| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:59:57 AM |
So sherilyn, how many men have you discounted or not gone any further with based on their explanation of past relationship breakups after 1 or 2 emails (per the OP's original question)? How many guys after 1 or 2 emails, broke down and started crying, called their exes names, etc. answering your questions about their past? After 1 or 2 emails. Just curious.
Well first of all, this is not a question you ask in email or IM. This is a question you ask on the phone or in person. I am quick to meet though, so phone and in person is usually by the 3rd or 4th substantial conversation. Out of all of those when I have asked, I'd say only 2-3% have given stories that made me go "ewwww" and cringe. One did give me a story where I questioned his lack of tact and saw him as a big part of the problem but I did see him again. The guy I'm dating right now is in the middle of a divorce and he was surprised that I didn't head for the hills when he told me where he stood currently. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:06:06 AM |
As far as co-workers and friends, I see it as simply an innocent question asked so they will be able to give you some tidbit of wisdom to make you feel better. Its the same as seeing a co-worker or friend walk in with a broken arm: You are going to ask "what happened?". It's just curiosity.
As far as women on dating sites, I think knowing how a person's previous relationship ended could clue you in to how things might go with you and that person. Example: If a woman tells me that her last boyfriend beat her, or cheated on her, then it's possible that she might have trust issues that you are going to have to deal with. She might say "all he wanted was sex - he needed it at least once a month", then you've got another problem there. If she responds "my boyfriend had a problem with me drinking every night", there's another clue. The problem with asking, though, is that no breakups are actually good, so you already know that something caused them to be single. It's just a personal choice whether or not you want to know the details. My preference: I want to know.
^^^ Great answer. I feel the exact same way indehills does. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:06:15 AM | My fav answer to nosy type questions is "why would you like to know".
It usually puts the ball right back into thier hands, and they usually are not prepared to answer that question. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:40:46 AM |
If they start talking about their ex without being asked- thats a sign right there!
I gotta agree with this - if the person's less than tactful, not over their ex or can do no wrong, you usually don't even have to ask - they can't keep it to themselves long enough to get thru a coffee meet. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:57:48 AM | There was one time, years ago after I was divorced, when I did respond to a co-worker with, "Why do you ask?" It seemed to make her angry - she replied with, "Well God, I was just asking, if it's going to make you all uncomfortable, then never mind." It did put the ball back in her court, but my intention here is not to try to piss off the person asking, but rather to politely decline an answer.
Most of the time when I hear other people reply to this question, it's always "he was abusive," or "she was controlling," or some other answer which neatly places all of the blame on the other person, and also initiates an unhealthy conversation. I really don't want to do that. I tend to be a private person with people I don't know well. With my friends and family, I'm happy to talk all day long in detail. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:47:44 AM | | I'm like you, I wouldn't want to be rude back. I would say, "Thanks for asking, but it's a LONG story that I can't really go into." Or you could say, "Basically, we just had differences that couldn't be reconciled." | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:59:24 AM | OP,
I don't think the person who asks you what happened is trying to intentionally invade your privacy or be nosy; I think they are trying to show concern and sympathy. Women bond through discussion and communication--especially if details are provided; the problem is most of us don't realize men aren't the same way.
Next timesomeone asks you that and you don't want to answer, either say you'd rather not discuss it, or just give a vague answer: "we found we just weren't compatible," or "it just didn't work out." | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:24:35 AM | Most of the time when I hear other people reply to this question, it's always "he was abusive," or "she was controlling," or some other answer which neatly places all of the blame on the other person, and also initiates an unhealthy conversation. I really don't want to do that. I tend to be a private person with people I don't know well. With my friends and family, I'm happy to talk all day long in detail.
But that's kind of the point. If it's something that is going to place all the blame on one person and create an unhealthy conversation... is that someone you really want to date? I do not want to be the next person that "screwed them over" or hurt them and be the evil ex. I want someone that is able to have a healthy outlook on relationships and realize that usually both parties are to blame. I also like to hear what they did to try and make the relationship better instead of just giving up.
I don't think anyone expects you to go into a lengthy discussion or extreme detail. Maybe you need to learn how to give a short explanation. My ex and I broke up because after 7 years of living together we grew in different directions and just weren't compatible. He didn't do anything wrong, I wasn't miserable, I just realized that I wasn't where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. It's pretty simple and gives anyone that asks a general idea of why the relationship ended without going into any sordid or painful details. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:37:45 AM | Does anyone else get this question a lot from people that don't really know them, and if so, how do you handle it
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No I don't. Do people really want to know why you broke up with someone? If you tell them you just broke up with someone then yes, that is their way of a quick polite acknowledgement of your plight. But trust me, they really don't want to know. None of my friends or family (except my POF FandF) want to hear my sob story.... they say GET OVER IT. I know your freinds aren't psychic, so if YOU DON'T BRING IT UP they won't ask any more questions will they? Will they...?
As per new GF's or POF dates, they might want to know your track record or modus operandi. For example, do you frequently date "nutcase goldigging crack addicted beotches"? then that reflects on you, not who you date. Or if all your breakups are "because she cheated" or "she took my cellphone and called Nigeria all day", then again, potential dates want to know for their security etc. But that's all.
