the other parent and less about an objective view of the other parent by the child. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:08:39 AM | There is a difference between Mom and Dad's households. My daughter sees it and constantly tells me she wants more Dad time.
I listen to her problem and try to understand what it is like being her. I'll validate her feelings and give her a hug. The last thing I do is give her some advice (Guys try to fix things). I'll try to give some nuggets of information so she can patch things up with Mom. Mom rarely listens but we're still trying! | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/3/2008 5:27:41 PM | Annonimiss,
I would have to agree with you. I am 25yr old and I didn't realize until I was about 14 how much of a piece of shit my father was. My mother always bad talked my father and despite what other people would automaticallt think I loved him more. It wasn't until I was getting into high school that I really started seeing how much he was never in my life. I saw how much support he wasn't showing and how much he had moved on to his new family and dropped me to the side. When I needed something major he would always say he did not have the money for it but when I would decide to visit his wife's house a month or two down the line they purchased some new gadget or furniture or something else for themselves for each other or their child. And when I looked back it had always been like that. I never asked my father for anything unless it was something that was a necessity and everytime he let me down. Then when it was time for college all of a sudden it was so important for him to be in my life. And sorry for him he was not something that was important in my life at that point. We did eventually get back to talking but only on my terms and when I had time because he had his chance for 14 or 15 years and never took it.
I got pregnant last year and he stop talking to me completely. For some reason he thought that was suppose to affect me in some big way but surprisingly it never did. I had the most important thing in my life right now and he wanted me to feel sorry and bow down because I took responsibility of my child instead of getting rid of him (though I am not saying that anyone is not taking responsibility because they choose to do this). He finally had my step mother call me and talk to me when I was about 4 months. He never spoke about me being pregnant or the baby.
Shift forward my child is 3 months and he comes to my house like everything is super dooper and says that he can't even say he ever saw his little girl pregnant or remembers seeing me pregnant. (And whose fault was that). My child is now about to turn 10 months and my father has not called or stopped by to see him. It is his choice and I really don't care. Because that is his decision not to be in his first grandchild/grandsons life.
I am no longer with the father of my child but I never speak badly about him and do not allow my mother or any family member to do that either. My child will find out on his own about what kind of person his father is because all children eventually do. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/3/2008 5:59:24 PM | | Dear I totally identify with your situation.My children and I went through a lot of violence and neglect. My children at best said to me they love me and respect me but please dont make us see that bleep bleep bleep. We hate him and have in no uncertain terms let him know it at times when and if he shows up. I beg them into visiting with my presence but they never ask or be concerned because he shows no interest when away and complains if he has to give by court order any funds. No calls or cards or emails unless we iniate. Till recently.Now if he shows up he has gf and brags.I tried therapy singularfor each child and me then as a family but their mind never changes and I do not blame them but I do encourage them to try to develope a healthy relationship with him and know him although they know the past.And in the presence I ask they try to get along and be kind but if not remove self from the situation. I allow them to have the freedom to express their opions and feeling and make choices freely. Children are are capable of deciding for self if they want parent or anyone for that matter in their lives. They do understand what happened in their terms. I would ask her what she thought about visits and issues and respect her thoughts .Do your best to help her through her issues and love her.Therapy and a great mentor will help. Parents like children cannot be replaced.It just may be her age too. Adolescentance starts setting in and rebelling may be a part of it. It is a very emotional time and a time when she really kicks in her own personality and attitudes. If he is that distant it might be a huge blessing in disguise.You can contact me on yahoo if u like.Good luck and God Bless. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/5/2008 4:01:18 AM |
Please be clear - without him - she would not exist - in a 12 yr old's brain what you are saying translates to "He was a mistake and that makes me a mistake"
You don't give children enough credit. They're smart enough to know what you're saying is what you meant. If you think they DON'T get it then it's your job as a parent to reassure them that they weren't a mistake.
My children were not mistakes, and neither was he.
He wasn't?!? So, why aren't you guys still together??
I take responsibility for my mistakes, but they aren't on the list. Staying with him would have been a mistake though.... :)
If you did take responsibility then you would realize that picking him in the first place led to you having to make the decision to leave.
I'll have to just agree to disagree on all this. We're not together because he decided he would rather smoke an ounce of pot a week and fog up his brain as a fulltime job rather than be a husband and a Dad. Plus, he cheated more than once. We never know what someone will do when we pick them, we are not psychic. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:00:31 AM |
I'll have to just agree to disagree on all this. We're not together because he decided he would rather smoke an ounce of pot a week and fog up his brain as a fulltime job rather than be a husband and a Dad. Plus, he cheated more than once. We never know what someone will do when we pick them, we are not psychic.