Well, upon further review, I see someone already wrote all that, so they must right! Its hard to read all the posts on a POF thread the way it's set up.
and here is a good point ((( I also like to hear what they did to try and make the relationship better instead of just giving up.)) | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:20:51 PM | I state I never kiss and tell just as I never talk about someone I dated. Simply state, she is a lovely lady and we will leave it at that. Does not matter if she was or not...........you come out gallant. Yeah, that's the ticket. Lie your way through life and relationships. And when the facts emerge and your forced to tell the truth ...you can lower your head and mumble.
Not at all. Let everyone judge for themselves. The woman my ex is with thinks he is teriffic--would not take him back on a bet. They work as a couple. Why should I foul up somone else's opportunity simply because I don't want to be with them or they with me? I just don't chose to dish the dirt on someone.
Besides it is just one person's opinion. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:30:40 PM | This only applies if you are a guy.
If it is a female that ask - answer should be ...
"I only talk about it when I am having sex" - "would you like to hear about it?"
If it is a guy that ask - answer should be ...
"I only talk about when I am having sex - with YOUR girlfriend" - "ask her" lol.
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Ok that was my attempt a humor today. I will now STFU lol. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:43:17 PM | Well not everyone is nosey, even most you might barely know, and most of the time it's very obvious as to who to respond to and who not to. There are people who do ask what happened just out of curiosity because they just want to get to know you, and others even mere collegues actually care.
When someone mentions to me that they had a break up and such, first I say usually "Sorry to hear that", and depending on how much I know them or sense that they are from good people, I will ask what happened incase they feel like chatting about it.
Sure tons of people like good gossip, but I have no problem talking to certain friends, aquantances, even people I just met that day, whether I have the time or just want ramble about it. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:36:23 PM | Not at all. Let everyone judge for themselves. The woman my ex is with thinks he is terrific--would not take him back on a bet. They work as a couple. Why should I foul up somone else's opportunity simply because I don't want to be with them or they with me? I just don't chose to dish the dirt on someone.
Well, I guess if the only way you can describe a reason for the relationship to end requires dishing dirt on someone then you probably shouldn't tell them about it. But then again... if you ever have to dish up dirt on anyone then I'd say you're not compatible with me. I have no desire to be around people that are negative or into drama. You absolutely do not have to bad mouth your ex to explain why you broke up. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:50:38 PM | Relationships involve two people not three or more. When my friends ask me too many questions about the one I am seeing I have to ask myself if I really want to be friends with them some times. No really. Not that such questions have ever ended long friendships but I certainly do not appreciate it one bit when the woman I was with relys on her best friend discusses my personal emotions and things. And that can lead to breakups.
Personal stuff shared with a prospective mate back and forth are what relationships are made of. This is how we become 'intimate' and close.
Information is a currancy often used to increase social status. I don't think I am the first man to catch his so called mate trading off his personal secrets with other women and I know damn well that some men do it too and that pisses of women.
What ever went wrong is between me and her. It stays there. It's the juice of romance and that should never ever be used as barter. Life and the hunt for that "perfect" mate/friend/lover goes on. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:59:04 PM | Tell them it's Chapter 10 in Miz Val's new book
Dating I'd Rather Stick Needles in My Eyes
Chapter 10
Are You The One ? ....I Think Not!!!
Book due 2009
Movie 2010
"smile it increases your face value" | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:38:39 PM | | IMO, "basically, we just had differences that couldn't be reconciled" is the winner. Classy, but vague as can be! | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:59:08 AM | I'd stick with the "do you have three hours" and then follow that up with "it's a road I don't care to travel down again". That's my response when co-workers ask why my 18 year marriage ended. I let them know it's in the past, it happened and I've moved on. That usually ends the conversation immediately. You don't want to be rude but you do have to let the "asker" know in a tactful way it's not up for discussion. If they persist, I like Kindredspririt07 response. Be tactful first, if they don't get it, then you can be creepy.  | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:17:43 AM | and the grand prize winner is:
basically, we just had differences that couldn't be reconciled" is the winner. Classy, but vague as can be!
in my opinion--great answer. | |
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I purr
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Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 71 | |
| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:24:14 AM | Certainly you may ask, but honestly I am past that and prefer to only look forward. How ARE you doing?
You know I don't think we have that much time and it really is a boring story.
Oh, this and that but today I would just rather stay in the positive frame of mine.
Oh, it is so sad and I am happy today.. we can talk another day.
Who said you had to talk just because someone wants to know. Some things are private or to painful to keep going back over. Keep the dark things for when you are prepared to discuss them... or just don't. | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:52:30 AM | "May I ask what happened?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"Um, okay... What happened?"
"We went to Ensenada."
"Ensenada?"
"Yeah. Ensenada your damn business." | |
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| May I ask what happened?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:55:28 AM | .....I'm a statistic, I don't know why but I am.
.....I didn't have the ability to know ahead of time that s/he was a sociopath. I feel like a fool so I would rather not talk about it.
.....I'm a compulsive liar, so why ask.
.....I can't tell you because it was my fault the relationship broke up.
.....I'd rather lie because I can't explain things so well.
.....I'd rather not say because my vocabulary is dominated by cynical thoughts
.....Even though a relationship is built on openness and honesty, I'm not, so why ask?
.....I would rather be vague because I not really an honest person.
.....It's none of your business, even though it is a reasonable question.
.....I'll answer after a few months of dating because I don't want you to bail out now.
.....I think it's better to lie, distort and be vague than tell the truth.
Yeah, that's the ticket. Lie your way through life and relationships. And when the facts emerge and your forced to tell the truth ...you can lower your head and mumble.
Truth hurts, eh. | |
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