So, he NEVER did ANY drugs while you were dating? In the 2+ years that you dated, you NEVER saw an addictive personality? He picked up this slacker attitude overnight while you were married?? | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/6/2008 4:08:50 AM | Once again thank you for all your replies, they have given me something to think on, I spoke to my cousin the other night who is an social worker, she works with children who are leaving the system and have a lot of emotional issues. She suggested the thearpy, not in the tradiational sense of one to one as she feels very strongly, that puts pressure on children and they just close off. What she suggested and she felt would be the best approach was through art, which is what another poster suggested. I've made an appoinment to see my GP to see if I can the ball rolling.
Another poster suggested I put myself in her place, My father walked when I was 14 so I understand the anger the sense of betrayal disapointment rejection, that she is feeling, and I know what road that led me down which is not a place I want my daughter to go.
As for leaving the letter from the CSA on the side, it wasn't done delibratly, I do it with all my mail, read it and then throw it on the side, I didn't expect my daughter to read it. I've learned since then not to leave anything like that lieing around.
As to my feelings towards my ex, I don't feel anything for him, it's been over a long time. I don't regret marrying him, If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have my children. That's what I tell the kids. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/6/2008 5:35:14 PM | She is angry with him and hurt. I think it would be worthwhile to find a good child psychologist to whom she would be more willing to open up than to her family and just to spew things off her little chest. It just leaves that much more upto you in the department of taking care of your daughters needs as he is unwilling to do so. But please bite your tongue and no matter how angry you are with him, do not talk badly about him in front of her and dont leave letters like that lying around - she does not need to know about crap like that. Yes kids need to know the truth, but they need to be given it gently and with empathy. Also make sure you get all the things regularly off your chest with your friends and family.
Edit - I have not read all the other replies originally and replied to OP only - sure go with your gut feeling as far as the choice of the type of therapy goes. Good luck with it all.
and as for the question in the previous post ^^^ I think it comes naturally - it's one of those holier than thou who think that if your marriage has not lasted you must be an idiot. i just had a look at his profile and it says he has no children, so i guess he is on this thread to harass people. Similar case is user lovesex73 (post on page2) who also has no children and likes to pop in to moralise without having a clue - he did this recently in a thread on smoking. Here he implies he decided to assume that OP is stopping the father seeing ther daughter without bothering to read her posts properly as she actually lets him around even with his girlfriend and unannounced. Either that or he is highjacking her thread. Annoying either way. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/9/2008 6:46:42 AM |
Trulysingle.... Are you trying to be obnoxious or does it come naturally?
It's funny, I get continually called names yet no one can come up with one rebuttal of anything I've said. I can refute everything. So, you call me names... how does that change the truthfulness of anything I've said?? | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:25:46 PM | | Trulysingle - I am not sure why you bother being on this thread. All you do is tell people they are stupid - if you cannot find compassion and useful advice and dont have the experience to back it up with - i reckon you get kicks from being condescending (about things you know zero about), and holier than thou - each to their own - have fun. Once you have walked as much as 10 metres in OP's shoes, come and tell us about it, okay? Till then - sorry you just dont have a clue. Btw i was not calling you names. I agreed with the other user that you are being obnoxious - thats an adjective. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/10/2008 5:59:46 AM |
if you cannot find compassion and useful advice and dont have the experience to back it up with
I have tons of compassion. It's reserved for the persons that deserve it-- the children.
My advice is very useful. You're just in denial and won't take it. It's easier to point and call names rather than face the facts.
And as far as experience-- I have tons of experience with this subject. Much more than you will EVER have. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:39:14 AM | Dealing with pre-teens is awkward at best .Their hormones are starting to kick in as well. They Start seeing what dad/mom are doing to each other and how the new person is treating them as well. Kids go through a grieving period just like adults do after a break-up. Your child will make her own conclusion and it may change several times over the next few years. Please don't in anyway add to her hate for her father. Fighting with your ex in front of her is not a good thing either. She didn't need to know that he was trying to change anything as far as money goes. That just added to her hate for him. Keep all the paper work and later in life you can let her see why you had to cut back on things she needed or wanted. Don't strike out at dad. That will back fire in your face at some point.
I have adopted a boy that was 7 years old at the time. Now he turned 15 years old. We NEVER ~~talk bad about either of his parents in front of him. He will/is making his own decisions about mom and dad. He is grieving for the loss of not one ! But has two parents he grieves for. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/11/2008 8:00:45 PM | to the OP: Sounds like your daughter has reached the age where she is making decisions about people based on her experiences and no longer on what she is told to believe.
It s#cks for her, and for you, but her being able to call a spade a spade is the early sign of a future strong, capable woman. Let her know that she has a mom that cares for her deeply and wishes only the best for her.
Good Luck | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/11/2008 9:38:07 PM | I sat my son down and told him that everyone in the world can be trusted to the level that they can be trusted. Jason your mother has shown more love toward you than she has ever shown toward herself. She is the only mother you have and if your relationship with her requires your efforts then you will make the effort because that’s the kind of man that I am raising you to be. You have been blessed with one parent to care for you and one to teach you harder lessons.
He was sixteen at the time. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/11/2008 10:21:07 PM | It's not about which parent is right or wrong at this point, it's about helping your daughter deal with her negative feelings. She will see and react the way she feels she needs to towards her father in time.
My daughter is 14 and going through much of the same things.
What has helped her over the last few months is religion. It may not be for everyone, but for her it was done so much. My sister and mom are very religious and she spends a couple days a week with them studying and going to church. She has learned to open up her feelings more and talk when things upset her. It has had such a calming affect, and it sure beats the alternative at her age of falling in with the wrong crowd of kids. This is a very tender age for children. Angry, negative feelings can cause them to do things they normally wouldn't do.
As moms (or dads) we wish it could be us to help them through it, but some times in cases such as this, it's something that mom alone just can't fix.
Again, religion isn't for everyone, but giving your daughter some type of outlet where she can talk to someone she feels safe with will help her answer questions she has and get the negative feelings out. Schools have family councilors that are trained in talking to children of divorced parents and making them feel secure, that could be an option. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/12/2008 5:52:05 AM |
Angry, negative feelings can cause them to do things they normally wouldn't do.
It's not the "feelings" that cause kids to do inappropriate things, it's the actions, usually of their parents, that CAUSE them to lash out. The feelings are just that-- feelings. They aren't the cause. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/12/2008 2:39:34 PM |
I have tons of compassion. It's reserved for the persons that deserve it-- the children.
My advice is very useful. You're just in denial and won't take it. It's easier to point and call names rather than face the facts.
And as far as experience-- I have tons of experience with this subject. Much more than you will EVER have
Everybody deserves compassion. She did not know her husband will run away with another woman when she married him. Why should she tell her daughter she is and idiot? How is that a good advice?
What exactly am i in denial about please?
My claim about your lack of experience is based on the fact that your profile says you dont have children. Until you do, you just have not been there, you dont know. Are you qualified in other ways? Your harsh judgements do not suggest so. In fact you sound pretty angry about something and in need of some therapy.
As for saying that you have much more expreience with child psychology than me - thats absurd as you dont know anything about me. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:45:23 AM | well first of all , continue to talk positive about him , even if you dont want to ...
his child support matter is realy not on her busness, so be carefull what you say .
get her set up with a counselor ,,
but to be honest ...
she is at that age now , where she understands what is going on , and she will form her own opinion . I go thru the same with my boys... they about the same age ...
you just have to continue to be positive about all this . he will pay for it later one in life , and it looks like he is already starting to pay ...
but as to your daughter , profesional counseling may be in the best interest ....
good luck to you , I hope it gets better | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 7:00:01 AM |
Everybody deserves compassion.
EVERYBODY??? Child molesters... murderers... negligent parents??
She did not know her husband will run away with another woman when she married him. Why should she tell her daughter she is and idiot? How is that a good advice?
Because she is and it's the truth. When you own your part then you model for the daughter how NOT to do things when she gets older-- "Learn from my, and others', mistakes!" It also models to her that adults look inside themselves on a regular basis and ADMIT their mistakes, not point fingers(which is the overwhelming culture in today's society).
It also gives her another outlet for her frustration.
My claim about your lack of experience is based on the fact that your profile says you dont have children. Until you do, you just have not been there, you dont know.
You've NEVER given sound advice on a subject even though you didn't ACTUALLY LIVE that situation?? A person can't learn through observation and case studies? How many things have you learned by watching others do it the right/ wrong way??
Are you qualified in other ways?
Yes. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:17:56 AM | Because she is and it's the truth. When you own your part then you model for the daughter how NOT to do things when she gets older-- "Learn from my, and others', mistakes!" It also models to her that adults look inside themselves on a regular basis and ADMIT their mistakes, not point fingers(which is the overwhelming culture in today's society).
It also gives her another outlet for her frustration.
Im sorry I can not agree with all that . yes you will try to teach your children not to do the mistake, that you done , but ...
they will have to make some of the life lessons on their own , no matter how hard we try, they have to fall on their nose , to learn
#2. trying to tell the child that her father was a mistake , makes her a mistake as well .
I dont know if I try to put myself in that child shoe, I would not wonna hear I was a mistake ...
what ever happened between mum and dad , should be between the adults untill the time is right , and pre puperty is NOT the right time .besides, she will here your side of the story and get even mader at the father . It takes 2 to make it 2 to break it .
what ever the reason the parents broke up, its adults busness not the child , she has a right to both parents ...
if how ever the other parents desided not to have contact , there is very little you can do , but bad mouthing sure aint gonna help ....also if there is doupt that the child is well cared for or, is not safe that is a total different story ...
divorce , no matter how , is bad on any child and it will take its toll .....
all you can do is be supportive , be there for the kids , make sure that you are the parent in their lifes that will always be there , give them your love and hope and pray they will make it thru .....
pray all this will make them stronger and great parents them selfs , you can only guide them .. what goes on deep down in side is a different story .... | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:18:53 AM | The bottom line is the happiness of the child not the parents.
Here in Canada the care of the child comes before the concerns of the parents...At 12 the poor girl has not been shown consistent care from her father and now everyone is expecting her to relate to him in a loving repectful manner.
The problems here is with the parents and should be sorted out first before bringing the daughter in to cope with their problems. Your daughter is dealing the best she can with the situation that she has been dumped into, children should never have to pay the price of the parents divorce, living situations or financial issues.. Listen to her and understand her feelings, she is a person too worthy of being heard. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:38:56 AM |
Im sorry I can not agree with all that . yes you will try to teach your children not to do the mistake, that you done , but ...
they will have to make some of the life lessons on their own , no matter how hard we try, they have to fall on their nose , to learn
So, why parent AT ALL??
#2. trying to tell the child that her father was a mistake , makes her a mistake as well .
I dont know if I try to put myself in that child shoe, I would not wonna hear I was a mistake ...
HUH?? How do you draw THAT conclusion?? One has NOTHING to do with the other! Being a selfish jerk is a LEARNED experience. It's not genetic.
all you can do is be supportive , be there for the kids , make sure that you are the parent in their lifes that will always be there , give them your love and hope and pray they will make it thru .....
If you TRULY believe that then you need to take parenting classes. Modeling, a wholesome parenting culture, and unselfish/ common sense instruction will go a LOT further than "praying" | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 2:57:55 PM | trulysingle .
sorry to tell you I am a mother for 3 awsom kids that have been thru more in their life then any I know ....
how each of us handles their kids should not matter to you , how about having some first befor you start in on me ...
my kids are very productive , good , careing human beings , they have feelings and they have a brain tyvfm .
no matter if I agreed , with what their dad did or not , they always had full access to him and vise versa .... but I was the anker in their lifes , and they knew no matter what I was there ,
there are some darn good dads out there as well ,single parents that do an awsom job with their kids ...
we all want what is best for the kids.... so no matter how we hate the partner we have no right to keep them from them ...
kids should come first at all times, and each child will handle a seperation differently and has different needs to get thru all this .....
sometime you need to get a 3rd party involved , as in a counselor " sometimes programs . like church or youth groups can help . each child is different ....
so dont you come snowing in here with your , I know all the answers to all the shit that goes on , and on the bottom line you have no freaking clue what is going on ... and even if you are a counselor, then you should know better then to make a statment like that ... and dont you dare single me out like that . this forum is to post you opinions ....
so I stated mine tyvm... you state yours but dont you dare attack me like that ... opinions are like buttholes ,, and the rest Im sure you know . if not well though poop ...
be a parent first and try to put them shoes on befor you judge anybody , or pretend to know about kids, because I sure as hell dont know the answers to everything, but I do the best I can , like so many other parents out there ...
but kids no matter who's, should never be put in the middle , I know it is darn hard not to , and trying to say positive things about somebody . but at one point and time there was positive about that person ,,,
the child no matter what will find out the truth soon enough unfortunaly , so no need to add fuel to the fire ...
and by the way I go thru the same thing my boys are refused to see their dad . because he took no time for them and left them behind for some woman ...
they got counseling behind them , help from teachers , friends and most of all , help to just talk about their feelings , and what they expect me to do ....
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 9/15/2008 3:06:24 PM | Trulysingle, if people dont learn from their experiences and mistakes, what do they learn from? Do you make no mistakes? Nothing is black and white. The other poster DOES make sense as without that particular father, there would not be THAT particular child. The world is a little bit more complicated and full of shades of grey than you are trying to suggest.
Otherwise as to how to handle the situation - its important that the parent has it together. The child needs to know that - that their universe has some at least semi solid point. So going on about my mistake this and that - I dont see a point in it and I cannot agree with it for reasons I state above. Positivity is a better programming. The child is intelligent mature enough at the age of 12 to view it their own way. The best you can do for them is to handle your life well. **** some sort of endless selfbashing. And I still dont know how does it make you an idiot if your partner decides to leave you say after a decade. | |
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